Help with K1/AoS and terrible marriage problem please

[NikLR 13,220]

OP of course you have things to go home to.  You had friends as you stated and full time job.  If your friends won't help you, they weren't very good friends.  You can at least pick yourself back up again.  

 

I don't think you should stay in that house another minute if he's deviant in a way you aren't comfortable with.  Don't have sex with someone just to keep them wandering, if you don't love him why do you care if he has sex with other people?!  Let him go have sex with some rando and you can leave while he's at it.  Go to a DV shelter.  Ask for help from your friends, including the ones in the USA. 

 

Now here is the unkind part of what I have to say: You had so many red flags before you showed up and yet you still came and want to stay now and don't want to go home?  Did you come for the relationship? Truly? If you truly wanted to be happy, you would figure it out.  I've lived in a car.  I've lived on couches that belong to friends.  I've begged for money for food.  I know exactly how to get from nothing to having a roof over your head and sometimes that requires us to ask for help from friends and family.  Only you can help you and sometimes you need to ask.  Suicide isn't an answer.  It's an end.  A finite end.  Why would you end your life over someone who doesn't care?  Go home.  Be with friends and family who care about you.  Learn to love again.  If you again leave to another country, make sure they're willing to put in the effort, which obviously this person wasn't. 

[SalishSea 16,774]

Please look after yourself.   This is not a healthy or safe situation.   You have received great advice on this thread.   I also want to point out that the UK consulate or embassy may be able to help you get home, if you choose to do that.

 

And PLEASE:   When you are is a safe situation, report the child porn to the police.   

[Diane and Chris 651]

9 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

A noncontributory post & reply have been removed.  Post constructively, or don't post.

Ok. However, it seems like almost everyone jumps on the VAWA bandwagon every time a marriage doesn’t work out. It’s about choices and I wish nothing but the best for OP in her journey. There are always some potholes along the way!  

[Boiler 43,438]

There was nothing VAWA ish in the initial posting.

[proudtobabritgirl 126]

One amazing thing about being from the UK, is that we have absolutely Incredible help should you ever need it. 

You need to get back to the UK for that safety net! Even if you have nothing when you get here, there's help for you with housing, getting back to work benefits, etc etc.

Its currently around £175 for a one way flight. Please try and get this together as best you can, that's the hard part right now, but you can do it. 

If I were you I would just come home.

You need to get out of this abusive situation as soon as possible.

Nothing is unfixable. 

[Ash.1101 1,755]

13 hours ago, NikLR said:

OP of course you have things to go home to.  You had friends as you stated and full time job.  If your friends won't help you, they weren't very good friends.  You can at least pick yourself back up again.  

 

I don't think you should stay in that house another minute if he's deviant in a way you aren't comfortable with.  Don't have sex with someone just to keep them wandering, if you don't love him why do you care if he has sex with other people?!  Let him go have sex with some rando and you can leave while he's at it.  Go to a DV shelter.  Ask for help from your friends, including the ones in the USA. 

 

Now here is the unkind part of what I have to say: You had so many red flags before you showed up and yet you still came and want to stay now and don't want to go home?  Did you come for the relationship? Truly? If you truly wanted to be happy, you would figure it out.  I've lived in a car.  I've lived on couches that belong to friends.  I've begged for money for food.  I know exactly how to get from nothing to having a roof over your head and sometimes that requires us to ask for help from friends and family.  Only you can help you and sometimes you need to ask.  Suicide isn't an answer.  It's an end.  A finite end.  Why would you end your life over someone who doesn't care?  Go home.  Be with friends and family who care about you.  Learn to love again.  If you again leave to another country, make sure they're willing to put in the effort, which obviously this person wasn't. 

I would like to piggy back on the don't have sex to keep him from wandering.

If you know he's cheating and you know he hasn't stopped, you're putting your own health at risk by having sex with him knowing he's sleeping around. He may be clean -NOW- but it doesn't mean he can't catch some STD and then you have sex with him thinking that it will satisfy him. Contrary to popular belief, it is not only a womans job to please her man and by doing so after knowing he's cheated, most likely confronting him about it, just will prove to him that no matter how bad things are for you, you're still going to give him what he wants and that's a controlling mindset you need to get away from. You do have power here, you just need to assert it, and don't feel embarrassed if you need to go home. We all mess up in life, it's a matter of if we let those mistakes define us or not. You can either be the trapped woman who lives in a bad marriage, or you can be the woman who got away from that marriage and became stronger because of what you had to endure.

Edited October 31, 2018 by TBoneTX
word changed to cleaner alternative

[dawning 212]

57 minutes ago, Boiler said:

There was nothing VAWA ish in the initial posting.

She wrote " He's told me if I speak to his family about anything he has done, he'll just throw me out and I'll end up getting deported. " 

 

Threatening a spouse is typically understood as abusive behavior.  She also writes about him being angry and giving her a hard time if she sees or calls people outside of the house, which fits with a pattern of controlling/abusive behavior.

 

I can't remember if there is also some specific language in the VAWA descriptions about using a victim's immigration status to threaten and control?

 

[K1visaHopeful 2,662]

1 hour ago, dawning said:

She wrote " He's told me if I speak to his family about anything he has done, he'll just throw me out and I'll end up getting deported. " 

 

Threatening a spouse is typically understood as abusive behavior.  She also writes about him being angry and giving her a hard time if she sees or calls people outside of the house, which fits with a pattern of controlling/abusive behavior.

 

I can't remember if there is also some specific language in the VAWA descriptions about using a victim's immigration status to threaten and control?

 

This is quoted directly from the IMBRA Pamplet:

 

"What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior when one intimate partner or spouse threatens or abuses the other partner. Abuse may include physical harm, forced sexual relations, emotional manipulation (including isolation or intimidation), economic and/or immigration related threats. While most recorded incidents of domestic violence involve men abusing women or children, men can also be victims of
domestic violence.
Domestic violence may include sexual assault, child abuse, and other violent crimes. Sexual assault is any type of sexual activity that you do not agree to, even with your spouse, and can be committed by anyone.
Child abuse includes: physical abuse (any injury that does not happen by accident, including excessive punishment), physical neglect (failure to provide food, shelter, medical care or supervision), sexual abuse, and emotional abuse (threats, withholding love, support or guidance)."

 

She has a valid case with VAWA.

Edited October 30, 2018 by K1visaHopeful

[dawning 212]

13 minutes ago, K1visaHopeful said:

This is quoted directly from the IMBRA Pamplet:

 

"What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior when one intimate partner or spouse threatens or abuses the other partner. Abuse may include physical harm, forced sexual relations, emotional manipulation (including isolation or intimidation), economic and/or immigration related threats. While most recorded incidents of domestic violence involve men abusing women or children, men can also be victims of
domestic violence.
Domestic violence may include sexual assault, child abuse, and other violent crimes. Sexual assault is any type of sexual activity that you do not agree to, even with your spouse, and can be committed by anyone.
Child abuse includes: physical abuse (any injury that does not happen by accident, including excessive punishment), physical neglect (failure to provide food, shelter, medical care or supervision), sexual abuse, and emotional abuse (threats, withholding love, support or guidance)."

 

She has a valid case with VAWA.

Thank you, I thought I remembered that language but wasn't sure.

 

I would say if she were a USC, and lived originally in the same city as her husband, their marriage would be borderline abusive.  But given that she immigrated and is entirely dependent on the husband and his family for support in the absence of AOS that would allow her to work, I would say that it is clearly abusive.

 

To the OP: I think it is clear that you DO qualify for VAWA, although the diminished conditions you have been living in since marriage may make showing a bona fide relationship difficult.  Someone else also mentioned a U Visa, which is for witnesses to crimes, due to the child pornography you have seen him possess.  You could also scrape up money to go home, which would be the easiest legally.  You have a lot of options to choose from.  Please don't give up.

[CEE53147 559]

20 hours ago, LostInUSA said:

I have nothing to go back to normal can I afford to do so. All my money has gone into moving here.

 

It's a bit hard to get money when you cannot legally work. I'd love to be able to work so I can get out of here, meet new people, and have a social life again.

 

Self AoS is a thing? No money and lack of evidence since wiping the card and locking everything down will make this very difficult.

I honestly believed, when I got here, that life would be awesome. That things would be great etc.. I was so wrong and I'm absolutely gutted. I hate myself for falling for all of this and going through with it all. I wish I knew everything I know now and saved a lot of time, money, and heartache.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions so far. I appreciate you all so much.

 

You have more family and friends there than here.  Contact the embassy to see if they have any resources to assist individuals in your circumstances. They may be able to refer you to a social service agency who can loan you funds for a ticket.

[TM92 527]

7 hours ago, Ash.1101 said:

I believe cartoon child porn is still considered child porn if the cartoons are depicted as being someone under 18

Are you referring to the Child Pornography Prevention Act of 1996 (CPPA)? CPPA specifically forbid both "virtual" child pornography and images of explicit sexual conduct by adults who resemble minors. In the 6–3 Ashcroft v. Free Speech Coalition ruling on April 16, 2002, SCOTUS upheld a lower court's ruling that CPPA was overbroad and unconstitutional: https://www.oyez.org/cases/2001/00-795

Edited October 30, 2018 by TM92

[TM92 527]

4 hours ago, NikLR said:

A finite end.

Unfortunately, sometimes its not (i.e. failed suicide attempt), and can result in serious injury.

[BananaButton5 175]

Can you start a go fund me account and see if friends or family are willing to secretly send you some money so you can at least get home and stay with someone you're close with? 

[Lemonslice 4,555]

1 hour ago, CEE53147 said:

 

You have more family and friends there than here.  Contact the embassy to see if they have any resources to assist individuals in your circumstances. They may be able to refer you to a social service agency who can loan you funds for a ticket.

Definitely seek out consular assistance.

[Ash.1101 1,755]

1 hour ago, TM92 said:

Are you referring to the Child Pornography Prevention Act of 1996 (CPPA)? CPPA specifically forbid both "virtual" child pornography and images of explicit sexual conduct by adults who resemble minors. In the 6–3 Ashcroft v. Free Speech Coalition ruling on April 16, 2002, SCOTUS upheld a lower court's ruling that CPPA was overbroad and unconstitutional: https://www.oyez.org/cases/2001/00-795

No I believe in this case it would be cartoons depicting actual children. Digitally editing an 18 year old to look 12 is legal, but I'm not 100% but drawing a clear 4 year old (or infant) in this act is still considered child porn. Again though, not 100%, and I do believe that part may vary by state.

Either way, if he has cartoons and links to various sites and images and has deleted his SD card to prevent his wife from telling people, there is a very good chance not all of them are covered and he probably has more stashed away. I would at least look into that if I were the OP (and in a safe place away from him).

Note though that this is the least of the OP's worries, but just from what she has said about him I could see him prey on someone again. Having a trump card like his pornography collection could help prevent other people from becoming trapped in the same situation.

Edited October 30, 2018 by Ash.1101