An unhappy ending to a marriage

[Balamban 113]

20 minutes ago, Kor2USA said:

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. 

 

Do you plan on attending an interview (if it happens) if you are not divorced when the time comes?

 

 

As you still love your wife, if you are divorced when she is called for an interview, you can write a letter stating you had a bonafide relationship but unfortunately the marriage ended due to irreconcilable differences. This could strengthen her case.

 

 

Thank you.  If asked, I would attend and I would point out that for 3 years it was a truly wonderful bonafide relationship.  The irreconcilable differences are real, I want to stay, the family says I must go, the wife gives priority to the family.  End of story.

[Timona 3,948]

@Balamban

I feel you. There are a lot of people out here who's family control their marriages and those partners unfortunately, side with their families. You're not alone. Take it a day a time.  

[tinaynoodles 12]

4 hours ago, Balamban said:

There's a saying in the Philippines "I'm gonna marry the 4 M's, matandang (old), mayaman (rich), madaling (quick) mamatay( to die)" so that's really does say a lot."

As a filipina, if your soon to be ex-wife is from a "not-so-well-off" family then she will most definitely be treated as an unlimited bank account to withdraw from. For some reason, there is a mentality here that once you are able to go abroad you poop money. Please don't generalize though, I am 100% confident that my immediate family will not do that to me. As for my other relatives, they can think whatever they want lol 🤭

 

5 hours ago, Balamban said:

The tragedy is that clearly my wife does not want to end the marriage but when pushed a bit she confessed: "Yes, I must do what the family demands.

I really hope you can make amends with your wife... but it seems that her family is too toxic for this relationship to go on. Also if she truly wants to be with you, she will stay and show some backbone. Filipinas are rather strong people who will go through any means to get what they truly want. I think her family is trying to manipulate (they are definitely manipulators) the situation telling her something along the lines of "You should attempt to scare him with a divorce, if he truly loves you he will buy that mango farm... what is $60,000?" 

 

7 hours ago, Balamban said:

 

In the Philippines, and any Filipino(a) here, please correct me if I'm wrong, is not a put-down.  Many women say "I"m a simple person, and it means that I'm not high-so.  

Its not exactly a put down but it kinda sounded like you are generalizing that Filipina = simple. 😄

[Redro 4,601]

8 hours ago, African Zealot said:

Yes she’s a nice woman etc etc but let’s get real, you lost your job for TWO years. Most Americans will crash if they lose a paycheck or two. So I would expect a loving wife (even from a demanding Philippines family) to realize it is her husband who needs compassion and support at this time, not the mooching family.

 

If you were plain stingy and had the means but refused, it would be a different thing. But you were actually remitting them while unemployed and she has the heart to abandon you (granted your Facebook move was dumb) at your lowest point?
 

I hate divorce however in my opinion you’re better off. If you’re going to abandon me at rock bottom, I sure can do without you. I don’t want someone who will be with me only when it’s peaches and cream. And no I am not clueless, I also come from a culture where the American husband is expected to finance quite a few of his in laws back home.

 

You will overcome and hopefully at some point stop viewing the relationship through rose tinted glasses.

I don't know... did she really abandon him? 

He was unemployed, so I assume she was the one working and the money they were sending to the Philippines came from her paycheck? She sounds like a supportive wife and daughter.

Unless the money came from his/their savings?

@Balamban correct me if I'm wrong?

 

Sounds like she left him after his issues ended and he was able to resume work as an RN.

There could be more to the story.

She could be blaming the end of their relationship on her family but this could just be an excuse. He has already posted angrily about possible cheating on Facebook. 

Either way, if Balamban wants to help his spouse remove conditions he can do so. If he wants to walk away from the relationship, she will have to figure out her immigration situation alone. 

[Carpe Vinum 2,310]

Adventine and others have broken this situation down far better than I ever could. You could have bought the mango farm...heck you could have bought 10 mango farms and they would have never been satisfied. You were the ticket for the whole family to raise their status - financially and socially. Of course we are only hearing one side of the story which is what usually happens here on VJ.

 

Was your wife working during those two years and helping to send money?

Edited November 8, 2021 by Carpe Vinum

[Carpe Vinum 2,310]

12 minutes ago, Carpe Vinum said:

Adventine and others have broken this situation down far better than I ever could. You could have bought the mango farm...heck you could have bought 10 mango farms and they would have never been satisfied. You were the ticket for the whole family to raise their status - financially and socially. Of course we are only hearing one side of the story which is what usually happens here on VJ.

 

Was your wife working during those two years and helping to send money?

Never mind. I see that she works and works a lot.

[ms.lonely 14]

I am a filipina  been here in the US for 2 years now as CR1, we got married in the Philippines. He quit he's  job after 2 weeks I came taught  me to drive and do things together while I am on the process of adjusting  to my present situation. He was not working  for 2 years. I started to applied for a job so I can help him while his sacrificing himself not to work in order to help me to lean and adapt to the new culture. I am very  thankful  and appreciates my husband. Next February we will be 4 years in our marriage happy and doing a lot of adventures  as a couple. Eventhough there are bumps along the way in our  relationship. We tried to overcome it and solve the issues  right away cause we are a team. As a team we can solve it together whatever turmoil may encounter out  there. I brought a dog from the Philippines when I came here she was my baby.  Unfortunately she died last April ,2020 it hurt me alot cried for for 2 months and my mom passed away last July 18, 2020. It gave so much pain because  before I left the country  I took good care of here since she got a stroke for 4 years and 9 months. I came in the US  Oct 2019. My husband was there a shoulder  to cry on and reminding me that I have  him.

[Crazy Cat 39,337]

13 hours ago, Balamban said:

But wonder about options if I have any. 

From an immigration standpoint, your best option is for her to become a US citizen as soon as possible.  Then, you are no longer obligated under the I-864.  The multiple relationship issues between you two and her family, of course, are a different matter altogether.

Thanks for the Kubler-Ross reference.  It brings back memories of my RN education.

[Balamban 113]

3 hours ago, Carpe Vinum said:

Adventine and others have broken this situation down far better than I ever could. You could have bought the mango farm...heck you could have bought 10 mango farms and they would have never been satisfied. You were the ticket for the whole family to raise their status - financially and socially. Of course we are only hearing one side of the story which is what usually happens here on VJ.

 

Was your wife working during those two years and helping to send money?

Carpe Vinum, I see that you saw that yes, "she works a lot."  She worked for about half of our relationship.  Recently she's started working "a lot," and after leaving "a very lot," meaning about 88 hours this last week.   She's an impressive worker and I suspect one of the most valued at the place where she works.  She'll do well though I fear because her family will bleed her dry and she'll eventually find a new guy and likely marry, and then the pressures will double.  But that's her problem (or not, as the future shall tell).  

 

Since there is no hostility at all (sadness, yes) it was no big deal to divide assets fairly and that was nice, she's leaving with a good amount in savings.

[Balamban 113]

1 hour ago, Crazy Cat said:

From an immigration standpoint, your best option is for her to become a US citizen as soon as possible.  Then, you are no longer obligated under the I-864.  The multiple relationship issues between you two and her family, of course, are a different matter altogether.

Thanks for the Kubler-Ross reference.  It brings back memories of my RN education.

Kubler-Ross was spot on, and I'm not sure if I'm stuck in the bargaining phase, the denial phase, or the acceptance phase, but it always ends there.

 

Yes, I learned it when I studied to be a RN also.

 

She'll become a US citizen when she accumulates, what is it 40 quarters of work?  That'll be 34 quarters to go, that'll be 8.5 years.  I'm not worried either way.

[Balamban 113]

2 hours ago, ms.lonely said:

I am a filipina  been here in the US for 2 years now as CR1, we got married in the Philippines. He quit he's  job after 2 weeks I came taught  me to drive and do things together while I am on the process of adjusting  to my present situation. He was not working  for 2 years. I started to applied for a job so I can help him while his sacrificing himself not to work in order to help me to lean and adapt to the new culture. I am very  thankful  and appreciates my husband. Next February we will be 4 years in our marriage happy and doing a lot of adventures  as a couple. Eventhough there are bumps along the way in our  relationship. We tried to overcome it and solve the issues  right away cause we are a team. As a team we can solve it together whatever turmoil may encounter out  there. I brought a dog from the Philippines when I came here she was my baby.  Unfortunately she died last April ,2020 it hurt me alot cried for for 2 months and my mom passed away last July 18, 2020. It gave so much pain because  before I left the country  I took good care of here since she got a stroke for 4 years and 9 months. I came in the US  Oct 2019. My husband was there a shoulder  to cry on and reminding me that I have  him.

Such a sweet story, thank you, excepting the part about your mom and the dog.

[Crazy Cat 39,337]

3 minutes ago, Balamban said:

Kubler-Ross was spot on, and I'm not sure if I'm stuck in the bargaining phase, the denial phase, or the acceptance phase, but it always ends there.

 

Yes, I learned it when I studied to be a RN also.

 

She'll become a US citizen when she accumulates, what is it 40 quarters of work?  That'll be 34 quarters to go, that'll be 8.5 years.  I'm not worried either way.

If she remains married to you, it would be a lot sooner. 

BTW, I remember you from a few years ago.  I hope you can find peace soon.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Crazy Cat

[notantifun 196]

This is one of those VJ tales as old as time. This was sadly a predictable ending. I've seen pretty much all this guy's posts. First of all, let's not ignore the 44 years age difference. OP is 70-71 years old. Also, wife appears to not speak good English (had to be enrolled in English classes). I cannot imagine how you two communicated and got married in the first place. Couples both speaking fluent English but coming from different cultural backgrounds are not spared from the language barriers, more so when once barely speaks it. Anyway, it's clear that the dynamics in this relationship were very problematic from it's inception. 

 

Even if the family's demands were ridiculous and they were, boundaries should have been set from the beginning. The failure of the marriage was purely due to poor boundaries, problematic power dynamics and partners misrepresenting their intentions to each other.

 

 

[Balamban 113]

37 minutes ago, notantifun said:

This is one of those VJ tales as old as time. This was sadly a predictable ending. I've seen pretty much all this guy's posts. First of all, let's not ignore the 44 years age difference. OP is 70-71 years old. Also, wife appears to not speak good English (had to be enrolled in English classes). I cannot imagine how you two communicated and got married in the first place. Couples both speaking fluent English but coming from different cultural backgrounds are not spared from the language barriers, more so when once barely speaks it. Anyway, it's clear that the dynamics in this relationship were very problematic from it's inception. 

 

Even if the family's demands were ridiculous and they were, boundaries should have been set from the beginning. The failure of the marriage was purely due to poor boundaries, problematic power dynamics and partners misrepresenting their intentions to each other.

 

 

Thank you for points of view.

My wife is now almost fluent in English, and has a very good vocabulary.  Yes she tends to get “th” wrong, but so does half the world.  We spent much of the 1st year together with her learning and our city has an exceptional English as Second Language and she did quite well.  The reality is that there is no language barrier for her.  I do wish that I had learned at least conservational Bisaya, so there is a language barrier for me.

Just how is it clear, pray tell, that the dynamic was problematic?  The reality was that we had a fun, loving relationship until about a month ago which was brought on by our being one single day late on a remittance.  

Just yesterday she had stopped by and said: “I told the family that I still wanted to see you,” they said, “no, no, you will be on Calvary.”  Now I’m not sure what Calvary was but it was clear that they did not want her talking to me.  Anyone know what "Calvary" is to a Filipina?

I shall agree that there was poor boundaries between us and the family, they expected a farm within 3 years, plain and simple.  If only I had known I was under a time constraint.

I fail to see any “power dynamics,” or any misrepresentation between us.  Perhaps you’d like to clarify?  Are you implying that a large age gap always equals a power dynamic issue and misrepresentation?

As far as the age gap, the couple that she is currently renting a room from has a 37 year age gap, they have been married now for 17 year.  Large age gaps are not uncommon and a simple age gap does not in itself predict a marital failure.
 

[Balamban 113]

4 hours ago, Crazy Cat said:

If she remains married to you, it would be a lot sooner. 

 

How so, sooner?  One can only accumulate 4 quarters a year?  Am I missing something?