Overbearing Vietnamese Mother Straining our Marriage

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

Your mother being your mother is a choice that was out of your hands, you chose your wife. You owe your wife your support and love, you owe your mother respect. When one is impossible because of the other's interference, it is incumbent on you to buffer them either by distance or literally. Do your relationship with both a favor, and move out. My wife is Filipino, I understand the family gifts, but they are just that, gifts, anyone I ever gave a gift to that complained to me, never received another from me again ...

[SOC2020 2]

My husband is the petitioner in our story. We are both Filipinos and he was born here in the US thus the citizenship. When I first got here I thought everything is gonna be great since I met his mom a lot of times before and she seemed nice but boy I was wrong lol. She acts nice but she wants to discreetly treat me as a maid since I don't have a job here and as per her opinion, doesnt pay for anything haha (my husband gives money to his mom for expenses here) Kept rambling about how before she does everryyythinggg in the house. but really she was just exaggerating, I know it cause I studied their patterns haha. And she gets super uneasy when she sees me relaxing in the house even though I already did chores clean cook etc. and finds something for me to do hahaha. And she meddles a lot. God oh god how she nitpicks everything thinking she is always right and everyone else are wrong. When I first realized what's happening I think I got depressed for a few weeks. I hated it here, I missed my comfortable life in the Philippines living my own life making and spending my own money, I even thought I regretted marrying at one point cause my in-law made me feel so helpless and worthless. Hi dear husband, that was not my proudest moment I know haha love you! I have always considered myself a strong person but that situation made me feel like . Whenever my husband goes to work I would cry or feel like crying cause I ###### hated being alone here in their house. Eventually, I have learned how to avoid them. My point is, I think you should ask your wife how she feels or what she thinks you guys can do at the moment so the both of you doesn't feel "stuck". I know it's hard on you, just make your wife feel she's heard and something is being done about it and you guys are a team against all odds. That helped me. We can't move to an apartment yet since I am still waiting for my EAD and I don't wanna put all of the financial strain on my husband. Maybe you can rent an apartment first before buying a house? If you can afford it, I feel like that would be a good stepping stone in settling down with just the two of you alone. Your mental and emotional health is worth splurging for.

 

*given the gift of the benefit of the doubt, our in-laws probably doesn't mean us harm and their actions could just be from their own personal insecurities but nonetheless hard to deal with lol.

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

Knee jerk reaction - try having a rational discussion with BOTH parents (your dad is just as complacent by not involving himself at all, as your mom is by behaving this way) and say your peace. No shouting, no disrespecting. If THAT doesn't seem to work, or they don't seem to respect those feelings, then I think you two may need to leave. I understand living with family is cheaper and helps you save money, but what good is money going to do if you and/or your wife are miserable and it potentially creates tension between the two of you? By your words, it doesn't seem apparent at all that your marriage is suffering - yet. I wouldn't wait until it got to that point, or allow the opportunity for it to get to that point, if it were me.

 

I like something another poster said earlier - you did not choose your mother, but you did choose your wife. She's your family now, and you are both adults. You have the luxury of designing your own life together, and your own household. That includes gift giving. I can understand and appreciate cultural expectations when it comes to family and gift giving, but YOU decide, as a united front and partnership, what you consider acceptable in your household when it comes to cultural norms.

 

While it wasn't my parents, I had close family become super judgmental of my choice to marry someone of color (he's biologically Filipino, but born and raised in Sweden), and then even more so when he officially moved here and we were living together before technically getting married (which was literally only a couple of weeks). I took it to heart. I'd never been in a situation where I was judged so harshly by my own family. I hadn't experienced that before and it was difficult. But I coped with it, embraced the fact that my husband IS my family now and the only people who matter are the ones within our circle now, and it may not be a lot - but it works. Quality over quantity.

 

Again - it definitely needs to be recognized how level headed you come across with this. These type of things can really get a person emotionally heightened.

[blooms 63]

Hi,

 

Sorry to hear this, I feel especially bad for your wife. I would never want to live under the same roof as my parents as I have my own family now. It’s their house, their rules type of thing and conflict is inevitable in such proximity. Same thing with my in laws, never want them to live with us too. Because we have OUR own house rules if that makes sense.

My only advice is, move out asap. Find an apartment and continue with house hunting. You have your own family now,,, your wife. 

[Mrsjackson 300]

Not sure how helpful this is but a mother in law does not have to be Vietnamese to be overbearing and a strain on a marriage! Believe me. 

[databit 328]

20 hours ago, Jjcouple said:

Life in america is expensive, life in america married is even more expensive.

 

 

 

Life is Portland, Oregon is expensive. But there are 49 other states and thousands of other cities in the US and many are way less expensive. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

16 minutes ago, databit said:

Life is Portland, Oregon is expensive. But there are 49 other states and thousands of other cities in the US and many are way less expensive. 

Not to mention other places that have large Vietnamese populations as well like the OC. 

[George & Roth 1,485]

When my wife’s parents bothered me (Cambodian) I just use beer and feel better. Need to have at least 3 though. And no tequila. 

[millefleur 5,035]

**Non-contributory post removed. Answer respectfully or do not respond.**

 

VJ Moderation

[ronniebreda 120]

2 hours ago, Mrsjackson said:

Not sure how helpful this is but a mother in law does not have to be Vietnamese to be overbearing and a strain on a marriage! Believe me. 

Amen! and this is why we live across the ocean from this mother (in law).

We lived with my parents (American wife) after marriage for a short time and luckily my parents were incredibly respectful, but it is no way to live married in Western Culture. We moved out ASAP and you should too. I understand finances and that is important,  but your marriage will not be fully your own unless you move out. 

Also, I am like your wife. I have not been accepted by my Dutch in-laws (especially the mother-in-law). The worst thing you can do is not stand up for your wife and let her be treated badly be your mother. Do not let your mother speak to your wife like that or treat her like that. Your parent's are gracious to let you live with them, but that does not allow disrespect. My in-laws have said awful things about me and my culture and treated me like I am not welcome and when we were first together, my husband did not stand up for me or our relationship. This creates resentment. BOUNDARIES. You need them. You chose your wife, your mother didn't. It is your own life. If you don't stand up for your relationship or wife, it will continue after you move out (it did even though my husband was 3k miles away in the US). 

Edited April 4, 2019 by ronniebreda

[britishandusa 446]

19 hours ago, Jjcouple said:

And my mom does most of the confrontation, while my dad sits back and does not challenge her- so we can't even talk to him about anything. 

This is exactly what happened to us! Then my dad got wind up by my mother and snapped. 

 

Honestly, I think it's just a Vietnamese thing. Once you get your own place, it'll be much better.

[TBoneTX 43,059]

I'm reminded of an old saying that Mama T-B. used to tell me often:

     "A son is a a son till he takes him a wife; a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life."

Only the OP can surmise whether his mother feels a sense of loss, given the situation.

[Kowatti 189]

19 hours ago, ronniebreda said:

Amen! and this is why we live across the ocean from this mother (in law).

We lived with my parents (American wife) after marriage for a short time and luckily my parents were incredibly respectful, but it is no way to live married in Western Culture. We moved out ASAP and you should too. I understand finances and that is important,  but your marriage will not be fully your own unless you move out. 

Also, I am like your wife. I have not been accepted by my Dutch in-laws (especially the mother-in-law). The worst thing you can do is not stand up for your wife and let her be treated badly be your mother. Do not let your mother speak to your wife like that or treat her like that. Your parent's are gracious to let you live with them, but that does not allow disrespect. My in-laws have said awful things about me and my culture and treated me like I am not welcome and when we were first together, my husband did not stand up for me or our relationship. This creates resentment. BOUNDARIES. You need them. You chose your wife, your mother didn't. It is your own life. If you don't stand up for your relationship or wife, it will continue after you move out (it did even though my husband was 3k miles away in the US). 

Well said!  You expressed my exact thoughts on this.  100% Agree.