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proudtobabritgirl

Constantly living in spouses past?

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I'm wondering if anyone has felt/is feeling the same as I am. 

Its almost 1 year since I moved to USA to live with my husband. It's taken me so long to feel at home and make my own path here. Ive been extremely up and down emotion wise. 

I constantly feel like I am living in my husband's past. It's all anyone ever talks about. I feel like my husband is reluctant to make new memories with me because he is so stuck in his past. It takes over the family and friends conversations. I've not been made to feel a part of it at all, I just kind of sit their. I try and join in, but I wasn't their at the time so what can I say really? I'm fighting this homesick feeling, but it's really hard to stop myself from just going back home 

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I suggest talking to your husband about how you feel. He could help by steering conversations in a different direction. If he knows how you feel hopefully he’ll understand and make adjustments.

hope it goes well for you 

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You should give your marriage a chance, but now is the time to approach him about it, and tell him just how you feel about things. Especially a painful divorce takes time to weed all the old stuff out, but if that's his problem, he needs to know about it in order to start fixing it, and he really needs to know just how much of an impact that old history makes on you. Consider professional counseling as well. All of these suggestions are made with the assumption that there is not physical abuse in the relationship, and that your life is not in danger (Of course, that's a different story).

 

You married each other for a reason, and very likely it was love. Sometimes love needs some work and patience to survive, then thrive. Don't be so quick to throw it away.

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2 hours ago, proudtobabritgirl said:

Its almost 1 year since I moved to USA to live with my husband. It's taken me so long to feel at home and make my own path here. Ive been extremely up and down emotion wise. 

It takes time, It took my almost 2 years to adjust. Getting a job helped me get past that feeling. Basically you also need to find ways to socialize outside with your husband.

 

2 hours ago, proudtobabritgirl said:

I constantly feel like I am living in my husband's past. It's all anyone ever talks about. I feel like my husband is reluctant to make new memories with me because he is so stuck in his past. It takes over the family and friends conversations. I've not been made to feel a part of it at all, I just kind of sit their. I try and join in, but I wasn't their at the time so what can I say really? I'm fighting this homesick feeling, but it's really hard to stop myself from just going back home 

It could be just that them making talk and not realizing how it is affecting you. you need to have a good one on one with your husband about it. Remember it probably took same toll as it did on you during the immigration process and the other peopke only had sight of him and not you

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My husband is going through a difficult adjustment to life in the USA and he has only been here three weeks today.  Every day is a challenge, he misses his family and friends a lot, then a few days ago his dog that he left behind in Brazil died.  I spent all weekend trying to comfort him.  He doesn't speak English very well, he left everything behind to be with me, and it is difficult to leave him at home during the day where he studies English and feels like a fish out of water while I'm at work worrying about him.  Patience and lots of talking with your spouse might help.  We're planning on a trip to Portland together in a few weeks, and we spend evenings and weekends together but it's still hard.  I've offered to take a trip back to Brazil for Christmas but he thinks that might make things worse to see everyone so soon.  He's studying for the test to get a driver's license so that he can drive and look for a job once his English improves a bit more.  There are times I feel lost as to how to help him, but we love each other so at the end of the day that's what really matters.  Some say that it takes about two years to adjust to life in a new country, so give it time, talk to your spouse about how you feel, spend as much time together as you can, focus on the good times and make more memories together.  Keep falling in love with each other every day, court each other, romance each other, cry on each other's shoulder.  Good luck!

Edited by carmel34

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OP, what do you mean by living in his past? Is this family and friends talking about old times they had together or about his life with an ex before you? If it's the former, tell him how it makes you feel left out. Then suggest making new friends together or to become better friends with one of the other couples that you click with.  If it's the latter, tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel talking about his ex. Either way, you need to talk to him. Frame it as, "when  blah, blah happens, I feel  . . . ", be careful not to sound like you are blaming him or he might not be willing to listen. 

 

It can be really hard when you're the "new kid on the block" but it's survivable. You said in your other thread you are in school now, make some friends, form a study group, join a campus organization. Find a Meet-up group that interests you. Don't just give up. 

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I know it can be a combination of your husband thinking his past was interesting and is interesting to you while at the same time you’re cut off from your past.

 

I would tell him plainly as you did here that you want a new life with him.  I think he isn’t aware and if you need counseling, it could probably make things a lot better for you.

 

You would be doing both of you a favor.  I think he won’t do it if he fully saw it from your perspective. I think communication would help a lot.  

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4 hours ago, carmel34 said:

My husband is going through a difficult adjustment to life in the USA and he has only been here three weeks today.  Every day is a challenge, he misses his family and friends a lot, then a few days ago his dog that he left behind in Brazil died.  I spent all weekend trying to comfort him.  He doesn't speak English very well, he left everything behind to be with me, and it is difficult to leave him at home during the day where he studies English and feels like a fish out of water while I'm at work worrying about him.  Patience and lots of talking with your spouse might help.  We're planning on a trip to Portland together in a few weeks, and we spend evenings and weekends together but it's still hard.  I've offered to take a trip back to Brazil for Christmas but he thinks that might make things worse to see everyone so soon.  He's studying for the test to get a driver's license so that he can drive and look for a job once his English improves a bit more.  There are times I feel lost as to how to help him, but we love each other so at the end of the day that's what really matters.  Some say that it takes about two years to adjust to life in a new country, so give it time, talk to your spouse about how you feel, spend as much time together as you can, focus on the good times and make more memories together.  Keep falling in love with each other every day, court each other, romance each other, cry on each other's shoulder.  Good luck!

My husband is the same, except now he has been in the US 19 months and it is still a struggle for him. These guys made HUGE commitments to us leaving their South American culture to come here for us.  We did go back to Argentina for Christmas, which was nice but it was tough for him to leave again. Make sure he is still talking to his family/friends back home. I work really hard to implement Argentinian traditions into our new life here together and I know he appreciates that we are keeping some of his culture here. He likes to teach me Spanish, so maybe your husband can teach you Portuguese if you don't already know it. Encourage him to cook traditional meals. We found a few Latin American markets which carried Argentinian products (and I've seen Brazilian products there as well). Just keep making sure his traditions are important, even if he is living in your world. It will get better with time...but I totally understand. 

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10 hours ago, proudtobabritgirl said:

I'm wondering if anyone has felt/is feeling the same as I am. 

Its almost 1 year since I moved to USA to live with my husband. It's taken me so long to feel at home and make my own path here. Ive been extremely up and down emotion wise. 

I constantly feel like I am living in my husband's past. It's all anyone ever talks about. I feel like my husband is reluctant to make new memories with me because he is so stuck in his past. It takes over the family and friends conversations. I've not been made to feel a part of it at all, I just kind of sit their. I try and join in, but I wasn't their at the time so what can I say really? I'm fighting this homesick feeling, but it's really hard to stop myself from just going back home 

 

You need to sit down with your husband and express how you feel. He is not a mind reader and there is nothing can destroy a relationship faster than unspoken expectations or thoughts. 

 

Have a one on one with your hubby and go from there. I wish you all the best.

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It is extremely difficult coming from the UK here with an unsupportive spouse. Not to easy unless your from the south of the UK as transitioning doesn’t seem as bad! I still get terribly homesick and dream about chips and gravy!

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I already spoke to my husband about it and he just said, what did I expect? Peoples pasts are part of their lives. 

I do get that. But at the same time like, I don't think he appreciates or even acknowledges that I moved here for him. 

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"through the thick and thin"

 

In life you are going to face many such situations which will test your individuality and leave you cornered alone . I know its going to sound easy said then done but these are the situations which if you power through will later down the line will become your relationship milestones . Being acknowledged and getting respect are basic human needs; when both lack, powering through such hardships is what builds a stronger tomorrow. Its good to vent and so beautiful to see that the community on this forum is so supportive. Try some social activity like cooking/sport/any hobby that starts to re-establish your own social worth and this will give you some current memories to share with your spouse , friends & family. This will give your spouse a signal that s/he might be missing out on chances to create such memories with you. I am no expert but felt sometimes words said are better than kept tp yourself.

 

 

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