I give up. I just give up (merged)

[littleminxgirl 19]

I'm so upset  I just want to sit in a corner and cry. Sorry, this is going to be a long post. I just need to vent and cry to people who understand how unbelievably frustrating this all is.

We finally got our interview in Armenia on Nov 7th.  I flew into the Republic of Georgia where I have an apartment with my fiancé. (He's Iranian, been living in Georgia since January) We finally got a chance to do some sightseeing, visited friends, and got the apartment cleaned up and secured since we'll be gone for at least a few months.

--For those that might not have seen my previous posts, my fiancé left Iran in Nov 2021. We traveled together through Turkiye and Georgia, eventually buying an apartment in Georgia for him to live in while we waited for our appointment. Iranians can only stay in Georgia for 45 days. So we got a lawyer and have been able to get his visa extended to work on the apartment. Since the apartment was unfinished we were able to get multiple extensions. The apartment was supposed to be finished by mid-June. When I flew back at the end of June, I spent the entire time there working on the apartment. This led to a few fights since he was supposed to have the apartment ready before I got there as I'd never been able to really see any of the country, visit the historic sights and whatnot. --

 

Now I had wanted to change the interview to Georgia since we have a place there and Armenia is expensive, but he was adamant that we stick with Armenia because any change might cause a delay in our case. He also said that the embassy in Georgia doesn't do K1 interviews for Iranians.  ( I had wanted to send in the change of venue well before we got our NVC2, so I doubt it really would have been an issue) So we did our tourist thing, then packed up and headed to Armenia on 10/31. At the border there's an issue because his current visa extension was not approved, meaning that he's in the country illegally. He did not tell me that his visa had expired. So, of course, I am upset. He said it's being worked on by the lawyer and not to worry about it. Of course I'm worried, this could cause major problems! I'm also upset because he hid this from me. I already have major trust issues, so I'm not happy at this point.

 

I hadn't been feeling well for a few days, and I ended up coming down with either an extremely nasty cold, or RSV. It was not covid, but it was pretty awful. I spent most of my time in Armenia in the hotel room bed. We went through his paperwork and checklist as soon as we got to the hotel. I read through the checklist and double checked that he had everything listed. I noticed that while he had a police report from Iran, he did not have one from Georgia. I asked him about it, and he said that he's asked but was told that without a Georgian ID card, they didn't issue them. I thought that was strange and that he needed to go to the Georgian embassy in Armenia to see if they could give him one. He also said he was going to go by the Iranian embassy to see if he could get an updated one as his was now a year old. 

So off he goes to his medical appointment on Thursday. He gets back and tells me that his medical paperwork will be ready on Friday afternoon and that the Iranian embassy said it would take a week for a new police report. Since our appointment is on Monday, that's not going to work.  I ask about Georgia and he just brushes is off- they don't need it, it's only for people with ID cards, it's not important. Now I don't know where he's getting this information, but again, I'm extremely sick and not really super aware of anything. I'm just trying to breath and sleep. The next day he goes to get his medical report, and I ask him to at least call the Georgian embassy to double check that they don't do police reports. When he  gets back from the doctor's office I ask him how everything went, and he says everything is good. Monday morning rolls around and we head off to the interview. I waited while he went from window to window. Fingerprints, checking paperwork, etc. I did hear one lady ask about the Georgian police report. He tells them that Georgia doesn't give police reports to people who aren't residents with Georgian ID numbers. They write a few things down and tell him to wait to be called up for his interview. 

He goes to the last window, is there for maybe 15 minutes. I can hear a tiny bit of what is being said. Things about how we met, where we've traveled, etc. Finally he comes back and says the interviewer would like to speak to me. I go up to the window and the man was very nice. He said I'm telling you what I told him. "He needs the Georgian police report before we can issue him a visa". So basically he's denied until we get that report. I tell the gentleman that we've been having problems with getting the report because he doesn't have a Georgian ID card. He smiles and says "just go to the Georgian embassy and they'll give you one".  So now I'm extremely angry with my fiancé. Like why didn't you get this done? Did you actually call the embassy? Did you really try to get the report, or are you listening to other people and taking their stupid advice as facts? (This has been an issue before)

He promises to go to the Georgian embassy after dropping me off at the hotel (still super sick, being out of bed and moving for so long has just worn me out) On the way to the hotel he's on the phone speaking Farsi. We get to the hotel and he tells me he's talked to our lawyer in Georgia and she's going to get the police report. I'm still upset. I ask him why he didn't do this while we were in Georgia. He has loads of excuses. "The report is only valid for a month, it would have been expired before we got to the interview" I wanted to go to the main government building in Tbilisi, but you were ready to go home to Batumi" "I wanted to make sure you got a chance to see all the waterfalls and caves this trip, I didn't have time to get the police report and go see these places"

I went off on him. How dare he try to pin this on me. He had ample time before I got to Georgia to get this document. We also had plenty of time to go get it while I was there. I didn't know that he needed this paperwork, or I would have gotten it done first thing! Had I not been sick in Armenia, I would have gone to the embassy and asked. I could not believe he was using me as an excuse to not get this document.

I had to fly home on the 9th to get back to work. I fly home, he gets the pdf of the police report the next morning. He goes to the embassy and, of course, they need the original. I had told him they would need an original, but he keeps saying, "no, a printout is ok."

Have I mentioned Armenia is expensive? There aren't a lot of hotels and hostels with vacancies right now. So he stays an additional night in the $80 a nice hotel before finding  a hostel for $30 a night. I've left him with all the cash I could as well as a visa card from my Georgian bank account for emergencies. It takes 3 days for the original police report to be mailed to him in Armenia. He goes back to the US embassy on Monday and turns it in. I'm looking at flights and after this Wednesday 11/16, the prices start to shoot up for the holidays. On 11/16  I can get a one way to the US for $700. By Thursday they're $900 and each day after that they go up and up an up...

We get an email today that the Police report is from the wrong agency. He needs another one... I give up...

There's no way he'll be here for Thanksgiving.. probably won't be here for Christmas. I don't know if he can get back into Georgia because of the overstaying his visa thing.. I just can't. 

I'm ready to tell him he's on his own now. Go back to Iran or find a way to support yourself. I just can't keep doing this. I don't know if he truly believed he didn't need this document even though it clearly states on the paperwork that it's needed. I don't know if he wants to just stay living overseas on my dime? I've been killing myself pulling as much overtime as I can, sleeping in my truck to save on expenses when I travel for work, just doing anything to save for this trip over there. I don't know if he just doesn't understand how much this is costing me. Does he just not care? I just don't know anymore. I have an empty apartment in Georgia and I'm paying for hotels in Armenia for an indefinite period of time. I just give up. Over 18 months of waiting and it's over because he didn't tell me he didn't have that damn police report. Maybe I could have done something while I was there if I'd known earlier. This was the only thing he had to do and he completely dropped the ball.  I just quit. Clearly the universe doesn't want this to happen. I'm having a very difficult time respecting him and trusting him when he just blew this whole thing off like it wasn't an important thing to get.. I just don't understand.. 

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I'm going to be really upset for the next few days. 

[TBoneTX 43,058]

Sincere sympathies, but you've learned some substantial things.

 

This cavalier attitude toward crucial requirements, possibly infected by inaccurate advice from others, will carry over into marriage (to you or anyone).  Finances, for example, is a (if not the) chief cause of marital strife.  He has not respected this.  He also disrespected the need to prepare the apartment.  Finally, he dismissed the need for, and the importance of, the police certificate.

 

At minimum, this indicates fundamental difficulties in communication between the two of you.

At most -- and realistically, in my view -- it indicates a crucial difference in attitudes toward responsibility and sacrifice.

 

Accompanying this is an apparent disparity in the effort put into making the mechanics of this relationship happen, with the concomitant effect on your emotional state -- and especially the lack of even token concern when you were sick.  This is not what most people would call a sound foundation for a happy marriage or even a dating relationship.

 

You have the choice of deciding whether you can abide a lifetime of having to drag him through life's responsibilities -- the big ones, the everyday ones, and the unexpected crises that are inevitable -- and deciding whether you can overlook the mentioned deficiencies and never ever complain about them or bring them up again.  The title of your thread suggests that you've already chosen your remedy.

 

The definitive decision is yours, but I think that the indelible handwriting is on the wall, and that you'll ultimately feel far better about yourself by calling a permanent halt to this enervating, expensive mistake.  If you decide this, you can thank your lucky stars that this didn't proceed to an unhappy short-term marriage and the mess of divorce.

 

This world has innumerable attractive, appealing, responsible, supportive, emotionally available men who will willingly meet you halfway in forming a fulfilling lifetime relationship.  Please keep this at top of mind.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

1 hour ago, littleminxgirl said:

This was the only thing he had to do and he completely dropped the ball.  I just quit. Clearly the universe doesn't want this to happen. I'm having a very difficult time respecting him and trusting him when he just blew this whole thing off

You've said it yourself.

 

By the way, hugs to you.

[carmel34 3,531]

7 hours ago, littleminxgirl said:

I'm ready to tell him he's on his own now. Go back to Iran or find a way to support yourself. I just can't keep doing this. I don't know if he truly believed he didn't need this document even though it clearly states on the paperwork that it's needed. I don't know if he wants to just stay living overseas on my dime?

Sorry to hear about your struggles.  Lots of red flags in your story.  In addition to the lack of attention to details, procuring correct documents, etc., the fact that you are paying for his living expenses is a big problem and will only lead to resentment and erosion of trust.  Time to think through everything very carefully and make a decision about the future of this relationship.  Good luck!

[JeanneAdil 6,195]

11 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

Sincere sympathies, but you've learned some substantial things.

 

This cavalier attitude toward crucial requirements, possibly infected by inaccurate advice from others, will carry over into marriage (to you or anyone).  Finances, for example, is a (if not the) chief cause of marital strife.  He has not respected this.  He also disrespected the need to prepare the apartment.  Finally, he dismissed the need for, and the importance of, the police certificate.

 

At minimum, this indicates fundamental difficulties in communication between the two of you.

At most -- and realistically, in my view -- it indicates a crucial difference in attitudes toward responsibility and sacrifice.

 

Accompanying this is an apparent disparity in the effort put into making the mechanics of this relationship happen, with the concomitant effect on your emotional state -- and especially the lack of even token concern when you were sick.  This is not what most people would call a sound foundation for a happy marriage or even a dating relationship.

 

You have the choice of deciding whether you can abide a lifetime of having to drag him through life's responsibilities -- the big ones, the everyday ones, and the unexpected crises that are inevitable -- and deciding whether you can overlook the mentioned deficiencies and never ever complain about them or bring them up again.  The title of your thread suggests that you've already chosen your remedy.

 

The definitive decision is yours, but I think that the indelible handwriting is on the wall, and that you'll ultimately feel far better about yourself by calling a permanent halt to this enervating, expensive mistake.  If you decide this, you can thank your lucky stars that this didn't proceed to an unhappy short-term marriage and the mess of divorce.

 

This world has innumerable attractive, appealing, responsible, supportive, emotionally available men who will willingly meet you halfway in forming a fulfilling lifetime relationship.  Please keep this at top of mind.

Best advice for a failing relationship  i have heard

Understand that on  a K1 ,  u,  the petitioner,  would be paying for everything till he had a EAD card to work.   housing , and food and health care insurance.  this would add to the feelings u have of being used.

 

Stopping the process  shows your eyes are open , your head is in charge 

 

for us that put everything into this process,   the traveling ,   the fees and other costs,   all the paperwork,  its heartbreaking to go thru a breakup and/or divorce

 

but you said it all "give it up"  and take care of yourself and your heart and future 

u have a lot of support here from all of us 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Family 3,479]

13 hours ago, littleminxgirl said:

I've been killing myself pulling as much overtime as I can, sleeping in my truck to save on expenses when I travel for work, just doing anything to save for this trip over there. I don't know if he just doesn't understand how much this is costing me. Does he just not care? I just don't know anymore. I have an empty apartment in Georgia and I'm paying for hotels in Armenia for an indefinite period of

You are definitely the workhorse pulling the heavy load…and perhaps your future married life will be more of the same dynamics. Maybe he is more of the show room / race horse type. 
Is it worth it? Only your heart can decide. 
 

Many men have no issue sponsoring foreign wives , without a pre nup agreement that wife must work.

Will your fellow expect you to do the heavy lifting throughout your marriage? If so, are you okay to stay in that role? 
 

The last thing you want to do is allow the built up frustration/ resentments to grow because even righteous indignation leads to cracks in intimacy bonds and useless fights.

 

So don’t judge a fish by how well he climbs a tree….just take a moment and decide if you want to throw him back in the pond or keep him because of his magnificent beauty.
 

[.yana 586]

14 hours ago, littleminxgirl said:

I don't know if he wants to just stay living overseas on my dime?

This. You said it.

 

Do you think this man will change once he arrives to the US?

 

[Crazy Cat 39,222]

14 hours ago, littleminxgirl said:

I'm having a very difficult time respecting him and trusting him when he just blew this whole thing off like it wasn't an important thing to get.. I just don't understand.. 

I wish you the best.  Discovering this now might be a blessing in disguise.  Seek happiness for yourself.  Good luck.

Edited November 16, 2022 by Crazy Cat

[Timona 3,940]

What's the age difference here? 

[Aluvaboy 61]

50 minutes ago, .yana said:

This. You said it.

 

Do you think this man will change once he arrives to the US?

 

This is a cultural thing! In some parts of the world, men are indoctrinated that they are superior to women and they have to call the shots! They are seldom going to change. Whether they come to the USA or land in Mars!

[Rocio0010 5,562]

I am so sorry that you're going through this. When it comes to relationships, always trust your instincts. Also, you're not even married and it looks like he's acting like a chainball. Better to cut ties now than to expect someone to change imho. Especially someone that might have been raised to believe that their gender is superior and that everything needs to be done for them. Big no no.

[.yana 586]

10 minutes ago, Aluvaboy said:

This is a cultural thing! In some parts of the world, men are indoctrinated that they are superior to women and they have to call the shots! They are seldom going to change. Whether they come to the USA or land in Mars!

I don't follow your logic but if he was indeed "indoctrinated" that he was superior to his fiancée - he surely would at least make an effort to a) provide b) not suck in every way possible. 

 

 

[Family 3,479]

24 minutes ago, Aluvaboy said:

This is a cultural thing! In some parts of the world, men are indoctrinated that they are superior to women and they have to call the shots! They are seldom going to change. Whether they come to the USA or land in Mars!

True that.

[Rocio0010 5,562]

32 minutes ago, .yana said:

I don't follow your logic but if he was indeed "indoctrinated" that he was superior to his fiancée - he surely would at least make an effort to a) provide b) not suck in every way possible. 

 

 

Could go both ways. Some of them that think they're superior will provide, whereas some others will pretend the woman to do everything for them. 

And yes, I 100% agree with you he sucks in every way possible.

[nastra30 1,982]

Op, you are taking the relationship and the immigration process seriously and diligently. And he's being lackadaisical it. This will upset anyone especially considering the sweat and money that has already been put into it. Seems you are cutting your losses and moving on; good for you.