Impact on relationship

[Sarah G 166]

For those who are going through fiancé or spousal visa processes, how has this affected your relationship? 

 

We have only just submitted the I-130 and already I know the stress is having an impact on us both. I find myself unable to talk to him about almost anything other than immigration related things, and I know it frustrates him hugely. His approach is to not talk about anything much at all, and stay home alone and drink all evening, every evening. Neither of us is dealing with it in a healthy way and it's really tough. 

 

I only left the US from my last visit nine days ago and already it feels like I haven't seen him in months. 

 

We tell ourselves this is a temporary situation, that every day that passes is a day closer to me getting the visa, but it really isn't that comforting. 

 

How on earth do you all cope? 

[CappuccinoMo 48]

Hi Sarah,

 

this has been and still tough, we are at the end of this long journey, waiting for interview, my husband and i meet every 3months but this doesn"t compensate the need to be together at all. we talk almost about immigration, our career plan are Stand by-ed, the desire to have kids is stand by-ed also...everything is conditioned by Immigiration, which makes me crazy, my husband handle this better than me, for me i gained weight (8kilos)  daily anxiety and sad most of the time, i still can't accept the idea that your future is in another's person hand 😕 i don't understand questions that would be asked  from CO and not prepared at all to a negative outcome. 

at work i can't apply for new positions because i can leave at any time and by the time i have to leave, 2 months notice 😵  

my husband told me yesterday : our cup is all filed and we will be together no matter, i will never give up on us 

 

we have to find the words to comfort us and our love, we have to stay strong, lot of people are in the same boat like thousands people are waiting. 

 

God Bless 

 

 

[TBoneTX 43,058]

Thread is moved from Off Topic to General Immigration Discussion -- topic applies to various visa processes.

[millefleur 5,035]

Sorry to hear you guys are having troubles. Immigration is hard...it's even more complicated if your spouse is from a non "friendly" country to the US, often involves even more paperwork in the relationship (visitor visa for the USC, etc.). It's a problem that my other friends who've never dealt with immigration paperwork can't relate to at all. It can feel very lonely!

 

At the end of the day, it's just a huge waiting game. It takes tons of patience. Stay focused on the end goal and be positive. If your relationship is strong and you are both really sure this is the right next step, that's what matters. If you have any potential "red flags" that CO's will pick up on, just post here on VJ or search the forums, people here are really friendly and accommodating! This website is just an amazing resource, don't know how I could get through it all without VJ.

 

Things haven't even been that great for us here since we moved to the US (we're already thinking about the next country to eventually move to down the road..lol) but in the meantime we are just focused on the next steps (ROC, and eventually citizenship!) and trying to enjoy the little things. Wish you guys luck!

 

 

Edited January 17, 2019 by millefleur

[HonoraryCitizen 179]

1 hour ago, Sarah G said:

For those who are going through fiancé or spousal visa processes, how has this affected your relationship? 

 

 I find myself unable to talk to him about almost anything other than immigration related things, and I know it frustrates him hugely. His approach is to not talk about anything much at all, and stay home alone and drink all evening, every evening. Neither of us is dealing with it in a healthy way and it's really tough. 

 

Maybe start counting your blessings (literally) that you’re from a country where you can visit your partner in the USA visa free during the process will help. Most people don’t have that luxury. 

 

Marriage and relationships come with stress, nevermind immigration issues. You should both explore healthy mechanisms to cope. This is your opportunity while you actually don’t live together. Everything starts from the mind. 

 

Most people who have gone through will tell you, even after the process the first few months together are even worse particularly for the fiancé visa where the beneficiary cannot work or do much the first five six months after arriving in the USA.

 

I would also get frustrated and suspicious if all my foreign spouse wants to talk about is her immigrant visa, so the onus is on you to change that.

 

Personally I am by natural disposition a stoic and now I actually practice stoicism so my experience is different from most, very little fazes me.

 

Everyone copes differently, for good or bad. I wish you both the best. Alcohol is never a solution. Enjoy the current friends and family you currently have, soon you won’t be seeing them much anymore, if at all.

[Precisely 95]

I don't like to pry into people's social lives, but you mentioned it, so I'll give my two cents.

 

Drinking every evening, every day, isn't healthy for any relationship, even if you were together. There's a lot of science to suggest alcohol can create dependency, and no doubt that it can cause issues with anger, depression etc, that carries with it a plethora of other risks and spill over into life and relationships.

 

- It's hard to help people break such habits, especially from thousands of miles away, but it may be worth (delicately) broaching.

- Don't bring up immigration all the time, it's like watching paint dry, and then talking about it. 

- However, communication and being open about emotions and expectations is so incredibly important, and at the risk of sounding like a jerk, it can be revealing if certain gestures aren't reciprocated by the person that supposedly loves you. I'd disagree with the guy that says being stoic as a rule is a good thing - nobody likes a complainer, but if something is, for good reason, bothering you or the relationship, then there is no good reason to bury it.

[Precisely 95]

To answer your question... yes. It can happen even to strong and genuine couples. Only someone who is naive will tell you that if it's true love then mountains can't stand between you; there is a lot more to relationships than "love".

 

I have been long distance for over two years now and I can feel that the humdrum of daily life, which ironically used to be novel and fun to discuss, also begins to turn stale. I've made a conscious effort to make a mental note of interesting things that happen to me, I see or read.

 

And here is the key, the bottom line, the beginning and the end-all, the ring to your golem: you are responsible for your happiness. You need to make yourself happy first, and that will let you live more in moment, more carefree, more interesting, more addicting.

[Sarah G 166]

I definitely know we are lucky that I'm from the UK, and will be able to visit him in the interim. 

 

Alcohol has long been an issue. When I'm there he is better with it, when we are apart he uses it as a crutch. We have discussed it several times, and he is seeking therapy to deal with the underlying issues. 

 

My problem is that I am a control freak. Usually it manifests quite healthily but in this scenario I have no control over the immigration process. The waiting makes me feel powerless and I find that hard to deal with. My response is to read constantly about this process, knowledge is power, and I need to feel some kind of power or I am all kinds of uncomfortable. 

 

I know we will be ok, and we will get through. We love each other and usually are great at supporting each other and communicating. Right now we are having a tough patch but I know we will overcome it, too. 

 

Thank you all for your advice and perspectives. 

[ahm12 83]

9 hours ago, Sarah G said:

For those who are going through fiancé or spousal visa processes, how has this affected your relationship? 

 

We have only just submitted the I-130 and already I know the stress is having an impact on us both. I find myself unable to talk to him about almost anything other than immigration related things, and I know it frustrates him hugely. His approach is to not talk about anything much at all, and stay home alone and drink all evening, every evening. Neither of us is dealing with it in a healthy way and it's really tough. 

 

I only left the US from my last visit nine days ago and already it feels like I haven't seen him in months. 

 

We tell ourselves this is a temporary situation, that every day that passes is a day closer to me getting the visa, but it really isn't that comforting. 

 

How on earth do you all cope? 

patience. it is what it is. you cant change it. 

 

that's how i survived 1 year. 

[little immigrant 800]

Hi Sarah, I'm sorry you're going through this. Which is kinda weird to say since a lot of us going through immigration and we know it's certainly difficult but not impossible. When my (now ex) husband filed for me, we received NOA and then he came to live with my in my country. This way we weren't separated for long. During the time we were separated, we kept ourselves busy with online games. That's how we initially met. Even during the time we were waiting on my visa, we played a lot of video games for distraction. Since he was with me, we were able to plan things together and actually live together. We went grocery shopping together, we had daily walks in the forest. 

 

So when you say you can't talk to him about anything but immigration, do you mean you guys don't talk about anything else at all? How does that work? You need to be able to communicate. It's difficult being separated and all but it is so important to keep the communication going. Especially because you are physically separated. 

 

I wish you lots of strength and patience. You will need it during this process.

Edited January 17, 2019 by little immigrant

[Sarah G 166]

I have been terrible for leading around 85% of our conversations towards talk of immigration. I think i have struggled since I returned from the US as I have been waiting to go back to work, so with not much to do it has been consuming my thoughts. However, I returned to work today and I already feel much better. Distraction is good, and it gives me more conversation 'material'. I will be working 7 days a week from today until a few days before my next visit at the end of April so I will be very busy and it will help my mind from becoming so preoccupied as I will have something else to focus on. He is very much affected by my mood so this will help him too, I'm sure. It's not an easy process and I remember people telling me that getting married was the easy part, doing all this stuff would be hard. I'm not sure I appreciated how hard I would find it, but I definitely see it now.

 

I would love for him to come here and be with me but sadly it's not an option for us, he's unlikely to even be able to visit as his job is not flexible and he doesn't have any vacation time accrued - nor do we have the funds to cover a trip for him here, as well as my trips there. 

 

We had a good conversation today about how all of this is affecting us both and agreed we will try harder to be open with each other about how we are feeling, rather than both trying to be strong for the other and pretending we are fine when sometimes we aren't. 

 

None of this is going to be easy, but we have a strong marriage and we will get there. 

[carmel34 3,529]

My husband and I have seen our relationship grow stronger in the last 14 months, living apart.  Keys to this growth while waiting for the immigration process:

 

1.  complete honesty, sharing everything including feelings of jealousy, misunderstanding, doubts, fears

2.  trust, trust, trust

3.  constant communication every day via text, email, with a nightly video call to see each other, share how our day went, say good night, I love you

4.  frequent visits to be together--we have had seven so far

5.  be positive and focus on little daily things that we both appreciate, avoid too much doom and gloom, negativity, sadness, pain at being apart communication

6.  spend time on yourself, to be strong individually, set goals and work on them whatever they are like exercise, learning a language, career development, etc.  If you are strong individuals, you will be stronger as a couple.

 

Good luck everyone with your waits!

[Ben&Zian 4,397]

No changed for us honestly during the process. Real change came during the initial month of living together, having to both adjust and all, getting used to each others tendencies and all.

Edited January 17, 2019 by Ben&Zian

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

8 minutes ago, Ben&Zian said:

No changed for us honestly during the process. Real change came during the initial month of living together, having to both adjust and all, getting used to each others tendencies and all.

^^Same!

 

The process was definitely trying, don't get me wrong. We absolutely had our fair share of arguments throughout the whole thing, mostly out of frustration. The bigger changes came once he was home for good. Not necessarily in a bad way, just a huge adjustment. Neither of us have lived with anyone in years - I've actually never lived with anyone before - so that alone is an adjustment. Add to it a long-term relationship that's, up until that point, always been long distance, where you're literally learning how to do every little thing TOGETHER, in front of one another. Fights used to be easy LOL you can just hang up the phone and be done with it. When you're living together, one can simply follow you into the next room  Plus just adapting to different cultures coexisting in the same household. But it's definitely been a fun learning experience! Albeit stressful at times.

 

Hang in there! There IS a light at the end of this God forsaken tunnel!

[ronniebreda 120]

Hi Sarah, 
I feel for you and your spouse. We all know what it is like because we have all been through it and it sucks! I am also a control freak that is also a pessimist, so I struggled greatly having no power over the situation. It feels like it will last forever, but it really won't be forever and that is a positive - it is longer than we all want, but this is the decision we have all made and committed to and we have to accept that. I agree that you and your spouse should take this time to work on communication and work on a healthy way of communication, this could help your spouse with relying less on alcohol and it will be extremely important for when you move to the United States because that is going to be another level of realness for your relationship (the first few-six months ain't easy). 

- Try Journaling  - I recommend to this to every person. Write down your thoughts and feelings, especially about immigration - this could help relieve your need to have to talk to your spouse constantly about immigration and it will also be an emotional release for you. 

- Skype Dates - It sounds odd, but it can be fun and if you set a certain time then you have something to look forward to. Watch a movie or Netflix show together (hit play at the same time). Play a game online together. Cook a meal together in your own kitchen at the same time. 
-  Focus on the here and now. - It is overwhelming to constantly be thinking about the months you have left. Just focus on this week. When you get to talk, what you are doing, etc. Plan time together if possible, so you have something to look forward to. 
- It is difficult, but every time you have a negative thought about the immigration process, the long wait, being away from your spouse, etc. Reprimand yourself by thinking about why you chose to do this, why you love your spouse, etc. Re-training your mind to be positive and release the negative thoughts. 
Good luck! There is a community here that will support you and we will be here to congratulate you when your long wait is over. You can do it!