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Michael & Michele

Waiting for AOS and husband not contributing enough

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I'm beyond confused.  I met my now husband in August 2016 in St. Maarten and we fell in love.  He asked me to marry him.  During the year we were apart I amassed a significant amount of debt primarily due to loaning him money to pay rent, utilities, food, phone, paperwork for his residency, paperwork for his passport, and the fees involved with the K-1 Visa.  Essentially I was supporting two households.  He always promised me I would be getting this money back.  My husband arrived here 14 months ago with nothing.  Literally nothing.  The clothes on his back.  Purchases I made for him he left behind with family members (TV, furniture etc).  Now he's living here almost 14 months and is working full time.  During the 14 months he's here, I paid thousands of dollars for his dental work, sent thousands back home to his children, bought his clothes, bought school clothes for his children, cell phones for him and his children, taken him on vacation, provided EVERY aspect of his life.  He won money playing a lottery and tried to cash the ticket without me knowing but ultimately I found out and after a week of horrible arguing he agreed to give me half of his winnings.  He kept his half, I put mine toward my now huge debt.  He allowed me to handle his paycheck and I was giving him spending money weekly and still paying ALL household expenses.  NOW he opens up a separate bank account and I have no access to his paycheck.  He tells me he needs to "SAVE" money.  He needs money for his children and me in the event of an emergency.  I don't think it's reasonable for him to save more money weekly than he's contributing to the household knowing the credit card debt I'm carrying.  He says he married me for love and not a green card but I'm seriously beginning to doubt that.  Help??? 

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*** Moved to "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" ***


“When starting an immigration journey, the best advice is to understand that sacrifices have to be made; whether it is time, money, or separation or a combination of any or all.” - NuestraUnion

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56 minutes ago, Michael & Michele said:

I'm beyond confused.  I met my now husband in August 2016 in St. Maarten and we fell in love.  He asked me to marry him.  During the year we were apart I amassed a significant amount of debt primarily due to loaning him money to pay rent, utilities, food, phone, paperwork for his residency, paperwork for his passport, and the fees involved with the K-1 Visa.  Essentially I was supporting two households.  He always promised me I would be getting this money back.  My husband arrived here 14 months ago with nothing.  Literally nothing.  The clothes on his back.  Purchases I made for him he left behind with family members (TV, furniture etc).  Now he's living here almost 14 months and is working full time.  During the 14 months he's here, I paid thousands of dollars for his dental work, sent thousands back home to his children, bought his clothes, bought school clothes for his children, cell phones for him and his children, taken him on vacation, provided EVERY aspect of his life.  He won money playing a lottery and tried to cash the ticket without me knowing but ultimately I found out and after a week of horrible arguing he agreed to give me half of his winnings.  He kept his half, I put mine toward my now huge debt.  He allowed me to handle his paycheck and I was giving him spending money weekly and still paying ALL household expenses.  NOW he opens up a separate bank account and I have no access to his paycheck.  He tells me he needs to "SAVE" money.  He needs money for his children and me in the event of an emergency.  I don't think it's reasonable for him to save more money weekly than he's contributing to the household knowing the credit card debt I'm carrying.  He says he married me for love and not a green card but I'm seriously beginning to doubt that.  Help??? 

Did he force you to give him money to pay for all of those things for him and his family? I understand money is a sensitive subject but if you gave him money because you felt like it was right to do, so then there's no one to blame. He is working now and I agree he should be able to provide help and pay the debt if you both agreed on that but I don't think it's even legal to retain his paycheck.

 

My fiancé had helped me with money before for emergencies cases (like  had to move and I was unemployee for some months last year) but still I have my savings, and I understand your husband wants to have his, there are too many horror stories over here about people who got a bad experience once in the US and being completely dependant on their new husband/wife which is a position I don't want to be in, and better to be safe because well, life happens and love stories ends everyday.

 

No one could say for sure if he's using you, that's something you'll have to define based on your relationship. Also what is all of these have to do about AOS? Are you planning to not keep the process due to this situation?


Nice to meet you: Dec 27, 2016 México.

1st Visit: March, 2017 México.

2nd Visit: May, 2017 México.

3rd Visit: October, 2017. México.

4th Visit: January, 2018 México.

NOA 1 *NEW* USCIS website: March 01, 2018

5th Visit: May, 2018 México.

Expedite Request: May 31, 2018

Expedite Resolution: Denied June 15, 2018

RFE Old USCIS website: September 26, 2018

RFE Hard copy: October 01, 2018

RFE Response Sent:  October 10, 2018

RFE Received by USCIS:  October 16, 2018

NOA2!!!!!: November 2, 2018

NOA2 Hardcopy: November 7, 2018

6th Visit: ----------> January, 2019

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1 minute ago, Daniela M_______ said:

Did he force you to give him money to pay for all of those things for him and his family? I understand money is a sensitive subject but if you gave him money because you felt like it was right to do, so then there's no one to blame. He is working now and I agree he should be able to provide help and pay the debt if you both agreed on that but I don't think it's even legal to retain his paycheck.

 

My fiancé had helped me with money before for emergencies cases (like  had to move and I was unemployee for some months last year) but still I have my savings, and I understand your husband wants to have his, there are too many horror stories over here about people who got a bad experience once in the US and being completely dependant on their new husband/wife which is a position I don't want to be in, and better to be safe because well, life happens and love stories ends everyday.

 

No one could say for sure if he's using you, that's something you'll have to define based on your relationship. Also what is all of these have to do about AOS? Are you planning to not keep the process due to this situation?

No he didn't FORCE me.  Some money was given as you say I felt it was "right to do".  Other money was loaned.  Like, lend me $1,000 and I'll pay you when I sell my car.  Car sold, no money.  He had NO SAVINGS.  Got here with nothing.  In 2 years since I met him, I have $50k in credit card debt.  He's working 2 jobs.  Opened a separate bank account behind my back.  Gives me what he feels is appropriate and saves it or sends money back to his father in one country and children in another.  I'm not looking to "retain" his check but as husband & wife if I'm $50k in debt because of him, should that not be his first priority?  Should he not want to help his wife the way I helped him?  Yes, I'm contemplating withdrawing my I-864 petition which will automatically cancel his 485.  Marriage should be about "We" and "Us" and I don't believe lying and hiding your money shows me any respect.  Not a great foundation for my future.

 

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1 minute ago, Michael & Michele said:

No he didn't FORCE me.  Some money was given as you say I felt it was "right to do".  Other money was loaned.  Like, lend me $1,000 and I'll pay you when I sell my car.  Car sold, no money.  He had NO SAVINGS.  Got here with nothing.  In 2 years since I met him, I have $50k in credit card debt.  He's working 2 jobs.  Opened a separate bank account behind my back.  Gives me what he feels is appropriate and saves it or sends money back to his father in one country and children in another.  I'm not looking to "retain" his check but as husband & wife if I'm $50k in debt because of him, should that not be his first priority?  Should he not want to help his wife the way I helped him?  Yes, I'm contemplating withdrawing my I-864 petition which will automatically cancel his 485.  Marriage should be about "We" and "Us" and I don't believe lying and hiding your money shows me any respect.  Not a great foundation for my future.

 

I absolutely agree with you. Sounds like you have more than enough reasons to not keep going but that's your choice. IMO is not about the money but the intention to pay it back or compensate for it, for example maybe he cannot pay it back but he'll take care of others things related to household with his income. Money is always complicated but in your situation, it looks like he's just trying to get away without paying it...

 

 Also he moved to another country while still having the responsibility to provide for 2 different family members AND to your household, sounds very difficult to accomplish even with 2 jobs, and as we can see, he's not taking you as a priority in this. 


Nice to meet you: Dec 27, 2016 México.

1st Visit: March, 2017 México.

2nd Visit: May, 2017 México.

3rd Visit: October, 2017. México.

4th Visit: January, 2018 México.

NOA 1 *NEW* USCIS website: March 01, 2018

5th Visit: May, 2018 México.

Expedite Request: May 31, 2018

Expedite Resolution: Denied June 15, 2018

RFE Old USCIS website: September 26, 2018

RFE Hard copy: October 01, 2018

RFE Response Sent:  October 10, 2018

RFE Received by USCIS:  October 16, 2018

NOA2!!!!!: November 2, 2018

NOA2 Hardcopy: November 7, 2018

6th Visit: ----------> January, 2019

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3 minutes ago, Michael & Michele said:

No he didn't FORCE me.  Some money was given as you say I felt it was "right to do".  Other money was loaned.  Like, lend me $1,000 and I'll pay you when I sell my car.  Car sold, no money.  He had NO SAVINGS.  Got here with nothing.  In 2 years since I met him, I have $50k in credit card debt.  He's working 2 jobs.  Opened a separate bank account behind my back.  Gives me what he feels is appropriate and saves it or sends money back to his father in one country and children in another.  I'm not looking to "retain" his check but as husband & wife if I'm $50k in debt because of him, should that not be his first priority?  Should he not want to help his wife the way I helped him?  Yes, I'm contemplating withdrawing my I-864 petition which will automatically cancel his 485.  Marriage should be about "We" and "Us" and I don't believe lying and hiding your money shows me any respect.  Not a great foundation for my future.

 

I think you are right. if you're in debt because of him, then it should be his priority to clear those before trying to save for the future. you should be very careful, as it looks like he is using you for money. Before making any decision discuss those things with him..

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When I got married something similar happened. I was the immigrant, but I acquired a lot of debt because all credit cards and loans were in my name because my ex did not have "good credit." We got divorced last year (he cheated) and I am still paying the debt. It was stipulated in the divorce that he will pay half but he hasn't and I don't feel like going around asking him for money. Thinking back, I should have made him get a credit card in his name only and transfer half balance from my credits cards to his. We paid for vacations, send money to his sons, he even used up all of our savings to send to his ex for her to buy a car because his kids didn't have a way to move around (of course he didn't tell me that, he said he had to paid some debts he had). 

 

Since you are still married, you can ask him to get a loan only in his name for the amount of money he owes you and pay some of your debt off. 

Edited by SadStories

AOS:

Sent AOS Package: Feb 2014

Received Green Card: September 2014

ROC

Sent JOINT ROC Package: Sep 2016

Divorce: Sep 2017

Request to change to waiver: Sep 2017

Approved, Feb 2018 - No interview or RFE

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Sounds like he has a lot of commitments.


“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

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I’m sorry this happened to you.

 

i don’t know your spouse and how you address conflict in your marriage. But it seems like you need a marriage counselor and a financial counselor.

 

Money was a very important issue for my spouse and I as we both have had experiences going into credit card debt prior to us having met. I also came from an Asian country where the adult kids are expected to “give back” to their parents and to everyone else who needs in their extended family. Luckily, my parents didn’t raise us that way and they certainly did not oblige us to “give back”. 

 

It is wrong that he entered into a marriage where his priorities remain to be back home instead of with you. I would never tolerate that with any partner.


“The fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some
of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence.
And there are so many silences to be broken.”

Audre Lorde

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This happened to one of my friends, with the only difference that they are both italian and live in Italy, so no immigration processes were involved. I fear this happens to international couples and not, at the same rate!
He was always telling her "Don't worry about it! I'll pay for it/I'll take care of it". She didn't investigate too much, she just trusted him and she thought he knew what he was doing. Primarily cause this man was almost 40, so you assume that a man his age is able to take care of himself and his finances.
They ended up getting married and she inherited all his debts, without having any idea of how bad his situation was. Shortly after, he lost his business, went bankrupt and she lost most of her savings to fix his mistakes. She's had enough only after she realised that even after all the things he lost and the huge debt he had, he kept spending all the money he was getting from his new job towards silly things. I think they're divorced now or separated at least.
This is just my opinion, but the first time you lend money to someone, even if it's your significant other, and this money doesn't go back into your pocket EVER, you'd have to activate your 6th sense's alarm.
I hope you can fix it, but as for trusting him, I would have lost my trust the second time he asked me for money.
Best wishes!

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You know what is best for you. Do you think things will change and he will start paying his share?  If not, then live with it or end it. Just don’t wait too long to decide. Once he has his AOS, there is no turning back. Best wishes to you and I hope it works out. 

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