An unhappy ending to a marriage

[Eric-Pris 1,602]

On 11/7/2021 at 9:18 PM, Jorgedig said:

I get tired reading story after story here on VJ, written by American men....   as if the women they bring over are commodities.   

it works both ways.

 

American men see foreign women as commodities 

Foreign women see American men as ATM's, means to an end (better life), and look to dump them as soon as they are legal and want to move to a higher tax bracket

[Eric-Pris 1,602]

This idea of marrying not just the person, but the whole family, is a concept that you hear for the Latino culture also.  I dealt with it before marriage.  My wife's family doesn't demand or expect any kind of regular payments because I discussed it with my wife before we got married.  It was a deal breaker for me.  I make good money but I was not going to support my deadbeat brothers in law or stepfather.  I had plans for us.  Yet, we do get occasional requests for money if something happens, but it's been about 15-20 times over 13 years of marriage. And we send for Christmas and birthdays but I will never allow myself to be seen as somebody's ATM, my wife or her family.

 

But the Philippines seem to take that concept 10 levels higher when they start talking about honor and "saving face".  The mistake you made was that you initially agreed to support the family, but you didn't stick to the agreed amount.  Once you gave in to more and more, you should have known that that was only the beginning.  They will never be satisfied.  $60k farm?  That's probably 4 or 5 farms for that price.

 

And the fact that your wife is not adult enough to say no to her family should tell you something else about your relationship.  She's not all-in.  Divorce and move on.  

[Mike E 11,726]

54 minutes ago, Eric-Pris said:

And the fact that your wife is not adult enough to say no to her family should tell you something else about your relationship.  She's not all-in.  Divorce and move on.  

The thing that struck me about the decision of OP’s wife’s family to order her to separate from her husband (OP) is what is the rationale / end game here?

 

OP is working and presumably paying most if not all of the bills. Now the wife is living separately and will have new bills to pay.  Doesn’t seem financially sensible for the wife or her family.  
 

Is the thinking that there will be a divorce and a big pay day from an asset split and alimony? Sorry folks but the wife and OP haven’t  been married long enough for there to a windfall for her. Or for that matter, a windfall for OP (given she works 88 hours a week, presumably grossing $8K a month … serious coin).  
 

Apparently OP’s wife’s family are unaware of how social security works, meaning that if she stays married for 10 years, her minimum social security benefit when she reaches retirement age will be 50 percent of OP’s. Granted she is in her 20s to early 30s still and won’t see this for 30 years but still. Sure her own earnings record might make this moot but I doubt she can sustain 88 hours of work per week for 30 years.  
 

So I am mystified by the command her family gave her.  Unless there is another ATM machine in the pipeline (and OP and the wife deny there is another romantic partner in the mix for the wife), financially this — supposedly financially  driven — decision makes zero sense.  

Edited November 15, 2021 by Mike E

[Boiler 43,704]

7 minutes ago, Mike E said:

The thing that struck me about the decision of OP’s wife’s family to order her to separate from her husband (OP) is what is the rationale / end game here?

 

OP is working and presumably paying most if not all of the bills. Now the wife is living separately and will have new bills to pay.  Doesn’t seem financially sensible for the wife or her family.  
 

Is the thinking that there will be a divorce and a big pay day from an asset split and alimony? Sorry folks but the wife and OP haven’t  been married long enough for there to a windfall for her. Or for that matter, a windfall for OP (given she works 88 hours a week, presumably grossing $8K a month … serious coin).  
 

Apparently OP’s wife’s family are unaware of how social security works, meaning that if she stays married for 10 years, her minimum social security benefit when she reaches retirement age will be 50 percent of OP’s. Granted she is in her 20s to early 30s still and won’t see this for 30 years but still. Sure her own earnings record might make this moot but I doubt she can sustain 88 hours of work per week for 30 years.  
 

So I am mystified by the command her family gave her.  Unless there is another ATM machine in the pipeline (and OP and the wife deny there is another romantic partner in the mix for the wife), financially this — supposedly financially  driven — decision makes zero sense.  

She is not on here and we can only speculate. Perhaps she does think she is in for a big pay day she has the I 864 potential. No way of knowing what her plans are.

[Timona 3,969]

I was not gonna type this. 

 

I just came across a post of a USC who married a foreigner and brought partner on CR-1. Partner came in, stayed 4 days and was soon out. 4 months later since arrival, partner is in the US Army. Why? I guess she already had this planned and knew that she will get fast-track to citizenship through army. All she needed was to get someone to bring her on CR-1/ IR-1. She never loved the poor guy. She knew the system better. I am sure she changed the address for GC delivery at POE. 

 

This was a new one for me. I was shocked. 

 

I suspect she started this Army application while abroad because she was able to join within her first 4 months in the US. I am sure basic training is like 2 months, at the very least. You never know whom you marry, foreigner or not. 

Edited November 15, 2021 by Timona

[Redro 4,601]

On 11/8/2021 at 2:33 AM, Balamban said:

My mistake, six years ago, was that I had told her that my “dream” was to have a mango farm on Bohol.  That dream and FaceBook has ended my marriage.  Of course, there’s more to that.  I’m an RN and ran into a situation at work where a nurse filed a complaint with the Board of Nursing, well, not “a” complaint, rather it was over 40 complaints.

 

The Board of Nursing turned it over to my state’s Attorney General’s Investigative Department (police) and the investigation took over two years.  For those two years, I was unable to work as an RN.  The outcome, not that long ago, all dismissed.  Innocent.  But here I was with no income for two years, and that’s equal to about 10 million pesos that I did not have.

 

Well, it seemed that long ago my soon to be ex-wife told the family about my dream farm.  It is clear that the family, extended family, neighborhood, compadres and all those in the town started waiting for the daughter who married the (rich) American to buy the farm.  But, nobody, and not my wife ever told me that they were waiting for “the farm.”  This expectation was never voiced, I had no clue that one hundred people were waiting for the happy announcement: “daughter has a mango farm for the family.”

 

Year one of our marriage, great, everybody was happy.  Year two, odd family demands, unsettling demands for more and more peso.  Originally, we sent 4k peso, then 6, 8, 10, then Covid hit and I sent 20k @ month, to help the siblings out—but nobody ever seemed happy.

 

 

 

 

 

5 hours ago, Mike E said:

The thing that struck me about the decision of OP’s wife’s family to order her to separate from her husband (OP) is what is the rationale / end game here?

 

OP is working and presumably paying most if not all of the bills. Now the wife is living separately and will have new bills to pay.  Doesn’t seem financially sensible for the wife or her family.  
 

Is the thinking that there will be a divorce and a big pay day from an asset split and alimony? Sorry folks but the wife and OP haven’t  been married long enough for there to a windfall for her. Or for that matter, a windfall for OP (given she works 88 hours a week, presumably grossing $8K a month … serious coin).  
 

Apparently OP’s wife’s family are unaware of how social security works, meaning that if she stays married for 10 years, her minimum social security benefit when she reaches retirement age will be 50 percent of OP’s. Granted she is in her 20s to early 30s still and won’t see this for 30 years but still. Sure her own earnings record might make this moot but I doubt she can sustain 88 hours of work per week for 30 years.  
 

So I am mystified by the command her family gave her.  Unless there is another ATM machine in the pipeline (and OP and the wife deny there is another romantic partner in the mix for the wife), financially this — supposedly financially  driven — decision makes zero sense.  

Has OP been working the past two years? It appears he lost his job. I'm not sure if that means he has to get a lower paying job OR his wife was the one supporting them. 

 

[chancecody 123]

21 hours ago, shell20 said:

I agree with you on some points, I  think I said that. We need to  take the country out of the equation, if you are in your 70s and you marry someone in their 20s, then there is something both people in that relationship want. Let's be 100 percent honest, everyone uses everyone to some degree, we all need something from each other. When we get down to the nitty gritty unless a 70 year old man is rich, famous, intelligent, what average 20 year old girl would be interested statistically?  I think if you look at my prior posts I have said exactly what you are saying. What I am trying to reiterate is it's not just the Philippines although they might be in the  majority, there are also  other high fraud countries. I am not blaming anyone though, I understand to some degree the reasoning behind it and if I was in that situation who knows what I would do.  However, as I keep trying to say in my posts without trying to be particularly unkind to anyone is that the OP shouldn't be surprised and I believe deep down if he did some soul searching the reality is they both used each other.

Well said. Many people here are very judgmental. Remove the country from the equation and stop painting everyone with the same paint brush. This happens to all countries. I am sure it happens in Canada as well where a young beautiful woman marries an older gentleman to get a better life or not have to work hard. This thread has gotten ugly with many VJ members attributing the OP’s spouse “culture” as culture of the 110M Filipino people. I can tell you that is not the case.

Edited November 16, 2021 by chancecody

[Unlockable 7,306]

*** Several posts removed for hijacking. Please do not hijack other members threads with side convos.

 

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[Dave Knapp 47]

Given that everybody loses in this scenario, it can only be the result of the wife not being honest with anyone, even herself.  Certainly she was in touch with her family, and was aware of what they were doing. She certainly didn't make her husband aware of this, and when it blows up in her face, she has no choice but to cut an run.  Frankly, as others have said, it would have never gotten better, only worse.  As for the old man young wife thing, everything is a negotiation.  Everybody is in it for something.  I'm 74, my wife is 33. She'll get everything when I die, but she seems to be enjoying the heck out of me being alive.  If she's faking, she should get an oscar.  I can't remember ever giving her or her family a centavo.  Not one.  They never asked. There are good ones out there, and with Filipinas, I think they like older men because they get what they need from them.  Emotional and financial security. Love and faithfulness.  Many Filipinos are married and have a girlfriend on the side.  I imagine the wives know it but are powerless to do anything about it that would make the life a mess. That's how it is here. They know that. IMHO.

[Mike V 56]

On 11/7/2021 at 6:19 PM, Balamban said:

I told my then fiancée, I wanted to have a mango farm on Bohol. 

Foreigners can't legally purchase or own land in the Philippines.  The "best" you can do is give them the money to buy their mango farm and then hope that you remain in the picture.

 

Thankfully my wife's extended Philippine family never asks for anything.  We contribute very occasionally to help with major events, e.g. funerals, but they've never asked.

 

Of the 3 adult step-children still there, two are in college (one in grad school) and progressing well.  It's a lot cheaper to put them through school there than here.

 

The 3rd one is becoming a bit of a bum, dropped out of college and is now trying to finagle his way to Canada on a student visa that is likely fraudulent.  I refused to be involved any further when I heard the details of what they were doing.  We should find out shortly if he will be studying in Canada, or if his visa application has been rejected with a ban on re-applying. 

[notantifun 196]

On 11/15/2021 at 7:16 AM, John007 said:

My advice if you meet woman from a third world country and plan to marry her.

- Do not support her financially during your relationship.  If you are, then you are giving him or her the wrong perception.

- Be honest with yourself.  If your age gap is 20+ and you don’t look like Brad Pitt then you should ask yourself why?  Then you decide if you still want to take the risk of being used.  If you do then you can only blame yourself.

- Don’t flaunt your money or spoil her with gifts.  Only spend money on gifts if its her birthday or anniversaries.  
 

Now if she still wants to be with you after this then you got yourself a good girl.  

 

 

I'm Filipina married to an American citizen. I will be naturalized before the end of this year. Fingers crossed. 

I hate how the OP seems to suggest that he has been an unsuspecting victim to this "Filipina culture". He knew this was coming. I'm not suggesting that he was not taken advantaged at all. As much as I hate being lumped with these Filipinas who take advantage of American men, marrying for green card/citizenship, I'll be naive to deny the overwhelming amount of cases like OPs. I effing hate the stereotype but they exist and will continue to exist, because reasons. BUT let's not also ignore that plenty of these American men marrying Filipinas have the upper hand in what is basically a financial transaction (Yeah, marriage is mainly a financial transaction. Fight me! LOL). No one held a gun to their heads demanding they remain ignorant of the downside of marrying someone from a 3rd world country. If you ever felt like you were taken advantaged of because the wife's family kept demanding money and you couldn't say no, that's not exactly a wife problem. Maybe grow a spine.

 

To any American men wanting to marry a Filipina, you cannot change the culture. BUT for the love of all that is holy, invest time to know the woman and her family. Also, IMO, not having a job is 1 giant red flag. An adult woman should have a job. If she insists on supporting her family, let her do so with her own money. And remember, NO is a complete sentence.

 

 

 

 

[John007 3]

1 hour ago, notantifun said:

I'm Filipina married to an American citizen. I will be naturalized before the end of this year. Fingers crossed. 

I hate how the OP seems to suggest that he has been an unsuspecting victim to this "Filipina culture". He knew this was coming. I'm not suggesting that he was not taken advantaged at all. As much as I hate being lumped with these Filipinas who take advantage of American men, marrying for green card/citizenship, I'll be naive to deny the overwhelming amount of cases like OPs. I effing hate the stereotype but they exist and will continue to exist, because reasons. BUT let's not also ignore that plenty of these American men marrying Filipinas have the upper hand in what is basically a financial transaction (Yeah, marriage is mainly a financial transaction. Fight me! LOL). No one held a gun to their heads demanding they remain ignorant of the downside of marrying someone from a 3rd world country. If you ever felt like you were taken advantaged of because the wife's family kept demanding money and you couldn't say no, that's not exactly a wife problem. Maybe grow a spine.

 

To any American men wanting to marry a Filipina, you cannot change the culture. BUT for the love of all that is holy, invest time to know the woman and her family. Also, IMO, not having a job is 1 giant red flag. An adult woman should have a job. If she insists on supporting her family, let her do so with her own money. And remember, NO is a complete sentence.

 

 

 

 

Amen sister!  At the end of the day they are both adults.  Both have risk that they are taking so if it all goes down to , I would blame both of them.  I’m 44 Filipino and just filed an I129F to bring my fiancé here.  My fiancé is only 26 and very beautiful.  I did my research and her family although not rich are well off to support themselves.  Also family never once in our two years ask for money or talk about financial support.  All they want is I take good care of her.  I never sent money to my fiancé nor she ever asked me for money.  That would turn me off of course and I told her that from the very beginning.  In fact she probably spent more in gifts than me.  Not bragging I’m just saying be aware of little things that can give you hints if she loves you or she’s in for that green card or money.  I’m not saying we’ll workout, but I’m sure she’s in it for the long run. 

[B_J 2,752]

I'll go ahead and join this conversation.  

 

My wife and I send money back every month.  The amount we send would probably shock some people but it is what we choose to do.  Some people decide to send money back and some don't, I don't think there is any one way that things must be done.  With that in mind, here is what my wife and I have decided:  1.  We make the decision together on what we do  2.  We decide how much we send, nobody else, just us  3.  Our generosity will not be abused and we will not be taken advantage of.

 

We are also very blessed that her family never asks for extra, unless there is an emergency.  They also look out for us when acquaintances and distant relatives want something.  We usually don't find out that others are asking for money; our family tends to act as a buffer for us.

 

It is interesting that so many of us admire certain qualities in the Filipino culture.  Many of us find the love of family to be a positive trait yet we are surprised when these situations occur.  Love of family doesn't end when someone marries an American.  It is possible to love your spouse and still love your family back home.  The difficulty is finding the balance in this.

 

My only advice would be for couples to talk about financial issues early in the relationship and to work together to find a solution that works for both of them.    

[Boiler 43,704]

1 minute ago, laylalex said:

How would you do this though? (I mean, putting aside the generalizations about people from the Philippines.) It's generally good advice that people should really know each other before getting married, and ideally before even agreeing to get married. The stories I see on here where there's a scam (as opposed to just a relationship that doesn't turn out to be as great as the spouses expected) seem to have a common theme where people led with their hearts and not their heads, dismissed red flags, rushed things or forced things, and assumed that love was going to be enough. Love isn't enough, even without red flags. 

Something to bear in mind is that historically and in a large area of the world currently marriage is more transactional, obviously exceptions both ways.

 

There is a reason that the largest number of K1's are processed through PI, from what I can gather there is nowhere close, and most we see here anyway seem to have very little time together,  now we can make assumptions as to why that is but there is little doubt that is how it is.

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