Tips on How to Ease the Transition

[Going through 5,668]

There will be periods where he is seemingly very happy, and there will be periods where he is seemingly miserable.

Biggest piece of advice I can give you is don't rush him into "assimilating" into American culture, and don't get frustrated if it seems he's not adjusting quickly enough to your tastes (ie. arguments will crop up and it's going to be partly because he's like a fish out of water right now and frustrated).  Remember, this is about him not you at this time.  A lot of USCs come to VJ frustrated because "things aren't working out" and then it's revealed the foreigner has been in the country a few weeks or just a month or so.   Some people come to the US and it takes several months or even YEARS to fully adjust to a different lifestyle, different surroundings, different language, different customs, different cuisine.  Add in that he's away from his friends and family and a bulk of his time will be spent alone while he's waiting to find work/be authorized to work and it can become quite isolating at times.

 

It will take him as long as it takes him---heck, I've been living in the US since 2004 and I still don't feel like this is "home" completely.  And I still regret leaving behind everything at times.

 

Visiting is much much different than living in the USA.  Also remember that everything you take for granted right now is going to be completely foreign to him (no pun intended)...simple things like how to pay on public transit, mailing something from the post office, where to get a great cup of coffee, brand names in grocery stores, etc. is completely different for him now.  So just be patient as you can, and try to start out exploring his new surroundings with him (if you can take some time off work when he arrives).

 

When he gets homesick (and he will), consider taking him out to a great Lebanese restaurant to give him a little bit of familiarity and to celebrate his own culture---familiar food can be very comforting.

Edited April 26, 2019 by Going through

[Ash.1101 1,755]

Shoot I felt like this and my husband didn’t have much cultural difference. But he had a great job that he had a great chance at growth and success, not to mention close family. 

 

it took a loooong time (year+) for me to stop feeling like he threw his life away. (It was hard for me to believe that he made the right choice and left a successful life with a future successful career and ultimately a path people would be envious of, to choose to move and get a semi-crappy but well paying, marry someone 6 years older, 60 pounds heavier, and with a special needs child to boot)

Edited April 26, 2019 by Ash.1101

[databit 328]

4 hours ago, celie&joseph said:

I completely agree!!! I've told him he looks amazing with a clean cut barely-there beard, but trust me when I say God himself would have to come down from the skies and do a personal shave on him for him to take that off lol 😴😭

Oh, I think YOU have the power to get him to shave...let him suffer just a bit of "deprivation," if you get what I mean, until the beard is gone---that should do it 😉

[Loren Y 2,732]

Best thing is to not let him sit around, definitely do things. My wife has just passed the 5 month mark of moving here, and she has been adjusting well. The first walmart trip is the best. Any grocery trip is amazingly fun. My wife couldn't believe how everything was done for you here. She picked up some sliced mushrooms one time and said why are they sliced? I said because we are lazy here in the US and it makes things easier. She was like I'm not lazy, so I will buy the cheaper whole mushrooms and slice them myself. There are so many things she sees still now and is blown away. Still, the best part is at least once a week she says something about this or that that is so funny I laugh about it for hours( Seriously), you will see. But I got her in English school, and another tech school to keep her busy, and she has so many friends now that have also moved here from Thailand that she is really enjoying things now. It was a little tough at first, but I took her to some of the Thai temples around town ( We got married in one, and that made her so happy to have a traditional Thai wedding, and it was really cheap as a bonus). Talking to Thai's that have been here 10,20,30 years has helped more than anything. Finding out where to buy the stuff she needs to cook original Thai food from home really helped her out. It is a ton of little things that will go a long way. I took me weeks to convince her to use the dishwasher, she just couldn't fathom a machine to wash dishes in your house, the same with the washer and drier for clothes. I taught her to use the bus system, and that bus pass really gives her some freedom to not be tied down at home, she goes to school on her own in the mornings, and just loves the city bus ( Another thing I won't understand). She still has days when she misses home, and I would too I'm sure, but you just be as supportive as you can, and it seems the things you can do to make her feel at home are the best. Just this week I put up a flagpole in the front yard with the US flag and her Thai flag on the pole. She was so happy when she came home from school and saw her Thai flag flapping in the wind in front of the house, it just made her so happy. I put a little prayer/ worship shelf on the wall like she had at home, and she has her Buddha statue, and other things just like home. She get flowers from the rose bushes and puts them on the shelf, and all sorts of things. It is a serious change, and there will be thousand of things you will be questioned about, and have to try and explain, but I think that is what makes it fun for both of us.

[Zoeeeeeee 796]

I stayed in LA for six months in 2019, which is how me and my fiancé met. Appreciate that staying somewhere for six months and moving somewhere permanently are very different things - however, after around five months, I did start to really miss home, which surprised me...

 

The main thing that got to me was that those cultural norms were missing...like, there are certain references in England that you can make and everyone immediately understands what you’re talking about - references to certain TV shows (we have some programmes that have been on TV for 30 years - there is no one that hasn’t watched them at least once) or certain celebrities or icons or just things...but I would reference one of these things without thinking and would be met by a blank stare from everyone...or a friend would reference something in the same way, but an American version...everyone in the room gets it and I’m just confused...

 

It’s not a super big deal...but sometimes, you just wish someone would understand what it means when you describe someone as looking like a Mitchell brother...

 

However! What really helps with that is finding someone or even several someone’s who come from your country, who you can hang out with occasionally and who get you - fortunately I made a couple of English friends out there - I don’t need to see them all the time, but it’s great to know if I need to hear a English accent, just occasionally, I know where I can go to find one.

 

My fiancé also took me to celebrate British New Year - it was done at 4pm, as California is 8 hours behind the UK - and it was hosted in a British themed pub, with pictures of Only Fools and Horses and On The Buses on the walls (again, anyone not from the UK will have no idea what I’m rambling on about here) - basically, it was the kind of pub I definitely wouldn’t actually visit whilst in England...but in LA, filled with British people celebrating New Years, it was like a little chunk of home 🙃.

Edited April 26, 2019 by Zoeeeeeee

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

1 hour ago, Zoeeeeeee said:

I stayed in LA for six months in 2019, which is how me and my fiancé met. Appreciate that staying somewhere for six months and moving somewhere permanently are very different things - however, after around five months, I did start to really miss home, which surprised me...

 

The main thing that got to me was that those cultural norms were missing...like, there are certain references in England that you can make and everyone immediately understands what you’re talking about - references to certain TV shows (we have some programmes that have been on TV for 30 years - there is no one that hasn’t watched them at least once) or certain celebrities or icons or just things...but I would reference one of these things without thinking and would be met by a blank stare from everyone...or a friend would reference something in the same way, but an American version...everyone in the room gets it and I’m just confused...

 

It’s not a super big deal...but sometimes, you just wish someone would understand what it means when you describe someone as looking like a Mitchell brother...

 

However! What really helps with that is finding someone or even several someone’s who come from your country, who you can hang out with occasionally and who get you - fortunately I made a couple of English friends out there - I don’t need to see them all the time, but it’s great to know if I need to hear a English accent, just occasionally, I know where I can go to find one.

 

My fiancé also took me to celebrate British New Year - it was done at 4pm, as California is 8 hours behind the UK - and it was hosted in a British themed pub, with pictures of Only Fools and Horses and On The Buses on the walls (again, anyone not from the UK will have no idea what I’m rambling on about here) - basically, it was the kind of pub I definitely wouldn’t actually visit whilst in England...but in LA, filled with British people celebrating New Years, it was like a little chunk of home 🙃.

When my wife came here to the USA imwe loved out to LA and it was easier for her to adjust being there. That is because she is Filipino which we lived in Eagle Rock at the time and there are alot of Filipinos around there. 

[TBoneTX 43,194]

9 hours ago, celie&joseph said:

God himself would have to come down from the skies and do a personal shave on him for him to take that off lol 😴😭

Easier to officially change your name to Delilah.

10 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

1.  MAGA cap

2.  T-shirt that says "Relax, Gringo -- I'm Legal!"

They actually do make those T-shirts.  Look online.

 

3.  Cover pink mohawk/purple mohawk/Seagal ponytail with MAGA cap

Edited April 27, 2019 by TBoneTX

[TBoneTX 43,194]

In addition to the humorous yet still-solid recommendations of above, I also recommend the following.

 

Take him somewhere (on a walk, to a store, on a drive).  After a while, ask him what stands out/what's different.

Let him explain why the item/scene/action/event grabbed his attention.

Discuss it.  This enables better understanding for both of you.

It also reduces the overwhelming nature of a new culture into manageable pieces (eat the elephant a bite at a time).

 

The above is a very good "togetherness" activity, too.

 

[Celie 793]

6 hours ago, Becci391 said:

I moved from Germany to the US so there was not a huge cultural transition but there were a few things that I had to get used to. Especially here in the South.

There  might and will be some things that he has to get used to and accept that might be uncommon in his culture.

That might be the hardest part.

 

Yes, that's definitely true, especially because he comes from a place where everything is so black and white. Learning to adapt to the gray area that is America is gonna take some getting used to.

 

6 hours ago, Going through said:

Visiting is much much different than living in the USA.  Also remember that everything you take for granted right now is going to be completely foreign to him (no pun intended)...simple things like how to pay on public transit, mailing something from the post office, where to get a great cup of coffee, brand names in grocery stores, etc. is completely different for him now.  So just be patient as you can, and try to start out exploring his new surroundings with him (if you can take some time off work when he arrives).

 

When he gets homesick (and he will), consider taking him out to a great Lebanese restaurant to give him a little bit of familiarity and to celebrate his own culture---familiar food can be very comforting.

Thank you for this! I am taking all my vacation days when he arrives then some in September to visit my Dad in California and I'm trying to make plans for the weekends so he never feels like he's stuck without anything to do.

 

6 hours ago, Ash.1101 said:

Shoot I felt like this and my husband didn’t have much cultural difference. But he had a great job that he had a great chance at growth and success, not to mention close family. 

 

it took a loooong time (year+) for me to stop feeling like he threw his life away. (It was hard for me to believe that he made the right choice and left a successful life with a future successful career and ultimately a path people would be envious of, to choose to move and get a semi-crappy but well paying, marry someone 6 years older, 60 pounds heavier, and with a special needs child to boot)

I can so relate with this. Even know he messages me how hard it will be to say bye to the 10 people accompanying him to the airport and it breaks my heart. He also just graduated with an accounting degree that will take a lot of extra work to put to use here so it's like he worked those 4 years of school for nothing. The self guilt trips are real.

 

4 hours ago, Loren Y said:

Best thing is to not let him sit around, definitely do things. My wife has just passed the 5 month mark of moving here, and she has been adjusting well. The first walmart trip is the best. Any grocery trip is amazingly fun. My wife couldn't believe how everything was done for you here. She picked up some sliced mushrooms one time and said why are they sliced? I said because we are lazy here in the US and it makes things easier. She was like I'm not lazy, so I will buy the cheaper whole mushrooms and slice them myself. There are so many things she sees still now and is blown away. Still, the best part is at least once a week she says something about this or that that is so funny I laugh about it for hours( Seriously), you will see. But I got her in English school, and another tech school to keep her busy, and she has so many friends now that have also moved here from Thailand that she is really enjoying things now. It was a little tough at first, but I took her to some of the Thai temples around town ( We got married in one, and that made her so happy to have a traditional Thai wedding, and it was really cheap as a bonus). Talking to Thai's that have been here 10,20,30 years has helped more than anything. Finding out where to buy the stuff she needs to cook original Thai food from home really helped her out. It is a ton of little things that will go a long way. I took me weeks to convince her to use the dishwasher, she just couldn't fathom a machine to wash dishes in your house, the same with the washer and drier for clothes. I taught her to use the bus system, and that bus pass really gives her some freedom to not be tied down at home, she goes to school on her own in the mornings, and just loves the city bus ( Another thing I won't understand). She still has days when she misses home, and I would too I'm sure, but you just be as supportive as you can, and it seems the things you can do to make her feel at home are the best. Just this week I put up a flagpole in the front yard with the US flag and her Thai flag on the pole. She was so happy when she came home from school and saw her Thai flag flapping in the wind in front of the house, it just made her so happy. I put a little prayer/ worship shelf on the wall like she had at home, and she has her Buddha statue, and other things just like home. She get flowers from the rose bushes and puts them on the shelf, and all sorts of things. It is a serious change, and there will be thousand of things you will be questioned about, and have to try and explain, but I think that is what makes it fun for both of us.

Haha love the mushroom story. Its gonna be so interesting to see what calls out to him here. I live in a predominantly Hispanic city and hes gonna have culture shock twice over.

 

4 hours ago, Zoeeeeeee said:

I stayed in LA for six months in 2019, which is how me and my fiancé met. Appreciate that staying somewhere for six months and moving somewhere permanently are very different things - however, after around five months, I did start to really miss home, which surprised me...

 

The main thing that got to me was that those cultural norms were missing...like, there are certain references in England that you can make and everyone immediately understands what you’re talking about - references to certain TV shows (we have some programmes that have been on TV for 30 years - there is no one that hasn’t watched them at least once) or certain celebrities or icons or just things...but I would reference one of these things without thinking and would be met by a blank stare from everyone...or a friend would reference something in the same way, but an American version...everyone in the room gets it and I’m just confused...

 

It’s not a super big deal...but sometimes, you just wish someone would understand what it means when you describe someone as looking like a Mitchell brother...

 

However! What really helps with that is finding someone or even several someone’s who come from your country, who you can hang out with occasionally and who get you - fortunately I made a couple of English friends out there - I don’t need to see them all the time, but it’s great to know if I need to hear a English accent, just occasionally, I know where I can go to find one.

 

My fiancé also took me to celebrate British New Year - it was done at 4pm, as California is 8 hours behind the UK - and it was hosted in a British themed pub, with pictures of Only Fools and Horses and On The Buses on the walls (again, anyone not from the UK will have no idea what I’m rambling on about here) - basically, it was the kind of pub I definitely wouldn’t actually visit whilst in England...but in LA, filled with British people celebrating New Years, it was like a little chunk of home 🙃.

Such good tips! I've found some international stores and restaurants to go to and I hope he enjoys them. We do have a lot of cultural diversity here, it's just a bit hard to find the Lebanese in the lot I think. Lol

[Celie 793]

5 minutes ago, TBoneTX said:

In addition to the humorous yet still-solid recommendations of above, I also recommend the following.

 

Take him somewhere (on a walk, to a store, on a drive).  After a while, ask him what stands out/what's different.

Let him explain why the item/scene/action/event grabbed his attention.

Discuss it.  This enables better understanding for both of you.

It also reduces the overwhelming nature of a new culture into manageable pieces (eat the elephant a bite at a time).

 

The above is a very good "togetherness" activity, too.

 

Very good point! Thank you for that. Sometimes in trying to process our own feelings we forget how important communication is.

 

10 minutes ago, TBoneTX said:

Easier to officially change your name to Delilah.

They actually do make those T-shirts.  Look online.

 

3.  Cover pink mohawk/purple mohawk/Seagal ponytail with MAGA cap

Hahahhaha I thankfully deterred him from the ponytail idea. I'm still working on the beard lol

 

Yes!!!! I was looking at them online...they're great! I also found one that said "I'm not a terrorist" in Arabic hahahah that might be more up his alley lol

Edited April 27, 2019 by celie&joseph

[SanjaAlex 248]

11 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

1.  MAGA cap

2.  T-shirt that says "Relax, Gringo -- I'm Legal!"

Haha I'm getting that shirt as soon as I land, I'll fit right in! 😂😂😂

[Dashinka 23,291]

I know when my then fiancé came over, I knew it would be a big difference for her.  First and foremost, I made sure she had a way to communicate back with her family as she is very close to them as well, so a phone was the first stop.  I also made sure I had three weeks vacation so I had time to help her adjust.  I also made sure I also dealt with the little things like referring to the house as our house, or our car so she would feel at home instead of just a visitor.  When I went back to work, we talked and we decided to get a dog so she did not feel so alone when I was in the office.  I also made sure she got to meet all the family here before the wedding.  Additionally, as others have said, I encouraged her to meet friends from Russia, and she now has some very close friends that are nearby.

 

To me, it is the little things that count the most.

 

Good Luck!

[Zoeeeeeee 796]

10 hours ago, Zoeeeeeee said:

I stayed in LA for six months in 2019, which is how me and my fiancé met. Appreciate that staying somewhere for six months and moving somewhere permanently are very different things - however, after around five months, I did start to really miss home, which surprised me...

 

The main thing that got to me was that those cultural norms were missing...like, there are certain references in England that you can make and everyone immediately understands what you’re talking about - references to certain TV shows (we have some programmes that have been on TV for 30 years - there is no one that hasn’t watched them at least once) or certain celebrities or icons or just things...but I would reference one of these things without thinking and would be met by a blank stare from everyone...or a friend would reference something in the same way, but an American version...everyone in the room gets it and I’m just confused...

 

It’s not a super big deal...but sometimes, you just wish someone would understand what it means when you describe someone as looking like a Mitchell brother...

 

However! What really helps with that is finding someone or even several someone’s who come from your country, who you can hang out with occasionally and who get you - fortunately I made a couple of English friends out there - I don’t need to see them all the time, but it’s great to know if I need to hear a English accent, just occasionally, I know where I can go to find one.

 

My fiancé also took me to celebrate British New Year - it was done at 4pm, as California is 8 hours behind the UK - and it was hosted in a British themed pub, with pictures of Only Fools and Horses and On The Buses on the walls (again, anyone not from the UK will have no idea what I’m rambling on about here) - basically, it was the kind of pub I definitely wouldn’t actually visit whilst in England...but in LA, filled with British people celebrating New Years, it was like a little chunk of home 🙃.

Ok, I put the wrong year there! 😆

 

That should have said that I stayed in LA for 6 months in 2017...we’re not 5 months into 2019 and I’m not a time traveler! 😆

[Zoeeeeeee 796]

9 hours ago, Cyberfx1024 said:

When my wife came here to the USA imwe loved out to LA and it was easier for her to adjust being there. That is because she is Filipino which we lived in Eagle Rock at the time and there are alot of Filipinos around there. 

Yeah, LA is incredible for it’s little pockets of communities - I love Little Tokyo (for the restaurants and the environment) and Thai Town (for the supermarkets containing all the ingredients that you’ll never find in Ralph’s)...

 

My fiancé is American born, but of Filipino origin - and there’s a certain restaurant in Eagle Rock (can’t for the life of me remember what it’s called!) that he’s taken me too, because they make pancit and lumpia just like his mum makes it 😍😆. It sure is a small world!

[Zoeeeeeee 796]

6 hours ago, celie&joseph said:

Very good point! Thank you for that. Sometimes in trying to process our own feelings we forget how important communication is.

 

Hahahhaha I thankfully deterred him from the ponytail idea. I'm still working on the beard lol

 

Yes!!!! I was looking at them online...they're great! I also found one that said "I'm not a terrorist" in Arabic hahahah that might be more up his alley lol

Ha! That reminds me a little of my friend Kamran, who is Muslim and of Pakistani heritage, though born and lives in England.

 

After 7/7 (train bombings here), he said that he couldn’t carry a backpack on public transport without everyone watching him suspiciously...he ended up getting a patch made, that he sewed to his bag, saying: “Stop staring. My gym kit’s in here.”