My husband is cheating me

[Sandra G. 5,016]

6 hours ago, chiggins82 said:

So this is what I've found out. The woman lives in Canada and he's never met her. Shes younger, but not young... like 27? (We're in our late 30s). I had about an hour to read the emails I found... there wasn't really anything that jumped out that told me she knew we were married, but he says she knew. He said he met her before we started dating and cut ties with her then.... and then in 2016 (about a year after I moved) she reached out to him. He said it was first because he was into things sexually that he didn't think I would be into (he never talked to me about that), but then he started getting involved more and more. They email every day. He would talk to her while he walked our dog and after I fell asleep.

 

Up until this, I thought was had a an extremely solid relationship. We didn't fight. We rarely argued. We talked every day... but I could tell he had been pulling away and he'd shut down if I wanted to talk about that. Anything to do with his feelings beyond the more superficial ones. I knew he was stressed at work an thought he might be going through a bit of a crisis (like, am I doing what I want, do I like my life, etc.) The past few months though, I noticed the bigger signs.. hiding his phone when I walked by, typing a lot and saying he was looking at articles... I knew he was lying.. 

 

but the bombshell is THREE YEARS and you're absolutely right. He never ended it. He never confessed to me. I had to catch him and only now he wants to work on things. I'm furious. I told him he could leave and decide what he wants to do, or he could break it off now and block her from communicating again... so he did that.

 

I've been cheated on before. I don't know now if we were solid enough to move past this. I would have thought so until yesterday. Now I question it. I've loved my life with him. He's my best friend. I'm scared to tell my family and friends because if I decide to choose to make an attempt at overcoming this, I don't think they would ever accept him again. Plus I feel like it's humiliating because it feels like I failed. I guess, I feel like I am dealing with so much pain right now, I don't think I can handle also dealing with my family.

 

Last night we slept in different rooms and I avoided him. I tried to pack up some things and he broke down crying, he got in front of my car and begged me to stay..

 

So now, we're both at work for the day. I could pack up before he gets home. Or he said if I needed, he would leave.

 

I think what I'm most confused about is that I don't know how much time to give this before I decide anything? Like should I rush right into kicking him out, or should we just get a counselor? I have EAP at work... Maybe I should just talk to someone on my own. I don't want to make decisions out of anger, but I don't want to not do anything. Right now, I feel numb. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anger right now, I don't feel sad... I just know that something needs to happen and I don't know what.

 

I guess the lucky thing for me, we both have good jobs. I have the means to leave if I need. We don't have kids, just a dog..

 

 

 

My dear he is sorry because he was caught not because he did some soul- search and decided I have to tell my wife my wrongdoings. If you didn't find out last night you know that tonight  he would be still chatting with her. He has zero RESPECT  for you.  If I was in your shoes his sh@#!$ was on the streets last night.

Edited November 25, 2019 by sandranj

[chiggins82 87]

I am reading all the responses, thank you so, so, so much for making me feel a bit less alone right now. 

 

I called my EAP and they are sending me out a list. I managed to clear a good chunk of my calendar at work because honestly, I am not functioning right now.

 

I'm planning to tell my husband to stay somewhere else until after Thanksgiving and then I will let him know what I want/need next. In the meantime, I'm reading a book and some articles the EAP people recommended. There is no way I am going to thanksgiving and he knows that. 

 

I'm so devastated. I'm so grateful for all of you.

 

I don't know if I want to consider reconciling or not. I told him I would consider it and he said that he ended it. I will talk to a counselor first and hopefully get some perspective on things. It's so hard to hear people say that he is only sorry because he was caught... and I know it's true. He had 1000 days to deal with this and he didn't. I never knew how truly selfish and immature he could be. I'm hoping he will accept and respect my decisions and walk away until I'm ready... I am fully expecting he won't.

 

It's really hard not to feel worthless from all this. I know I'm not, but it's keeps popping into my head. I hate that I have to be alone. I wish I had somewhere to go. I thought about going myself, but I don't want to lose the comfort of my home because of him. Why should I be any more uncomfortable??

[TBoneTX 43,156]

19 hours ago, chiggins82 said:

He's my best friend.

Friends of any kind don't treat others like he's treated you.

10 hours ago, chiggins82 said:

Why should I be any more uncomfortable??

You've just answered all your own questions.

 

Abuse

Addictions

Affairs

   The "AAA" are the basic deal-breakers of any relationship.  The offenders can promise to change, but the changes may not endure.

   Break it off, recover, and give yourself time to meet someone who's worthy of you and who will appreciate you.

Edited November 26, 2019 by TBoneTX

[Ontarkie 13,918]

I'm happy you're reaching out to for help. That is a big step and you need a way to vent and clear your mind. 

 

My experience with online emotional cheating. The cheater never really thinks it is cheating and they use that as an excuse that it wasn't really cheating. Only problem is they aren't the ones being hurt by that cheating.

 

If there is any sort of going forward it will take a lot of work from him. He needs to admit it is all his fault and no you never have to forgive him or get over it. He did it and he needs to earn your trust back. That is IF you decide to try again and I would only try if he took marriage counseling serious. Many times (ive been here) it's all roses for a month or 3 or what ever it was he's trying to convince everyone he's changed then BAM! Right back at it. Go to therapy go on your own and with him and truly listen to your therapist and your gut. If anything seems off it probably is. Even if in the end you don't take him back it will help you. 

[Cheschirecat 176]

On 11/25/2019 at 4:26 PM, chiggins82 said:

I am reading all the responses, thank you so, so, so much for making me feel a bit less alone right now. 

 

I called my EAP and they are sending me out a list. I managed to clear a good chunk of my calendar at work because honestly, I am not functioning right now.

 

I'm planning to tell my husband to stay somewhere else until after Thanksgiving and then I will let him know what I want/need next. In the meantime, I'm reading a book and some articles the EAP people recommended. There is no way I am going to thanksgiving and he knows that. 

 

I'm so devastated. I'm so grateful for all of you.

 

I don't know if I want to consider reconciling or not. I told him I would consider it and he said that he ended it. I will talk to a counselor first and hopefully get some perspective on things. It's so hard to hear people say that he is only sorry because he was caught... and I know it's true. He had 1000 days to deal with this and he didn't. I never knew how truly selfish and immature he could be. I'm hoping he will accept and respect my decisions and walk away until I'm ready... I am fully expecting he won't.

 

It's really hard not to feel worthless from all this. I know I'm not, but it's keeps popping into my head. I hate that I have to be alone. I wish I had somewhere to go. I thought about going myself, but I don't want to lose the comfort of my home because of him. Why should I be any more uncomfortable??

No one should tell you to leave your husband only you can determine that. I was told, “you will know when it’s time” and that’s exactly what happened 

[Kacey8361 87]

On 11/24/2019 at 1:21 PM, chiggins82 said:

I just found out that for the past 3 years, my husband has been chasing on me with another person, long distance and outside the US. 

 

I'm not looking for advice around immigration, but I had nowhere to turn for advice. I'm totally alone here and I'm scared to call my family because I don't know what to do.

 

I just uncovered this this morning. I don't know everything, but there are email exchanges going back 3 years. Love letters, he sent her gifts, he spends the day on Skype with her when I'm out of town. He emailed everyday how much he loves her. Sounds a while lot like how we emailed when we were dating.

 

I have nowhere to go right now and I don't know what to do. He says he wants to stay with me and work it out. Where do I begin

I am so sorry that you have to endure this. 3 years is a long time. Sounds like there was more than enough time for him to correct his actions - but chose not to. Is he sorry, or sorry that he got caught? Anyways, not place to judge. 
 

Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family. While it is difficult, it is far better than having to deal with this solo. Seek support for you. Make decisions you can live with and do whatever you need to do to heal. 
 

this is a sad story, and I hope you find peace in this situation. 

[Jon&Margz 132]

Here's my question:   Did you DISCOVER the cheating or did he tell you about it first?    If he told you about it ... then there could be an element of remorse.   If you discovered the affair ... he was never honest and begging because he's busted,  not because of the affair.