Child and I living with a stranger....Not the man I knew

[caliliving 606]

You have only been here a week...you should talk to him and see what else you can do. 4 years to just throw the towel in. It's hard to go from dating to living with each other. I guarantee alot of couples feel this way. You have 90 days to make a decision. I have seen all too quickly people leave and then regret it and u would have to start the process all over again! U already gave up alot, the moving truck will still charge you to bring your stuff back to Canada. I would just relax and see if he changes within a week. If this was a man you just met and only saw once it would be different. But a four year relario ship where coming from Canada I am sure u met alot. I would really just wait another few weeks u don't want any regrets.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

42 minutes ago, Geo_nerd82 said:

This I know from personal experience. But, after just one week we don't know if he is an abuser or just being abusive right now and just for now.

 

A real man is never abusive, never.  

 

I too, like you, lived with one and it started that first week we lived together and there were good months in which nothing happened over the years, but now I know from being with someone who isn't abusive that there should never even be one situation that could be classified as abusive.  That isn't normal.  

 

OP has a child and that changes the risk level with staying.  I know I left my ex when I was pregnant.  Children are always the most important.

 

 

[Kosi Wahala 153]

1 hour ago, Geo_nerd82 said:

I'm sorry, but one week is not enough to establish a trend, and you don't give up on a marriage after one bad week that might be the result of a short-term problem. And two comments doesn't mean he's a manipulative #######, we all say things when we're pissed (justifiably or not, like in his case) that are overly hurtful at times. I mean, after one bad week in a marriage if you're ready to pack your bags and leave then you need to not ever get married in the first place.

The OP is not married to him yet - and, she can only write so much here on the forum, but it seems her gut instinct is telling her that this is not right. If it were just the OP and the guy, that might be one thing, but she has a young daughter whose well-being needs to come first. If the OP's instinct is telling her to go home, then she needs to follow that instinct. Rushing into a marriage in 90 days with this bad vibe she has, probably isn't the best thing to do. 

[kris&me 572]

i had a neighbor that went thru much like this

husband had been a real teddy bear and the change was dramtic

strange phone calls and all

found out a year later (when he suddenly passed away) the calls were to doctors and he had a brain tumor

not to say this is this is the case but when someone suddenly changes,  there has to be a  reason (illness, financial worries, another woman, stress at work.etc)

call and try to talk 

you don't need to be in his presence as you have a child to protect

[NYCruiser 423]

15 hours ago, AliRock2016 said:

Good Day everyone.  I am overwhelmed with emotion.  And so uneasy about my next steps.  

 

My boyfriend of 4 years applied for the K1 and K2 visa for my child and I to go from Canada to New York.  I have shipped all of my items, and imported my car.  After 1 week, he has become verbally abusive and cold.  Not the man I was with in a relationship with for 4 years.  My daughter who once loved being around him, is constantly crying and wants her old life back.  I am so confused, as I have given up my entire life, and uprooted my child to be here with him.  Something we have been preparing for, for the entire year.  And it's not like we haven't spent large amounts of time all together on many occasions as we were able to see each other at least once a month over the 4 years, and all holidays.  This scenario never occurred to me as I thought we were both so invested.  He was so supportive and motivational along the way.

 

He has advised that we no longer have chemistry.  Are you serious?  And I am a drama queen:

 

1. Because I asked him not to lock me out of the bedroom.  He was on a personal call, and locked the door which is strange to me as he has never done this before.  I didn't even know he was on a call.  And I honestly do not think it was to speak to another woman.  I am not insecure, and  those are not the type of issues we have.  I am privy to most of his business, he is not tech savy, and he works 2 jobs.  What time in all honesty would he even have to cheat.  I am on the phone with him most of the day, as he is the type to check in often.  My problem was that it is a room we share, and I just found it rude to look the door.  If its closed, and he is on the phone, odds are I am not going to interrupt anyways.  That started a huge war in my house.  He was yelling at me with my daughter in the next room.  I didn't escalate the situation, because I didn't want my daughter to have to hear that.  I let it go.

 

2. Our new furniture was being delivered by 3 men early in the morning.  Once they arrived and were setting up he decided he wanted to go get a coffee.  I said can you just stick around a few minutes, since it is kinda uncomfortable to be here with these strangers.  They were almost done anyways.  He still left and got his coffee...okay.  I said nothing more.  The minute he came back he told me I was a drama queen.  He needed his coffee, and I need to learn when to just be quiet. That then turned into a one sided argument with him telling me I am about drama.  What did he get himself into to.  He didn't sign up for this.  His children's mother (who he was with for 14 years and often complains about) warned him not to move in with me, and wants to be back with him herself....WOW.  A earful because I wanted him to stick around a few minutes.......WOW.  He told me to shut up and not speak to him  the entire day.  Which I did.  But come the night he wanted to cuddle with me?  At this point I am wondering if this man is bipolar.

 

3. And last night.  He works 2 jobs most days.  A hard worker which I admire about him.  He forgot something at home, so I offered to drop it off since I was going to get some groceries anyways.  When I got there he asked me to stop back when I was done.  Which I did.  We were there over an hour having a good conversation.  I said I am just going to order dinner, since we ended up being on the road longer than expected.  Would be really late to start preparing a meal.  He said I don't cook or know how to cater to my man.  WHAT!!! I have been in your country for 1 week.  We didn't really have groceries, pots, and my stuff hasn't even arrived.  Yet I still have ensured there is a meal in our house...cooked or purchased.  Since I understand that he works so hard.  I made a comment that I always cook, since I have a child to feed daily.  He lost it.  Said...so your only cooking for her sake and walked away.  My child again has to watch this.  I slept in my daughters room since she was a crying mess.  

 

And tonight I cooked...he ignored us from the time he walked in the door.  Not even a hi.  Didn't eat.  And just I broke down in the bathroom.  I am trying to adapt to this new place.  I have left my support system back home.  I am here for him and he doesn't care.  And I am trying to be tough for my child who is also trying to adapt.   How can I continue like this?  It has been a week.  I called my sister and she says she wants to fly in on Friday and when he is at work just pack up my stuff and go home.  I am so embarrassed.  I left a great job, took my daughter from her family and friends.  Imported my things which are supposed to arrive on Wed.  Imported my car, and now I am supposed to go back.  The money I have spent.  I just don't know what to do.  So here I am at 5am asking for some guidance.

 

Do you know if I can send my stuff that I imported here back home?  I will contact the shipping company and tell them not to deliver and send home if it is allowed.  And since I imported my car, can I just drive it back home?

 

And I don't even want to face my friends and family and ex coworkers.  I think the disappointment and shame is going to be the end of me.  This is making me sick to the core.  But I have a child who didn't sign up for this.  She is all that matters and I can't put her through this.  All of these things are so petty, yet he is so explosive.  And I haven't even had a chance to speak with him yet.  Is there a point?  After how I have been treated in my first week, how can I even risk being here another?  I am a strong woman, but this has me feeling broken.

 

Thank you for listening.  Any positive suggestions are greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

I am sorry to hear this. I believe this forum is for Immigration advice but maybe not personal advice? However, I do note you are in New York City? (Bronx?). Is the place small? I can understand since NYC is very stress filled. (is that why he is working two jobs I take it?) Very expensive too and the high taxes? Not excusing him but have you met any of his friends? I realise it is only been a week? What do they say he is? Bipolar?

 

You might be right in just ending things as this doesn't seem normal behaviour...

[Dianalorena 1,153]

Everyone else has said that don't have to feel ashamed. I agree! On the contrary, you're incredibly brave for taking a risk this big. 

it didn't work out and even though I don't know what is like and I can only imagine the pain of realizing he isn't the man you knew,

I totally understand what is like to move for someone and endure a relationship that is emotionally abusive, feeling trapped. 

I was married, so it made things harder. I kept thinking of how awful it was to call it quits and divorce after a few years, but

honestly? it was 2 years too long. I wish I had realized it sooner and saved myself all the pain I caused myself, and him as well. 

I think despite the misfortune of this scenario, it's lucky he showed his true colors right away before you guys were married.

Imagine if he waited, you started the AOS, made friends, created a life for your daughter and yourself and a few months in, this. 

 

Stay close to your support system, your family, friends. I'm sure they can help you with the logistics to get back.

 

I truly hope everything works out. A big hug your way 

 

 

[Dianalorena 1,153]

3 hours ago, caliliving said:

You have only been here a week...you should talk to him and see what else you can do. 4 years to just throw the towel in. It's hard to go from dating to living with each other. I guarantee alot of couples feel this way. You have 90 days to make a decision. I have seen all too quickly people leave and then regret it and u would have to start the process all over again! U already gave up alot, the moving truck will still charge you to bring your stuff back to Canada. I would just relax and see if he changes within a week. If this was a man you just met and only saw once it would be different. But a four year relario ship where coming from Canada I am sure u met alot. I would really just wait another few weeks u don't want any regrets.

 

I understand trying to make the effort,  but the truth is, a lot of what he's said to her sounds very scary. From what she shared, it seems that he is expecting her to fit a role of a wife in a very traditional 1950's sense, not because the intention was to get married and be a team, or even because she wants to, but because she has to, as her obligation. He sounds irritable and annoyed by the fact she decided to buy dinner instead of ''taking care of her man'' He seems to completely disregards her needs, not considering her feelings and the fact that she is adjusting since she just got there. This macho behavior can escalate quickly and dangerously, I'm talking from experience.  Maybe she didn't realize it before since they hadn't lived together. 

Not saying they shouldn't talk about it, but not every relationship can or should be fixed. Most importantly she has a daughter that she needs to protect from this. 

Ultimately is her decision, of course. 

 

 

[adipo21 141]

Am sorry  to hear  what ur going  through🙁 i pray for God give  the  strength  to leave  that unhealthy relationship.Like  others  said  atleast  ur not married material  things  can be replaced and be bought  again  but ur happiness can't be bought. So think  about what's  best for your daughter and you. 

[AliRock2016 8]

54 minutes ago, NYCruiser said:

I am sorry to hear this. I believe this forum is for Immigration advice but maybe not personal advice? However, I do note you are in New York City? (Bronx?). Is the place small? I can understand since NYC is very stress filled. (is that why he is working two jobs I take it?) Very expensive too and the high taxes? Not excusing him but have you met any of his friends? I realise it is only been a week? What do they say he is? Bipolar?

 

You might be right in just ending things as this doesn't seem normal behaviour...

Thank you. I know my venting was lengthy but I was asking for immigration guidance.  Unsure of the process to bring my personal belongings and imported car back to Canada.  Wondering if it is allowed so quickly and if there are taxes or fees now.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

2 minutes ago, AliRock2016 said:

Thank you. I know my venting was lengthy but I was asking for immigration guidance.  Unsure of the process to bring my personal belongings and imported car back to Canada.  Wondering if it is allowed so quickly and if there are taxes or fees now.

 

Just from a brief look, it appears that this situation applies to you http://www.cbsa-asfc.gc.ca/travel-voyage/declare-eng.html

because you've been gone less than a year.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

So sorry that he is acting like a jerk. Nothing to be ashamed of, you want a good role model for your daughter and not a dysfunctional
relationship. You and her deserve better. I would go back and forget about this self centered man.

[AliRock2016 8]

41 minutes ago, N-o-l-a said:

 

Just from a brief look, it appears that this situation applies to you http://www.cbsa-asfc.gc.ca/travel-voyage/declare-eng.html

because you've been gone less than a year.

Thank you very much.  I will look through this now.

[Auds 223]

3 hours ago, N-o-l-a said:

 

A real man is never abusive, never.  

 

I too, like you, lived with one and it started that first week we lived together and there were good months in which nothing happened over the years, but now I know from being with someone who isn't abusive that there should never even be one situation that could be classified as abusive.  That isn't normal.  

 

OP has a child and that changes the risk level with staying.  I know I left my ex when I was pregnant.  Children are always the most important.

 

 

True - a man raised Half well would never disrespect his woman and never in front on a child...regardless.  My BIL was diagnosed with about five conditions incl schizophrenia after a break down has he ever hurt my sis or his kids - broken stuff maybe. Ran naked yes - but To date been a decade even when he has completely lost it has he even used a swear word..

 

those who do it will repeat.  Reasons could be anything including severe anxiety but leaving is the best solution.

 

OP is incredibly strong... its easy to be too embarrassed of what society would say,  too overwhelmed on how difficult it is to move... but I respect you.  Leave and keep us posted.

[RO_AH 1,615]

I really don't understand all of these posts and the advice you are being given. It's been ONE week. It is a HUGE change going from living alone to now having someone always there. Different people handle things differently. There is only one side of this story being presented and there are always 2 sides.

 

If you committed over 4 years to this and never saw any sign of this behavior and all of the sudden after one week he has completely changed, you were completely oblivious during that 4 years OR we are not getting the full story. He is working 2 jobs as you have said (which is stressful) and his life has just completely changed just like yours. After a 4 year investment you should at least try to get some sort of counseling. I don't understand how you can pack up everything and move you and your child to another country willing to spend the rest of your life with someone after 4 years of getting to know each other and give it all up after a week.

 

I wish the best for you.

[Jens79 64]

I recently moved in with my wife the here in US and while things are going really well, we have however discovered that it's a little harder to live together than dating. But what you're explaining is something very different. This doesn't seem normal, and while a psychologist maybe could give a diagnosis and offer treatment, "good old" misogyny is not a disease. If that’s what he has been able to hide for four long years, then well played, but this is the guy he really is. 

You need to put all thoughts of practical matters and money being invested away. And absolutely no one will think it’s shameful to break up with someone who first misled you and then treated you badly. No one! Definitely not your family. I’m not saying that he will become violent, but no one would ever say to a victim of domestic violent that it was “good that you stayed so long, it would have been shameful if you had left the guy earlier”, right?

Use your gut feeling. You stay or you leave, but only based on if you want to stay with this man, not based on any practicalities or money. Do what you feel is right for you and your child. Everything else is secondary. Just leave all your stuff and the car, if that’s what it comes down to. Property is worthless compared to things that are actually important and valuable in life. 

Edited October 11, 2017 by Jens79