Step Kids Not Accepting Step Mom

[Kawika & Michelle 108]

Hey Folks...

 

So I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this topic...but I'm sure the moderators will move it to the right place if it isn't. For those who aren't familiar with my situation, I have been in an LDR with a Filipina since June of 2020. Our first meeting was in Costa Rica in August of 2021 (thanks COVID). We started our K1 process shortly thereafter (October 2021). I was blessed enough to be able to visit her in the Philippines 3 times in 2022 since then including a 30 day stay in July of 2022. My last trip included my three children (17, 15 & 8 ) in March of 2023. That was the first time my children got to officially meet her. Prior to that my youngest had been in some video calls with us & my other two had maybe a 1-2 time video call to kind of just say hello. The meeting was a little up & down. Everyone seemed to get alone fine...and she seemed to especially connect with my youngest. The main issue was there was a few moments of misunderstanding where she threatened to leave (like she always does)...but this time she did it a couple of times where my kids became aware of her behavior. I'm not sure how that may have changed their perspective on her for better or for worse.

 

Fast forward to today...we finally finished the process & my fiancé joined us here in Texas on May 12th. For those who followed our story...it was a near miracle that she was able to pull it off & all of the puzzle pieces fell in to place to allow her to make it here. I wasn't even sure that she would be here & felt that we probably would need to postpone it for a week or two. In the rush of all of it...apparently, I didn't let my older two kids know that she was coming that weekend. My youngest (who I am closest with) knew. My kids were with their mom that weekend...so they didn't officially come back home until a couple of days after my fiancé was there. My youngest was excited to see her & gave her a hug. The older two hid out in their rooms & basically freaked out over the fact that "they were not told that this woman would be in their home". 

 

Since then we've had a series of ups & downs as a couple...as I'm sure most have experienced at first. There were no real issues with my kids other than my kids being considered disrespectful to my fiancé since they largely kept to themselves (like they always do) with my son playing his computer games & my oldest daughter coming & going with her friends. My youngest was still around and interacting with the both of us. Fast forward to today...and basically our house basically has all three kids primarily hanging out in their rooms (which is relatively normal) and my fiancé also hunkering down in our bedroom. I've told my fiancé that she needs to be more present and hang out in the living room if she wants to be able to develop any kind of relationship with my kids during the few moments that the opportunity arises. That's how I had been handling things prior to her arrival. I'd do my best to be in the living room area at least until 9 pm when my youngest would normally head to bed. This would give all of my kids access to me if they chose to interact with me or not. 

 

While my oldest have somewhat warmed up to her presence...my son will "warmly smile" at her when he sees her (his words)...and my oldest daughter will greet her when they see one another...my youngest has now started to ignore her as I think she & my fiancé feel as if they are competing for my time & affection. As a result...what has been happening is that around dinner time...my fiancé will once again isolate herself in our bedroom while I am out in the living room spending time with my youngest. Once my youngest goes to bed, then I will go into the bedroom. It just feels like a weird situation for all of us. 

 

My fiancé has expressed to me that she doesn't feel welcome in our home...largely because of how my kids are. She felt that she initially had the support of my youngest...but that has since changed as I believe they are both jealous of one another & feel threatened that they are going to lose time with me. I try to reassure them both that I have more than enough love & affection for both of them. I knew that being a step parent would be hard for anyone...but I also thought that if you willingly stepped into that role that you would need to be willing to accept that you would need to be willing to simply love those kids regardless of how they treated you in return. Kill them with kindness. 

 

Our wedding is supposed to be in less than two weeks...and I am sitting here wondering if having a wedding is a smart thing to do at this point. I feel like I am literally sitting between two high school girls fighting for my attention...as if my love & affection has limits and I can't love them both as my future wife & my daughter. 

 

Any insight, guidance or past experience would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks...

 

Kawika

[Verrou 1,899]

if you think u should postponed the wedding and asked us here, maybe u should postpone it for now.

the good thing is you have 90 days to decide. hope u find what you looking for

 

[Sam Burns 108]

Yeah I’d recommend looking at family therapy pronto. Everyone apart from you is acting like kids and only three of them are kids. Your fiancée needs to get real about her situation. 

[Family 3,474]

23 minutes ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

The main issue was there was a few moments of misunderstanding where she threatened to leave (like she always does)...but this time she did it a couple of times

Postpone the wedding. ..as long as you need to.

Teens = Emotional Terrorists and you are a good Dad and Awesome Benevolent Ruler of the Living Room.

 

Your  partner is a bit immature without realistic expectations of stepping into role of step mom.
Talk it out , figure out YOUR boundaries..cause her threats of “leaving” and complaining to you instead of slowly figuring out a healthy interaction with each child …IS / WILL BE a never ending stressor.

[powerpuff 5,890]

As someone who also came to the US having no family here and living in a household with my husband’s family, it can be tough and isolating at times to be home all the time and be expected to interact with everyone. I really enjoyed getting out of the house, maybe try having family activities and fun things to do as a group outside of the house? Maybe dinners out, picnics, movies, bowling, things like that. 
 

[jackiegringa 347]

1 hour ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

In the rush of all of it...apparently, I didn't let my older two kids know that she was coming that weekend. My youngest (who I am closest with) knew. My kids were with their mom that weekend...so they didn't officially come back home until a couple of days after my fiancé was there

I second the recommendation of family therapy. This is a big transition for all parts and having a qualified neutral party help navigate it seems appropriate since there have been issues already. It's not gonna change if the family keeps avoiding each other in their rooms unfortunately. 

 

As for the quoted part - things can get very chaotic with immigration but your kids already feel like you're being "taken" by someone else so I can see why they would react poorly to the surprise of having your fiance in the house unannounced even if they had an idea she was coming. What is done is done but this could have been handled better if they knew the date/time and maybe you had prepared a welcome home/intro little thing where they could warm up to each other a bit since they were about to live together. It is a big change for teens to deal during a tumultuous time in their lives! You and your fiance will have to be the ones with extra patience and effort to make this work.

[Daphne . 1,665]

I think everybody is still trying to get used to the situation, it is a big change for everyone. I can only imagine the tension in the house..

 

Also, 'tampo' might play a part here as well? Have you seen more behavior like that? You mention that she has threatened to leave before and also did it when you were visiting with the kids, that is not a safe feeling for the kids, why would they feel like they have to build a relationship with somebody who shows this type of behavior? 

[Ontarkie 13,913]

How old are the kids? Seems like the older  two are teens by being able to come and go.

 

 

 

My husband took on my 4 kids as a step father. ages 8,10, 12, 14 when we met. 10, 12, 14 and 16 when we finally moved to the US. There were some ups and downs, but it was pretty easy transition mostly. The biggest thing here is she is not their mother and needs to let you handle the parenting role. The kids and her have only been together for a really short time. Their relationship will sort it out if and that is a big IF she puts the effort into it. If she is hiding out how can they even start to get to know each other. I know very well how much teens and preteens like to hide in their rooms. This is where you need to step in and explain to her that is just their normal routine. Ask her what her expectations are? Find out why she is in her room, I doubt your youngest and her are jealous of the other over your attention. The newness has worn off and they are living their normal lives as they did previously. 

 

If you want the kids and your fiancé to work things out YOU are the one who needs to make it happen. You are the one who needs to bridge the gap, you are the parent in the picture. The kids are being respectful to her, but they did just have their whole world turned upside down with no warning. Give them all time. If there is nothing else screaming red flags at you. Then I would continue on with the wedding, your fiancé is also dealing with her world being upside down, and culture shock is so very real. Throw in three kids and a whole different parenting style she is probably not familiar with and bam. Stressed out fiancé. 

 

Now here is a way you can get the ball rolling. Get the fiancé to recruit the kids into the wedding plans.

You start getting the kids to pick things you all can do as a family that your fiancé may like to see/do or eat. Things will not just happen over night but little steps won't happen if you don't make the effort. 

Edited May 31, 2023 by Ontarkie

[Kawika & Michelle 108]

15 minutes ago, jackiegringa said:

As for the quoted part - things can get very chaotic with immigration but your kids already feel like you're being "taken" by someone else so I can see why they would react poorly to the surprise of having your fiance in the house unannounced even if they had an idea she was coming. What is done is done but this could have been handled better if they knew the date/time and maybe you had prepared a welcome home/intro little thing where they could warm up to each other a bit since they were about to live together. It is a big change for teens to deal during a tumultuous time in their lives! You and your fiance will have to be the ones with extra patience and effort to make this work.

 

In retrospect, it definitely could have been handled differently...but just like you said...it's water under the bridge now & what's done cannot be undone. She has been nothing but a blessing in their lives & has lightened the load for them considerably. They were all out of town visiting their mom for the weekend...and with how everything just fell into place...it was definitely an oversight on my part...but it's not like we hadn't spent 10 days together over Spring Break just 2 months prior. If they had brought up legitimate issues or I had noticed anything concerning...we would not be where we are today. I think the primary issue is that my fiancé is highly emotional & I guess she never full prepared herself for the reality that step parenting can be...especially initially. Patience has never been her strong suit.

[Rocio0010 5,562]

Stepmom here to a nine year old boy. 
Definitely things should/ could have been handled differently from the start, especially with regards to the kids. But on the other hand, she’s an adult and she knew what she was getting into. And she should be acting like the adult she is now.

I know people are going to tell me she might be in cultural shock and whatnot and again, I do understand that, but she’s the adult and hopefully she knows how to manage big emotions. Kids don’t. You’re the father and should protect and advocate for them. 

[Kawika & Michelle 108]

27 minutes ago, powerpuff said:

As someone who also came to the US having no family here and living in a household with my husband’s family, it can be tough and isolating at times to be home all the time and be expected to interact with everyone. I really enjoyed getting out of the house, maybe try having family activities and fun things to do as a group outside of the house? Maybe dinners out, picnics, movies, bowling, things like that. 

 

I'm definitely suggesting a lot of these things. I'm just at work for the most part during the day...so by the time I get home...we have barely enough time for dinner and maybe spending a decent 30-60 mins together before beds start calling for most of them. Add in shared time with their mom & the expenses of a wedding & other things and it gets to be hard to make it all work. I've suggested they walk to the area parks, ride bikes to our community pool, etc. just to get out of the house. When I am able to work from home, I am happy to take them somewhere as well. I know all of this will take time. She just has to be willing to do what it takes to make it work for all of us.

 

19 minutes ago, Daphne . said:

Also, 'tampo' might play a part here as well? Have you seen more behavior like that? You mention that she has threatened to leave before and also did it when you were visiting with the kids, that is not a safe feeling for the kids, why would they feel like they have to build a relationship with somebody who shows this type of behavior? 

 

Tampo plays a very big part of it...but I've told her many times before that it doesn't work on me. All it does is end up making her isolate herself and then she eventually apologizes. We literally almost ended everything because I had the audacity to make myself a box of Macaroni & Cheese in between lunch & dinner and did not ask her if she wanted any or save her any. She never mentioned that she wanted any and she also had just went in to the room to pout about how she felt the kids were ignoring her. I was busy working from home & just let her be. She saw me cooking it...but in her mind she assumed that I was either making it for the both of us or that I should have asked her if she wanted some. I totally understand her position...but not to take it to the point where you want to end our relationship over it. Simply explaining the situation to me would have been more than sufficient & we could have both learned from one another without the need for all of the extra drama. As far as the kids seeing these things...outside of her doing it during our visit to the Philippines...they have not been aware of any issues since she's been here. I suppose they do notice when she isolates herself in our bedroom versus when she is out in the living room with me as my son has asked before when he sees me alone on the couch.

 

24 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

How old are the kids? Seems like the older  two are teens by being able to come and go.

 

Yep. 17, 15 & 8. 

 

26 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

My husband took on my 4 kids as a step father. ages 8,10, 12, 14 when we met. 10, 12, 14 and 16 when we finally moved to the US. There were some ups and downs, but it was pretty easy transition mostly. The biggest thing here is she is not their mother and needs to let you handle the parenting role. The kids and her have only been together for a really short time. Their relationship will sort it out if and that is a big IF she puts the effort into it. If she is hiding out how can they even start to get to know each other. I know very well how much teens and preteens like to hide in their rooms. This is where you need to step in and explain to her that is just their normal routine. Ask her what her expectations are? Find out why she is in her room, I doubt your youngest and her are jealous of the other over your attention. The newness has worn off and they are living their normal lives as they did previously. 

 

I have certainly taken the time to explain to her that kids these days are largely on their own...especially when devices are involved. I tried to keep that to a minimum & relatively controlled but my ex blew that out of the water a couple of years ago when she got all of them their own phones to use as they please. I definitely don't ask her to mother them or expect her to. I expect her to be an adult in the household when I am not there & just make sure everyone is safe. I've explained to my kids that I have no expectations for them to say I love you to her or call her mom or anything like that. For now we simply go by Ms. FirstName. Their mom allows them to call her boyfriend by his first name alone but both my fiancé & I find that to be a little too disrespectful. I have spoken to her about what her expectations are...and I just think that culturally most kids in the Philippines are just taught to be far more respectful than most kids are taught to be today. 

As far as the jealousy goes...it is real. For awhile I thought it was only a one sided thing with my fiancé being jealous of my youngest daughter...but when I spoke with my youngest daughter about things earlier today since she has been distancing herself from my fiancé lately...she finally told me that she wanted things to go back to normal. And when I pressed her to explain what that meant...she basically admitted that she wanted it to go back to when it was basically just she & I.

 

I've basically raised my youngest from the time she was 6 months old until today. I was still married when she was born & after I was laid off...I decided to stay home to be able to raise her for at least 6 months or so...but that ended up turning into much longer & led to our eventual divorce...but from 2015...I was her primary caregiver. I was lucky enough to be able to work from home up until just recently (December 2022) which was another transition for all of us. So as you can imagine...my youngest & I have been super close all of her life.

 

I tried to explain to her that I have enough love for the both of them. And nothing needs to change in terms of our relationship or closeness...but she can't expect me to be alone for the rest of my life. I told her that in the end...the person that is getting hurt the most in all of this is me. She's seen her mom go through her parade of boyfriends over the last 4 years...so this isn't the first time she's seen one of her parents with someone else...but it is the first time she's seen me with someone else. I was careful to never just date randomly & I even took my time to introduce my kids to my fiancé for their protection as well. My fiancé also regularly tells me that she knows my daughter is my #1 priority and that she is #2. I try to explain to her that the love I have for my daughter is different than the love I have for her as my future wife. They don't need to be competing for my attention as if I only have so many hugs or kisses to give out each day. 

 

43 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

Now here is a way you can get the ball rolling. Get the fiancé to recruit the kids into the wedding plans.

You start getting the kids to pick things you all can do as a family that your fiancé may like to see/do or eat. Things will not just happen over night but little steps won't happen if you don't make the effort. 

 

We got them involved shortly after the meeting over Spring Break. Both girls have taken the time to pick their dresses they wanted to wear, etc. We definitely need to find more time to do things together as a family...but that has been a challenge when the kids have primarily been with their mom for the last few weekends. This is the first weekend since my fiancé got here that they will not be with their mom...and that is only the case because their mom is helping one of her friends move or something. So we get them for the next three weekends in a row before not seeing them again until one weekend in July (she gets them for all of July as the non-custodial parent except for one weekend). 

 

I've already reached out to my kids again this morning (we've spoken about this before during the first week after she got here) and explained the situation once more and how their isolation is causing my fiancé to feel. The older two claim to like her. What I was not expecting is how my youngest has reacted. She had often complained to her mom that the only thing they were missing at my house was a mommy...and she & my fiancé always got along over video calls & over Spring Break. When my fiancé pulled one of her I'm leaving moments...I was actually ready to let her walk away but when my youngest found out that she had left (she physically packed up her luggage and walked to the front desk area at the resort we were at to go home)...she screamed no...and was crying as she ran down the road to stop her from leaving. I guess their relationship changed once my fiancé arrived here & the dynamic changed in some way. I'm no less or more affectionate with any of them than I have ever been...so I'm not sure what triggered my daughter's response to all of this. My only thought is that my fiancé's jealousy was likely felt by my youngest & caused my youngest to change how she felt about her as well. 

[SalishSea 16,769]

2 hours ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

Hey Folks...

 

So I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this topic...but I'm sure the moderators will move it to the right place if it isn't. For those who aren't familiar with my situation, I have been in an LDR with a Filipina since June of 2020. Our first meeting was in Costa Rica in August of 2021 (thanks COVID). We started our K1 process shortly thereafter (October 2021). I was blessed enough to be able to visit her in the Philippines 3 times in 2022 since then including a 30 day stay in July of 2022. My last trip included my three children (17, 15 & 8 ) in March of 2023. That was the first time my children got to officially meet her. Prior to that my youngest had been in some video calls with us & my other two had maybe a 1-2 time video call to kind of just say hello. The meeting was a little up & down. Everyone seemed to get alone fine...and she seemed to especially connect with my youngest. The main issue was there was a few moments of misunderstanding where she threatened to leave (like she always does)...but this time she did it a couple of times where my kids became aware of her behavior. I'm not sure how that may have changed their perspective on her for better or for worse.

 

Fast forward to today...we finally finished the process & my fiancé joined us here in Texas on May 12th. For those who followed our story...it was a near miracle that she was able to pull it off & all of the puzzle pieces fell in to place to allow her to make it here. I wasn't even sure that she would be here & felt that we probably would need to postpone it for a week or two. In the rush of all of it...apparently, I didn't let my older two kids know that she was coming that weekend. My youngest (who I am closest with) knew. My kids were with their mom that weekend...so they didn't officially come back home until a couple of days after my fiancé was there. My youngest was excited to see her & gave her a hug. The older two hid out in their rooms & basically freaked out over the fact that "they were not told that this woman would be in their home". 

 

Since then we've had a series of ups & downs as a couple...as I'm sure most have experienced at first. There were no real issues with my kids other than my kids being considered disrespectful to my fiancé since they largely kept to themselves (like they always do) with my son playing his computer games & my oldest daughter coming & going with her friends. My youngest was still around and interacting with the both of us. Fast forward to today...and basically our house basically has all three kids primarily hanging out in their rooms (which is relatively normal) and my fiancé also hunkering down in our bedroom. I've told my fiancé that she needs to be more present and hang out in the living room if she wants to be able to develop any kind of relationship with my kids during the few moments that the opportunity arises. That's how I had been handling things prior to her arrival. I'd do my best to be in the living room area at least until 9 pm when my youngest would normally head to bed. This would give all of my kids access to me if they chose to interact with me or not. 

 

While my oldest have somewhat warmed up to her presence...my son will "warmly smile" at her when he sees her (his words)...and my oldest daughter will greet her when they see one another...my youngest has now started to ignore her as I think she & my fiancé feel as if they are competing for my time & affection. As a result...what has been happening is that around dinner time...my fiancé will once again isolate herself in our bedroom while I am out in the living room spending time with my youngest. Once my youngest goes to bed, then I will go into the bedroom. It just feels like a weird situation for all of us. 

 

My fiancé has expressed to me that she doesn't feel welcome in our home...largely because of how my kids are. She felt that she initially had the support of my youngest...but that has since changed as I believe they are both jealous of one another & feel threatened that they are going to lose time with me. I try to reassure them both that I have more than enough love & affection for both of them. I knew that being a step parent would be hard for anyone...but I also thought that if you willingly stepped into that role that you would need to be willing to accept that you would need to be willing to simply love those kids regardless of how they treated you in return. Kill them with kindness. 

 

Our wedding is supposed to be in less than two weeks...and I am sitting here wondering if having a wedding is a smart thing to do at this point. I feel like I am literally sitting between two high school girls fighting for my attention...as if my love & affection has limits and I can't love them both as my future wife & my daughter. 

 

Any insight, guidance or past experience would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks...

 

Kawika

Doesn’t sound like an immigration issue.

 

 

Is your fiancé new to the world of teenagers?   Has she ever spent any measurable time around kids in that age group?   Sounds like you could have done better to facilitate things by being honest with the kids about the timeline and what to expect.

 

Just curious, is your fiancé close to the age of the older kids?

 

 

[SalishSea 16,769]

1 hour ago, Daphne . said:

I think everybody is still trying to get used to the situation, it is a big change for everyone. I can only imagine the tension in the house..

 

Also, 'tampo' might play a part here as well? Have you seen more behavior like that? You mention that she has threatened to leave before and also did it when you were visiting with the kids, that is not a safe feeling for the kids, why would they feel like they have to build a relationship with somebody who shows this type of behavior? 

Totally agree about the threatening to leave part.   That is not a stable home environment for kids.  OP, it’s your responsibility to intervene here.

[Ontarkie 13,913]

42 minutes ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

 

Yep. 17, 15 & 8. 

 

 

I have certainly taken the time to explain to her that kids these days are largely on their own...especially when devices are involved. I tried to keep that to a minimum & relatively controlled but my ex blew that out of the water a couple of years ago when she got all of them their own phones to use as they please. I definitely don't ask her to mother them or expect her to. I expect her to be an adult in the household when I am not there & just make sure everyone is safe. I've explained to my kids that I have no expectations for them to say I love you to her or call her mom or anything like that. For now we simply go by Ms. FirstName. Their mom allows them to call her boyfriend by his first name alone but both my fiancé & I find that to be a little too disrespectful. I have spoken to her about what her expectations are...and I just think that culturally most kids in the Philippines are just taught to be far more respectful than most kids are taught to be today. 

As far as the jealousy goes...it is real. For awhile I thought it was only a one sided thing with my fiancé being jealous of my youngest daughter...but when I spoke with my youngest daughter about things earlier today since she has been distancing herself from my fiancé lately...she finally told me that she wanted things to go back to normal. And when I pressed her to explain what that meant...she basically admitted that she wanted it to go back to when it was basically just she & I.

 

I've basically raised my youngest from the time she was 6 months old until today. I was still married when she was born & after I was laid off...I decided to stay home to be able to raise her for at least 6 months or so...but that ended up turning into much longer & led to our eventual divorce...but from 2015...I was her primary caregiver. I was lucky enough to be able to work from home up until just recently (December 2022) which was another transition for all of us. So as you can imagine...my youngest & I have been super close all of her life.

 

I tried to explain to her that I have enough love for the both of them. And nothing needs to change in terms of our relationship or closeness...but she can't expect me to be alone for the rest of my life. I told her that in the end...the person that is getting hurt the most in all of this is me. She's seen her mom go through her parade of boyfriends over the last 4 years...so this isn't the first time she's seen one of her parents with someone else...but it is the first time she's seen me with someone else. I was careful to never just date randomly & I even took my time to introduce my kids to my fiancé for their protection as well. My fiancé also regularly tells me that she knows my daughter is my #1 priority and that she is #2. I try to explain to her that the love I have for my daughter is different than the love I have for her as my future wife. They don't need to be competing for my attention as if I only have so many hugs or kisses to give out each day. 

 

 

We got them involved shortly after the meeting over Spring Break. Both girls have taken the time to pick their dresses they wanted to wear, etc. We definitely need to find more time to do things together as a family...but that has been a challenge when the kids have primarily been with their mom for the last few weekends. This is the first weekend since my fiancé got here that they will not be with their mom...and that is only the case because their mom is helping one of her friends move or something. So we get them for the next three weekends in a row before not seeing them again until one weekend in July (she gets them for all of July as the non-custodial parent except for one weekend). 

 

I've already reached out to my kids again this morning (we've spoken about this before during the first week after she got here) and explained the situation once more and how their isolation is causing my fiancé to feel. The older two claim to like her. What I was not expecting is how my youngest has reacted. She had often complained to her mom that the only thing they were missing at my house was a mommy...and she & my fiancé always got along over video calls & over Spring Break. When my fiancé pulled one of her I'm leaving moments...I was actually ready to let her walk away but when my youngest found out that she had left (she physically packed up her luggage and walked to the front desk area at the resort we were at to go home)...she screamed no...and was crying as she ran down the road to stop her from leaving. I guess their relationship changed once my fiancé arrived here & the dynamic changed in some way. I'm no less or more affectionate with any of them than I have ever been...so I'm not sure what triggered my daughter's response to all of this. My only thought is that my fiancé's jealousy was likely felt by my youngest & caused my youngest to change how she felt about her as well. 

Ah yes those are wonderful ages

 

The 8 yr old I can see having some issues sharing you. Of course now that the newness has worn off she wants life as it was. You're going to have to go the extra mile with the youngest. I know you're spread thin as it is but you will find a way. It seems pretty common with some from the PI to have more issues with children from a previous marriage then others. 

I'm hate the Ms First name bull as I do not see it as a respect thing. Its a power/control thing. Respect is earned it is not a given.  That is another difference between me and some of these southerners. I'm in Arkansas and boy oh boy the culture shock.  Do they call all of your  friends by Ms/Mr Name? If so then no big deal but if it is just your fiancé and just now then ya that's another wedge.  My four have always called their step dad by his first name. It's not a lack of respect it is his name. They also use all my friends first names. Again if this is not new in your life then no big deal,  if it is then ya another wedge. Do you expect them to call her Mrs first name once you're married? I have never seen a family where the step mom goes by Ms/Mrs that is just weird. 

 

I will not touch what the culture of the PI is as I have no clue. But from the little bit here and there I read I call bull of kids there being more respectful. Your fiancé has already shown her lack of respect with her temper tantrums to get her way. So how would kids being raised to act like that be better behaved then US kids. Ok ya I guess I did touch the culture thing. Backing off now 😛 

 

It's good you took your time with introducing the kids, you did good there. I was the same way. They just need time, it's just been such a short time for them it will work out. Just make that extra effort to include everyone. We were lucky here that they had a $1 theater. We went often was a great way to spoil the kids (we barely went to movies previously) and not spend a ton of money. They will all come together with time, the youngest needs to feel secure she is not losing you. Go out of your way, to make sure she knows, but at the same time don't make your fiancé feel like a third wheel. It is hard and you will make mistakes but just keep trying and you can get through it. I agree it is most likely your fiancé's reactions that trigger your youngest to feel insecure. Plenty of hugs and love you to her will help too.

[Kawika & Michelle 108]

7 minutes ago, SalishSea said:

Is your fiancé new to the world of teenagers?   Has she ever spent any measurable time around kids in that age group?   Sounds like you could have done better to facilitate things by being honest with the kids about the timeline and what to expect.

 

Just curious, is your fiancé close to the age of the older kids?

 

Just like most Filipinos...she has tons of family who are teenagers or younger aged children. Her two children are 4 & 11. All of my kids knew the general timeline of when she might be there just not the specific day as that specific day was up in the air for a long period of time. They knew when her interview happened...when she was given the approval...when we tentatively hoped that she could be with us...but ultimately, I never officially said...hey kids...she's going to be here on this day. As I had stated before...even I was in doubt that she was going to be able to leave when she did. The day before she still had not received her passport or visa (it was lost in the mail), she had not had a chance to get her CFO sticker, etc. She literally went down to the courier office and had to have them search for the package even though she had spoken to them the night before to have them hold the package there for her to pick up. While the CFO sticker had been phased out as of May 1st, I knew that the immigration officer at the airport likely was clueless and would ultimately make the decision as to whether she would be allowed to travel or not. By the time she was finally on her way from Cebu, it was roughly 1 am in the morning our time. When I woke up in the morning to get my youngest to school...I let her know but by then my oldest two had already left for school. Could I have messaged them...sure...should I have...sure. I spoke with my fiancé while she was in Taiwan...but prior to boarding time...she went silent, and we had no communication again until roughly an hour after her flight landed. So for a good while I even stood at the airport waiting and wondering if she was even in the US...was she stuck in immigration...did she even get on the plane in Taiwan, etc...all a moot point in relation to this topic.

 

As far as ages go...as I've stated above my kids are 17, 15 & 8...my fiancé is 31...turning 32 later this year. She's only a couple of years younger than my ex-wife & the mother of my children...so I don't think my fiancé's age has anything to do with how my kids see her. I knew better than to bring in a 20 year old into my life...let alone to the US.

 

 

4 minutes ago, SalishSea said:

Totally agree about the threatening to leave part.   That is not a stable home environment for kids.  OP, it’s your responsibility to intervene here.

 

I've always intervened. Every time she's done that in the past I do my best to explain to her how much damage it does to our relationship and is akin to basically taking our relationship from wherever it was...all the way back to step one. I've also reiterated to her time & time again that for me...marriage is forever...so short of her sleeping around or giving me another Biblical reason for divorce...I will never divorce her. It doesn't create a healthy environment when you can't trust your partner to be there. And like I said...when she did that in front of my kids...I was fully prepared to let her walk away. My youngest daughter is what ultimately saved the relationship there.