Child and I living with a stranger....Not the man I knew

[AliRock2016 8]

Good Day everyone.  I am overwhelmed with emotion.  And so uneasy about my next steps.  

 

My boyfriend of 4 years applied for the K1 and K2 visa for my child and I to go from Canada to New York.  I have shipped all of my items, and imported my car.  After 1 week, he has become verbally abusive and cold.  Not the man I was with in a relationship with for 4 years.  My daughter who once loved being around him, is constantly crying and wants her old life back.  I am so confused, as I have given up my entire life, and uprooted my child to be here with him.  Something we have been preparing for, for the entire year.  And it's not like we haven't spent large amounts of time all together on many occasions as we were able to see each other at least once a month over the 4 years, and all holidays.  This scenario never occurred to me as I thought we were both so invested.  He was so supportive and motivational along the way.

 

He has advised that we no longer have chemistry.  Are you serious?  And I am a drama queen:

 

1. Because I asked him not to lock me out of the bedroom.  He was on a personal call, and locked the door which is strange to me as he has never done this before.  I didn't even know he was on a call.  And I honestly do not think it was to speak to another woman.  I am not insecure, and  those are not the type of issues we have.  I am privy to most of his business, he is not tech savy, and he works 2 jobs.  What time in all honesty would he even have to cheat.  I am on the phone with him most of the day, as he is the type to check in often.  My problem was that it is a room we share, and I just found it rude to look the door.  If its closed, and he is on the phone, odds are I am not going to interrupt anyways.  That started a huge war in my house.  He was yelling at me with my daughter in the next room.  I didn't escalate the situation, because I didn't want my daughter to have to hear that.  I let it go.

 

2. Our new furniture was being delivered by 3 men early in the morning.  Once they arrived and were setting up he decided he wanted to go get a coffee.  I said can you just stick around a few minutes, since it is kinda uncomfortable to be here with these strangers.  They were almost done anyways.  He still left and got his coffee...okay.  I said nothing more.  The minute he came back he told me I was a drama queen.  He needed his coffee, and I need to learn when to just be quiet. That then turned into a one sided argument with him telling me I am about drama.  What did he get himself into to.  He didn't sign up for this.  His children's mother (who he was with for 14 years and often complains about) warned him not to move in with me, and wants to be back with him herself....WOW.  A earful because I wanted him to stick around a few minutes.......WOW.  He told me to shut up and not speak to him  the entire day.  Which I did.  But come the night he wanted to cuddle with me?  At this point I am wondering if this man is bipolar.

 

3. And last night.  He works 2 jobs most days.  A hard worker which I admire about him.  He forgot something at home, so I offered to drop it off since I was going to get some groceries anyways.  When I got there he asked me to stop back when I was done.  Which I did.  We were there over an hour having a good conversation.  I said I am just going to order dinner, since we ended up being on the road longer than expected.  Would be really late to start preparing a meal.  He said I don't cook or know how to cater to my man.  WHAT!!! I have been in your country for 1 week.  We didn't really have groceries, pots, and my stuff hasn't even arrived.  Yet I still have ensured there is a meal in our house...cooked or purchased.  Since I understand that he works so hard.  I made a comment that I always cook, since I have a child to feed daily.  He lost it.  Said...so your only cooking for her sake and walked away.  My child again has to watch this.  I slept in my daughters room since she was a crying mess.  

 

And tonight I cooked...he ignored us from the time he walked in the door.  Not even a hi.  Didn't eat.  And just I broke down in the bathroom.  I am trying to adapt to this new place.  I have left my support system back home.  I am here for him and he doesn't care.  And I am trying to be tough for my child who is also trying to adapt.   How can I continue like this?  It has been a week.  I called my sister and she says she wants to fly in on Friday and when he is at work just pack up my stuff and go home.  I am so embarrassed.  I left a great job, took my daughter from her family and friends.  Imported my things which are supposed to arrive on Wed.  Imported my car, and now I am supposed to go back.  The money I have spent.  I just don't know what to do.  So here I am at 5am asking for some guidance.

 

Do you know if I can send my stuff that I imported here back home?  I will contact the shipping company and tell them not to deliver and send home if it is allowed.  And since I imported my car, can I just drive it back home?

 

And I don't even want to face my friends and family and ex coworkers.  I think the disappointment and shame is going to be the end of me.  This is making me sick to the core.  But I have a child who didn't sign up for this.  She is all that matters and I can't put her through this.  All of these things are so petty, yet he is so explosive.  And I haven't even had a chance to speak with him yet.  Is there a point?  After how I have been treated in my first week, how can I even risk being here another?  I am a strong woman, but this has me feeling broken.

 

Thank you for listening.  Any positive suggestions are greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

[EandH0904 1,184]

As hard as it is, as expensive as it has been, it was a big life lesson. It's great your sister is willing to help. At least you aren't married. Your friends and family - what have you to be ashamed of? That you stuck up for yourself and your daughter? That you had the guts  to leave an unhealthy relationship? We should be looking to you for admiration! 

 

People are people. Things don't work out. Mistakes are made. I'm proud of you for coming here and recognizing a chaotic situation now before it worse. 

[Marcelina 246]

It's a very personal situation and I'm super sad to hear that. You are adults and you know each other for a while I would try to have a normal conversation with him, about what are his feelings, what changed or what were his expectations and how he imagines your future life.. If it won't help or he wont even engage in a grown up discussion about your life together you shouldnt consider staying with him. I don't want to judge but from my perspective he wasnt ready for commitement. He wasn't ready for real daily life that is usualy way different then weekend or 1 week long time together every month. Now you see his true unmature face and I bet you didnt sign for having 2 kids suddenly. Put youself and and your baby girl 1rst. No matter what is the situation we all deserve resepect and from what you described he doesnt show you that. You don't want your whole future famiy life looking like this.

Unfortunately I can't give you any help related to immigration. If that's K-1 it should be withdrawed so you wont have a problem with a future immigration (hipoteticaly) but im not sure...

 

Take care and stay strong! A good side is its K-1 and you aren't married yet! 

[kzielu 1,144]

2 hours ago, AliRock2016 said:

 

And I don't even want to face my friends and family and ex coworkers.  I think the disappointment and shame is going to be the end of me. 

 

It won't. It will show your strength and independence, something everyone should admire. If I was your family or co-worker, I would think you made a right choice rather than sign up for a miserable life for you and your child for the wrong reasons. Better to cut you losses early rather than after incurring more of them.

[Ontarkie 13,904]

~~Moved Effects of Major Family Changes, from K1  progress reports. - As similar threads are discussed here.~~

[Ontarkie 13,904]

I'm so sorry things are not working out.

Yes it is hard to adjust to living with someone full time, but what you are experiencing is not normal adjustment period. Seems he showing his true colours now.

Your gut is speaking to you, listen to it. If he is like that the first week then what is he going to be like in a month. 

[Sandra G. 5,014]

Don't  be ashamed. I am glad you  saw his real side now,don't even think to get married to this man,he has serious  issues and with time your life  would be even more miserable.

 

Pack your  things and leave, I would not bother to talk to him because he seems self centered and  when you tell him that you are leaving he might  become violent or manipulative. Life is too short to live in a toxic/poor relationship.

 

If the truck  already  left Canada they  will be able to return your  stuff but of course they will charge you again. 

 

 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Some people can hold it together while you are dating and living apart - but the stress of living together puts them over the edge.  It isn't normal to yell quite that often and you are right to worry and want to leave.  Couples have fights, we did for the first year or two or three, but they were extremely rare and my husband was always calm and never insulting.

 

Quote

I think the disappointment and shame is going to be the end of me.  This is making me sick to the core.  But I have a child who didn't sign up for this.  She is all that matters and I can't put her through this.  

 

Nobody is going to judge you for doing what is best for you and your child and if they do, they aren't worth your time to even think about.  

[AliRock2016 8]

Thank you all so much for all of the positive reaffirmation and support.  Has been a trying time, but I have my daughters best interest at heart in all of my decisions.  So fortunate she is a brave and strong little girl.  This has truly been an emotional roller coaster.  Appreciate having this forum.

[TBoneTX 43,021]

My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

Good advice above... follow it.

There's no need to live for one minute like this.

Go back to Canada and hold your head very high, because you will have shown more strength and resolve than 99.44% of other women who find themselves in abusive relationships.

[Meg&Andrew 297]

My husband had a tough time the first couple of weeks he was here. We didn't argue necessarily, but he did seem more quiet and emotional. I totally understood as he's the person who moved his entire life, and left everything he had ever known. There were even nights that I could hear him crying himself to sleep. I tried my very best to comfort him as much as I could, but I knew it would only take time to heal this issue. My point in telling you this is because if anyone deserves to be a bit dramatic, emotional, and cold at times, it's YOU. And your significant other should be trying to support you, and comfort you as much as he can. Not telling you that you're being overly dramatic, or doing this or that wrong. 

 

I think the decision to go back home is the best decision you can make. Not only for yourself, but your child. If you can't or wouldn't leave your child with this person alone (in fear of what might be said or done), why would you want to stay with that person? 

 

"Never apologize for trusting your intuition. Your brain can play tricks, your heart can be blind, but your gut is always right." 

[C-ma'am 684]

Ali,

 

You said you are not insecure. We believe you. Put that security and strength to good use. Your family and your friends love you and they will understand that you made the best the decision for the well-being of your child and for your own. You can fix this.

 

Don't hesitate and go home before it's a regrettable decision. You can mourn your relationship later.

 

[Lemonslice 4,549]

It seems like you have it covered, but the Canadian consulate can also provide assistance... Best of luck and be proud of yourself.

[Lsthorpe1 129]

We are all rooting for you! You sound like an extremely strong lady. I admire you.

[Mrsjackson 300]

I'm sorry you're going through this. There is absolutely nothing shameful about leaving a situation that is harmful to you and your child. Anyone with half a brain would only admire your strength. He sounds like he may be bipolar or that he wasn't as prepared for the responsibility of having a family as he thought he was. He probably got too excited and didn't think it all through and quite frankly, he sounds quite immature. Most adults go into a marriage knowing that day to day life can be monotonous and can result in having to compromise and think of someone else's time table as well as your own (he couldn't wait to get his coffee to make you feel more comfortable with strangers? Wow. Not cool and again, extremely immature). The good news is that you are not yet married! You don't have to go through a painful divorce process and apparently you have a wonderful sister who supports you and will help you get out of this seemingly emotionally abusive situation. 

 

Your daughter is the most important person here and it sounds like this environment is detrimental to her. Please take that innocent child out of this situation. She doesn't deserve to live with a cold man who makes her feel unloved. Neither do you. I wish you the best! 

Edited October 10, 2017 by Mrsjackson