Immigration wait destroys marriages?

[redvines 57]

I think any prolonged stressor can potentially destroy relationships, there are studies to show that having children is a significant relationship stressor (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2702669/) and even that getting married decreases relationship satisfcation (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3289759/).

 

Not all relationships last, some people just don't deal with conflict in compatible ways, sometimes people grow and change - but not together and they are no longer matched, sometimes people in relationships turn abusive and mean when stress happens. I'm sure the process breaks some relationships and that others finally get to live together and discover that there are problems or stressors that aren't easy to fix.

 

I feel very fortunate that my wife and I had a strong foundation of having lived together for the majority of our relationship, and knowing some of the things we have faced (immigration being the least of it) I have no doubt about our relationship. But I'm sure for some people immigration could be the most stressful thing they face in their whole relationship - because they are feeling that way while being half a world away from your spouse/best friend for comfort.

[Muhammad6777 0]

17 hours ago, Ayesha Kakar said:

How many married couples have ended up separating, divorcing before, or divorcing after the immigration process all because of how long the wait is and the depression and anxiety created from it all?

Is ur case pending at embassy ?? When was ur interveiw?  Whats reason of dealy ?

[OptimusSpice 164]

Wow! Some really harsh judgments in here on this one!  Everyone is wired differently.  Some people do really well in LDRs.  Other's struggle with it.  Just because it's easy for some, does not make it easy for others.  Being former military, I can assure that this process is very different from a "deployment" (for those that think just because soldiers do this that makes this somehow less painful). There have been times when the waiting and the distance - and the waiting without any real information regarding the process - no "day to count down to", so many things just in "limbo" indefinitely - it's broken me down completely.  Texts where tone gets read wrong, little things that would not have even become an issue if handled face to face becoming big things, unintentionally taking the pain and stress of distance out on each other, the pure exhaustion (neither of us sleep well apart, but together we slept soooo well), etc and so on.....  My fiance and I are both very "high touch" love language people.  We both have baggage from previous relationships (who doesn't really?).  Everyone has issues in varying degrees.  Neither of us are wired or built for LDR.  And there have been times when we really thought it would break us.  Ultimately, we both came to see that it doesn't matter what happens - we can't live without each other.  We could breathe in and breathe out and go through the motions of life - but we'd feel dead inside.  We don't want to even consider a life without each other, so no matter what we face - we face it together knowing that "our day" will come.  I understand the OP's lament.  I don't hear "weak relationship between two people with issues who wouldn't work out in the long run anyway".  I hear a person in pain, a pain that so many of us in this forum have felt and still feel.  While there may not be an answer to the OPs question, I can at least say "You're not alone.  Yes, the waiting is a special kind of hell.  It's made me vomit, lose sleep, cry at random on the bad days,  and hurt with a pain I didn't know was possible.  Hang in there!  Eventually the time WILL pass and you WILL get to be together and one day you'll look back at how long these days felt and they will be only a small percentage of the years shared together building a life.  Try to remember, especially during times of conflict with your partner, it's not "You vs Them but "You BOTH together vs the problem".  Sometimes it just hurts and it's easy to transfer that onto your partner. Try to learn to simply breathe and say "It hurts to be apart".  Embrace it, feel it, validate it - then let it pass.  Each day is a new day and it's one day closer!  

[Smelserjl 137]

My husband and I were living apart for nearly 2.5 years before he actually was able to come on the CR1 visa. It's not only the distance and the financial issues that cause a strain. It sometimes can be the people around you who question whether it's "real" or not, especially if your spouse is from a high fraud country. Many Americans get used to hearing negative stories ONLY about immigration on the news, and that can impact their perceptions of those going through immigration procedures. I'm happy to say my husband has his citizenship interview at the end of the month. The entire immigration process has taken nearly 4.5 years. We applied for CR1 visa in March 2014. It's expensive, it's embarrassing (how many personal questions are you asked at the interviews, at the borders/airports, by others, etc.?), it's depressing, and it can often feel disheartening when the person is already here. I saw someone else above mention how hard adjustment can be when finding a job or enrolling in a school, etc. takes a long time. It all takes a toll.

 

But--knowing you're together and weathering the storm--I think--is an incredible testament to the strength of the bond. Yes, a lot of people divorce in the US and around the world for so many different reasons. And I do agree that strains of immigration are not an excuse for divorce. It's expensive and hard being apart, but if you split because of time, then you don't have enough patience for marriage together. It's worth it in the end. And you have a lot of cool stories if you have future kids  

[Ayesha Kakar 9]

2 hours ago, Muhammad6777 said:

Is ur case pending at embassy ?? When was ur interveiw?  Whats reason of dealy ?

Our pd is may 18, 2018...Potomac. still awaiting approval 

[B_J 2,752]

I wish there were more people here who could have seen the story/timeline of sara...   Maybe they would be a little more understanding about how stressful this can really be and we would all be a little more thankful about how lucky we all were.

 

This process can take a toll on anyone and any relationship.  The immigration process would probably not be the sole reason for the failure of a relationship but it could certainly be a major factor.

 

Time to disappear again.

[The_Empyrean 733]

Weird topic, but i see the point.
Yeah it must have some influence on the relationship, but not the long wait or immigration process itself. The distance is the issue imo.
we've been together for over 4 years now, never doubted or second guessed myself or her in the whole relationship. The immigration process is just a process that we have to go through in order to move on with our lives together. I didn't take it as a challenge. It was more like "meh another 5-12 months. We did 3 years before that, not even worried, why to worry and question everything now?".

I don't take it differently, from when we weren't even close to moving. All was good, and still is. Just another anniversary to celebrate once we get past it. It's all in your head, attitude and general view of the situation. If you make it out as a bad experience, nothing will help, and everything will seem failing. Like people say "only the happy are lucky".
Obviously, it's stressful and makes you anxious. Deal with it, more ####### is coming your way in life. If every time, something fails or it gets tough, do You drop doing it? Of course no. Beautiful things take time to bloom. Make the best out of it.

[naz.Ammad 3]

hi,

mine is stressed out like hell, my husband has been in Ap for almost a year,  i do feel  sometimes that this Immigration process will distroy my marriage.

 

Edited October 11, 2018 by naz.Ammad

[Apple Bee 272]

I personally could not imagine wanting to divorce or separate from my husband after this long strenuous process. I would think going through something like this together would only strengthen the relationship. So much money, time, effort has been put into being able to be together, only to break up at the end of it all?? I'll be damned!

[bakphx1 785]

8 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

 

Or, "We can't afford a place of our own, and his parents don't like me living in their house at all,

     and I'm miserable, and it's stressing our marriage."

He who fail$ to plan plan$ to fail.

I hinted to that in the K1 issue of having a second person to support and they aren’t able to work.

 

This isn’t something to jump into thinking it’ll be quick and inexpensive.  The other side of that is people saying they need the visa right now, because they forged ahead with that expectation.

[Jaquelly 1,647]

I'm going to say this:

If the marriage cannot make it through the immigration process, that's a huge warning sign. There are things you will face in your life and marriage that go beyond waiting for the right to work, or the right to leave the US. It has made MY relationship stronger. You learn to compromise and work together. It is a challenge, but one that should make you stronger. 

[naz.Ammad 3]

12 minutes ago, PersaisX said:

I personally could not imagine wanting to divorce or separate from my husband after this long strenuous process. I would think going through something like this together would only strengthen the relationship. So much money, time, effort has been put into being able to be together, only to break up at the end of it all?? I'll be damned!

i mean we are not but it has been sooooo stressed that i even do no what to do, i can not go and live with him for unknow period of time, i have job/life here that i must do:(

I just hope whoever is waiting on a good news will get it soon.

[Apple Bee 272]

4 minutes ago, naz.Ammad said:

i mean we are not but it has been sooooo stressed that i even do no what to do, i can not go and live with him for unknow period of time, i have job/life here that i must do:(

I just hope whoever is waiting on a good news will get it soon.

Believe me I understand. I wish I could go live with him in Morocco until he gets his visa. The distance is difficult. I'm thankful for apps such as WhatsApp so that we can video chat every day but its just not the same as touching, kissing, holding that person, smelling their scent, looking in their eyes, going out places together etc. If I were to leave, I would be abandoning my job which I have put 10 years into and need in order to show I can support him when he comes here. Also if we're planning on purchasing a house together here my income is important and necessary. It sucks that we all have to be punished with a long wait because we happened to find love in another country.

[naz.Ammad 3]

5 hours ago, OptimusSpice said:

Wow! Some really harsh judgments in here on this one!  Everyone is wired differently.  Some people do really well in LDRs.  Other's struggle with it.  Just because it's easy for some, does not make it easy for others.  Being former military, I can assure that this process is very different from a "deployment" (for those that think just because soldiers do this that makes this somehow less painful). There have been times when the waiting and the distance - and the waiting without any real information regarding the process - no "day to count down to", so many things just in "limbo" indefinitely - it's broken me down completely.  Texts where tone gets read wrong, little things that would not have even become an issue if handled face to face becoming big things, unintentionally taking the pain and stress of distance out on each other, the pure exhaustion (neither of us sleep well apart, but together we slept soooo well), etc and so on.....  My fiance and I are both very "high touch" love language people.  We both have baggage from previous relationships (who doesn't really?).  Everyone has issues in varying degrees.  Neither of us are wired or built for LDR.  And there have been times when we really thought it would break us.  Ultimately, we both came to see that it doesn't matter what happens - we can't live without each other.  We could breathe in and breathe out and go through the motions of life - but we'd feel dead inside.  We don't want to even consider a life without each other, so no matter what we face - we face it together knowing that "our day" will come.  I understand the OP's lament.  I don't hear "weak relationship between two people with issues who wouldn't work out in the long run anyway".  I hear a person in pain, a pain that so many of us in this forum have felt and still feel.  While there may not be an answer to the OPs question, I can at least say "You're not alone.  Yes, the waiting is a special kind of hell.  It's made me vomit, lose sleep, cry at random on the bad days,  and hurt with a pain I didn't know was possible.  Hang in there!  Eventually the time WILL pass and you WILL get to be together and one day you'll look back at how long these days felt and they will be only a small percentage of the years shared together building a life.  Try to remember, especially during times of conflict with your partner, it's not "You vs Them but "You BOTH together vs the problem".  Sometimes it just hurts and it's easy to transfer that onto your partner. Try to learn to simply breathe and say "It hurts to be apart".  Embrace it, feel it, validate it - then let it pass.  Each day is a new day and it's one day closer!  

Thank you for you post, it made me feel lighter for some reasones.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

22 hours ago, redvines said:

having children is a significant relationship stressor

Will look at the PubMed stuff, but the general reality is that children can make a strong marriage stronger, and they can stress weaker marriages -- if for no other reason than you don't sleep for the first 3 years.

15 hours ago, bakphx1 said:

This isn’t something to jump into thinking it’ll be quick and inexpensive.  The other side of that is people saying they need the visa right now, because they forged ahead with that expectation.

Bingo.

17 hours ago, B_J said:

I wish there were more people here who could have seen the story/timeline of sara...   Maybe they would be a little more understanding about how stressful this can really be and we would all be a little more thankful about how lucky we all were.

There has been no story more heartbreaking before or since.  Not even those of us who got hosed by the consulates can rank with how USCIS hosed her.

Sara wrote to me some time ago from her older "estadia" account, but she apparently hasn't logged on to VJ recently.