Husband wont let me work, what can I do?

[belinda63 2,981]

From the spouse's point of view, he comes home from work, has to take the wife to work, care for the kids, stay up until 11 or midnight to wake the kids up to pick up mom. Then he has to get up at what 6 maybe 7 to go to his job. I can understand his frustration.

1. Never, ever leave a child under 12 home alone. This is a crime and dangerous.

2. Try to work out a compromise. Bike, Uber, quit the job until you get your license, etc. 

3. I this is the only major issue in the marriage both partied need to discuss it and work out a solution. I think the people who are speaking of abuse are a little to quick on the draw. I can see if I were sleep deprived being a bit short with the spouse. Not justifying just saying I can understand.

[SunflowerSweet 1,321]

There are of course multiple sides to every story, but unless the OP is blatantly lying, BOTH her and her husband are currently working and sharing childcare responsibility while the other one is at their job. I don’t know the specific hours they are clocking, but that sounds like it could be an even split.
 

If the husband is the one getting stressed with the arrangement, maybe he should be the one to think about cutting his work hours down, or look into work from home jobs if he can’t hack it.

[Boiler 43,451]

2 minutes ago, MorganandMichael said:

There are of course multiple sides to every story, but unless the OP is blatantly lying, BOTH her and her husband are currently working and sharing childcare responsibility while the other one is at their job. I don’t know the specific hours they are clocking, but that sounds like it could be an even split.
 

If the husband is the one getting stressed with the arrangement, maybe he should be the one to think about cutting his work hours down, or look into work from home jobs if he can’t hack it.

How would they pay the mortgage etc?

[Adventine 3,187]

OP needs a family counselor and a creative solution to their work/childcare arrangements that does not involve constantly interrupting the family's sleeping/work schedules. It can be done but both OP and her husband need to calm down and tackle this calmly.

[laylalex 7,247]

OP,  my ex asked me to stop working before we even got married. I told him I'd think about it. After we got married, he turned the screws down on me and I eventually went part time, then not any work at all for years. This was supposed to be so we could focus on starting a family. It wasn't what I wanted, but I did it because I was his wife, and I hadn't actually ever said no, I want this, I want to keep my job and we can work having kids around that. I thought/he convinced me I had lied to him and tricked him. When I got out of the marriage -- which I am not saying is what will happen to you -- I didn't have a good sense of who I was anymore because I was so used to doing what he wanted to keep the peace. I also found it impossible to get back on the career ladder in my old line of work -- I was too old and experienced for the very junior roles, and too inexperienced for the kind of roles that would have been the next step for me if I'd stayed working. I had to completely start over from scratch doing something else (which I actually really enjoy), and now that's on hold because of COVID. 

 

You can prioritize your family life AND your career. It takes a lot of balance and a lot of communication. If you have a partner who isn't willing to do either, you have a problem. Best of wishes to you.

[Genski92 93]

Me myself really really want to work but my husband would never let me work. I understand his reason.

As a mother and wife we have responsibility to our kids and our husband if we must work because of the bills we need to pay i think the best thing to do is talk to our other half and time management.

Ranting here instead of talking about it to your husband is not helping the situation.

 

[Lemonslice 4,556]

5 hours ago, Sophie_ said:

Thank you all for your comments, right now he is not open to do counseling, or to send the kids to the daycare, not even me uber is an option for him...so yeah. I will try to hold on this job for as long as I can, since he agree to keep picking me up till I take my test.

So, basically, he does not want to compromise in any way.  Not ok with you working a different schedule, not ok with you working this schedule... that sounds a lot like not ok with you being out of the house.  You know him better than we do, so I am sure you will think about what is best for you and your family.   If you provide a more specific location, others might have transportation, or counselling, ideas to offer. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Lemonslice

[Genski92 93]

2 hours ago, MorganandMichael said:

 

If the husband is the one getting stressed with the arrangement, maybe he should be the one to think about cutting his work hours down, or look into work from home jobs if he can’t hack it.

That is if the OP's part time job is higher salary than her husband and she can pay for everything then why not?

[Daisy.Chain 317]

3 hours ago, belinda63 said:

From the spouse's point of view, he comes home from work, has to take the wife to work, care for the kids, stay up until 11 or midnight to wake the kids up to pick up mom. Then he has to get up at what 6 maybe 7 to go to his job. I can understand his frustration.

1. Never, ever leave a child under 12 home alone. This is a crime and dangerous.

2. Try to work out a compromise. Bike, Uber, quit the job until you get your license, etc. 

3. I this is the only major issue in the marriage both partied need to discuss it and work out a solution. I think the people who are speaking of abuse are a little to quick on the draw. I can see if I were sleep deprived being a bit short with the spouse. Not justifying just saying I can understand.

Leaving kids home alone is not a crime unless you're in one of the few states with that law in place. Even in those states, those laws are aimed toward abandonment-type of leaving kids alone, not stepping out for a few minutes. It's not dangerous either -certainly not more dangerous than driving in a car with am irritated parent!- with proper consideration to the circumstances.

 

It's a personal choice question. Her opinion and her husbands both have equal weight.

Edited November 26, 2020 by Daisy.Chain

[HRQX 4,145]

33 minutes ago, Daisy.Chain said:

Leaving kids home alone is not a crime unless you're in one of the few states with that law in place.

True, but most states don't provide specifics on what is considered "adequate supervision." Furthermore, some city and county ordinances within each state may have more definitive and restrictive laws.

[Sparkle Sparkle 913]

It's still a domestic issue... And should be handled as such... He has not threatened to divorce you or anything in regards to immigration... Don't let strangers advice you on your marriage. Marriage takes alot of work and if you must take advic5from strangers I would say let him cool off call him to a table and have a talk with him... Hear him out and hopefully he hears you out... Meet him half way same way I hope he meets you half way... If it cannot be resolved that way... Get a family member to talk to him even if it is over the phone... If that does not work them family counceling... Good luck 

[WaterLeaf 199]

OP, I see what is going on even though your Husband isn't getting enough sleep and he is tired of all heck. I usually recommend to have at least 8 hrs. of sleep everyday for a functional body to be able to get the work done, especially working 8 hrs. of shift or longer.

 

What you can do: Get on Facebook. Add some random locals, coworkers - not all lol, friends, etc. and join your local area group! Ask question or look around to see if the question was already asked. Uber isn't always an option if it's not working, there are Lyft, other taxi's that the people in your area can recommend, and so on! I had to call several taxi to make an arrangement for my Hubby so I can get him to work because I drive and he did not have a regular DL at the time, just a learner permit until he passed his driving test and got his DL. It took a while but it works. I had to put some money aside for him for the taxi, because some taxi do overcharge than what's supposed to be charge for because I call for a price ahead of time and once they overcharged I call them again and explain, etc. but you know how it goes. There isn't any busses here where I live, so that sucked. However my Hubby's job is close by so that was easy for him.

 

I do recommend writing down some abusive situation. Yelling out in front of kids, arguments, recordings if you have any, and for him trying to get you not to work. This is a real bad sign, no spouse would try to limit without an agreement. So again you can ask around on FB about best counseling that can help you out in your situation: Husband and wife - no agreement with arrangement with job and kids. It seem to be quite common and most of it goes unreported which end up in pretty bad result I think but Idk.

 

There are also a lot of work from home job posted online, you can look it up on Facebook for Virtual Work From Home and a lot of people should be able to help. Some company provide equipment, some don't. And if you don't feel safe about certain things, ask somebody!!! No job require you to pay ahead of time b4 you get your job, but there is a tiny exception in which I've found out but I'll let you dig out the rest. Hopefully if you can do this, you got power to stay at home and take care of the kids!

 

By all means, we should be able to help. Just keep trying, it take a bit of time going around to ask and trying to find out several things. You will get there, and when you do you'll be happy that you had done it sooner than later.

[Sarge2155 4,570]

18 hours ago, Pinkrlion said:

I would suggest finding a day job and then putting children in daycare.  Otherwise, look for work at home jobs.  He is stressed out due to working all day and then as a husband dealing with very young children alone.  Men are not smart when dealing with children.  We are Mama Bears.  It is not easy during COVID times.  

 

You can Google work at home jobs  

Really not good to generalize about men raising or dealing with children! I had no trouble and I was "smart enough" to raise and deal with my children!!!!!

[Ed&Midori1031 330]

20 hours ago, Sophie_ said:

Hi folks, I'm writing this post desperate for advice or some encouragement. 

I'm a k1 holder who is already married with my once fiance, I enter mid March and we send AOS in may for me and k2, I got my EAD last month and we are currently waiting for our interview.

We agree months before I would start working part time in the afternoons/nights once I recieve my combo card, he works morning till 4-5pm and since we share 2 kids it made sense this arrangement. I started working 3 weeks ago and since I'm waiting for my drivers license test (I have a permit which wont allow me to drive alone)he need to pick me up with the kids, yesterday night he told me he was tired of pick me up which I understand is late at night (10pm-11pm) but the complaint was more about how he was tired of waking up our oldest (6 years old) cause it was too hard and that we should leave him at home sleeping while he pick me up with our youngest (almost 2year old) I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of leaving him alone at home even tho he is sleeping and my job is fairly close home and that I could take an uber home so he wont have to pick me up with the kids,he keep insisting and I just started feeling some kind of way since our oldest is not biological his. Long story short I said I did not feel comfortable with leaving home alone and I didn't want to talk about the topic in that moment and he just started yelling at me an cussing me out in front our children, which sadly is not the first time, this continued thru the parking lot and even inside home when I was trying to put the kids in their beds, just yelling and cussing mocking me and how the work was done that there was no more work for me and that was it. 

If you read this far, thank you, now the question is, what do I do? I am financially dependent on him I dont know anybody in the CA but his family members and before you tell me to go back to my home country we share a child together I can not take our kid out of the country without his permission, I was just barely starting to work my driving test is in 2 weeks, my work shift starts in the afternoon and I dont know what to do cause he is working and wont talk to me, am I wrong for not waiting to leave my 6 year old at home alone? Am overreacting? 

I feel desperate, and deeply hurt. Any advice would be appreciated.

I dont see why your husband wouldn't want you to work in the first place, it would obviously be more to provide for your family.  I'm struggling being the only income with my family while trying to look for a job for my wife.  And sorry that he's treating you that way.  Hopefully he will come to his senses and make you feel more comfortable here, and give you the confidence and will to work!  

[Babu Frik 1,162]