WIfe keeps threatening me that she will go to the battered shelter (merged)

[EllisAndRenz 193]

I'm going to jump in here.  Not sure if this will be helpful or not.

After my wife got here, also from the Philippines, she went thru a period of time where she acted similar to this.  She was physically and mentally abusive to me, all the while screaming I was abusive to her when I would never even consider laying a hand on her.  (Don't EVER do that, because then it's ALL on you.) She got jealous over things that happened only in her dreams. (You ever get yelled at for something that happened in someone's dream?  And asked to apologize for it? I did!)   She kept threatening to "go home" or to "go to a Philippine shelter". (Someone told her they exist).   At one point, after being physically assaulted, I called the police.  Since I had a mark on me and she didn't have anything, the police were going to charge her with abuse.  I declined, but that stuff stopped quickly.  She told me she was a bit shocked that in the USA they would charge a woman with abuse.  Sometime (maybe before, or after) she called some Philippine "mission" and they told her they had nothing to do with people's marriages. (I still don't know who she called, but it was weird)  After that, one of our Philippine neighbors essentially told her to cut it out.  (On these last items, I didn't have to do anything, the stars just aligned in our favor)

She subsequently got a job that she absolutely loves.  She's turned around.  She's NEVER physically abusive anymore.  Occasionally she's emotionally abusive(?) or maybe manipulative, but she's gotten so much better with that, and we are at the point now where I can go "hey, you are doing that again."  I've had my faults too (aren't we all a work in progress?), but we've grown together thru this process.

Consider this: Her voyage here was crazy for her from a mental standpoint.  She's left her whole world behind.  She is alone, except for with you. She's about as far away from home as she can get. Don't underestimate what that does to any person, especially one that has likely never traveled outside of her country.  She's transitioning from a long distance relationship to being a full time wife and partner.  That doesn't excuse the threats or the abuse.  In fact, I'd recommend asking her to go to therapy together, so a third party can help you find methods to work thru these things.  Many Filipinas have insane level jealously issues, even when unjustified.  She may need therapy to learn to deal with those feelings, which likely drive some of her behavior.  

 

Now many have said abusers never change.  That's often true.  But it's not 100% true.  It wasn't for me.  My wife and I are once again crazy mad in love with each other, and I can't think of not wanting to spend the rest of my life with her.  For the first year or so after she got here, it was pure hell.  But now, it's nice.  She's back to being the girl I fell in love with when I was living in Manila.  Our relationship is stronger than ever.  I hope this same outcome for you.

You have been given a lot of really great perspectives here.  I hope you find a solution that works for you, and I wish you the very best.  

 

Edited May 16, 2022 by EllisAndRenz

[TruBrotha 0]

I will also want to go johny depp style like get recordings keep medical records/evidences qnd pictures and then file a criminal complaint and get a lawyer

[MateR 68]

That 10 year financial commitment though - you should get all these abuses documented and then see if it is possible to have her deported quite frankly. Speak with the lawyer. Something about you entering in good faith only to be deceived and abused. Turn the tables on her. Record her without her knowing. Nanny cams are all the rage.

[blchaddy 15]

On 5/9/2022 at 2:03 PM, rollitup said:

Thanks for your advice, I'm just worried that if I don't agree to go she will reign hellfire on me 😔. I'm an introvert so I keep all these problems to myself until now here on this website.

Get away from this toxic behavior. You will likely never be happy with this person. I would suggest you get ahead of this all and start recording her when she threatens you. Call the police on her and file a protective order against her next time she physical hurts you or threatens you, that way you have some control over the situation. And some evidence that you’re not the instigator. She also sounds like the type who will probably start hitting herself and saying it was you who did it, so if you’re planning on staying, maybe some security cams around the house might be a good investment. 

Edited May 16, 2022 by blchaddy

[lloy0076 6]

On 5/16/2022 at 2:00 AM, EllisAndRenz said:

Consider this: Her voyage here was crazy for her from a mental standpoint.  She's left her whole world behind.  She is alone, except for with you. She's about as far away from home as she can get. Don't underestimate what that does to any person, especially one that has likely never traveled outside of her country.  She's transitioning from a long distance relationship to being a full time wife and partner.  That doesn't excuse the threats or the abuse.  In fact, I'd recommend asking her to go to therapy together, so a third party can help you find methods to work thru these things.  Many Filipinas have insane level jealously issues, even when unjustified.  She may need therapy to learn to deal with those feelings, which likely drive some of her behavior.  

The only thing I might add is if there are any substances such as alcohol or any one of the myriad illicit ones (whether pot is illegal or not depends on where the OP lives), they can also really make bad situations worse; so, whilst the OP most likely couldn't stop their wife from drinking (etc) they can stop themselves.

 

At worst, they'll most likely become more healthy over time - at best they may be able to figure out a solution easier when "sober" much easier; and honestly, a single standard glass of wine (or two - few at home drink a real standard glass) can seriously change thought patterns. Don't ask me how I happen to know this; plenty of scientific evidence to back me up but unfortunately I also know first hand.

 

I DO wish the OP the best, though; others have given great advice. I hope the OP and his wife - whatever happens to them - recovers from the situation and they can move on slowly to a better place in life, together or apart.

 

[EllisAndRenz 193]

2 hours ago, lloy0076 said:

The only thing I might add is if there are any substances such as alcohol or any one of the myriad illicit ones (whether pot is illegal or not depends on where the OP lives), they can also really make bad situations worse; so, whilst the OP most likely couldn't stop their wife from drinking (etc) they can stop themselves.

 

At worst, they'll most likely become more healthy over time - at best they may be able to figure out a solution easier when "sober" much easier; and honestly, a single standard glass of wine (or two - few at home drink a real standard glass) can seriously change thought patterns. Don't ask me how I happen to know this; plenty of scientific evidence to back me up but unfortunately I also know first hand.

 

I DO wish the OP the best, though; others have given great advice. I hope the OP and his wife - whatever happens to them - recovers from the situation and they can move on slowly to a better place in life, together or apart.

 

You are absolutely right about even alcohol.  One glass of wine and my wife's personality changed dramatically to one that wanted to pick a fight about anything and everything. (She only weighs 80lbs, so that's a lot more for her than the rest of us)  We had to remove that from the equation.  Good point to add.

 

[Rocio0010 5,569]

On 5/16/2022 at 2:00 AM, EllisAndRenz said:

 In fact, I'd recommend asking her to go to therapy together, so a third party can help you find methods to work thru these things.

I'm glad it all worked out for you. However, I think this is very dangerous advice. Do not go to therapy together!!! She has no right to hurt anyone. Let her deal with her own issues first, before going to therapy together. If there is really a manipulation issue, therapy might not be in the victim's best interest. Again, I am happy it worked for you, but I don't think this is the right path.

 

On 5/16/2022 at 2:00 AM, EllisAndRenz said:

Consider this: Her voyage here was crazy for her from a mental standpoint.  She's left her whole world behind.  She is alone, except for with you. She's about as far away from home as she can get. Don't underestimate what that does to any person, especially one that has likely never traveled outside of her country.  She's transitioning from a long distance relationship to being a full time wife and partner.  That doesn't excuse the threats or the abuse.

Then if that doesn't excuse it, why even bring it up? And I say this with utmost respect... While I do understand making *some* concessions given that she has left her whole world behind, that is not under any circumstance a valid reason for being abusive with somebody. I believe most people here in VJ are immigrants, most of us have left a world behind, most of us were alone at first, and we were not abusive with our partners. And also, the immigration journey is also stressing for the USC, because most of their spouses depend on them until at least they can get a job and a DL. That is taxing as well, and it doesn't mean that USC would be justified in abusing their spouses. To each their own. 

[EllisAndRenz 193]

1 hour ago, Rocio0010 said:

I'm glad it all worked out for you. However, I think this is very dangerous advice. Do not go to therapy together!!! She has no right to hurt anyone. Let her deal with her own issues first, before going to therapy together. If there is really a manipulation issue, therapy might not be in the victim's best interest. Again, I am happy it worked for you, but I don't think this is the right path.

 

Then if that doesn't excuse it, why even bring it up? And I say this with utmost respect... While I do understand making *some* concessions given that she has left her whole world behind, that is not under any circumstance a valid reason for being abusive with somebody. I believe most people here in VJ are immigrants, most of us have left a world behind, most of us were alone at first, and we were not abusive with our partners. And also, the immigration journey is also stressing for the USC, because most of their spouses depend on them until at least they can get a job and a DL. That is taxing as well, and it doesn't mean that USC would be justified in abusing their spouses. To each their own. 

You go to therapy together to ensure that 1) They go, 2) The therapist can get the complete picture.  (As described by our licensed therapist). I assume you are one as well with a differing opinion.  That's fine councilor. 

And this ... along with my advice ... is worth what we all paid for it.  Take it for what it's worth.  

 

[Rocio0010 5,569]

3 minutes ago, EllisAndRenz said:

I assume you are one as well with a differing opinion.  That's fine councilor. 

No, I am a Language Teacher. But I am entitled to have an opinion, too. Some abusers take advantage of therapy to manipulate the situation even further. The abuser has an issue, they should be the ones going to therapy and dealing with it. I feel that asking the victim to go to couple's therapy, even if it is to get the whole picture, can be dangerous. 

For OP, the most important thing right now is to be safe. Their wife should deal with their immigration journey on their own. No one deserves to be abused. End of argument for me.

[TBoneTX 43,160]

When determining whether to keep going or call a halt, it's wise to consider the three "A's" that can't realistically be changed or aren't worth trying to change:

 

Abuse

Addiction

Affairs

[Redro 4,601]

11 hours ago, EllisAndRenz said:

You go to therapy together to ensure that 1) They go, 2) The therapist can get the complete picture.  (As described by our licensed therapist). I assume you are one as well with a differing opinion.  That's fine councilor. 

And this ... along with my advice ... is worth what we all paid for it.  Take it for what it's worth.  

 

Standard advice in therapy is not to go when you are in an abusive relationship.

https://psychcentral.com/pro/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1

For therapy to work. Both partners should want to change and work on the relationship.

Often times those who engage in abusive behaviours do not believe they are doing anything wrong. 

 

I watch a great show called "Couples Therapy" with Dr. Oral Guralnik. 

You can see the different dynamics each person in a couple brings to therapy. 

If you watch the season with Mau and Annie you can see how Mau subverts their therapy process and undermines the therapist. 

Edited May 20, 2022 by ROK2USA

[blchaddy 15]

Lol I can’t believe how much everyone is still posting about this. They have problems, received a ton of advice about it, I think they’re good. 

[Redro 4,601]

19 minutes ago, blchaddy said:

Lol I can’t believe how much everyone is still posting about this. They have problems, received a ton of advice about it, I think they’re good. 

OP last visited this site May 11.

Asked if he could get out of the I-864 if he divorced the wife... 

Sometimes people need advice on both immigration and relationship aspects.

PLUS, helpful to others in the same or a similar situation.

These cases might be far and in between but they are not super out of the ordinary.

Many people realize there is a major mismatch that can't be rectified with therapy and/or time. 

Edited May 20, 2022 by ROK2USA

[Sandra G. 5,016]

On 5/9/2022 at 12:12 PM, rollitup said:

What rights do I have as a man? and what can I do?

Her two year visa is up in September. 

My wife is unhappy with our marriage. When she is happy she does many things to help out, cooking, cleaning, ironing and I do appreciate all that but even then we had too many fights about how controlling she is. Now she's getting advice from a Filipina friend to just go to the shelter so she can start her new life. Every time she gets mad she brings all her clothes downstairs from the room. She gets so jealous and makes make believe stories in her head. If she hears the neighbors that she is jealous about laughing together she thinks they are laughing at her. She gets explosively angry, tearing my shirt. I cant go in the front yard without a potential problem because she thinks I like the neighbors. I cant go into the bathroom with my phone because she thinks I will message a woman. She's very controlling about one of my sisters that I have its always monitored conversations and questions when I do call my sister without her. She's injured my ribs, drilled my hand, punched me slapped me, etc.

 

So recently she left and I went to find her and bring her back. But every time I don't agree with her she keeps threatening me that she will go in the battered woman's shelter. And she almost did it the last time. Before when we would argue she would threaten me buy saying she wanted to go home forever.  After about 100 times of hearing that I finally agreed. She changed her tone and now I feel suffocated into going to that interview in September. It took years to get her the annulment and now married almost 3 years so if I want a divorce she guilts me by saying I wasted 12 years of her life and she will fight for her rights. 

I don't know what to do anymore, all I know is I am not happy at all. 

 

Time to divorce your abusive wife .Why do you want to continue living  with her?. She abuses you, she doesn’t love you,it’s time to move on man.

Edited May 31, 2022 by sandranj

[Eric-Pris 1,602]

First you need to find your testicles because you lost them somewhere along the way.  Like others said, let her leave, even help her pack.  She does this to manipulate you.  This marriage is obviously over (she got what she wanted, to stay here permanently) but you seem to want to "fix" it, typical for somebody with low self-esteem.  Go get some counseling, and get rid of her.  Divorce and move on.  Don't worry about i-864.  If she gets food stamps, it's a longshot that the government would ask you to repay it..  The US government is a disorganized mess, and they don't know who is getting what, I personally wouldn't worry about it that much.