My husband is cheating me

[Sandra G. 5,023]

One sided-love is self destruction.He  is  cheating on you for  3 years, I believe he clearly showed you that he doesn’t love you and doesn’t respect you either.
 

My dear do not walk but run from a scumbag like him.

[The_Empyrean 733]

Affair being 3 years long says everything about him you need to know.

He cannot be trusted, hence the 3 YEARS long affair.

He didn't come out himself, you had to find out yourself. So he isn't open about things and has no respect for you.

I agree with majority for the most part, move on. It's gonna be hard, but for the best. 

I don't even agree with flings/one night stands as a mistake? HOW can it be a mistake? I'm old enough, and these "mistakes" never came up to me. Like how do you do that? How do you land with someone else in bed "by accident"? If you're responsible, respectful and love your significant other, when you notice first "flirting" signs (i have friends from teenage years, that i "flirt" with, but it's a joking around flirting that we did for years, but it's for giggles and that's how we joked around for years), you either clarify for the other that you're married and not interested, or break off the communication completely, the end. And thats me talking about monogamous marriage. I can't talk about Poly cause it's different, but not easier than monogamous from what i've heard.

The fact of 3 years would be stomach dropping, she'd be out of the house before she said anything, and there would be absolutely NO way of coming back. HOW can you trust person again, who hid, cheated, avoided truth for YEARS? At this point, he'd be just a stranger that i never knew. 

 

Hope you'll find your peace, i know this won't change how you feel, but i know how it feels to be cheated on. It sucks. But don't let him make you feel less. NOW it's your time to flourish and show him what he gave up, take this time into your hands and be the best yourself that you can. And the rest will follow. Keep your chin up.

[chiggins82 87]

So this is what I've found out. The woman lives in Canada and he's never met her. Shes younger, but not young... like 27? (We're in our late 30s). I had about an hour to read the emails I found... there wasn't really anything that jumped out that told me she knew we were married, but he says she knew. He said he met her before we started dating and cut ties with her then.... and then in 2016 (about a year after I moved) she reached out to him. He said it was first because he was into things sexually that he didn't think I would be into (he never talked to me about that), but then he started getting involved more and more. They email every day. He would talk to her while he walked our dog and after I fell asleep.

 

Up until this, I thought was had a an extremely solid relationship. We didn't fight. We rarely argued. We talked every day... but I could tell he had been pulling away and he'd shut down if I wanted to talk about that. Anything to do with his feelings beyond the more superficial ones. I knew he was stressed at work an thought he might be going through a bit of a crisis (like, am I doing what I want, do I like my life, etc.) The past few months though, I noticed the bigger signs.. hiding his phone when I walked by, typing a lot and saying he was looking at articles... I knew he was lying.. 

 

but the bombshell is THREE YEARS and you're absolutely right. He never ended it. He never confessed to me. I had to catch him and only now he wants to work on things. I'm furious. I told him he could leave and decide what he wants to do, or he could break it off now and block her from communicating again... so he did that.

 

I've been cheated on before. I don't know now if we were solid enough to move past this. I would have thought so until yesterday. Now I question it. I've loved my life with him. He's my best friend. I'm scared to tell my family and friends because if I decide to choose to make an attempt at overcoming this, I don't think they would ever accept him again. Plus I feel like it's humiliating because it feels like I failed. I guess, I feel like I am dealing with so much pain right now, I don't think I can handle also dealing with my family.

 

Last night we slept in different rooms and I avoided him. I tried to pack up some things and he broke down crying, he got in front of my car and begged me to stay..

 

So now, we're both at work for the day. I could pack up before he gets home. Or he said if I needed, he would leave.

 

I think what I'm most confused about is that I don't know how much time to give this before I decide anything? Like should I rush right into kicking him out, or should we just get a counselor? I have EAP at work... Maybe I should just talk to someone on my own. I don't want to make decisions out of anger, but I don't want to not do anything. Right now, I feel numb. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anger right now, I don't feel sad... I just know that something needs to happen and I don't know what.

 

I guess the lucky thing for me, we both have good jobs. I have the means to leave if I need. We don't have kids, just a dog..

 

 

 

[Georgia16 2,858]

20 minutes ago, chiggins82 said:

So this is what I've found out. The woman lives in Canada and he's never met her. Shes younger, but not young... like 27? (We're in our late 30s). I had about an hour to read the emails I found... there wasn't really anything that jumped out that told me she knew we were married, but he says she knew. He said he met her before we started dating and cut ties with her then.... and then in 2016 (about a year after I moved) she reached out to him. He said it was first because he was into things sexually that he didn't think I would be into (he never talked to me about that), but then he started getting involved more and more. They email every day. He would talk to her while he walked our dog and after I fell asleep.

 

Up until this, I thought was had a an extremely solid relationship. We didn't fight. We rarely argued. We talked every day... but I could tell he had been pulling away and he'd shut down if I wanted to talk about that. Anything to do with his feelings beyond the more superficial ones. I knew he was stressed at work an thought he might be going through a bit of a crisis (like, am I doing what I want, do I like my life, etc.) The past few months though, I noticed the bigger signs.. hiding his phone when I walked by, typing a lot and saying he was looking at articles... I knew he was lying.. 

 

but the bombshell is THREE YEARS and you're absolutely right. He never ended it. He never confessed to me. I had to catch him and only now he wants to work on things. I'm furious. I told him he could leave and decide what he wants to do, or he could break it off now and block her from communicating again... so he did that.

 

I've been cheated on before. I don't know now if we were solid enough to move past this. I would have thought so until yesterday. Now I question it. I've loved my life with him. He's my best friend. I'm scared to tell my family and friends because if I decide to choose to make an attempt at overcoming this, I don't think they would ever accept him again. Plus I feel like it's humiliating because it feels like I failed. I guess, I feel like I am dealing with so much pain right now, I don't think I can handle also dealing with my family.

 

Last night we slept in different rooms and I avoided him. I tried to pack up some things and he broke down crying, he got in front of my car and begged me to stay..

 

So now, we're both at work for the day. I could pack up before he gets home. Or he said if I needed, he would leave.

 

I think what I'm most confused about is that I don't know how much time to give this before I decide anything? Like should I rush right into kicking him out, or should we just get a counselor? I have EAP at work... Maybe I should just talk to someone on my own. I don't want to make decisions out of anger, but I don't want to not do anything. Right now, I feel numb. I don't feel anything. I don't feel anger right now, I don't feel sad... I just know that something needs to happen and I don't know what.

 

I guess the lucky thing for me, we both have good jobs. I have the means to leave if I need. We don't have kids, just a dog..

 

 

 

I’m kinda getting mad at him and I’m not even there! 
who cares if SHE knew if he was married or not HE knew HE is the one there should have stopped that and be like hey I’m married this is wrong. He didn’t. 
mans then the part that it was YOU he couldn’t talk to you and you weren’t open for talk and bla bla bla HE is blaming YOU instead of looking inside himself. I don’t think he will stop that connection it seems like they have a strong connection. But that is just my thought. 
 

You should get counseling both as a couple and then each individual also. 
You don’t have to do anything rushed but don’t let him blame you for this. This is on him!

 

 

[yuna628 9,547]

OP: I know... I know.... it doesn't feel like this right now.. but..   It is not your fault. You are not a failure. There is nothing you could have done, no way you could 'be better' to cause anything to happen differently. Your heart, your trust, your soul, and your marriage has been abused by a man who cared nothing about any of these things. He is not sorry. He is sorry he got caught and has to make a choice. I'm a bridge burner, because well, I've been hurt before deeply. And I felt all those things you do now, and it took me a long time to not feel that way anymore. At the end of it all, I realized that person wasn't worth it, and it was time to start taking care of me.

 

You have two choices: Counseling and risk and hope he is willing to break clean and stay true.

Or pick up and move on. Focus on yourself. You picked up and left your entire life behind for him, and he betrayed and now risks everything without a care to you. Yes it will be hard, but it does sound like you have friends and family that will support you, and a path forward. They have every right to not want to support him either - afterall it's *you* they care about.

[Lucky2Lucky 2,526]

OP- I’m sorry this happened to you. Definitely utilize those EAP counseling sessions and if you need more than are allotted they will help you find a therapist that is covered by your insurance. This is all new and overwhelming and the feelings you have are normal. First take care of yourself and talk with someone. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it with family and friends yet- that’s fine- you have us and please utilize those EAP sessions. Down the road if you feel you want to work things out and he’s willing you can do couples counseling. As for now, in my opinion, you need to work through this with someone. Some advice- yours to follow or not- don’t read anymore of his emails. Don’t do that to yourself. You are hurting yourself and no one else. You already know it’s bad- there’s no justification for an ongoing affair- you won’t find an answer or solution in the emails. Focus on you- please speak with someone. Good luck 

[Russ&Caro 1,548]

My advice:

1. Get some distance from him for a set amount of time, e.g. live apart for 1 month, don't speak by phone for 1 week. You need some perspective and you only get that by being apart.

2. Next, counseling, as others have stated.

3. Then, once you've had some time to reflect, reach out to the one family member or friend back home that you can trust the most and who will give you the best advice. You don't have to tell everyone but you should have at least one person you can rely on.

4. During counseling, bring up whether your husband is a sex addict. If he totally denies it and refuses to consider the idea, that's a red flag. He might not be a sex addict but he's crossed enough lines that the concept should not be foreign or offensive to him.

[chiggins82 87]

31 minutes ago, yuna628 said:

OP: I know... I know.... it doesn't feel like this right now.. but..   It is not your fault. You are not a failure. There is nothing you could have done, no way you could 'be better' to cause anything to happen differently. Your heart, your trust, your soul, and your marriage has been abused by a man who cared nothing about any of these things. He is not sorry. He is sorry he got caught and has to make a choice. I'm a bridge burner, because well, I've been hurt before deeply. And I felt all those things you do now, and it took me a long time to not feel that way anymore. At the end of it all, I realized that person wasn't worth it, and it was time to start taking care of me.

 

You have two choices: Counseling and risk and hope he is willing to break clean and stay true.

Or pick up and move on. Focus on yourself. You picked up and left your entire life behind for him, and he betrayed and now risks everything without a care to you. Yes it will be hard, but it does sound like you have friends and family that will support you, and a path forward. They have every right to not want to support him either - afterall it's *you* they care about.

I know this isn't my fault. No matter what good bad I have done, I did not choose to step outside of the marriage. I didn't choose to hide it and keep it going. Thank you for reminding of this. I know it, but it is near impossible to shake those other feelings of guilt on myself.

 

6 minutes ago, Luckycuds said:

OP- I’m sorry this happened to you. Definitely utilize those EAP counseling sessions and if you need more than are allotted they will help you find a therapist that is covered by your insurance. This is all new and overwhelming and the feelings you have are normal. First take care of yourself and talk with someone. I understand if you don’t want to talk about it with family and friends yet- that’s fine- you have us and please utilize those EAP sessions. Down the road if you feel you want to work things out and he’s willing you can do couples counseling. As for now, in my opinion, you need to work through this with someone. Some advice- yours to follow or not- don’t read anymore of his emails. Don’t do that to yourself. You are hurting yourself and no one else. You already know it’s bad- there’s no justification for an ongoing affair- you won’t find an answer or solution in the emails. Focus on you- please speak with someone. Good luck 

I'm going to call this afternoon once my last meeting is over. Thank goodness I have them. I can't access the emails. For all I know he deleted them. He left for a walk yesterday and I was going to do some yoga.. I opened our laptop and he hadn't logged out... and I looked.... and then had an hour before he came home... so I looked at a bunch. I saw how many. Honestly if this was a sexual thing, I feel like I could move on with work and commitment. But these emails.... it was a full online relationship. And who knows what they talked about on Skype and outside of the emails. It's just such a deep deception. He was fully capable of this for such a long period time with almost no signs (well who knows, maybe there were and I'll realize later...)

 

Thank you so much everyone for replying on here. It helps so much to just write out some of this.. and It helps more writing to people that know the sacrifice I went through to be here.

 

His mom keeps texting me about THanksgiving... We're supposed to bring things for it... just every little thing is twisting the knife deeper right now.

[debbiedoo 2,339]

Since you dont have kids, i wouldnt do thanksgiving with his family.

 

id go to the beach alone. or where ever your 'happy place' is. or a place that is away from him for the weekend. let him deal with his family.

[chiggins82 87]

3 minutes ago, Russ&Caro said:

My advice:

1. Get some distance from him for a set amount of time, e.g. live apart for 1 month, don't speak by phone for 1 week. You need some perspective and you only get that by being apart.

2. Next, counseling, as others have stated.

3. Then, once you've had some time to reflect, reach out to the one family member or friend back home that you can trust the most and who will give you the best advice. You don't have to tell everyone but you should have at least one person you can rely on.

4. During counseling, bring up whether your husband is a sex addict. If he totally denies it and refuses to consider the idea, that's a red flag. He might not be a sex addict but he's crossed enough lines that the concept should not be foreign or offensive to him.

Thank you so much for this advice... I'm going back and forth on whether I need to have that space or if I should just reach out to a counselor first. I'm thinking space is needed. Last night I told him I needed space and I went into the bedroom. He came in 3 times over the evening. To tell me he's sorry and that he knows this is his fault and that he doesn't deserve me, once to say that he was reading a book on infidelity and it was giving him even more perspective on how much he hurt me, once to ask if the dog could come hang out with me....

 

I'm scared to be alone right now, but I think it might be because I don't trust him (If I am gone, will he contact her. etc.etc.). That isn't healthy or helpful for me.

 

I never thought about the sex addict part... He was a virgin when I met him. He'd never had a girlfriend. I'm pretty certain that's all true.

 

 

[Lucky2Lucky 2,526]

33 minutes ago, debbiedoo said:

Since you dont have kids, i wouldnt do thanksgiving with his family.

 

id go to the beach alone. or where ever your 'happy place' is. or a place that is away from him for the weekend. let him deal with his family.

This poster has good advice. If he wants to go to his family's for Thanksgiving- let him. In my opinion you shouldn't HAVE to be around his family.. this soon after what you've just discovered. Stay at home with the dog, go for a run/hike with the dog, go to the movies by yourself (but you'll be around others), rent a movie, finish up a book you've been meaning to, clean-whatever keeps your mind a bit busy. If you want to be left alone- tell him. I need this day alone etc. Maybe he can stay with his family for a night or two? There's no harm in speaking with a professional counselor- there's no need to go through this alone

[debbiedoo 2,339]

3 minutes ago, Luckycuds said:

This poster has good advice. If he wants to go to his family's for Thanksgiving- let him. In my opinion you shouldn't HAVE to be around his family.. this soon after what you've just discovered. Stay at home with the dog, go for a run/hike with the dog, go to the movies by yourself (but you'll be around others), rent a movie, finish up a book you've been meaning to, clean-whatever keeps your mind a bit busy. If you want to be left alone- tell him. I need this day alone etc. Maybe he can stay with his family for a night or two? There's no harm in speaking with a professional counselor- there's no need to go through this alone

my ex and i were separated several times before the 'for good'. there were many holidays where i went to my family gatherings ALONE (well, with kids in my case).

[Mrs Ryan Carreras 247]

I’m so sorry this happened to you.
This happened to me in my first relationship and we had a child. I thought I had to stay for the child. I wanted so badly to forgive him and had him block her, I put him in prison per say for years. 
 It was not healthy for him nor I. 
I naturally fell out of love with him and never could forgive him despite me trying to watch his every move. I was miserable. 
We tried everything and we can all say try this or try that... I believe you will know how you feel and if you can forgive one day.  
It took me five years of “staying” but you’ll know once you’ve tried what’s best for you. We all deal with things differently and no one can say or tell the future. 
However, Never accept the blame and your intuition will lead you down your path for happiness.
This is not about him now but what you want. You may grieve for a day or years. That’s your prerogative and your right as a individual. 
Keep your head up and know that you didn’t ruin anything and there is not ONE excuse that makes this Ok. 
I wish you the best no matter what you decide. 
Had I not finally left than I’d never have met my husband and have my baby girl. 
Good luck to you and this shall pass on your own time.. no one else’s. 

Edited November 25, 2019 by Sarah n Ryan

[Egyptjourney 2]

He knew exactly what he was doing, and know that you know, he wants to beg for forgiveness. Think long and hard. 3 years he did this. And if u did not find out, it would have been divorce or three more years. he should have respected you, respected your marriage, Valued you as a wife. I hate when men think they can just do what every they want. What about you, excuse about u not wanting to do sexual things that the other girl wanted to do, he never asked you. its bullshit!

[LoveAlways2 90]

OP I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you heal soon and that you get the happiness you deserve. 

 

I went through cheating as well. My ex husband always had communication with other women from another country.  I caught him 3 times during our 3 year marriage, and when i did he would end those affairs, then after a couple of months he would start again, sometimes with a different woman. He used to do this with women from the city where his dad used to live. He lived there a few years too so he knew them but did not see them during our marriage.  I forgave him because I thought he was not really seeing them, and it was all text and messages. But every time he would do it again, until one day, while on vacation to this city, he left me in the home we were staying to go out with this friends, and he cheated on me this time physically with another woman. 

 

I didn't know, I just saw messages the next day but I did not read anything that let me know he actually met with this woman. When we came back I told him we needed couples counseling. He had to agree (I wanted couples therapy for a long time and he never agreed) but I told him straight away the things he needed to do, I told him even if he did every single one of the things we needed to do I couldn't assure him I was going to stay. In my mind I needed to try everything before leaving. He cheated in April, we went to therapy, there he confessed he slept with another woman, I left him by June. 

 

So it took time to make that decision (and it was the best decision I could have made) , it was hard, but I was clear that going through therapy and all that work wouldn't mean I stayed. Take your time, set  up your rules, go to couples therapy, and then make a decision. Just make sure that your decision is going to bring happiness to your life. I wish you the best!