Step Kids Not Accepting Step Mom

[Fe.Ta 858]

A lot of people have offered a ton of great advice.  I believe you will need to consider everything that has been suggested and arrive at your ultimate solution.  I would definitely take the time of the 90 days to get a stronger relationship between all involved in the unit, especially both of you.

I would like to point out a couple of observations for you to consider as well.  Please take them as respectfully as possible and I am making them from a caring place - not trying to judge.
 

• From other posts and comments you have made, it appears your relationship has had many struggles in the last three years.  You also mentioned in other posts that it appears she has past experiences (baggage) that are not allowing her to communicate properly with you or trust you.  I get it.  We all have baggage and we always have to check it each time we cross the doorway into a new relationship.  However, it appears in three years she has not made a ton of progress in communicating and trusting you.  While being able to build this from abroad and in a long distance relationship is hard, there has to be some foundation built during that time before you go through the immigration process.  Otherwise, as you step into the USA immigration journey, it will prove even more difficult because she will not trust you to "not throw her out of the USA" and you won't trust her to not just flee, especially if she is threatening you with it.
• Having family involved within the household can be a tricky situation, especially if there were trivial details missed that were important to communicate like telling your kids about her arrival or discussing with her expectations, etc.  That is water under the bridge.  The person in the middle between both parties will normally have the most stress about this topic because you are trying to keep the peace.  But, you need to figure out your boundaries with her, with your children, and with yourself.  Again, this involves communication.
• You all need to manage your expectations.  She might have some, you might have some, your kids might have some, so you will need to have conversations about what they all are, what is attainable now versus in the future, what is not attainable at all, etc.  If expectations are not managed, you will all be disappointed all the time now and in the future because no one will ever be/do "good enough" for one another.  A person's mind is very powerful and sometimes expectations are insanely high.
• Cultural shock does exist, but it is not an excuse.  Yes, she came into another country with no one except you.  BUT, you cannot be nor should you be ALL for her.  She needs to be aware that you are also a son, a father, a sibling, a cousin, an employee, etc.  Likewise, she is also a lot of things for a lot of people and she should continue to nurture the existing relationships and develop new ones.  One thing is for the immigrant to depend on you because it is normal and there are certain restrictions versus creating an emotional/psychological codependency, which is not healthy.  As others have pointed out, find her things to do like hobbies, activities, etc.  Not only will it help you with the pressure.  But, the more she has to do, or obtains here, the more she will start being independent herself and develop some roots.
• Seek help or therapy if you are unable to figure out things on your on.  But, you do need to talk it out.  Issues will not resolve overnight and a marriage is built, so you never stop learning and adjusting.  However, if there is no communication or resolution to the issues, it will go downhill.  Some issues are not resolved in a single sitting and it just takes commitment and acknowledgement to slowly work on this together.  But, you both will need to WANT to do it and ACTUALLY do it.
• Try to look at individual issues first.  It sounds like she needs to resolve some things she is not over before she can continue to build something with you.  All of it can happen simultaneously.  However, you both need to work on your individual baggage, your relationship, AND that with your children.  While the parenting should be left to you, she needs to know the role she took on when she decided to be in a relationship with you.  She needs to be committed to the children just like she is committed to you.

 

I am sure I can continue to speak for ages.  But, I hope this gives you other things to think about it.  The good thing about relationships (friendships, family, lovers, etc.) is that they can always improve if both parties are committed to doing the work.  It might not be easy, but it is not impossible.

[Adventine 3,187]

The legendary tampo strikes again...

 

I'm a Filipina. Born and raised in the Philippines. Lived there for 30 years before moving to the States. I'm 34, so only a couple of years older than your fiancee. 

 

She actually threatened to leave you in front of your kids? 

 

That's beyond tampo. It's toxic. It's disrespectful to you and destabilizing to the entire family. A mature, stable Filipina won't do that in front of your kids. It's a clear play to make you choose between her and them. She's creating drama and emotional blackmail so that she gets her way.

 

You mention she has kids of her own. Any plans to petition them? Because the power plays are going to be much worse when her bio kids arrive in the US.

 

Go to family therapy, and if she doesn't improve, seriously reconsider your plans to marry. 

 

 

Edited May 31, 2023 by Adventine

[Marieke H 2,343]

Immigrating to a new country is hard enough, and becoming a stepparent on top of that can be tough. It probably doesn't help that she had to leave her own children behind to now be a stepparent to your children. I can only imagine how much she is struggling, and she really needs your support to start building a relationship with your children. 

 

When I moved here, I became a stepmother of an 8 year old girl. It was a huge change, and it took a lot of hard work to build a relationship with her, also because deep down she was hoping that her parents would get back together and me marrying her dad made it very clear that that was not going to happen. It takes a lot of time, patience, hard work, and honest conversations to successfully build your blended family, and you have a very important role in it as you try to support and encourage everyone to connect. I agree that getting out of the house and doing activities together are a great way for them to start bonding. My stepdaughter and I went on tons of bike rides together, which were great opportunities to get to know each other better.

Edited May 31, 2023 by Marieke H

[Fe.Ta 858]

@Kawika & Michelle @Ontarkie

Respect looks different for everyone.  Even people that come from the same country/culture can have different ideas of what is respectful or disrespectful versus not.  So, when you add the fact that you DO come from different countries, cultures, or BOTH, there are some adjustments that need to happen on both sides.

I cannot speak into that side of the world either.  However, here is some insight that is both funny and helpful, maybe?

Both my husband and I are Hispanics, but we come from different countries.  Argentina is very different from Puerto Rico.  Both countries can cuss like a sailor, but there are some that could be hardcore/offensive for me (or him).  Obviously, we were not going to dive into all of them.  But, over the decades we had known each other, we had to figure out which ones we were going to let slide versus which ones were a DEFINITELY NOT.  Otherwise, we would have been either arguing all the time or we would have had to change both of our lingos and that is not fun.  Likewise, there are certain manners that are different.  But, again, we had to pick out battles.  Key = Communication and Compromise.

Now for the funny part:

I have been in the USA long enough to know a lot of jargon from different Hispanic cultures.  My parents, while they have been here the same time, stuck to Puertorican Spanish and broken English.  These blessed souls live with us.  My then fiancé arrived and three days into his USA journey he wakes up, goes to the kitchen, and finds coffee with breakfast and a note that reads, "take as much as you would like" (in Puertorican Spanish).  In horror, he comes back to our room to ask me why my mother would dare to write such a thing.  Of course, I don't know what he is talking about, so I go to the kitchen.  I kid you not I cried out of laughter.  In Argentinian Spanish, the note read, "f--k as much as you want".  My parents were gone from the house, so to him it made perfect context as well.  HAHAHA

[Kawika & Michelle 108]

4 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

The 8 yr old I can see having some issues sharing you. Of course now that the newness has worn off she wants life as it was. You're going to have to go the extra mile with the youngest. I know you're spread thin as it is but you will find a way. It seems pretty common with some from the PI to have more issues with children from a previous marriage then others. 

 

My relationship with my youngest hasn't changed per say. We still spend time together. I still show her the same level of love & affection I always have. I guess the main issue for her may be that my fiancé is encroaching on what used to be her space. After their mom left, my youngest still slept in the bed with me, used my ex's closet and we shared the master bathroom. She eventually moved in to her own room...but there were still occasions when she would sleep in my bed and she always got ready for school in the master bathroom (she still does). This is largely because all of my kids are selfish to some degree. Even when my ex was here our youngest got ready with us while my oldest daughter used the guest bathroom and our son primarily used the half bath (other than for showers). They all get upset if any of the others use "their" designated toilets. So much so that even in the middle of the night...my youngest would still walk all the way across the house to come in & use the master bathroom toilet instead of the guest bathroom right next to her room.

 

My fiancé has already expressed that she is jealous when she sees how I interact with my daughter and somehow feels that I don't give her the same level of love. From my perspective...I think she overlooks the simple fact that our relationships are very different. My daughter is always loving & caring towards me...so it is just natural and easy for me to be the same way with her. But with my fiancé & I...we occasionally have to go through our ups & downs so there may be times when one of us may be hurt and that level of love that my daughter always gets may not be available right away. When my fiancé gets upset...she gets vicious...like no holds barred...will say anything she can to hurt you type of thing. I'm a very patient & slow to anger type of person...so when she tries to hurt me when she feels like I hurt her...she keeps escalating things because I am not giving her the response that she wants. It's not uncommon for her to escalate things to the point where she is swearing at me, throwing insults at me, telling me how bad of a partner I am, threatening to leave and most recently threatened to harm herself if I wasn't going to pay for her to go home right away. While I don't outwardly show her that I am hurt, it does take its toll over time and I need some time to realize that she was just hurt & lashing out.

 

22 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

I'm hate the Ms First name bull as I do not see it as a respect thing. Its a power/control thing. Respect is earned it is not a given.  That is another difference between me and some of these southerners. I'm in Arkansas and boy oh boy the culture shock.  Do they call all of your  friends by Ms/Mr Name? If so then no big deal but if it is just your fiancé and just now then ya that's another wedge.  My four have always called their step dad by his first name. It's not a lack of respect it is his name. They also use all my friends first names. Again if this is not new in your life then no big deal,  if it is then ya another wedge. Do you expect them to call her Mrs first name once you're married? I have never seen a family where the step mom goes by Ms/Mrs that is just weird.

 

I think this is just a cultural & an age thing. I'm 50...so I'm sure I grew up in a different time than most. I never even knew my parent's names for most of my life as a kid lol. They were simply mom & dad. My relatives were Uncle FirstName, Aunt FirstName, Grandpa, Grandma, Oma & Opa, etc. I grew up in a time when your parents weren't your "friends"...they were adults...and your parents. When I was a kid...I would personally feel disrespectful if I was to refer to an adult by their first name alone. But that's just a function of how all of us were brought up. As far as the future goes...we haven't really thought about it. I thought it was more important to give the kids time to call her what made them most comfortable while still being respectful. I think I will leave that between my fiancé & the kids. I'd hope that at some point they would feel comfortable enough to refer to her as mom or some derivative of that...but that's not something I will ever expect or force them to do. While you may feel it is weird...I would feel the same level of weirdness to not do it. Even for just a teacher...I could never imagine just referring to them by their first name unless I was close to the same age as them...and still I would at least be respectful enough to recognize their position of authority. Even growing up my friends & I referred to one another's parents by Mr/Mrs LastName. 

 

33 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

I will not touch what the culture of the PI is as I have no clue. But from the little bit here and there I read I call bull of kids there being more respectful. Your fiancé has already shown her lack of respect with her temper tantrums to get her way. So how would kids being raised to act like that be better behaved then US kids. Ok ya I guess I did touch the culture thing.

 

For a chance at enlightenment, the Philippines teaches a tradition called "Mano Po" where anyone of a younger age presents themselves to the older people in the room...grabbing their hands & placing their hand to their foreheads while saying "Mano Po". It basically translates to "Bless me Sir/Ma'am". They are an Asian culture where in general the older generations are simply much more respected than in other cultures where you must "earn" respect first. I grew up in Hawai'i with a lot of Asian blood in me, so that type of respect is natural to me. My kids were just brought up differently...and while we have tried our best to course correct it over time...it still hasn't caught on yet. It isn't uncommon for my older kids to just walk into the room without acknowledging the existence of anyone else there...including my ex & I as their parents. So yes...you can blame us there for that one. If my kids had grown up around my family...things would have been different...

 

39 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

They will all come together with time, the youngest needs to feel secure she is not losing you. Go out of your way, to make sure she knows, but at the same time don't make your fiancé feel like a third wheel. It is hard and you will make mistakes but just keep trying and you can get through it. I agree it is most likely your fiancé's reactions that trigger your youngest to feel insecure. Plenty of hugs and love you to her will help too.

 

I hear you & totally understand. I'm doing the best I can  

[African Zealot 1,453]

4 hours ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

Hey Folks...

 

Our wedding is supposed to be in less than two weeks...and I am sitting here wondering if having a wedding is a smart thing to do at this point. I feel like I am literally sitting between two high school girls fighting for my attention...as if my love & affection has limits and I can't love them both as my future wife & my daughter. 

 

Any insight, guidance or past experience would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks...

 

Kawika

Don’t be in denial. Kaput that wedding pronto. After that Spend some time trying to get to a happy place with all, if that doesn’t happen you have some hard choices to make.

 

Personally I think your fiancée gotta go, not because a person can’t cut off their kids but because she’s abandoned you a few times. She’s not 100% into it, I am not a fan of people who bail when the going gets tough particularly in situations (like stepmom stepchild situations) where it is expected that things will get tough.

 

My $0.02

[Adventine 3,187]

11 minutes ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

 

 When my fiancé gets upset...she gets vicious...like no holds barred...will say anything she can to hurt you type of thing. I'm a very patient & slow to anger type of person...so when she tries to hurt me when she feels like I hurt her...she keeps escalating things because I am not giving her the response that she wants. It's not uncommon for her to escalate things to the point where she is swearing at me, throwing insults at me, telling me how bad of a partner I am, threatening to leave and most recently threatened to harm herself if I wasn't going to pay for her to go home right away. While I don't outwardly show her that I am hurt, it does take its toll over time and I need some time to realize that she was just hurt & lashing out.

 

 

I think this is just a cultural & an age thing. 

 

This is not a culture or age thing. This is abuse.

 

How do you think she's going to talk to your kids when you're away and once she's secured her green card?

[Lemonslice 4,611]

"they were not told that this woman would be in their home". 

....

Seriously?  How did you think it was a good "surprise".  It's not a new TV.   I think it's disrespectful to your kids, and your wife. I hope they are more forgiving than I am, because I'm really upset. 

 

I hope things get better, but maybe some outside counseling to help you navigate the changes.  I mean, I've looked into how to introduce a new cat to mines, and prepared them for weeks - and you seem so careless with your "loved ones".  I still can't believe it.

Edited May 31, 2023 by Lemonslice

[Kawika & Michelle 108]

35 minutes ago, Adventine said:

She actually threatened to leave you in front of your kids? 

Not directly in front of them per say...but we were staying in a suite with two bedrooms in the Philippines...so when she left...they would become aware of her absence. We have never fought in front of my kids. I simply wouldn't do that or allow it.

 

37 minutes ago, Adventine said:

That's beyond tampo. It's toxic. It's disrespectful to you and destabilizing to the entire family. A mature, stable Filipina won't do that in front of your kids. It's a clear play to make you choose between her and them. She's creating drama and emotional blackmail so that she gets her way.

On some level I have thought about this as she is the only Filipina I have dated and we all see the videos online talking about how wonderful Filipinas can be...but in the same respect I know enough about her background to know why she acts the way she does. She has had some severe trauma in her life including being in an abusive relationship with her only other partner (both physically & emotionally), she has been abused by her family both physically & emotionally, she has been told by her own family members that she is ugly & worthless, she willingly gave up her oldest son because he wanted to be with his father & his family (they spoiled the oldest son), she has been through the loss of a stillborn child, etc. I only bring these things up to kind of give you the depth of the damage that she's experienced in her life & has not fully recovered from it. Sure if I wanted an easier road...I could certainly abandon her like everyone else has done in her life to find someone "better" or I can stay and help her through these hurdles in her life. For me at least...I feel like God has shown me who she can be & not just who she is now. I think what she does is primarily out of fear. She knows that I could find someone "better", "prettier" or whatever if I wanted to...I have all of the "6"s that most women here in the US are looking for...I just don't want them. So in my fiancé's mind...it is easier for her to run away from me & be the one to break us up than to take the risk of having her heart broken yet again. I know it's not healthy...but this is who I am with...and I am not just going to abandon her if she is willing to fight for us.

 

46 minutes ago, Adventine said:

You mention she has kids of her own. Any plans to petition them? Because the power plays are going to be much worse when her bio kids arrive in the US.

The oldest doesn't want to come and she has already allowed him to stay with his father's family...so we have no plans to petition for him unless he changes his mind. Her youngest will be coming on the follow to join program. I already knew that she would have a hard time adjusting to life here as well as adjusting to being a wife, step mom, etc...so I felt it was best for her son to remain behind until we got settled here first. We second guessed this choice a few times...but ultimately we decided against it in the end. Her son is at the age where he needs almost 24/7 attention so I knew that if he was here that she would not have time for anything or anyone else. We also needed time to make the house safer for him as I am sure that he will be curious and wanting to get into every possible thing that he can here. It's been awhile since we've had a young child that I've had to really keep my eye on constantly...so we needed that time to get our home ready. I also wanted the extra time to set our marital foundation before we added his dynamic into the mix. I am still supporting her mom & her son while he is there.

[Kawika & Michelle 108]

16 minutes ago, Adventine said:

This is not a culture or age thing. This is abuse.

This comment was in reference to something else & is being taken out of context. This is in relation to how we have our children address adults.

 

17 minutes ago, Adventine said:

How do you think she's going to talk to your kids when you're away and once she's secured her green card?

If I thought for one second she was a truly mean person, I would have ended the relationship long ago.

 

15 minutes ago, Lemonslice said:

Seriously?  How did you think it was a good "surprise".  It's not a new TV.   I think it's disrespectful to your kids, and your wife. I hope they are more forgiving than I am, because I'm really upset. 

As I had explained previously...the kids were formally introduced to her in person in March. They knew of her existence well before then and that we were on the K1 immigration process. This is not just like a brand new person randomly showed up in their house. They were told in March that based on our speculation and what little everyone knew of the timelines that she would be living with us no later than June. As luck would have it...it moved up a couple of weeks from what we had all planned. Granted...I could have & should have explained every step of the process for them...but I didn't...and it cannot be undone. 

 

No one had an unkind word to say about her & everyone got along during our trip to meet her & her family. There were no red flags that made me feel that any of my children needed any additional conversations regarding the situation. If I had noticed any issues between my children & my fiancé...we would have addressed it immediately and if it could not have been resolved...then we would not have moved forward with our relationship.

[Adventine 3,187]

Just because she was abused in the past, doesn't give her the right to abuse you too. 

 

You also deserve someone who values you, meaning treats you and your kids respectfully, without insulting you, making threats, telling you how bad a partner you are, threatening to harm herself, etc.

 

By your own admission, this is not a healthy relationship.

 

If you're not familiar with the term "sunk cost fallacy", I encourage you to look it up. 

 

[AfroKing 48]

OP, this is not an immigration issue......You have 90 days to walk down the aisle, that's the part that concerns immigration.

 

Now, for your own good, ignore all relationship advises here, that's why counsellors and therapists exist. Consult one and they will help you make a life long decisions from a neutral angle;they are trained for that. There different folks here, from different background and each will give you advises based on who they are and what they feel is right, you will be doing yourself a lot of harm taking some of these. 

 

Stick to visa journey for immigration related steps ONLY............IMO

 

[Redro 4,602]

1 hour ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

My fiancé has already expressed that she is jealous when she sees how I interact with my daughter and somehow feels that I don't give her the same level of love. From my perspective...I think she overlooks the simple fact that our relationships are very different. My daughter is always loving & caring towards me...so it is just natural and easy for me to be the same way with her. But with my fiancé & I...we occasionally have to go through our ups & downs so there may be times when one of us may be hurt and that level of love that my daughter always gets may not be available right away. When my fiancé gets upset...she gets vicious...like no holds barred...will say anything she can to hurt you type of thing. I'm a very patient & slow to anger type of person...so when she tries to hurt me when she feels like I hurt her...she keeps escalating things because I am not giving her the response that she wants. It's not uncommon for her to escalate things to the point where she is swearing at me, throwing insults at me, telling me how bad of a partner I am, threatening to leave and most recently threatened to harm herself if I wasn't going to pay for her to go home right away. While I don't outwardly show her that I am hurt, it does take its toll over time and I need some time to realize that she was just hurt & lashing out. -Grown adult women should be able to control their feelings of jealousy towards an 8 year old. You might be able to realize she is just hurt & lashing out but will your children be able to realize the same thing? Is it fair to your children to have an adult fight them for their dad's affection? She should be doing everything to try and build relationships with your children. They should not be the ones forced to make the majority of concessions (IMO). 

 

 

42 minutes ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

Not directly in front of them per say...but we were staying in a suite with two bedrooms in the Philippines...so when she left...they would become aware of her absence. We have never fought in front of my kids. I simply wouldn't do that or allow it. And what about after you are married and she goes against your wishes? She is a grown adult. You cannot control her. She hasn't been around your children for that long so fighting in front of them is not a given. Although I wonder what you call her storming out on you and having your 8 year old beg her to come back... 

 

 

32 minutes ago, Kawika & Michelle said:

As I had explained previously...the kids were formally introduced to her in person in March. They knew of her existence well before then and that we were on the K1 immigration process. This is not just like a brand new person randomly showed up in their house. They were told in March that based on our speculation and what little everyone knew of the timelines that she would be living with us no later than June. As luck would have it...it moved up a couple of weeks from what we had all planned. Granted...I could have & should have explained every step of the process for them...but I didn't...and it cannot be undone. The children were only introduced to her in March. You might have been in a relationship with her for 3 years but there relationship is still very new. Especially because she was on an entirely different continent and not in their every day life. You need to give it some time and I would delay the wedding and work on the relationships. 

 

 But, I second the suggestions you go to Family Therapy. Though I'm not sure she will agree to going to therapy... 

Also, not a parent. But, I think you should put your children first. Especially your youngest (the older two have a lot more autonomy and freedom and can leave the house when things get tense). You don't want to teach your youngest child that your new wife comes first and tantrums, hiding in your room, and the silent treatment are tolerated in relationships. It might seem like you introduced her slowly to your children but in a perfect world if she lived in the US. It would be a slow build of activities outside the house for a few months maybe even years before you all moved in together. Instead a new person has just suddenly appeared in their home occupying a lot of their father's time and usurping your youngest's bathroom. 

 

ETA: If you do not believe in divorce. I would definitely delay the wedding. But, immigration wise this might not be smart if you are still hoping for AP for you wife-to-be to go over to pick up her son after his visa is issued. 

Edited June 1, 2023 by Redro

[Family 3,560]

21 minutes ago, AfroKing said:

Now, for your own good, ignore all relationship advises here, that's why counsellors and therapists

Talk therapy/counseling is not a cure all and complete bust for many.

 

Talking through issues ( be it on VJ / the modern digital socializing..or with friends or any other humans) is actually very healthy. 
 

And it’s very much an immigration issue…as some decisions don’t come easily in 90 days or less.
 

 

[Calicolom 265]

4 hours ago, Family said:

Postpone the wedding. ..as long as you need to.

Teens = Emotional Terrorists and you are a good Dad and Awesome Benevolent Ruler of the Living Room.

 

Your  partner is a bit immature without realistic expectations of stepping into role of step mom.
Talk it out , figure out YOUR boundaries..cause her threats of “leaving” and complaining to you instead of slowly figuring out a healthy interaction with each child …IS / WILL BE a never ending stressor.

I was married to women with children, I never wanted to be DADY. I understood raising someone else child, was a thankless job. I was prepared for I AM GOING TO TELL MY DADY. You not my dady.