Been here for 5 years and I don't know if I made the right choice.

[TBoneTX 43,048]

9 hours ago, chestnutt said:

for where we live it is quite good money and a dollar goes quite far.

Perspective:  Other VJ members (and people in the general population) would probably knock you out of the way and run over you to get what you have.

[chestnutt 10]

10 hours ago, NikLR said:

You said your husband is practical so the best way to approach moving closer to a larger city would be to suggest housing you can afford, in good school district. Some people have a hard time hearing problems when you don't have a solution in mind.  

I agree that you could be suffering from some PPD.  It would help to have someone to talk to about your frustrations who may be able to help you verbalize to your hubs.  

 

I totally understand how you feel too that you gave up everything and he isn't giving an inch.  But realistically that likely isnt the case so step back and see what he does do just so you arent angry about it as much.  Not because you need to praise him or whatever, just so you remember what you have not just what you lost. 

Ive had to do it a lot.  It does help.  

That's a good idea, I will try and gauge a feel for the cost of moving before I jump right in and just blurt out what I'm imagining in my head. I will try and step back as you suggested, I feel like that will be very helpful.

10 hours ago, Lil bear said:

It would be worthwhile thinking about going to see a counsellor together to help you hear each other and to assist with each of you being supported as you share the challenges. 

I do understand though .. I was back in Melbourne this month and soaked  up as much as I could of the CBD, laneways and shopping strips, ride train, tram and bus everywhere, had breakfast out often and probably overdosed on good flat whites.  It’s a hard transition from a country that is so open to all things from everywhere in the world.. and rural US can be feel really suffocating. I feel for you. 

Yes I feel like counseling could help, even just to get a neutral 3rd party point of view.

10 hours ago, Lil bear said:

I have found ways to get most of the ingredients I need here.. golden syrup, milo, vegemite to name a few... PM me if you want info !!! 

Okay where would I find golden syrup haha, I've not been able to find it anywhere!

3 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

Perspective:  Other VJ members (and people in the general population) would probably knock you out of the way and run over you to get what you have.

Perhaps. If we were to move to a large city on what we earn we would be in a very different financial situation. I suppose there is a price to be paid for having so many opportunities for new experiences right at your fingertips.

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

19 hours ago, chestnutt said:

This has been in the back of my mind, I guess I've maybe been putting off making the phone call a little bit. I will do it today. 

 

My feelings coming up like this have surprised me a little. I've always been pretty proud of how I managed to leave my whole life behind and jump into this one, but I think you're right about it being a slow build over time and hitting a wall. And on his part I understand that it will be difficult to comprehend.  I clearly need to communicate with him better, I just wish I could do it without the damn waterworks starting and have a level-headed, logical conversation 😐

I can totally relate to that. I am a highly emotional person and have a hard time with confronting difficult topics or situations. I cry at everything!!

 

I still think it's a worthwhile conversation, waterworks or not, to have - for both of you. Maybe the waterworks would actually serve a purpose - for him to see how hard this is on you, and how this is wearing on you. I suffer from general anxiety and I tried to control it in the beginning of my relationship - I felt like it wasn't his problem. The game changer for me was the day I finally broke down and burst into tears in front of him and just unloaded everything I'd been feeling. It was hard, and I didn't intend on unloading on him like that, that day - but it ended up being necessary. He finally saw what I was going through and felt like he was finally in a position to not only understand me, but work through it with me. Marriage isn't always rainbows and stars - sometimes it's tears, ugly crying, and difficult conversations.

 

If your relationship with your husband is one you believe in, and he truly loves you, then he will be willing to sit down and talk this through with you. I would 200% want my husband to come to me and talk to me, if he felt the way you did. He has - he tells me when he's having a bad day and misses Sweden more than usual. Sometimes, something as little as just recognizing when you're having worse days than others, with the homesickness, can be helpful. And if it's a matter of needing a larger compromise - like relocating - that deserves just as much acknowledgement and conversation, if not more.

[dentsflogged 352]

4 hours ago, chestnutt said:

That's a good idea, I will try and gauge a feel for the cost of moving before I jump right in and just blurt out what I'm imagining in my head. I will try and step back as you suggested, I feel like that will be very helpful.

Yes I feel like counseling could help, even just to get a neutral 3rd party point of view.

Okay where would I find golden syrup haha, I've not been able to find it anywhere!

Perhaps. If we were to move to a large city on what we earn we would be in a very different financial situation. I suppose there is a price to be paid for having so many opportunities for new experiences right at your fingertips.

Amazon!  I think I paid $9 for 2 tins of it. Search for "Lyles Golden Syrup".   

Plus you'd be amazed what you can find on eBay.  I have a seller saved who has almost everything I miss from home, and put in an order every now and then.  Currently on it's way to me: 2 boxes of NutriGrain, some fun-size Crunchies, a bag of Caramello Koalas, Kraft (Bega) peanut butter (crunchy, of course), Smith's Chicken Chips and some of the pearl Cous-Cous I like.   

Sadly I can't get the one thing I really want here which is Up & Go liquid breakfast. I used to have that for breakfast every day and it was great with feeling full until lunch AND tasty. I can't find anything even close to it in terms of the right taste AND not full of sugar. 

[Pera82 3]

I feel the same way. I’m from Milan, Italy and now I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere in Central Massachusetts (I call it “the bush” lol). I’ve been here for almost 4 years and it hasn’t been easy. My husband works remote for a nyc company and he owns a house here. When he bought this house he commuted 2 hours one way by car to Boston (crazy, huh!).. I sure can’t do that.. I drive 45 minutes one way (not too too bad during warm months, but hell during winter) for a job that feels just like a job, nothing I care about keeping long term.

Before getting married I visited him here 4 times and we agreed on moving to the Boston area (the plan was to find a place like 30-45 minutes train commute to the city) for a better quality of life and more work opportunities for me. Unfortunately, the house market in the Boston area has been crazy for the past few years. What makes me sad is that my husband doesn’t want to compromise on any other city. I understand that the Boston area is out of our financial possibilities right now, we both don’t want some crazy high mortgage on our shoulders and he says he can’t live in a "tiny" condo because he works from home and he needs some space (his words lol). It’s understandable, but there are countless of other options out there. He doesn’t want to move out of state because of his family, he is very close to his siblings. Our relationship is good, we knew each other for 5 years before getting married. but yea, I’m kind of miserable here and sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. I definitely miss having more of a social life and living in a more "vibrant" area, it gets lonely... hopefully it will get better

[chestnutt 10]

10 hours ago, dentsflogged said:

Amazon!  I think I paid $9 for 2 tins of it. Search for "Lyles Golden Syrup".   

Plus you'd be amazed what you can find on eBay.  I have a seller saved who has almost everything I miss from home, and put in an order every now and then.  Currently on it's way to me: 2 boxes of NutriGrain, some fun-size Crunchies, a bag of Caramello Koalas, Kraft (Bega) peanut butter (crunchy, of course), Smith's Chicken Chips and some of the pearl Cous-Cous I like.   

Sadly I can't get the one thing I really want here which is Up & Go liquid breakfast. I used to have that for breakfast every day and it was great with feeling full until lunch AND tasty. I can't find anything even close to it in terms of the right taste AND not full of sugar. 

Oh yes, thank you I will order some. Oh man, crunchies are one of the best things on this planet. It is just nuts how much sugar is hidden in stuff nowadays. Something I've had trouble finding is desiccated coconut, can find the shaved stuff everywhere but it's so chunky!

1 hour ago, Pera82 said:

I feel the same way. I’m from Milan, Italy and now I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere in Central Massachusetts (I call it “the bush” lol). I’ve been here for almost 4 years and it hasn’t been easy. My husband works remote for a nyc company and he owns a house here. When he bought this house he commuted 2 hours one way by car to Boston (crazy, huh!).. I sure can’t do that.. I drive 45 minutes one way (not too too bad during warm months, but hell during winter) for a job that feels just like a job, nothing I care about keeping long term.

Before getting married I visited him here 4 times and we agreed on moving to the Boston area (the plan was to find a place like 30-45 minutes train commute to the city) for a better quality of life and more work opportunities for me. Unfortunately, the house market in the Boston area has been crazy for the past few years. What makes me sad is that my husband doesn’t want to compromise on any other city. I understand that the Boston area is out of our financial possibilities right now, we both don’t want some crazy high mortgage on our shoulders and he says he can’t live in a "tiny" condo because he works from home and he needs some space (his words lol). It’s understandable, but there are countless of other options out there. He doesn’t want to move out of state because of his family, he is very close to his siblings. Our relationship is good, we knew each other for 5 years before getting married. but yea, I’m kind of miserable here and sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. I definitely miss having more of a social life and living in a more "vibrant" area, it gets lonely... hopefully it will get better

I'm so sorry you feel that way. That is an awful drive for him, I second that on the long drive during winter being hell!  I imagine that must be so frustrating you both having the same goal of moving close to Boston but just simply not being able to. Hopefully if you keep a lookout and maybe settle for a "work in progress" type house something may come up for you. Yes I miss having a social life too, it can be very isolating. Sounds like there is some hope for you in the future, hopefully it works out sooner rather than later.

[dentsflogged 352]

12 hours ago, chestnutt said:

Oh yes, thank you I will order some. Oh man, crunchies are one of the best things on this planet. It is just nuts how much sugar is hidden in stuff nowadays. Something I've had trouble finding is desiccated coconut, can find the shaved stuff everywhere but it's so chunky!.

I've had good luck finding it at Walmart - the "organic" kind because it's unsweetened. 

Honestly I've just started making most things at home because even if it's not exactly the same as what I'm used to, it's better than having savoury dishes have that vague undertone of sweetness. Even JAM - I mean, Jam is mostly sugar right? So why is it that the jam here makes my teeth hurt with it's sweetness vs jam from home?   It's so weird. 

[millefleur 5,035]

5 hours ago, dentsflogged said:

I've had good luck finding it at Walmart - the "organic" kind because it's unsweetened. 

Honestly I've just started making most things at home because even if it's not exactly the same as what I'm used to, it's better than having savoury dishes have that vague undertone of sweetness. Even JAM - I mean, Jam is mostly sugar right? So why is it that the jam here makes my teeth hurt with it's sweetness vs jam from home?   It's so weird. 

Americans are addicted to sugar....I constantly check the labels for how many grams of sugar are in things before I buy them because everything here is just so overly sweetened. I also read labels for dubious things like "high fructose corn syrup" and other such creepy fake sugars. Buying organic is a good way to go as organic brands tend to actually care about the health content of their products. If you're lucky enough to live near a Trader Joe's grocery store, they have reasonably priced organic no sugar added jam/preserves, in addition to some good quality non-organic low sugar jams.

 

 

[EmilyW 1,222]

And if you want meat pies, Australian Bakery Cafe in Marietta, Georgia.  They ship anywhere and the pies are amazeballs. 

[FluffyBalls 52]

On 3/5/2019 at 6:19 PM, Pera82 said:

I feel the same way. I’m from Milan, Italy and now I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere in Central Massachusetts (I call it “the bush” lol). I’ve been here for almost 4 years and it hasn’t been easy. My husband works remote for a nyc company and he owns a house here. When he bought this house he commuted 2 hours one way by car to Boston (crazy, huh!).. I sure can’t do that.. I drive 45 minutes one way (not too too bad during warm months, but hell during winter) for a job that feels just like a job, nothing I care about keeping long term.

Before getting married I visited him here 4 times and we agreed on moving to the Boston area (the plan was to find a place like 30-45 minutes train commute to the city) for a better quality of life and more work opportunities for me. Unfortunately, the house market in the Boston area has been crazy for the past few years. What makes me sad is that my husband doesn’t want to compromise on any other city. I understand that the Boston area is out of our financial possibilities right now, we both don’t want some crazy high mortgage on our shoulders and he says he can’t live in a "tiny" condo because he works from home and he needs some space (his words lol). It’s understandable, but there are countless of other options out there. He doesn’t want to move out of state because of his family, he is very close to his siblings. Our relationship is good, we knew each other for 5 years before getting married. but yea, I’m kind of miserable here and sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. I definitely miss having more of a social life and living in a more "vibrant" area, it gets lonely... hopefully it will get better

 

Being able to work 100% remotely is the holy grail of mobility! Can you split time between the US and Italy?

 

One of my friends works 100% remote and his wife is Chinese, they spend 3 months in China (when it's winter here) and 9 months in Chicago in a condo near downtown. 

[sherydenise 66]

On 3/6/2019 at 1:19 PM, Pera82 said:

I feel the same way. I’m from Milan, Italy and now I live in a small town in the middle of nowhere in Central Massachusetts (I call it “the bush” lol). I’ve been here for almost 4 years and it hasn’t been easy. My husband works remote for a nyc company and he owns a house here. When he bought this house he commuted 2 hours one way by car to Boston (crazy, huh!).. I sure can’t do that.. I drive 45 minutes one way (not too too bad during warm months, but hell during winter) for a job that feels just like a job, nothing I care about keeping long term.

Before getting married I visited him here 4 times and we agreed on moving to the Boston area (the plan was to find a place like 30-45 minutes train commute to the city) for a better quality of life and more work opportunities for me. Unfortunately, the house market in the Boston area has been crazy for the past few years. What makes me sad is that my husband doesn’t want to compromise on any other city. I understand that the Boston area is out of our financial possibilities right now, we both don’t want some crazy high mortgage on our shoulders and he says he can’t live in a "tiny" condo because he works from home and he needs some space (his words lol). It’s understandable, but there are countless of other options out there. He doesn’t want to move out of state because of his family, he is very close to his siblings. Our relationship is good, we knew each other for 5 years before getting married. but yea, I’m kind of miserable here and sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. I definitely miss having more of a social life and living in a more "vibrant" area, it gets lonely... hopefully it will get better

I'll be moving to Quincy when I come, my husband just moved into our new place at the beginning of the month. He really wanted to be in the more Northern areas (Malden etc) but we were finding it difficult to find an affordable place. I was looking at apartments a year ago and prices back then were even a couple hundred cheaper per month than they are this year. I am excited to be living in the Boston area, but not excited about the prices lol

[Pera82 3]

7 hours ago, FluffyBalls said:

 

Being able to work 100% remotely is the holy grail of mobility! Can you split time between the US and Italy?

 

One of my friends works 100% remote and his wife is Chinese, they spend 3 months in China (when it's winter here) and 9 months in Chicago in a condo near downtown. 

that's my ultimate goal for the next 5 to 8 years, trying to find a job that will allow me to split between the US and italy  that would be a dream scenario

 

2 hours ago, sherydenise said:

I'll be moving to Quincy when I come, my husband just moved into our new place at the beginning of the month. He really wanted to be in the more Northern areas (Malden etc) but we were finding it difficult to find an affordable place. I was looking at apartments a year ago and prices back then were even a couple hundred cheaper per month than they are this year. I am excited to be living in the Boston area, but not excited about the prices lol

Quincy is pretty good, very well connected to the city. I think you'll like the Boston area, there's a lot to do and there are a lot of opportunities.. but yea the cost of living/housing is extremely high at the moment, it's comparable to nyc, it gets overwhelming.. it's all about finding the right balance (still trying to convince my husband on that part 😂)

[TTG 8]

Hey Chestnutt. 

You moved across the world for your partner. It's not unreasonable to ask or even expect him to move 30 minutes away from his family. Tell him to grow up and stop being such a townie. Your happiness is important! 

[bigjailerman 318]

3 hours ago, TTG said:

Hey Chestnutt. 

You moved across the world for your partner. It's not unreasonable to ask or even expect him to move 30 minutes away from his family. Tell him to grow up and stop being such a townie. Your happiness is important! 

I don't know about that, approaching anyone with an attitude like that doesn't get you far, unless you want a bitter fight...

[cyclone27 710]

^there is a little more than just saying one can up/move.

 

If you own a house and paying a mortgage than that also has to be factored in.