Been here for 5 years and I don't know if I made the right choice.

[chestnutt 10]

Hi all,

 

This is a little wordy, guess I'm just looking to vent a little to people that will understand what I am going through, because no one else really understands as hard as they may try.

 

I've been living in the US for almost 5 years. I love my husband, he is a great person, we have a 10 month old daughter together who is just perfect. The past few months I have really started to question my choice in moving here.  Leaving my family and friends and whole entire life weighs heavily on my mind now more than it ever has.

 

His family is fantastic, his sister and mother and I are close, I have a job that I like (well, as much as you can like something you have to go and do everyday!).

 

A big issue for me is that I 100% do not like where we live. I came from a big city in Australia that I just loved. Here we are living in a small town, that is run down, very few people that live here take pride in their houses so most places look like dumps, the people are questionable, there is not much to do, the weather is absolutely awful from November to April which drags me down a lot.

 

Lately I have tried to talk to him about this, he is just so practical that it gets in the way. I drive 40 mins one way to work each day, I tried to ask him about possibly moving closer to my work which is much closer to a larger town with so much more to do. He doesn't even want to move out of this school district (his family is so close to here so I understand, but really I think it would be okay to live within 30 mins of them!).

 

I guess after having the baby it has started to just make me feel like I am completely trapped in a place I do not like, with basically no options. I also feel like I compromised my whole entire life to move here for him, and he has had to compromise absolutely nothing, and does not seem willing to compromise on anything in the future.

 

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I regret moving here.

 

Anyone else on here in the same boat?

[TheKingmaker 153]

Just read that Australia had the hottest summer on record. Wonder what that feels like.

[KULtoATL 1,551]

My situation is not exactly like yours but I felt especially discouraged during my job hunting phase. I applied for jobs that I am used to doing back in my home country and know that I am fully qualified for those job vacancies but no one would even give me a call for a screening. My Lyft driver asked me the other day if I would have moved here solely for the green card and citizenship, I said HELL NO. Back home I had a stable full time job with great benefits AND a nice apartment to live in. I had a support network i.e. my own closest friends. I moved here because my husband is American and this is one way for us to close the distance. Beyond that, it is a lot to ask for a person to drop everything and move to a new country and start over with many uncertainties hanging over his/her head. I may have come from a third world country but at least Malaysian companies generally hire people on a full time basis and provide benefits. I am kinda bothered by the fact that a lot of American employers only want to hire part time employees because they do not want to pay for any employee benefits. As a married woman in her early 30s, I just cannot live on 2-3 part time jobs with no benefits. If I was 18, that would have been different with the lack of commitments but not at this stage of my life. Thankfully, I finally secured a full time job with benefits and just started the job this past Wednesday, the day after my AOS interview. Still, the grass is not always greener as you and I both have personally experienced in this immigration process.

 

PS: I love Australia. Went there for a vacation every year while I was still living in Malaysia  

[TenderHearted 39]

13 minutes ago, chestnutt said:

I guess after having the baby it has started to just make me feel like I am completely trapped in a place I do not like, with basically no options. I also feel like I compromised my whole entire life to move here for him, and he has had to compromise absolutely nothing, and does not seem willing to compromise on anything in the future.

 

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I regret moving here.

 

Anyone else on here in the same boat?

You need to have a heart to heart with him on this. Don't let anything undermine your marriage, and resentment can be the start of really bad things if you don't get it in check. Tell him how you feel, in a kind respectful manner. That will go a very long way.

 

I can only imagine you are a little homesick, so keeping your mind occupied with things to do will help, and so I could see your reasoning about moving to a bigger town, where there are things to do. Be willing to bend a little, not that you haven't, I'm sure you have, since you immigrated here to be with him. Surely he will consider seriously what you have to say, especially since you have to drive such a long distance to your job. I would kindly make mention of that as well. This is a hard process to go through, and I can't imagine that he doesn't highly value you, enough to do things to help you be a little safer, like doing something to help cut down on that drive!

[Springleaf 37]

I know a few people where one half of the couple likes their country better than USA, but for whatever reasons, the couple are staying here. Two couples are doing fine but third is on verge of separation.

  Location definitely makes a difference. I spent first 8 years in US in NY and CALI and didnt feel homesick at all . But now being in georgia is just  disheartening . Since we have a limited stay here and then we plan to go back to california, so i am able to feel more positive. 

 

Communication goes a long way. If you are finding it difficult to communicate how you feel. You can look into couples counseling. It is not just for people at verge of divorce. It can enable you to be heard and validated. 

 

Are their any australian expat groups that you can join virtually or IRL ? That might help you feel a bit better perhaps.

 

I am sorry that you are having a tough time. Being a parent in itself is hard and on top of that being an immigrant definitely is not easy. Keep on trying to be heard.

 

Much love

[chestnutt 10]

11 minutes ago, Springleaf said:

I know a few people where one half of the couple likes their country better than USA, but for whatever reasons, the couple are staying here. Two couples are doing fine but third is on verge of separation.

  Location definitely makes a difference. I spent first 8 years in US in NY and CALI and didnt feel homesick at all . But now being in georgia is just  disheartening . Since we have a limited stay here and then we plan to go back to california, so i am able to feel more positive. 

 

Communication goes a long way. If you are finding it difficult to communicate how you feel. You can look into couples counseling. It is not just for people at verge of divorce. It can enable you to be heard and validated. 

 

Are their any australian expat groups that you can join virtually or IRL ? That might help you feel a bit better perhaps.

 

I am sorry that you are having a tough time. Being a parent in itself is hard and on top of that being an immigrant definitely is not easy. Keep on trying to be heard.

 

Much love

Thanks for your understanding xx I actually brought up couples counseling to him today but he just said I don't think we need it we never fight, so he might just have a limited understanding of what it could be used for. Good idea on the expat group I will look into that!

[chestnutt 10]

48 minutes ago, TenderHearted said:

You need to have a heart to heart with him on this. Don't let anything undermine your marriage, and resentment can be the start of really bad things if you don't get it in check. Tell him how you feel, in a kind respectful manner. That will go a very long way.

 

I can only imagine you are a little homesick, so keeping your mind occupied with things to do will help, and so I could see your reasoning about moving to a bigger town, where there are things to do. Be willing to bend a little, not that you haven't, I'm sure you have, since you immigrated here to be with him. Surely he will consider seriously what you have to say, especially since you have to drive such a long distance to your job. I would kindly make mention of that as well. This is a hard process to go through, and I can't imagine that he doesn't highly value you, enough to do things to help you be a little safer, like doing something to help cut down on that drive!

Yes I am very concious that my thinking this way and not saying anything could be very corrosive to our marriage, I guess I need to find better ways to communicate with him. Yes I would hope he valued me highly enough to at least give a little haha.

[Georgia16 2,858]

Have you tried to sit down with him and look him in the eyes and explain that you left everything to move to him so you could be together that maybe he should give a little and move 30 min away or whatever? It’s a two way street here! It can’t only be you! He will have to compromise also.

[JC&BS 75]

What about a vacation back home for a little while?

[carmel34 3,531]

I'm the USC in our marriage, currently waiting for my husband's CR-1 so we can be together here in the US, and I worry about this situation in the future for him---he's soon going to be leaving his family, friends, job, country he loves, culture, food, tropical climate, all behind to be with me here in California.  We have already talked about this many times, and he reassures me that he will be okay, but he's never left Brazil so I worry about what will happen when reality sets in after he's here for a year or more and the novelty of being in the US wears off.  Sure the love we have for each other is amazing and that's what really matters, being together, but you're so right, marriage is about giving and receiving, lots of compromising and finding middle ground so that both partners feel respected, valued, and loved.  One of the things we have talked about is after a few years of living here in the US, if he wants to go back, we could do that after he has his US citizenship.  Brazil is a beautiful country, I have visited seven times, and yes it has problems as any country does, but I could be very happy there, and the cost of living is much lower.  He is sacrificing so much to be here in the US for a few years, so I would be very open to sacrificing for him if that is what he wants, to move back to Brazil to live after he gets his US citizenship.  We have already looked at the process to get a spousal visa for Brazil, and it only takes 2 or 3 months, right here at the Brazilian consulate in San Francisco.  It is actually our "plan B" if for some reason the US visa is denied or delayed too long.

 

OP, do you have your US citizenship yet?  If not, apply and get it, and then in your long heart-to-heart talks with your husband, bring up the future, and float the idea of moving to Australia to live for a few years, after you get your US citizenship.  If he really loves you and wants you to be happy, he should be willing to compromise.  That is what makes a marriage strong--give and take.  Sacrifice on both sides.  And if he's not willing to compromise that much, enough to move to Australia for a few years, it may put things into perspective for him and he might at least be willing to move closer to your job, to a larger city in the US where you would be happier, and it isn't asking too much really.

 

I wish you well and hope that you can figure out a solution together.  You deserve to be happy, just as much as your husband does.

Edited March 4, 2019 by carmel34
*

[millefleur 5,035]

5 hours ago, chestnutt said:

A big issue for me is that I 100% do not like where we live. I came from a big city in Australia that I just loved. Here we are living in a small town, that is run down, very few people that live here take pride in their houses so most places look like dumps, the people are questionable, there is not much to do, the weather is absolutely awful from November to April which drags me down a lot. 

I can totally relate to this...I'm the USC and my husband is from a big, world class city (pop. 6+ million)...now we live in a city that has about pop. 2 million and my husband is extremely frustrated with not having the same options he had in a large city: lack of reliable public transit, the fact that driving was always a choice and not a obligation, lack of cultural events and places...not to mention leaving behind his wonderful family. I actually used to live abroad with him in his home city and we both loved it here but had to leave for opportunity reasons due to my husband's circumstances (Russia has issues right now, heh.) Thankfully, we are considering moving on from here to a bigger city once we finish up our own business in this town, but we're still stuck here for 1+ more year...then we're looking into more international big cities here in the US.

 

It sounds like the main reason your husband wants to stay is to be near his family. That is understandable but on the other hand, you are his family too and your happiness matters. Plus, you left your family and home country behind...that's a big sacrifice. I hope your husband can see if from your perspective and you can both work through it. Everyone else has given great advice so far...you're definitely not alone in feeling homesick or culture shock, it's extremely common with international couples...especially if it is a move from a big international city to a mid-sized or small American town. Hugs!

Edited March 4, 2019 by millefleur

[Izor 79]

I moved from Stockholm to a tiny town in Northern California, and i struggled a lot in the beginning. BUT i have embraced it and i am loving it more now, in fact i could never live in a city again haha. Biggest help was honestly the climate, Northern California has the beaches, mountains, cities and sun. Sure i drive 50 minutes one way to work but i like the drive, it is all country highways. It really sounds like you need to come to the west coast, it is not as expensive as people say, especially in the outskirts. Take him on a vacation to CA and drive around, maybe he will change his mind when he sees how much beauty is out there

[Chris Duffy 1,256]

8 hours ago, chestnutt said:

Hi all,

 

This is a little wordy, guess I'm just looking to vent a little to people that will understand what I am going through, because no one else really understands as hard as they may try.

 

I've been living in the US for almost 5 years. I love my husband, he is a great person, we have a 10 month old daughter together who is just perfect. The past few months I have really started to question my choice in moving here.  Leaving my family and friends and whole entire life weighs heavily on my mind now more than it ever has.

 

His family is fantastic, his sister and mother and I are close, I have a job that I like (well, as much as you can like something you have to go and do everyday!).

 

A big issue for me is that I 100% do not like where we live. I came from a big city in Australia that I just loved. Here we are living in a small town, that is run down, very few people that live here take pride in their houses so most places look like dumps, the people are questionable, there is not much to do, the weather is absolutely awful from November to April which drags me down a lot.

 

Lately I have tried to talk to him about this, he is just so practical that it gets in the way. I drive 40 mins one way to work each day, I tried to ask him about possibly moving closer to my work which is much closer to a larger town with so much more to do. He doesn't even want to move out of this school district (his family is so close to here so I understand, but really I think it would be okay to live within 30 mins of them!).

 

I guess after having the baby it has started to just make me feel like I am completely trapped in a place I do not like, with basically no options. I also feel like I compromised my whole entire life to move here for him, and he has had to compromise absolutely nothing, and does not seem willing to compromise on anything in the future.

 

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I regret moving here.

 

Anyone else on here in the same boat?

I would move back to your home country or move to a larger city in USA.

 

Life is too short to live with regrets

[Neonred 3,446]

4 hours ago, millefleur said:

I can totally relate to this...I'm the USC and my husband is from a big, world class city (pop. 6+ million)...now we live in a city that has about pop. 2 million and my husband is extremely frustrated with not having the same options he had in a large city: lack of reliable public transit, the fact that driving was always a choice and not a obligation, lack of cultural events and places...not to mention leaving behind his wonderful family. I actually used to live abroad with him in his home city and we both loved it here but had to leave for opportunity reasons due to my husband's circumstances (Russia has issues right now, heh.) Thankfully, we are considering moving on from here to a bigger city once we finish up our own business in this town, but we're still stuck here for 1+ more year...then we're looking into more international big cities here in the US.

 

If you are living in a US city of 2 million, you are in one of the 5 largest cities in the US!

[Sarah&Facundo 576]

I am the USC but I will weigh in also. My husband is miserable and hates the US. We went home for a month for Christmas to give him a break and since we have come back, it has just gotten worse. We had our AOS interview a few weeks ago and when the officer asked "Did you only marry your wife for a green card?" as a part of those list of questions they ask, he later told me it took everything in him not to see "HELL no!." He really is only here because of me. It's so hard watching your spouse make so many sacrifices and be so miserable. We came to an agreement. He is in college now and I said lets wait out until he finishes school. He should also wait until he gets citizenship so we can come back and forth as we please without worrying about refiling again. Maybe he could even work remotely as an American with a US passport while living in his country.

 

From the other side of things as the USC, it is so hard too. I feel vey guilty and very worried that he will someday resent me (although he promises me he does not at all and he made this choice). Perhaps your husband is avoiding confronting this because he does not want to face the guilt? Or maybe he does not truly understand the length at which this is bothering you and you need to be brutally honest? As someone mentioned in a post above, life is WAY too short to be so miserable. Five years is quite a while, so he really needs to hear you out on this. I wish you the best of luck!