Been here for 5 years and I don't know if I made the right choice.

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

I definitely do not think you are alone in feeling this way, by either folks who feel this way daily, or just on occasion.

 

I'm the USC, so I cannot entirely relate to you. But I can relate, as far as knowing my husband probably feels the same, with some things. I feel so guilty sometimes at the thought of the life he gave up in Sweden to come here. And sometimes I see it on his face, even if he is a good sport and one of the most positive, adaptive people I know. He misses his family, obviously. His 3-year-old nephew the most. He misses being in a big city (Gothenburg, Sweden) and the easy access to public transportation. He actually didn't update his driver's license once we knew he'd be moving here, since it's so expensive to and not worth it, and lived quite easily without one for nearly a year before leaving. That's not a reality where we live now. He doesn't have his driver's license yet, and we have just the one car for now anyway, and that's probably been the biggest adjustment. We have things like Uber and Lyft, but it's still not the same as hopping a tram to get around or just being able to walk somewhere.

 

There's so many smaller things he's adjusting to, that I never thought about twice about, before now. I realize how much I take for granted, being the one who didn't have to relocate. And if I knew my husband felt this way, this much, or had said these things online or to another person, I'd be heartbroken. I'd be more than willing to compromise and find a happy median. I wouldn't just be willing - I'd be adamant to. As much as he sacrificed for us, the least I could do is listen and compromise.

 

Communication is the greatest factor in these situations. Not saying you have not already, but I definitely encourage widening that line of communication with your husband, on this topic particularly. I think someone else said the same, or similar - it's important for him to understand that you may have moved here 5 years ago, and perhaps he feels you should consider this home now... but maybe it's just now hitting you. Maybe it has been hitting you, slowly over time, and you have just finally hit a wall. I can understand having a child intensifying those feelings. We haven't had kids yet, and my husband has already remarked on the things our future kid/kids may not experience that he did growing up. And I'm sure it'd be the other way around, for me, if we'd wound up in Sweden instead of the US. It's that enormously bittersweet part of international relationships - you can't both stay where you've been all along, someone has to give it up. And that's so hard.

[chestnutt 10]

23 minutes ago, moreadore said:

Aside from everybody mentioning talking to your husband, you did have a baby 10 months ago and said you've been feeling this way for a few months. You might want to see a professional about possible PPD. It's normal to feel the homesickness especially with such a big family change but if you can't shake it please also consider professional help. 

This has been in the back of my mind, I guess I've maybe been putting off making the phone call a little bit. I will do it today. 

 

14 minutes ago, Paul & Mallory said:

I definitely do not think you are alone in feeling this way, by either folks who feel this way daily, or just on occasion.

 

I'm the USC, so I cannot entirely relate to you. But I can relate, as far as knowing my husband probably feels the same, with some things. I feel so guilty sometimes at the thought of the life he gave up in Sweden to come here. And sometimes I see it on his face, even if he is a good sport and one of the most positive, adaptive people I know. He misses his family, obviously. His 3-year-old nephew the most. He misses being in a big city (Gothenburg, Sweden) and the easy access to public transportation. He actually didn't update his driver's license once we knew he'd be moving here, since it's so expensive to and not worth it, and lived quite easily without one for nearly a year before leaving. That's not a reality where we live now. He doesn't have his driver's license yet, and we have just the one car for now anyway, and that's probably been the biggest adjustment. We have things like Uber and Lyft, but it's still not the same as hopping a tram to get around or just being able to walk somewhere.

 

There's so many smaller things he's adjusting to, that I never thought about twice about, before now. I realize how much I take for granted, being the one who didn't have to relocate. And if I knew my husband felt this way, this much, or had said these things online or to another person, I'd be heartbroken. I'd be more than willing to compromise and find a happy median. I wouldn't just be willing - I'd be adamant to. As much as he sacrificed for us, the least I could do is listen and compromise.

 

Communication is the greatest factor in these situations. Not saying you have not already, but I definitely encourage widening that line of communication with your husband, on this topic particularly. I think someone else said the same, or similar - it's important for him to understand that you may have moved here 5 years ago, and perhaps he feels you should consider this home now... but maybe it's just now hitting you. Maybe it has been hitting you, slowly over time, and you have just finally hit a wall. I can understand having a child intensifying those feelings. We haven't had kids yet, and my husband has already remarked on the things our future kid/kids may not experience that he did growing up. And I'm sure it'd be the other way around, for me, if we'd wound up in Sweden instead of the US. It's that enormously bittersweet part of international relationships - you can't both stay where you've been all along, someone has to give it up. And that's so hard.

My feelings coming up like this have surprised me a little. I've always been pretty proud of how I managed to leave my whole life behind and jump into this one, but I think you're right about it being a slow build over time and hitting a wall. And on his part I understand that it will be difficult to comprehend.  I clearly need to communicate with him better, I just wish I could do it without the damn waterworks starting and have a level-headed, logical conversation 😐

[fip & jim 452]

12 minutes ago, chestnutt said:

 I clearly need to communicate with him better, I just wish I could do it without the damn waterworks starting and have a level-headed, logical conversation 😐

That's why writing it could make it easier. He can read it and process it in his own time. It bypasses that emotional/logical loggerhead that can happen. This works for us at times. 

 

You've explained yourself here very clearly and been understood. It could have the same effect with your husband. If you get stuck trying to write, or it feels weird, you could cut and paste from here. 

[Mike E 11,722]

17 hours ago, chestnutt said:

A big issue for me is that I 100% do not like where we live. I came from a big city in Australia that I just loved. Here we are living in a small town, that is run down, very few people that live here take pride in their houses so most places look like dumps, the people are questionable, there is not much to do, the weather is absolutely awful from November to April which drags me down a lot.

You could been in the same situation with an Australian husband who lived in a

rural run down area. With bad weather. 

 

So so this isn’t an America vs Australia thing.  This is you vs your marriage decision thing.  

 

You are miserable.  And it is in your power to fix it, whether you continue your marriage with your husband or not.   It can be fixed without moving ten thousand miles.  

[Nereyda 2]

Sorry you're going through this. Did you get a chance to visit his town before you moved to the States? Did you know anything about his town and what to expect? 

 

I sent my husband videos about where I lived etc. So he had a pretty good idea of what to expect before he moved here.

 

Nonetheless, I hope your husband compromises with you, as he's supposed to. He's married now. You're his main family.

[R&OC 346]

I am so sorry you feel that way because I know how it feels!

 

My husband is the USC and has no idea what it is like to adjust to a country and often we do it all so effortlessly. Having said that... above there is a comment by someone else about how this could happen to you in Australia being married to an Australian husband as well. 

 

I believe this is a host of factors coming together: One, you left your comfort zone and while exciting initially, it does kind of wear off a little. Secondly, when a baby is born, many of us start feeling closer to your birth family as there is a sense of familiarity. Also, giving birth happens to be such a whirlwind experience. The marriage is often different giving birth, intimacy is different, communication changes, the sense of being able to leave everything behind and start over new back home is definitely never going to be a real option again (even though you may not want to exercise that option ever).

 

My first now ex-husband and I never managed to integrate children into our relationship and we ultimately got divorced because we never managed to transition from being a no-kids-double-income to a kids-double-income-equitable-share-in-duties couple. I felt so lonely and had wanted to move back to my family. And that happened in the same country.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is - perhaps it is not necessarily just homesickness but also a sense of loneliness in your marriage? Or a lack of communication?

 

 

Edited March 4, 2019 by R&OC

[dentsflogged 352]

1 hour ago, FluffyBalls said:

 

Can't you move to Madison or Milwaukee? Chicago would be even better.  You moved to the US, can't he move within the same state?? I would be absolutely heartbroken if I knew my wife posted this message.

 

We've discussed it, but his job is here and it's such a low cost of living area that we can live very comfortably on a single income. We looked at living closer to Chicago but the cost of living would more than triple and increase in his wage wouldn't match it.      

I had a great job in Australia. After 13 years I worked my way into a position that paid a very good wage and I enjoyed it.  Similar roles here pay less than 1/3 of what I was earning (accounting for exchange rate) and seem to require me to do far more.   Perhaps I was over-paid and I'm being petulant now, but I'd rather be a stay at home wife doing volunteer work and helping with community events than go to work every day to earn so little that we'd essentially end up in a worse financial position than we're in now (accounting for the fact that I'd need a vehicle, cost of living increase, additional gas for longer travel to/from work for both of us, much higher cost of housing - we bought a home for less than $60k. 

Plus the entire point of me staying here (we did AOS from ESTA) was because his mom is sick, so moving away from her right now, or in the foreseeable future, would kinda negate the whole point. 

 

1 hour ago, chestnutt said:

dentsflogged it sounds like our husbands would get along quite well 🙄 Everything you're saying about your town is basically what I deal with too, it's quite discouraging to go on a nice walk and just stroll by people's yards that have baby gear strewed around that you know hasn't been used in at least 5 years. We usually road walk too, not only because of the snow but in our town in some places the sidewalk just simply isn't there or is far too rough to push a stroller along. 

I second missing the variety and quality of food, the culture, the activity, the vibe, the different landscapes, Australia really is a wonderful country (Brisbane girl here). 

Missing family and friends -- so so much. 

I think from the sounds of it they would, too! 

I actually dream about the food sometimes. My best friend is coming to visit in a few weeks and is bringing me some ingredients I can't get here so I can make stuff, then after a week we are flying to NYC together. In 5 nights/6 days there's already a list of about 10 different cuisines I want to chase down - some of my favourites like Thai, Japanese and (good) Italian, but also stuff that's hard to find like Ethiopian or Afghani.  I've got a running list of the 20+ places I'll go when I'm back in Melbourne in October. 

Australia is totally unique. I love it there so much. Love my husband so much, too. And how much he loves me. I just wish it wasn't such a no-brainer to live here in terms of cost and our financial future.   Owning a home outright in less than 3 years for less than the cost of a deposit on an apartment in Melbourne is the biggest selling point.  If everything goes to plan we will both be able to retire with our current state of comfort in 25 years (before I'm 60). If we lived in Australia, we'd both be working to 70+ given the cost of everything.  

[bigjailerman 318]

17 hours ago, chestnutt said:

Hi all,

 

This is a little wordy, guess I'm just looking to vent a little to people that will understand what I am going through, because no one else really understands as hard as they may try.

 

I've been living in the US for almost 5 years. I love my husband, he is a great person, we have a 10 month old daughter together who is just perfect. The past few months I have really started to question my choice in moving here.  Leaving my family and friends and whole entire life weighs heavily on my mind now more than it ever has.

 

His family is fantastic, his sister and mother and I are close, I have a job that I like (well, as much as you can like something you have to go and do everyday!).

 

A big issue for me is that I 100% do not like where we live. I came from a big city in Australia that I just loved. Here we are living in a small town, that is run down, very few people that live here take pride in their houses so most places look like dumps, the people are questionable, there is not much to do, the weather is absolutely awful from November to April which drags me down a lot.

 

Lately I have tried to talk to him about this, he is just so practical that it gets in the way. I drive 40 mins one way to work each day, I tried to ask him about possibly moving closer to my work which is much closer to a larger town with so much more to do. He doesn't even want to move out of this school district (his family is so close to here so I understand, but really I think it would be okay to live within 30 mins of them!).

 

I guess after having the baby it has started to just make me feel like I am completely trapped in a place I do not like, with basically no options. I also feel like I compromised my whole entire life to move here for him, and he has had to compromise absolutely nothing, and does not seem willing to compromise on anything in the future.

 

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I regret moving here.

 

Anyone else on here in the same boat?

 

It is understandable, but do you really regret moving here to the US or it is just the present location as you pointed out. Just curious where do you live in Pa.. We live here as well and my wife loves it here, we are not too far from Philadelphia. We moved to NY (despite I lived there my whole life it is very expensive more now than ever) when she arrived with our children from Colombia. There are so many places throughout this beautiful country that have wonderful and dreadful places to settle down. Nothing is permanent so don't give up. Try to understand your husbands "practical" point of view and, most people, together can work out any difficulties if everyone puts their cards on the table honestly. I know that in some areas of Pa can be very economical to live but some of these areas have become worn down and unappealing recently. If I were you I would stress to your husband how much it weighs on you and how much you guys could work out a long term plan. Sometimes people get locked in to a good paying job despite the surroundings, is that the issue with your spouse? I wouldn't doubt that his priority is to care for his family. It seems that you have outlined quite a few positive reasons to stay and they are all pretty formidable to overcome from his perspective at least. Great child, great family attachments, you have a great husband. Its a pretty good trade-off for many people. Often after a relatively new child is born, mothers do feel trapped in their circumstances.

Does your husband understand how you feel and why?

[chestnutt 10]

1 hour ago, Mike E said:

You could been in the same situation with an Australian husband who lived in a

rural run down area. With bad weather. 

 

So so this isn’t an America vs Australia thing.  This is you vs your marriage decision thing.  

 

You are miserable.  And it is in your power to fix it, whether you continue your marriage with your husband or not.   It can be fixed without moving ten thousand miles.  

That is true, good to get a different perspective. 

1 hour ago, Nereyda said:

Sorry you're going through this. Did you get a chance to visit his town before you moved to the States? Did you know anything about his town and what to expect? 

 

I sent my husband videos about where I lived etc. So he had a pretty good idea of what to expect before he moved here.

 

Nonetheless, I hope your husband compromises with you, as he's supposed to. He's married now. You're his main family.

I did visit for 2x2 week periods about a year apart. I guess my only defense to that really is that I was young dumb and in love and focusing more on being with him than what our life would be like 5 years down the road. Maybe I never admitted to myself that this was where I am going to spend the rest of my life and some part of me was hoping we would move onto to a better place. Now I'm dealing with the reality of it.

1 hour ago, bigjailerman said:

 

It is understandable, but do you really regret moving here to the US or it is just the present location as you pointed out. Just curious where do you live in Pa.. We live here as well and my wife loves it here, we are not too far from Philadelphia. We moved to NY (despite I lived there my whole life it is very expensive more now than ever) when she arrived with our children from Colombia. There are so many places throughout this beautiful country that have wonderful and dreadful places to settle down. Nothing is permanent so don't give up. Try to understand your husbands "practical" point of view and, most people, together can work out any difficulties if everyone puts their cards on the table honestly. I know that in some areas of Pa can be very economical to live but some of these areas have become worn down and unappealing recently. If I were you I would stress to your husband how much it weighs on you and how much you guys could work out a long term plan. Sometimes people get locked in to a good paying job despite the surroundings, is that the issue with your spouse? I wouldn't doubt that his priority is to care for his family. It seems that you have outlined quite a few positive reasons to stay and they are all pretty formidable to overcome from his perspective at least. Great child, great family attachments, you have a great husband. Its a pretty good trade-off for many people. Often after a relatively new child is born, mothers do feel trapped in their circumstances.

Does your husband understand how you feel and why?

I suspect if I lived in a place I liked I would not feel like this. I live right up in the north east corner, close to the NY border. The only good thing about living here as you say it is very economical. We both have jobs that don't pay a crazy amount but for where we live it is quite good money and a dollar goes quite far. I guess I need to ask him about the understanding part and try to communicate more clearly.

[Yanirose 64]

I can fully relate to this.. my first year of marriage was tough I couldn't work, I couldn't drive and I was pregnant... my husband tried very much to keep me company but he had to work and understandably sometimes on his day off he was tired. I was on a verge of being depressed.. Thankfully I've found myself a new hobby, bought a camera and started taking courses on Photography... fast forward 3 years I have a job now that I enjoy and I can drive! I also do photography jobs on the side, made myself new friends and I make sure to go out at least once a week with my friends to have me some 'MeTime" for myself! It's important not to lose yourself.

 

[NikLR 13,220]

You said your husband is practical so the best way to approach moving closer to a larger city would be to suggest housing you can afford, in good school district. Some people have a hard time hearing problems when you don't have a solution in mind.  

I agree that you could be suffering from some PPD.  It would help to have someone to talk to about your frustrations who may be able to help you verbalize to your hubs.  

 

I totally understand how you feel too that you gave up everything and he isn't giving an inch.  But realistically that likely isnt the case so step back and see what he does do just so you arent angry about it as much.  Not because you need to praise him or whatever, just so you remember what you have not just what you lost. 

Ive had to do it a lot.  It does help.  

[Lil bear 3,831]

22 hours ago, TheKingmaker said:

Just read that Australia had the hottest summer on record. Wonder what that feels like.

Not as hot as Texas I can assure you !! 

[Lil bear 3,831]

2 hours ago, chestnutt said:

That is true, good to get a different perspective. 

I did visit for 2x2 week periods about a year apart. I guess my only defense to that really is that I was young dumb and in love and focusing more on being with him than what our life would be like 5 years down the road. Maybe I never admitted to myself that this was where I am going to spend the rest of my life and some part of me was hoping we would move onto to a better place. Now I'm dealing with the reality of it.

I suspect if I lived in a place I liked I would not feel like this. I live right up in the north east corner, close to the NY border. The only good thing about living here as you say it is very economical. We both have jobs that don't pay a crazy amount but for where we live it is quite good money and a dollar goes quite far. I guess I need to ask him about the understanding part and try to communicate more clearly.

It would be worthwhile thinking about going to see a counsellor together to help you hear each other and to assist with each of you being supported as you share the challenges. 

I do understand though .. I was back in Melbourne this month and soaked  up as much as I could of the CBD, laneways and shopping strips, ride train, tram and bus everywhere, had breakfast out often and probably overdosed on good flat whites.  It’s a hard transition from a country that is so open to all things from everywhere in the world.. and rural US can be feel really suffocating. I feel for you. 

[Lil bear 3,831]

4 hours ago, dentsflogged said:

We've discussed it, but his job is here and it's such a low cost of living area that we can live very comfortably on a single income. We looked at living closer to Chicago but the cost of living would more than triple and increase in his wage wouldn't match it.      

I had a great job in Australia. After 13 years I worked my way into a position that paid a very good wage and I enjoyed it.  Similar roles here pay less than 1/3 of what I was earning (accounting for exchange rate) and seem to require me to do far more.   Perhaps I was over-paid and I'm being petulant now, but I'd rather be a stay at home wife doing volunteer work and helping with community events than go to work every day to earn so little that we'd essentially end up in a worse financial position than we're in now (accounting for the fact that I'd need a vehicle, cost of living increase, additional gas for longer travel to/from work for both of us, much higher cost of housing - we bought a home for less than $60k. 

Plus the entire point of me staying here (we did AOS from ESTA) was because his mom is sick, so moving away from her right now, or in the foreseeable future, would kinda negate the whole point. 

 

I think from the sounds of it they would, too! 

I actually dream about the food sometimes. My best friend is coming to visit in a few weeks and is bringing me some ingredients I can't get here so I can make stuff, then after a week we are flying to NYC together. In 5 nights/6 days there's already a list of about 10 different cuisines I want to chase down - some of my favourites like Thai, Japanese and (good) Italian, but also stuff that's hard to find like Ethiopian or Afghani.  I've got a running list of the 20+ places I'll go when I'm back in Melbourne in October. 

Australia is totally unique. I love it there so much. Love my husband so much, too. And how much he loves me. I just wish it wasn't such a no-brainer to live here in terms of cost and our financial future.   Owning a home outright in less than 3 years for less than the cost of a deposit on an apartment in Melbourne is the biggest selling point.  If everything goes to plan we will both be able to retire with our current state of comfort in 25 years (before I'm 60). If we lived in Australia, we'd both be working to 70+ given the cost of everything.  

I have found ways to get most of the ingredients I need here.. golden syrup, milo, vegemite to name a few... PM me if you want info !!! 

[dentsflogged 352]

14 minutes ago, Lil bear said:

Not as hot as Texas I can assure you !! 

I think the difference is that Australian cities and homes aren't built for the kind of heat we get (or for our winters) - many aren't properly insulated, the vast majority of rental properties don't have air conditioning and A/C on public transport (MUCH more widely used in major cities in the US) ranges from "slightly less hot air moving around" to "open a window" - that's assuming that the PT is running on really hot days, which in Melbourne at least isn't always a guarantee since the train lines buckle in the heat.   I found Texas to be pretty pleasant in the summer since it was a dry heat (at least when I was there) - it didn't "feel" as hot compared to hot days in Melbourne or Adelaide but that cold also be because I was there from winter and thus defrosting... 

 

18 minutes ago, Lil bear said:

I have found ways to get most of the ingredients I need here.. golden syrup, milo, vegemite to name a few... PM me if you want info !!! 

Thanks but I got it covered. Most things can be got from Amazon. A few of the things I wanted were ebay and then my bestie is bringing a bunch with her.   Tomorrow night's dinner is Aussie Meat Pies which my husband LOATHES but will eat because its that or starve