Need advice please- extremely unhappy wife & stepdaughter

[dawning 212]

I don't know how doable this is, but might there be a way to limit their tv time?  Most of what's on tv isn't good even for mentally balanced people, and if you add in culture shock and depression I believe it could definitely make things worse.  The only good thing is it helps with English, but there are better options for that.

 

I don't necessarily agree with the folks saying she must have married you only for a green card, that if not she would be supporting you through your crisis. She may have married you for a green card, but she might on the other hand really love you and still be overwhelmed by the difficulty of adjusting to a new place. 

 

If they sit in bed all day crying something is obviously wrong.  It sounds like you've tried a lot of different ways to try and help them, but so far there's a lot of resistance.   Some of that may be cultural.  Not everyone is as eager to see a therapist or pop pills as U.S. people overall are.  I agree with the posters who say have patience, see if things improve once she has her work approval, and if not let them go back if that is what your wife decides. 

 

Good luck!  It sounds tough.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

4 hours ago, durden2128 said:

No green cards yet. We applied 2 months ago, so we are 2-3 months out most likely from work permit and Advance Parole, which they wanted so they could return to russia temporarily and sell one of their 2 apartments for extra money. My wife wants to work but has serious depression and insists she is too stupid to speak English and work. She refuses to work as House cleaner which she did for awhile but stopped. She has a Masters in Accounting and can easily find a small office job once she has work permit. She just has no patience whatsoever and no self esteem at all. Shes absolutely stunning gorgeous and I was so amazed she was single. Now I understand exactly why she is always single...

 

I think it is understandable that she doesn't want to work as a housecleaner when she has a decent educational background.  Yes, some immigrants do it (or drive cabs or pump gas) because they know they must to pay the bills, but it can be psychologically difficult to accept for others.    Lots of people are also self-concious about their speaking abilities in a foreign language.  

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

1 hour ago, durden2128 said:

Possibly the latter. But the American lifestyle is so general. She kept repeating to be with me and have A lifel. But now im not so sure anymore. She still all this unrealistic reality tv ####### and has it fixated in her brain thats how most Americans live.

 

She needs to watch Honey Boo-Boo apparently.  That is kind of how I picture a lot of Americans living.

[SeabreezeUF 31]

EDIT: Disregard below! Thought you were located in Gainesville but see that you posted being in Alabama. Whoops!

 

While I completely agree with the advice others have offered, I will add that as a Floridian, even I hated living in Gainesville when I was there for university.  If that's where you are currently located, I can't imagine the immigration shock they're feeling. If you aren't at UF or in the college scene, there's seemingly little to offer to those are aren't already inclined to small towns. The weather, scenery, etc...it just isn't what anyone pictures for FL if we're being honest. That being said, there's a lot going on in that community due to UF- there's a Russian Culture Club that has conversational meetings that maybe she'll like. It's also a community full of international students so there's no reason to be self conscious of an accent or English ability, but like most of what you've said- it's the mindset of your wife and a difficult situation. 

 

It's a tough town to adjust to even for a Floridian so extensive patience would be needed for anyone else. If you're past that point, and it sounds like it, for everyone's health...time to move on. Also, no reason to be paying for private schools in that town- the public schools are quite good.

 

If you aren't in Gville, disregard  Best of luck to all of you- it's a tough situation.

Edited March 19, 2018 by SeabreezeUF

[agrabs 237]

3 hours ago, Boiler said:

They want the American Dream, not what you can provide.

This

 

[wtrav 34]

Apologies if I sound harsh but looks like they are both taking advatnage of you. If your wife wanted to be with you she would have tried to help/ease things for you. Appears they want to live the American dream, have someone to support them while spending money over clothes and having fun. As others said before, seems that you are not in the picture.

 

You deserve to find someone who will love you for who you are and makes you happy. If they cannot adapt and feel miserable they should go back home where both will be happier. Send her back to Russia as she wants and her daughter too. Since the mom doesn't want to make an effort to take care of the daughter, why would you? If she cared she would've tried to find a solution, not just create problems.

[Idd1989 27]

2 hours ago, .yana said:

She married you for the green card and money that she thought you had. Divorce her and move on. You two will not be happy, and you are risking losing your sanity over this situation. 

My thoughts exactly!

[implife 318]

Divorce her ASAP; send them back home. You made a mistake; don't make it worse.

[Orangesapples 1,954]

It doesn't look like she loves you. It's true that we have only your side of the story and it's true that moving to a new country is stressful but it looks like she married you for money and a better life and only cares about what you can give her. The shows she's watching are retarded but unlike what one previous poster suggested you have no standing to try and limit her TV time as she's an adult. It doesn't look like marriage is "for better or for worse" for her, more like "I'm in it in order to take maximum advantage of you". 

[Mrsjackson 300]

She does not think she’s “too stupid” to work, but rather that she’s too good to work. If you mispresented your financial situation then it’s kind of on you, but not really because for better or for worse is supposed to mean just that. If you were straight up but she’s a delusional gold digger then it’s on her. Either way, do whatever you need to to get yourself out of this complete cluster f***. This is going nowhere pleasant for you. 

 

I say this as a mother (both a biological one and a step one), the girl’s crying about how she hates her home country is not your problem. I repeat, not your problem. She’s a child and doesn’t get to make the decisions until she’s an adult and running her own life. Tough toenails as my old man used to say to me when I’d try that kind of stuff on. 

Edited March 19, 2018 by Mrsjackson

[Nayakato 1]

6 hours ago, durden2128 said:

I guess. She just wants anything where she doesnt have to speak alot. She is extremely self conscious of her English even though we only speak in English together and I dont speak Russian. She still believes she isnt smart enough to work at most jobs, even though shes an accountant that requires very little speaking ability. She is just insistent that she doesnt want to be a house cleaner anymore which she did for awhile with my sister who makes damn good money with her house cleaning company. She wants an office job, or working at the mall in  a clothing store since she is obsessed with fashion and clothes.

Well I guess get her a factory job, where she ain't gonna speak much.

[ShanghaiSurfer 135]

6 hours ago, durden2128 said:

Possibly the latter. But the American lifestyle is so general. She kept repeating to be with me and have A lifel. But now im not so sure anymore. She still all this unrealistic reality tv ####### and has it fixated in her brain thats how most Americans live.

Highly recommend you start watching “The First 48” on A&E about real homicides - reality tv. Your wife will see another side of American life. 

 

https://www.aetv.com/shows/the-first-48

Edited March 20, 2018 by ShanghaiSurfer

[jyaku 138]

Sounds like you married a family of freeloaders.

[Rachel&Mommy 56]

You are a great man, they dont don't deserve you. Let them go back to Russia

[lecilia 15]

i feel like the word gold digger seems to fit the picture here