Please help, Husband is abusing me

[Duke & Marie 1,389]

24 minutes ago, MorganandMichael said:

You literally referred to an instance of verbal abuse as “fun and games” in your first post.

 

Forgive me if that makes this seem shallow, now.

I did, because people were telling me to read the damn phone book just to hear my accent, while laughing and making fun of the way I talk.. you can take it as abuse if you like, I took it as a joke due to their tone of voice and the environment.

[Duke & Marie 1,389]

35 minutes ago, MorganandMichael said:

Earlier in this post you mentioned it didn’t make sense that OP’s husband went from being a good person to being nasty and mean to her. Was the ex who abused you an outright abuser from the beginning, or was it always obvious to you that it was going to happen?

 

If it’s the former, why would you think the change in personality OP reported doesn't make sense?

 

If it’s the later, I sincerely hope that before they hurt you, you didn’t go to a friend/family/ANYONE and tell them your concerns only to be told you should try and keep working things out. That would be putting you in danger. Exactly like your instructions could possibly be doing in this case.

Well if we want to make it personal, Unlike you who lost it over an engine light... I realised he was an abuser right about the same time he pushed me out of the upstairs bedroom window whilst pregnant after I came home early to find him in bed with my then best friend who was unbeknown to me also carrying his child at the time, but it could have been the point where he then came down stairs and starting kicking me repeatedly saying how dare I walk in on him, it’s a little tricky to recall I was kind of semi conscious.. 

 

At no time did I tell the OP to try keep working it out, but I guess you can interpret my words anyway you like however marriage guidance isn’t all about reconciliation it’s about communication too! Which is what appears to be the issue, it is very possible she is not hearing tone or misinterpreting meaning as part of the sentence or phrase given English isn’t her first language. Example, them laughing at her in the store, particularly when you consider most abusers tend to keep things behind closed doors not out in public areas

Edited February 26, 2020 by Duke & Marie

[laylalex 7,247]

We are fortunate that we live in the United States and have no fault divorce. My ex didn't have to have a reason to start our divorce, and I sure am glad he didn't have to put it all over our petition or in the subsequent pleadings and papers filed with the court. It was a lie -- he was convinced I was cheating on him. I'm still shocked that that's what it took to let me go -- that he was convinced people would think he was too weak to control his woman. I'm forever grateful that his abuse was never physical, even if I still have scars.

 

My fiancé was married and divorced in England. There the only way to get a no fault divorce is to live apart for two years, and his now-ex-wife's family convinced her this wasn't in their child's interest. They wanted her to end it asap. She had to put in the petition instances of his unreasonable behavior. It was mortifying for him. 

 

If the OP wants a divorce, she can get one. She doesn't need to have a reason. And none of us should get to say whether she should think about it before doing it. Her life, her choice. 

 

Again, best wishes to you, OP, and to all of us in here who have opened up about our own abuse. We all deserve better. 

Edited February 26, 2020 by laylalex

[Ban Hammer 12,837]

cease the bickering and grand standing.
post constructive advice for the op only.

[jeanieCZ 228]

9 hours ago, Duke & Marie said:

Yet apparently it’s ok for y’all to condem a man of DV based on unsubstantiated accusations made by her in his absence, that’s kind of hypocritical.

 

I don't think anybody actually condemned the guy. People provided advice to a woman who feels she's being abused.

It seems to me that you are actually the one jumping to the conclusion.

 

@MiriamK 

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation! I'm glad you're safe at the moment, even if there needs to be a less temporary solution. In case your husband threatens you, go to/call the police. Call National Domestic Violence Hotline. 

 

Other questions for yourself to consider: Do you want to stay in the US in case you and your husband split up? Do you have friends or family to go to, either in the US or your home country?

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[Besamiot 35]

Do you have a lawyer? Document the abuse. If he is abusing you, you have the right to walk away from that abuse. He can't call you his property. If you have a recording device in your phone, record all conversations. He can't cause you to go back. He cant enslave you either. Abusers are like that. They abuse you but don't want you to leave.  

[laylalex 7,247]

She's been married to him at least 2 years; she came in on an IR1 visa. 

 

She wants advice on an immigration issue, not on whether she should persist in a marriage with someone she believes is an abuser. I agree marriages depend on communication, but they also depend on respect. She is not being shown respect. If my fiancé spoke to me or about me in front of my face the way her husband has about her, I am now strong enough to say: no. This is not acceptable. He would get one chance to explain himself and that's it. No one needs to stay in a marriage without respect, even if there is love.

[Crazy Cat 39,227]

18 minutes ago, Rick2019 said:

it's a family issue, not an immigration issue. Plus no one can judge from one side story....

if her husband waited/gone through visa processes, he loves her/ she does also - Please don't forget that-. i think it's a normal husband/wife argument, that got out of proportions. 1 month together , you still need to adjust to each other. 

Communication is the key to resolve all issues. 

Marriage is not a fairly tale, it has it's ups/downs, but both sides have to remember why they choose each other and keep the love between them alive 

 

I disagree.  Actually, it IS an immigration issue if :

1.  Husband threatens to call USCIS to "have her deported".

2.  Husband prevents her from accessing her Green card.

Normal husband/wife argument?  Really????

This is not a communication issue if what the OP stated about the experience in the store is true.  "my husband embarrassed me in the middle of the store, he yelled "are you a moron? can't you understand what he said?" and then kept yelling at me that I am stupid while I was at the cash register trying to pay."   

This is an abuse issue.

Edited February 26, 2020 by missileman

[MiriamK 24]

7 hours ago, Duke & Marie said:

Well if we want to make it personal, Unlike you who lost it over an engine light... I realised he was an abuser right about the same time he pushed me out of the upstairs bedroom window whilst pregnant after I came home early to find him in bed with my then best friend who was unbeknown to me also carrying his child at the time, but it could have been the point where he then came down stairs and starting kicking me repeatedly saying how dare I walk in on him, it’s a little tricky to recall I was kind of semi conscious.. 

 

At no time did I tell the OP to try keep working it out, but I guess you can interpret my words anyway you like however marriage guidance isn’t all about reconciliation it’s about communication too! Which is what appears to be the issue, it is very possible she is not hearing tone or misinterpreting meaning as part of the sentence or phrase given English isn’t her first language. Example, them laughing at her in the store, particularly when you consider most abusers tend to keep things behind closed doors not out in public areas

AGAIN! I did not say people were laughing at me at the store! and I didn't say that I don't understand english, you are making me sound like an idiot that can't tell if my husband is serious or teasing me, maybe you don't understand english! I said that I have hard time understanding people with heavy accent like Indian or Chinese.

I am very much capable of understanding english and I can also tell what is abuse and what is not.

[DELETEME1234 208]

Can we stop trying to make abuse sound like an acceptable marital argument?

 

This is a forum and a such it’s a medium that only allows to hear one side of the story and you will never hear the other side. As such you implicitly agree to give advice based on what an OP tells you since the opposite is to simply post that you can’t say anything useful based on one side each and every time. 
 

That’s all we ever can and should do, take an OP’s story at face value. On the flip side it’s in OP’s. best interest to represent their situation as truthfully as possible, otherwise they run the risk of receiving and following up on advice that hurts their situation more than it helps. 
 

So let’s cut it with the ‘it’s one side’, ‘if OP is telling the truth’ and ‘normal marital arguments’ shall we? And guide OP towards domestic violence help, which for the record, consider mental abuse as abusive as physical abuse. 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Poseidon1212

[Zoeeeeeee 795]

20 minutes ago, MiriamK said:

Seriously? Abuse is a normal couples argument?

It's clear from your original post that you  came here for immigration advice - so I'm so sorry that some people have felt it appropriate to give unsolicited marriage guidance/counseling. Please do your best to ignore this and instead focus on some of the great RELEVANT advice you've been given. Good luck to you and stay safe.

[Joyoussinger 1,410]

15 hours ago, MiriamK said:

I don't think you understood what I wrote, who is they?

my husband embarrassed me in the middle of the store, he yelled "are you a moron? can't you understand what he said?" and then kept yelling at me that I am stupid while I was at the cash register trying to pay.

Everyone at the store were staring at us, at me, probably feeling sorry for me.

Please follow the good advice here and disregard anyone who tries to minimize your problem. You have a right to be treated respectfully. I believe you. Best of luck, and please keep us posted.

[josue818 20]

I am appalled by some of the posts on this thread. Survivors of domestic violence already face disbelief by officers and courts, but also in a forum where they seek help? OP's husband's version of the events is irrelevant here. It is OP's own experience in her situation that truly matters. How often would an abuser really be honest and admit to having abused someone instead of claiming that a victim blew things out of proportion.

 

Emotional and verbal abuse is still domestic violence and threatening someone with deportation is already proof of extreme cruelty under immigration law. Also it is inappropriate to diminish someone else's trauma and abuse based on the level and severity of their abuse. This forum needs to be better than that, people need to be trauma informed when speaking to survivors to avoid retraumatizing, which is what is going on here. Survivors already have a hard time speaking about their experiences for any one of us to question it. It is not anyone's place in this forum to do that.

 

OP some people in here have provided you with domestic violence hotlines, use them they can be valuable. They can also likely provide you with information for shelters in your area. Please be safe and thank you for being brave enough to share your experience with us.

[Ban Hammer 12,837]

more posts removed for off topic posting or for not posting constructive advice for the op.

 

do not post marriage advice, your own divorce story, bicker with other members, and so on.

 

suspensions will be handed out like candy on halloween should any continue to ignore the above warning.

 

edited to add:  there are 2 members that are very close at this time to getting hit by the ban hammer. 

 

 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Ban Hammer

[MiriamK 24]

Can he do something to me? he keeps texting me that he is going the the police to file a police report and say that I used him for immigration.