My husband is cheating me

[chiggins82 87]

I just found out that for the past 3 years, my husband has been chasing on me with another person, long distance and outside the US. 

 

I'm not looking for advice around immigration, but I had nowhere to turn for advice. I'm totally alone here and I'm scared to call my family because I don't know what to do.

 

I just uncovered this this morning. I don't know everything, but there are email exchanges going back 3 years. Love letters, he sent her gifts, he spends the day on Skype with her when I'm out of town. He emailed everyday how much he loves her. Sounds a while lot like how we emailed when we were dating.

 

I have nowhere to go right now and I don't know what to do. He says he wants to stay with me and work it out. Where do I begin

[Cheschirecat 176]

27 minutes ago, chiggins82 said:

I just found out that for the past 3 years, my husband has been chasing on me with another person, long distance and outside the US. 

 

I'm not looking for advice around immigration, but I had nowhere to turn for advice. I'm totally alone here and I'm scared to call my family because I don't know what to do.

 

I just uncovered this this morning. I don't know everything, but there are email exchanges going back 3 years. Love letters, he sent her gifts, he spends the day on Skype with her when I'm out of town. He emailed everyday how much he loves her. Sounds a while lot like how we emailed when we were dating.

 

I have nowhere to go right now and I don't know what to do. He says he wants to stay with me and work it out. Where do I begin

You have to decide if you want to work it out or not, first. 

[JeanneAdil 6,191]

first try marriage counseling

[debbiedoo 2,339]

Only you know what you want to do. No one here can make that decision for you. I could tell you what I would do, but you are not me.

 

I am sorry you are going through this, truly I am.

[chiggins82 87]

3 hours ago, debbiedoo said:

Only you know what you want to do. No one here can make that decision for you. I could tell you what I would do, but you are not me.

 

I am sorry you are going through this, truly I am.

Yeah I get that. I think I'm reaching out because honestly I feel like I can't tell my friends back home and I don't have anyone in the US that I feel I can trust. 

 

He is begging for forgiveness and I just don't know where to start. 

 

This just f*cking sucks.

[debbiedoo 2,339]

1 hour ago, chiggins82 said:

Yeah I get that. I think I'm reaching out because honestly I feel like I can't tell my friends back home and I don't have anyone in the US that I feel I can trust. 

 

He is begging for forgiveness and I just don't know where to start. 

 

This just f*cking sucks.

I wish I had the answer for you. Forgiveness (for me) might be granted if it had been a one night stand kind of thing. maybe. probably not, but maybe. But an ongoing affair? No. BUT... that is just me. If you need a friend who wont pass judgement (i AM opinionated though LOL) just send me a message and we can connect. I have never been cheated on, but my husbands ex wife did (long term) so... I can sympathize with what you are going through (somewhat), as I know how it affected him. ((((hugs))))

[little immigrant 800]

He's begging for forgiveness but he still loves the other woman though? 

[laylalex 7,247]

I'm not here either to tell you what to do, or not. These are very personal issues that depend SO much on the people involved -- you, him and the other woman. But I do know that sometimes a marriage is worth fighting for -- and sometimes it's not. For me, honesty and openness are the bedrock of marriage, as much as love is, and sometimes even more. There are days when you may not feel like you love your spouse as much as you should, but without honesty the love is hard to maintain. I have to say, an ongoing multiyear affair for me would be a dealbreaker, much more than a one night stand, or a brief fling that was firmly over when I found out about it. Something short-lived can be the kind of mistake that also shows that there is remorse and recognition that this is wrong. Just as an example, I recently found out a good friend is cheating on his wife. He is not willing to end the affair, and his wife is saying that counselling will fix everything. I don't think it will if two people want diametrically opposed things -- one wants a monogamous husband, and the other wants his wife and his girlfriend -- and neither is willing to budge.

 

When you find out things like this, it feels like your life is going to end -- the axis of the earth is off kilter, nothing looks right even though superficially to outsiders everything looks the same. My ex walked out on me and when he did, I felt like life never would be the same again. Actually, that was correct -- life is different now without him, but significantly better, because I chose to make it better. If -- if! -- you choose to move on, trust that you will live. Even if you don't, it's time to gather your team together -- friends and family, wherever they may be -- and lean on them as hard as you need. I couldn't have made it without mine. You deserve happiness -- and if this isn't what happiness looks like, you can find it elsewhere. ❤️ 

[zochu 255]

I don't forgive people who cheat.

 

My ex cheated on me. Begged for forgiveness. Turned out to be a serial liar and cheater. Probably also a narcissist.

 

If you can forgive him, be prepared for it to happen again. 

 

I might sound completely salty and negative but I learned the hard way - never let an old flame burn you twice.

 

The best thing you can do right now is focus on YOU. 

 

Join a sport (I joined Karate). No haircuts. If you need a friend, PM me. I'm not in the US but I can offer some support from afar. 

 

 

EDIT:

Also, what happened with my ex ended up leading me to get a new job which is how I met my now husband. You got this. 

Edited November 25, 2019 by zochu

[Cheschirecat 176]

4 hours ago, chiggins82 said:

Yeah I get that. I think I'm reaching out because honestly I feel like I can't tell my friends back home and I don't have anyone in the US that I feel I can trust. 

 

He is begging for forgiveness and I just don't know where to start. 

 

This just f*cking sucks.

Add up pros and cons... I have a feeling the cons outweigh the pros. We’re there  other red flags before this info came to light? Why wouldn’t you want to talk with family or 1 very close nonjudgmental friend? We can all tell you what we  would or wouldn’t do, but honestly no one knows what they would do until it happens to them. It takes a long time to build trust and an even longer time to build a broken trust. 

[Nitas_man 3,100]

9 hours ago, chiggins82 said:

I just found out that for the past 3 years, my husband has been chasing on me with another person, long distance and outside the US. 

 

I'm not looking for advice around immigration, but I had nowhere to turn for advice. I'm totally alone here and I'm scared to call my family because I don't know what to do.

 

I just uncovered this this morning. I don't know everything, but there are email exchanges going back 3 years. Love letters, he sent her gifts, he spends the day on Skype with her when I'm out of town. He emailed everyday how much he loves her. Sounds a while lot like how we emailed when we were dating.

 

I have nowhere to go right now and I don't know what to do. He says he wants to stay with me and work it out. Where do I begin

If he’s truly remorseful maybe your marriage can be salvaged.  You two need to see a professional.  
Many couples make it through things like this.

[implife 318]

5 hours ago, chiggins82 said:

 

He is begging for forgiveness and I just don't know where to start. 

It's your call, but keep in mind that if he cheated once, he will cheat again.

[Eric&Mirella 367]

If you want to talk to someone. I’m here for it. I honestly have been through something similar in the past and I’ve learned a lot. 

[bakphx1 785]

Well, I’ve lived long enough to know family and friends in the same situation.  You probably won’t be able to forgive him.  It’s one thing to know about an affair.  If you’ve read the love letters and emails, those are emblazoned in your mind now.  And realistically you probably won’t forget them or put them out of your mind any time you’re with him.  It seems from my (unscientific) observation that it makes the difference to have seen it with your own eyes.  Especially going over a period of time.

 

Does the other woman know he’s married?   If she’s under the impression he’s single, I would remedy that as she has the right to know the facts to decide her own life.  If she knows, then I guess she’ll get all she deserves.

 

You certainly can try counseling but as stated above you will end up going through motions and splitting up anyway.  
 

Just first get centered with all the support you can find,  and make sure you watch out for yourself first from this point on.  Don’t do anything out of frustration or anger, just be smart.  
 

 

[R&OC 349]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. And I am so sorry you feel you can't include anyone within your closest circle family and friends to help you out. As a mother, even if I disagree with my daughters choices and have tried to speak reason into her, I would still want to hug her and be there for her if she needs me. You must have your reasons for excluding this option.

 

It seems you want to keep up the front of a happy marriage until you have come to a decision. This is a lot of weight on your shoulders.

 

My question is: Does your relationship have a solid foundation to be rebuild on? I have seen couples being able to move on and others fail. Those who move on create a marriage 2.0 - as in starting from scratch again as if you start dating another person with clean slate /blank canvas approach. But do you actually love your husband? In order to make this work, you will have to go through a lot of emotional work. Are you willing to do it?

 

I am sending you a hug and tons of energy!