Is getting married becoming a 'technicality'?

[Daphne . 1,671]

Hello all,

 

I do not post much on VJ but I do read a lot!

 

As you know, the visa process takes forever so that leaves a lot of time for thinking and reflection..😀 and reading through all the topics I have come to the realization that getting married seems to have become a means to a goal instead of the goal itself.

 

I know that when it comes to Immigration, getting married can be a game changer as it will mean the difference between being together or not, so I know that it can in a way be a 'technicality'. But getting married is (or should be) a huge commitment to the person you love, you promise to love and support this person for the rest of your life. It took me 43 years to find the person that I actually loved enough to marry, but that is just my silly thing.. I know that marriages don't always work out, no matter how hard you try and no matter how much time you have spent before getting married.

 

When I read posts here that people have never met before (but have talked online) and plan to propose on the first date, I just don't understand?! Some people are already even informing what would be considered proof of meeting each other to provide the USCIS with, before the actual meeting even takes place! Isn't that the wrong way around? 😵

I know it is hard to be apart and that it is a (financial, emotional, time) burden to travel back an forth for a long time but getting married is a serious thing to think about! Even if it seems to be your only 'ticket' to be with your loved one..(which does not aways have to be the case though..)

 

Please understand that I am not judging anybody or trying to be the morality police here.. I just realized that when it comes to Immigration, the getting married part seems to have become a mere 'hurdle' that some people are willing to take/have to take in order to be able together with their boy/girlfriend as soon as possible and is sometimes losing its romantic commitment character..

 

I hope I am not offending anybody, as this post is not about whether or not it is normal to get married on the first date, it is just a reflection on how different the constitution of marriage is when it comes to Immigration..

 

[TBoneTX 43,058]

4 hours ago, Daphne K said:

people have never met before (but have talked online) and plan to propose on the first date

Marry in haste, repent in leisure.

4 hours ago, Daphne K said:

getting married can be a game changer

1.  The most dangerous food is Wedding Cake.

2.  Socrates died from an overdose of Wedlock.

[Boiler 43,433]

The only place I have ever come across somebody marrying on first meet is on here, does not seem to happen in the real world.

 

Marriage as an institution is on decline in the western sphere for very good reasons, however one bulwark seems to be Immigration.

 

Would make an interesting study.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

All excellent observations.

[DaveAndAnastasia 2,078]

7 hours ago, Daphne K said:

Some people are already even informing what would be considered proof of meeting each other to provide the USCIS with, before the actual meeting even takes place! Isn't that the wrong way around? 😵

While I agree a lot of what you said is getting ahead of things (even as someone who did propose the during second week we spent together...), if you do even a little homework before you meet your online foreign romantic interest the first time, you're going to realize that there pretty much aren't any practical ways to get your partner to the US to stay that don't involve marriage. And if you don't know they're very useful for evidence of a meeting, it's very easy to throw out boarding passes, not take pictures with both of you in them, and the like. So I don't think that one's problematic.

[Ontarkie 13,915]

When I met my fiance we were only friends and nothing more. Played a game together for yrs. One night that change. 

I had 4 kids at the time. No way was I going to get into something and not have all my ducks in a row. I knew what I needed to do to get married and knew what would happen if things didn't work out. (Would I have to leave would I be able to stay. Wall those what if's) All of this was before we even met. Meeting was just to confirm our feelings and to make sure of those things. 

 

I do not believe that marriage is being just a tool to be together. Maybe for a few as they never pictured themselves the marrying type, but alas they found someone worthy to take that leap. 

 

As for getting married on the first date they have a whole TV show of ppl doing just that and immigration is not part of it. 

 

I don't see any harm in researching things before getting to serious. If you look into things to start with you don't have any surprises. 

[Carpe Vinum 2,310]

I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking time spent communicating on-line is equal to time actually spent together in person. Then they are disappointed and heart broken when their one or to trip (with one or two week of total facetime) K-1 marriages don't work out.

[TBoneTX 43,058]

There are 3 distinct phases to relationships here:

 

1.  The correspondence phase

2.  The telephone/video phase

3.  The in-person phase

 

The first two can go swimmingly, but if there's the slightest sense of something amiss in the third, take major heed.

My radar was fully engaged during my first in-person interactions with Mrs. T-B.-to-be.  Nothing activated it.

After these many years, my conclusion is, "The most dangerous food is Wedding Cake."  

[JFH 12,189]

We do have some record-holders on her for fastest engagement. We also consequently see some extremely short marriages and quick divorces. I often browse the “major changes” threads and see a common theme among those  who marry women from countries where meeting, proposing (and starting the K-1) all seem to happen within a week. I see the phrase “when she got here she changed”. Now, it’s possible that in some cases the besotted American was being used by a girl from a less developed country to find a better life and there was never any love involved for her. But for the most part, they didn’t “change”, they just didn’t know each other properly and only once they are here and living under the same roof 24/7 and the tropical vacation is over do they realise who they’ve decided to marry. 

 

We are by no means a traditional couple. I have a career, husband doesn’t work outside the home and he does the cooking and cleaning, the laundry and all the yard work. We have decided not to have children. We also belong to a very minority faith. But we wanted to get married about 10 months after we met. We actually waited 2.5 years before we got married (we had to - I was still legally married to my first husband although we had been living separately for years). We like the concept of marriage. So for us it wasn’t a technicality. But I think for many it can be. My brother and his wife got married after having three children together and only because they needed to be married for him to be able to stay with her in her country. His time on his work visa there had expired and the only way to stay was to get married, so they did. 

Edited June 8, 2019 by JFH

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

With my first American husband (we met at a party and moved in together that night), I knew we were going to get married that first week. We almost did too. We were amazingly alike, maybe too much in some ways.

 

I knew pretty much a week or two after we sent the first messages that my now husband and I would also get married. We'll be married for 7 years soon. We're different in the right ways, I suppose.  The engagement was quick and so was the marriage, but I don't really believe in "dating", but rather courtship. I have no interest in casual long term monogamy, but I see that is becoming increasingly popular as well. If it isn't heading towards marriage, why bother?  I don't understand the allure of casual dating, but I, like you OP, am not judging.

[HKS 169]

Here is another thought. There are many countries in the world where arranged marriage are norm. In some of these arranged marriage the couples never even get to date, talk, get to know one another, etc. 

Also, what about the countries that are constantly at war. Those ppl live more in the moment cause thry could die at anytime. 

And then there are countries that the couple can't date unless they are engaged. 

Course there are the rare love at first sight. 

Idk... To each his own. 

Maybe there are many many different reasons, but I do get the possible marriage for the sake of immigration vs love thoughts. 

Life is complicated. Hopefully we are lucky enough to find someone special to spend the time with and just find happiness. 

[Boris Farage 353]

1 hour ago, HKS said:

Here is another thought. There are many countries in the world where arranged marriage are norm. In some of these arranged marriage the couples never even get to date, talk, get to know one another, etc. 

Also, what about the countries that are constantly at war. Those ppl live more in the moment cause thry could die at anytime. 

And then there are countries that the couple can't date unless they are engaged. 

Course there are the rare love at first sight. 

Idk... To each his own. 

Maybe there are many many different reasons, but I do get the possible marriage for the sake of immigration vs love thoughts. 

Life is complicated. Hopefully we are lucky enough to find someone special to spend the time with and just find happiness. 

 

It's madness to me, that somebody would have a long distance relationship with somebody in another country, fly off to meet them once for a week, and then return to start filing paperwork for their "fiancee." Complete madness, especially for these high fraud countries.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

2 hours ago, Boris Farage said:

 

It's madness to me, that somebody would have a long distance relationship with somebody in another country, fly off to meet them once for a week, and then return to start filing paperwork for their "fiancee." Complete madness, especially for these high fraud countries.

While I don't completely disagree with you -- personally, I couldn't do this, and I had problems enough with my former spouses (both natives of your own country), both of whom I had known AND lived with before getting married -- there are certainly situations where marriage has been discussed at length, a long visit is impractical for security reasons, and both parties are comfortable with the arrangement. Let me put this to you -- if I am not mistaken, you recently posted in another context that one should not enquire into relationships between consenting adults that may seem distasteful to others. How is this different?

 

Further, to which "high fraud countries" do you refer? Just... asking. 

[Boiler 43,433]

1 minute ago, elmcitymaven said:

While I don't completely disagree with you -- personally, I couldn't do this, and I had problems enough with my former spouses (both natives of your own country), both of whom I had known AND lived with before getting married -- there are certainly situations where marriage has been discussed at length, a long visit is impractical for security reasons, and both parties are comfortable with the arrangement. Let me put this to you -- if I am not mistaken, you recently posted in another context that one should not enquire into relationships between consenting adults that may seem distasteful to others. How is this different?

 

Further, to which "high fraud countries" do you refer? Just... asking. 

They can do what they want to and whilst some of it may seem odd as long as they are not seeking an immigration benefit then whatever.

 

High Fraud, well it is not a specific list but widely understood, where the focus is moving somewhere else.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Just now, Boiler said:

They can do what they want to and whilst some of it may seem odd as long as they are not seeking an immigration benefit then whatever.

 

High Fraud, well it is not a specific list but widely understood, where the focus is moving somewhere else.

Well, I'm sure after all these years you and I both have our own "high fraud" lists we mentally keep, Boiler.   I want to know boyo's here.

 

I agree that it really is up to the parties involved. I know my own tolerance for making big decisions in limited amounts of time, which is why I've been with my boyfriend without a ring on my finger for over 8 years now. I am now, perhaps, excessively prudent.