Everything is terrible and I am desperate for help

[Kate&Jason 24]

** Just noticed you're not eligible for a loan, sorry! Maybe start a gofundme and share on your facebook! just for your flight home? A few pennies from enough people will help! x

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

On 10/14/2019 at 11:23 PM, TBoneTX said:

Kick yourself honestly and deservedly a few times, then look ahead.

The great news is that you'll never repeat these mistakes!

You've already resolved to get your life back, which is an excellent indication that you will.

This suggests strength, rather than helplessness.

 

In the meantime, look at yourself in the mirror, and repeat, aloud:

"Everything will be just fine.  Everything will be just fine."

Repeat it (aloud) with more conviction each time.

Then get it going as a loop within your head, and see how much better you feel.

This this this EVERYTHING this.

 

OP, I had a decent first marriage (to one of your countrymen) that lasted 10 years -- we were practically babies when we married, and we grew up to be different people with different desires. The marriage wasn't perfect, and we both made plenty of mistakes, but at heart we entered, carried on and left with love and good grace (for most of the time).

 

The second marriage was... less so. He was manipulative, deceitful, temperamental and rude. He alienated me from friends and family, mocked me, belittled me, made me smaller. My life got tiny. I thought I was rubbish because he told me I was, and I thought I was rubbish because I knew I wasn't -- but only a rubbish person would put up with being treated that way. It was no way to live. I was deferential to what he wanted, because I didn't want to suffer his rages and sulks and screams. He cheated on me, and then lied and lied and lied for an entire year while we went through marriage counselling -- he said he wasn't still cheating on me, but he was. I wasn't going to give up on him because I was ashamed, and I thought no one would ever love me again. I drank a lot and smoked a lot and went to the gym a lot and lost a lot of weight and lost my mind. A lot! For a whole year I put up with his lying, cheating ####### because I was afraid of what lay beyond.

 

GUESS WHAT? I woke up one day and said, sling yer hook, I'm done. He cried and cried and I felt... nothing. I then proceeded to spend a year making a ton of TERRIBLE choices as I figured out how to be an adult in the world without a long term partner. And I learned from every single bad decision I made. Every one. I learned, I am too old/awesome/brilliant/cool/beautiful to put up with this. And I tried not to make those choices again (although sometimes I did, I confess, I'm not perfect). 

 

And one day, I was okay. No, I was GREAT. I had been in the best relationship I'd ever been in for four years by that point, and back at law school for over a year. I was in a job I loved, too, with a role as an attorney at the end of law school waiting for me. I had a social life. I had freedom. I had love and kindness and exultation at the pure wonderfulness of being alive coursing through me. I realized: I am happy. Such a small thing to say, but I'd never been able to say that about myself. Not even as a kid. I was happy, and damnit, I AM HAPPY! My life was mine and I was so happy to be around to live it, to experience the world. Everything was fine. I thought: wow, I lived through that, and now I'm here, being awesome and stuff.   I never thought I would make it out alive, and I did. I'm here. It's pretty cool.

 

You have GOT this. You are stronger than you feel. Lean on your friends -- don't assume they won't/can't help. (Mine were sources of much comfort, once I got over my shame.) Treat yo'self -- even little things, the so-called "self-care" does wonders. (I was unemployed and broke during my metamorphosis, and I would treat myself with dumb stuff like a bottle of Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joes, or a magazine.) Above all, love yourself, even when you feel a little unloveable. (That's when you need it the most.)

 

This too shall pass. While you may never be able to say, in the immortal words of the Smiths, "I can smile about it now but at the time it was terrible," you CAN get through it. Much strength to you, sister. ❤️ 

Edited October 17, 2019 by elmcitymaven

[bakphx1 785]

You probably have more people willing to help you than he’s letting you believe. People like that have a good instinct for destroying others’ self esteem and self-confidence.  

Edited October 17, 2019 by bakphx1

[SusieQQQ 11,584]

Belatedly coming on this thread. I hope the silence since earlier in the week means OP got to the embassy and is back in the UK by now.

[Lotts 1,433]

Hello.

Quick update. The silence is due to having to be discreet about things so I don't get any further aggravation from him.

 

I managed to get some help to renew my passport. Works out cheaper in the long run.

The first step is under way. More planning can happen once I have my passport back as I need photo id to book my cat's travel and my belongings being shipped back.

[Ameliaeh 5]

On 10/13/2019 at 4:38 PM, Lotts said:

So, if I have left of my own accord due to this situation, that is not my fault, my future vacations are on the line? Am I not eligible for an ESTA after 2-3 years? (I've been here since May 2017)

My over-stay is definitely not my choice. My lack of AOS was not down to me spending money that was designated for the filing.

Am I really being penalised because of what he's done? I cannot come back for vacations? 

I was in a similar situation to you but if you can believe it, even worse. My husband was extremely physically abusive. I had no way of contacting anyone at all. Plus we had a baby so I couldn't leave the US no matter how much I wanted to. I know it's awful, but it will only get worse unless you do something now. You can leave the US and not get a ban, as long as you apply for 'forgiveness' basically. It's easy, don't worry about that. 

Something I would stress to you is if you are still with him, COLLECT HARD EVIDENCE. He spent the money he said he would use for your AOS? Get him admitting it in text or in an audio recording. He's emotionally abusive? Get evidence. He's asked you to work illegally? Get evidence. 

Because no matter what you decide do, people need you to prove what you're saying is true before they can help. Many people lie to get visas. Don't get stranded because you can't prove that you NEED help. 

Also, go back to England. I would do anything to be able to go home to the UK!! 

 

 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

@Lotts - focus more on the actions at hand, and update us here whenever you can/are free to do so. This is understandably a difficult situation to overcome. Do update us when you are free to, particularly when you've returned home, so we all know you got away from this nightmare safely. <3

[Lotts 1,433]

14 minutes ago, Paul & Mallory said:

@Lotts - focus more on the actions at hand, and update us here whenever you can/are free to do so. This is understandably a difficult situation to overcome. Do update us when you are free to, particularly when you've returned home, so we all know you got away from this nightmare safely. ❤️

Aaahhh, hello. 💜

 

Things are quietly in motion.

I have applied for a renewed passport. Tracked and signed for delivery.

Turns out it was quicker and cheaper to do that in the long run rather than wait for the embassy.

Once I have that in my hands, I can get started on sorting out my belongings and Ed, my cat.

I have a place to go sorted as well as someone willing to come out to get me, fly back with me from PHL or JFK, and take some of my luggage as theirs to save with extra luggage costs. All that is cheaper than getting a one way ticket from my local airport! 😐

 

Edited October 24, 2019 by Lotts

[designguy 1,179]

37 minutes ago, Lotts said:

Aaahhh, hello. 💜

 

Things are quietly in motion.

I have applied for a renewed passport. Tracked and signed for delivery.

Turns out it was quicker and cheaper to do that in the long run rather than wait for the embassy.

Once I have that in my hands, I can get started on sorting out my belongings and Ed, my cat.

I have a place to go sorted as well as someone willing to come out to get me, fly back with me from PHL or JFK, and take some of my luggage as theirs to save with extra luggage costs. All that is cheaper than getting a one way ticket from my local airport! 😐

 

Nice to hear things are moving in the right direction for you! Congrats and keep us updated

[J&S12 295]

3 hours ago, Lotts said:

Aaahhh, hello. 💜

 

Things are quietly in motion.

I have applied for a renewed passport. Tracked and signed for delivery.

Turns out it was quicker and cheaper to do that in the long run rather than wait for the embassy.

Once I have that in my hands, I can get started on sorting out my belongings and Ed, my cat.

I have a place to go sorted as well as someone willing to come out to get me, fly back with me from PHL or JFK, and take some of my luggage as theirs to save with extra luggage costs. All that is cheaper than getting a one way ticket from my local airport! 😐

 

I don't know which airline you're choosing, but Delta/KLM/Air France let your cat fly inside the cabin with you, but not into the UK. You would have to travel through France and the Euro Tunnel. 

 

 If I was you I would book a return flight to save money. If you book through KLM it's cheaper than Delta in most cases, even though they're sister companies. Monday-Wednesday are usually cheaper. 

 

I flew with my cat to France in cabin, then took a taxi through the tunnel under the English Channel into the UK, as pets aren't allowed to fly in cabin into the UK. 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

22 hours ago, Lotts said:

Aaahhh, hello. 💜

 

Things are quietly in motion.

I have applied for a renewed passport. Tracked and signed for delivery.

Turns out it was quicker and cheaper to do that in the long run rather than wait for the embassy.

Once I have that in my hands, I can get started on sorting out my belongings and Ed, my cat.

I have a place to go sorted as well as someone willing to come out to get me, fly back with me from PHL or JFK, and take some of my luggage as theirs to save with extra luggage costs. All that is cheaper than getting a one way ticket from my local airport! 😐

 

I may or may not be mildly stalking you around here to keep up with your progress to get home

 

GREAT news to hear that things seem to be moving in a positive direction now! In these instances where you just don't know where to start, once something - ANYthing - happens, it suddenly feels like the ball is rolling and it's easier to manage.

 

I'm so happy to hear someone may accompany you home - sometimes just someone's presence in times like this makes a world of difference.

[Cheschirecat 176]

Great news! Continued blessings 

[kiwibean 42]

I'm so glad to hear you're making some progress towards getting out.  It must be wonderful to see there's light at the end of the tunnel.  Keep going.  I bet there will be some bumps on the way, but you're almost there!

[Lotts 1,433]

Hello.

 

Okay, so, a few updates. 

I've had to install a sleep talk app to I could record all the things that have been going on; the abuse, stuff behind my back etc..

 

So, I found out that he has been continuing to contact and arrange to meet some girl he was (trying to be) secretly in and out of bed with since I've been here, even though he swore blind he wasn't.

 

After all the being so skint and living on hot pockets and cheap noodles... Spent the money his mum gave us for my AoS TWICE, tells everyone that he can't get my green card etc., because bills, food etc., I found out today that since march 19th, he's spend around $1500 illegally obtaining Adderall, "powder" and crystal meth. All behind my back, sneaking out at weekends, staying behind after work, making me walk around a Walmart in an area I wasnt comfortable with whilst he "fixed his steering wheel"... But picked up drugs. Taking them, selling them to his cousins etc.

 

I have everything on audio. I took photos of the texts between him and this woman selling him her prescription and asking for money in general. The deals are going on in his place of work!!! A Christian mechanic auto shop!!!!

Yet, I cannot get some conditioner. 😒 Some decent food or nutritional drinks.

All I got from the confrontation was a shrug, "sure", "what ever you think", "what ever you say".

 

My new passport is currently being mailed back to me. I've told him I want out, I want this divorce badly and I'm going to speak to his mother because she needs to know. She things I'm the bad person. So, as usual, I've been threatened with the repercussions, I'll be on the street, ICE, etc and I should not say anything... Gave me the whole I'm a bad wife, if I was a wife he wouldn't have to do these things etc.. all that BS. Classic him turn around move.

I'm absolutely fuming. He's done NOTHING but lie to me and mugged everyone else off.

 

I cannot wait to get my passport. I'm out of here. I've married a pathological liar, a cheater, a dealer, a deadbeat, an abusive a-hole. I am SO mad at myself. So, so mad. 

I just need to sort out Ed, I've basically packed all my stuff apart from clothes I've been wearing... I need to go home back to a place of love, support, positivity, and kindness. Not this prison cell of a basement with this controlling sociopath. 

 

So, a couple of questions, where does all of this stand with VAWA/WAVA(?) 

 

What would you do with all of this evidence? The audio, photos of texts etc..

 

Does anyone know where I can find a money tree so I can get out of here 😆

 

Thank you for letting me rant. I appreciate you all.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

Good for you for your detective work and for refusing to put up with garbage.

Others will be along with objective and potential VAWA advice.