WIfe keeps threatening me that she will go to the battered shelter (merged)

[belinda63 2,981]

Offer to buy her a ticket home, make sure you are financially protected by taking her off any credit cards and having your own individual bank account.

Next time she leaves let her.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life having her threaten you when she doesn't get her way. 

You don't have to go to the interview with her, no one can force you to go.

[Rocio0010 5,569]

1 hour ago, RO_AH said:

I recommend trying to fix the relationship

Never try to fix the relationship with an abuser

[Lemonslice 4,566]

The whole "send her back" really underestimates her will to stay, and her possible means.  Maybe I missed it, but nothing stated made me believe she isn't working/having some savings.

 

Realistically OP, consult a lawyer, divorce, move on.  Tell her that she doesn't have to make up any story to stay, divorce waiver is usually easy enough when removing conditions. 

[STO Overland 137]

call her bluff and check in to the battered shelter yourself. Seems you have a valid case of spousal abuse.

[Ontarkie 13,920]

~~Three posts removed one for TOS Violation and the others for quoting/continuation of the removed post.~~.~~

[SalishSea 16,808]

9 hours ago, andrewfromdenver said:

spending money

"give her spending money"?  Is it 1958?

 

Most, if not all of the women I know earn their own "spending" money.  Some of us even earn more than our husbands.

[Joyoussinger 1,412]

15 hours ago, JeanneAdil said:

Next time she leaves,  don't go after her

change the locks on all your doors

 

If she gets abusive like throwing things,  etc,  call 911 

 

if she calls and wants to return,  tell her she needs to meet u at office of a consular (u should seek one to talk to now for your own sake)

Don't agree for her to return unless u r completely satisfied (and the consular is) that she has seen a dr and gotten medical help and is willing to work this thru

I would file a police report and get a restraining order before doing any of these things. Depending on where you live, it could be illegal to deny the person entry into the home without one. 

[POA 175]

18 hours ago, rollitup said:

What rights do I have as a man? and what can I do?

Her two year visa is up in September. 

My wife is unhappy with our marriage. When she is happy she does many things to help out, cooking, cleaning, ironing and I do appreciate all that but even then we had too many fights about how controlling she is. Now she's getting advice from a Filipina friend to just go to the shelter so she can start her new life. Every time she gets mad she brings all her clothes downstairs from the room. She gets so jealous and makes make believe stories in her head. If she hears the neighbors that she is jealous about laughing together she thinks they are laughing at her. She gets explosively angry, tearing my shirt. I cant go in the front yard without a potential problem because she thinks I like the neighbors. I cant go into the bathroom with my phone because she thinks I will message a woman. She's very controlling about one of my sisters that I have its always monitored conversations and questions when I do call my sister without her. She's injured my ribs, drilled my hand, punched me slapped me, etc.

 

So recently she left and I went to find her and bring her back. But every time I don't agree with her she keeps threatening me that she will go in the battered woman's shelter. And she almost did it the last time. Before when we would argue she would threaten me buy saying she wanted to go home forever.  After about 100 times of hearing that I finally agreed. She changed her tone and now I feel suffocated into going to that interview in September. It took years to get her the annulment and now married almost 3 years so if I want a divorce she guilts me by saying I wasted 12 years of her life and she will fight for her rights. 

I don't know what to do anymore, all I know is I am not happy at all. 

 

I am a Filipina. A couple of things, either she doesn't really want to be with you or she needs help. If I were in your situation, I would ask if she wants to go to therapy to try and fix things. If she declines, then it's time to let go. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. But it's not worth holding on to something that you are the only one fighting. Good luck!

[MarJhi 921]

Here is the thing, at NO point is this situation going to improve. You will have a hundreds moments where you will look back on and say "I should have ended this relationship right then". Start the legal process of ending this relationship NOW so this won't be just another of the hundreds of moments you wish you did something sooner. 

 

She is miserable, you are miserable, it's only going to affect your health if you keep this thing going.

[RoHus 8]

19 hours ago, rollitup said:

What rights do I have as a man? and what can I do?

Her two year visa is up in September. 

My wife is unhappy with our marriage. When she is happy she does many things to help out, cooking, cleaning, ironing and I do appreciate all that but even then we had too many fights about how controlling she is. Now she's getting advice from a Filipina friend to just go to the shelter so she can start her new life. Every time she gets mad she brings all her clothes downstairs from the room. She gets so jealous and makes make believe stories in her head. If she hears the neighbors that she is jealous about laughing together she thinks they are laughing at her. She gets explosively angry, tearing my shirt. I cant go in the front yard without a potential problem because she thinks I like the neighbors. I cant go into the bathroom with my phone because she thinks I will message a woman. She's very controlling about one of my sisters that I have its always monitored conversations and questions when I do call my sister without her. She's injured my ribs, drilled my hand, punched me slapped me, etc.

 

So recently she left and I went to find her and bring her back. But every time I don't agree with her she keeps threatening me that she will go in the battered woman's shelter. And she almost did it the last time. Before when we would argue she would threaten me buy saying she wanted to go home forever.  After about 100 times of hearing that I finally agreed. She changed her tone and now I feel suffocated into going to that interview in September. It took years to get her the annulment and now married almost 3 years so if I want a divorce she guilts me by saying I wasted 12 years of her life and she will fight for her rights. 

I don't know what to do anymore, all I know is I am not happy at all. 

 

I am sorry that happened to you both. However, I believe there are reasons behind actions. Have you done something thst might traumatize her to be extremely jealous? Have you accomodate all of her needs, considering she leaves everything behind for you? What caused the fight and the physical ones especially? You need to address the problem with her, talk to her like you were still happy and loved her. 

Decide TOGETHER if you want to still be together. If not, then there is no point on holding on. If you beg for someone not to leave, not only you will be seen as the only one who 'needs' her so she can take advantage of that, but also that means she will leave anyway. You wouldnt beed to beg for her to stay with you if she loves you. Remember that.

 

If you have mistakes in the past that triggers this, own it and apologize sincerely, and be better. She will also be better if she loves you. 

 

[PWB 213]

Thank God and Greyhound she's gone.   

[MarJhi 921]

Since she is talking about going to a battered womans shelter, that would implicate you as the one doing the abuse. I would not spend a single minute with her alone again. 

[Rocio0010 5,569]

2 hours ago, RoHus said:

However, I believe there are reasons behind actions.

No one has the right to hurt anyone.

2 hours ago, RoHus said:

Have you accomodate all of her needs, considering she leaves everything behind for you?

I’m sorry, did I miss anything? Was she forced to come here, or are we talking about an adult that made a decision on their own?

 

2 hours ago, RoHus said:

What caused the fight and the physical ones especially?

Again, violence is never justified.

 

2 hours ago, RoHus said:

talk to her like you were still happy and loved her. 

No. OPs wife is being abusive. Plus, OP is entitled to feel what they feel and should not act like they are still happy and in love when there’s abuse involved. 

 

2 hours ago, RoHus said:

if she loves you.

If she’s abusing him, there’s no love. 

 

2 hours ago, RoHus said:

She will also be better if she loves you. 

Mmm no. Abusers don’t change.

OP would be better off by divorcing, and let her figure out the rest.

[TBoneTX 43,160]

A noncontributory post has been removed.

[JeanneAdil 6,214]

On 5/9/2022 at 1:09 PM, Crazy Cat said:

I would be careful.  In some states, that could get you in big trouble.  

either can change the lock BUT the other party can call a locksmith and change them back