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Immigrants with poor families back home, how much do you help out your family?

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I have been lurking around here for a while and I am hoping the community can relate. I have been in the US since 2013, started as an F1 student from Africa on a full scholarship. I am now married , working part time and still going to school. I have a conditional Green card and I am currently removing conditions. Now the question , how much do you all help out parents, siblings, or relatives back home?

 

I can say 90 % of all my earnings have been going home the last 3 years or so. I bought my mum a car and pay to maintain it; I was paying for both my sister and brother's college; I pay for rent every month where my siblings live which is different from where my mom live; I have been renovating my mom's house as of late so she can move in. I am not rich, I have no savings now because all the money has gone home. I haven't bought myself new things like clothes in so long. I feel I need to do this because here I have a high standard of living, and just me being able to drive everyday and enjoy things like wi-fi is good enough .I think I want to make sure their standard of living is at least close to mine.

 

I also know this is taking a toll on the finances in my marriage. Although my husband is understanding, I don't wanna push it too far. I need to save for retirement and just stuff around the house. How do you all do it? Personally I feel I still don't do enough, and I am just trying to see what people in similar situations do. Maybe I can get different perspectives/ideas.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Morocco
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The best way to save for a retirement is to have it taken directly from pay with a 401 K  /  taxes are not withheld from the money you contribute (till you take it out after age 55 1/2)  usually your work contributes a share to what you save and if you don't see it in check ,  it helps

 

Help for family  - a lot -  adil and i bought an apartment which is ours but his mom and a brother live there .  He went 2 years ago and put $3000 in some improvements.  we help with food and utility bills also.  He sends money to other family if he can.   He is working 6 10 hour days and wanted to buy a Mustang and i made him do it one day /  a person has to do something for themselves sometimes.  And to a friend that needed eye surgery as they were going blind (and did anyway) We help as the country is poor and these are people we know

 

this was something we talked about before he came  /  our understanding was family is family and when we do a charity,  we do it for the people we love the most and we know where our money is going and what it is spent on  unlike so many charities that give big paychecks to the CEO and board of directors

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Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: Nigeria
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2 hours ago, chikondichamayi said:

I have been lurking around here for a while and I am hoping the community can relate. I have been in the US since 2013, started as an F1 student from Africa on a full scholarship. I am now married , working part time and still going to school. I have a conditional Green card and I am currently removing conditions. Now the question , how much do you all help out parents, siblings, or relatives back home?

 

I can say 90 % of all my earnings have been going home the last 3 years or so. I bought my mum a car and pay to maintain it; I was paying for both my sister and brother's college; I pay for rent every month where my siblings live which is different from where my mom live; I have been renovating my mom's house as of late so she can move in. I am not rich, I have no savings now because all the money has gone home. I haven't bought myself new things like clothes in so long. I feel I need to do this because here I have a high standard of living, and just me being able to drive everyday and enjoy things like wi-fi is good enough .I think I want to make sure their standard of living is at least close to mine.

 

I also know this is taking a toll on the finances in my marriage. Although my husband is understanding, I don't wanna push it too far. I need to save for retirement and just stuff around the house. How do you all do it? Personally I feel I still don't do enough, and I am just trying to see what people in similar situations do. Maybe I can get different perspectives/ideas.

I will say you actually do alot for your family, I think you should also tall to your siblings to be more involved in taking some responsibility, I was a student and working at the same time in my country and taking care of my younger brother,so being in school is not enough reason for someone not be responsible. talk to your family especially sibling about taking some stuff off your shoulder. Put your mother on a budget and let her try to manage it. Same as your siblings,you can pay school fees but they should shoulder the other bills.where I come from they say" Problem nor dey finish, enjoy yourself once once"

Take care of yourself and save for your future also because you,your husband and kids matter .

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Kenya
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And just to add context:

 

My dad retired long ago to the village,  which is one hour's drive to the nearest town. This is where this new house was built. This is also where he is a honorary chair of the local high school. 

 

Now with this big and massive house being the icon of the village, comes other indirect expenses - villagers now come by for handouts. Guess who bears that cost? Us. So we in the US, are dealing with both direct (relatives/ friends) and indirect (villagers) solicitation of $$$. Well, we told them (parents) to carry their own cross. They wanted the status, they got it. It came with a burden. Surprisingly, they seem to be beaming in it. They keep on showing everyone this new house etc. They haven't realized how they're being taken advantage of. 

 

And then there's the guilt tripping so that we supplement them with $$$ "We are building this house for you guys" or "why does it pain you to give $$$ to your own parents who birthed and raised you." 🤨😐. We have no problem helping out once in a while. We have a problem with the cult or status you've created where everyone thinks we are super rich.

 

My mom (here in the US for a year now)  is over here telling us she's broke but her Send Wave (mobile money remit app) is in business - constanlty sending money back home to relatives, a curse of this "status" that they have cultivated. I've been here 7 years. She's been here a year and has transacted more that I have. They (parents) seem to revel in this status they've created. Our constant talk to both have fallen on deaf ears. 

 

Immigration journey is not: fast, for the faint at heart, easy, cheap, for the impatient nor right away. If more than 50% of this applies to you, best get off the bus.

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ecuador
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People may need to have the metaphorical "Dutch uncle" talk with parents and relatives in the old country.  Yes, we gringos are rich in comparison to other places, but our expenses are far higher and future obligations are more weighty.

 

The first time I showed Mrs. T-B. a budget -- just covering not even half a year -- she fell silent and then observed, "I've never seen [monetary] figures like this."

 

Perhaps showing various relatives and in-laws a breakdown budget of monthly and yearly expenses, including amounts necessarily set aside for emergencies (health, car repairs, etc.), will be educational.  If the situation is already out of control, accompanying this budget with a note might be helpful:  "If my expenses are already $___, precisely where do you propose that I find the money to fund you, especially when you supported yourselves just fine before I married your [son/daughter/relative]?"

06-04-2007 = TSC stamps postal return-receipt for I-129f.

06-11-2007 = NOA1 date (unknown to me).

07-20-2007 = Phoned Immigration Officer; got WAC#; where's NOA1?

09-25-2007 = Touch (first-ever).

09-28-2007 = NOA1, 23 days after their 45-day promise to send it (grrrr).

10-20 & 11-14-2007 = Phoned ImmOffs; "still pending."

12-11-2007 = 180 days; file is "between workstations, may be early Jan."; touches 12/11 & 12/12.

12-18-2007 = Call; file is with Division 9 ofcr. (bckgrnd check); e-prompt to shake it; touch.

12-19-2007 = NOA2 by e-mail & web, dated 12-18-07 (187 days; 201 per VJ); in mail 12/24/07.

01-09-2008 = File from USCIS to NVC, 1-4-08; NVC creates file, 1/15/08; to consulate 1/16/08.

01-23-2008 = Consulate gets file; outdated Packet 4 mailed to fiancee 1/27/08; rec'd 3/3/08.

04-29-2008 = Fiancee's 4-min. consular interview, 8:30 a.m.; much evidence brought but not allowed to be presented (consul: "More proof! Second interview! Bring your fiance!").

05-05-2008 = Infuriating $12 call to non-English-speaking consulate appointment-setter.

05-06-2008 = Better $12 call to English-speaker; "joint" interview date 6/30/08 (my selection).

06-30-2008 = Stokes Interrogations w/Ecuadorian (not USC); "wait 2 weeks; we'll mail her."

07-2008 = Daily calls to DOS: "currently processing"; 8/05 = Phoned consulate, got Section Chief; wrote him.

08-07-08 = E-mail from consulate, promising to issue visa "as soon as we get her passport" (on 8/12, per DHL).

08-27-08 = Phoned consulate (they "couldn't find" our file); visa DHL'd 8/28; in hand 9/1; through POE on 10/9 with NO hassles(!).

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ecuador
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8 hours ago, chikondichamayi said:

I also know this is taking a toll on the finances in my marriage. Although my husband is understanding, I don't wanna push it too far.

In response to the OP:  If we eliminate the "big AAA" factors of abuse, addiction, and adultery, financial worries/strain/disagreements are almost certainly the chief contributor to divorce among American couples.  Didn't you marry in order to build a life together, rather than to serve as a cash machine?

06-04-2007 = TSC stamps postal return-receipt for I-129f.

06-11-2007 = NOA1 date (unknown to me).

07-20-2007 = Phoned Immigration Officer; got WAC#; where's NOA1?

09-25-2007 = Touch (first-ever).

09-28-2007 = NOA1, 23 days after their 45-day promise to send it (grrrr).

10-20 & 11-14-2007 = Phoned ImmOffs; "still pending."

12-11-2007 = 180 days; file is "between workstations, may be early Jan."; touches 12/11 & 12/12.

12-18-2007 = Call; file is with Division 9 ofcr. (bckgrnd check); e-prompt to shake it; touch.

12-19-2007 = NOA2 by e-mail & web, dated 12-18-07 (187 days; 201 per VJ); in mail 12/24/07.

01-09-2008 = File from USCIS to NVC, 1-4-08; NVC creates file, 1/15/08; to consulate 1/16/08.

01-23-2008 = Consulate gets file; outdated Packet 4 mailed to fiancee 1/27/08; rec'd 3/3/08.

04-29-2008 = Fiancee's 4-min. consular interview, 8:30 a.m.; much evidence brought but not allowed to be presented (consul: "More proof! Second interview! Bring your fiance!").

05-05-2008 = Infuriating $12 call to non-English-speaking consulate appointment-setter.

05-06-2008 = Better $12 call to English-speaker; "joint" interview date 6/30/08 (my selection).

06-30-2008 = Stokes Interrogations w/Ecuadorian (not USC); "wait 2 weeks; we'll mail her."

07-2008 = Daily calls to DOS: "currently processing"; 8/05 = Phoned consulate, got Section Chief; wrote him.

08-07-08 = E-mail from consulate, promising to issue visa "as soon as we get her passport" (on 8/12, per DHL).

08-27-08 = Phoned consulate (they "couldn't find" our file); visa DHL'd 8/28; in hand 9/1; through POE on 10/9 with NO hassles(!).

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10 hours ago, JeanneAdil said:

The best way to save for a retirement is to have it taken directly from pay with a 401 K  /  taxes are not withheld from the money you contribute (till you take it out after age 55 1/2)  usually your work contributes a share to what you save and if you don't see it in check ,  it helps

 

Help for family  - a lot -  adil and i bought an apartment which is ours but his mom and a brother live there .  He went 2 years ago and put $3000 in some improvements.  we help with food and utility bills also.  He sends money to other family if he can.   He is working 6 10 hour days and wanted to buy a Mustang and i made him do it one day /  a person has to do something for themselves sometimes.  And to a friend that needed eye surgery as they were going blind (and did anyway) We help as the country is poor and these are people we know

 

this was something we talked about before he came  /  our understanding was family is family and when we do a charity,  we do it for the people we love the most and we know where our money is going and what it is spent on  unlike so many charities that give big paychecks to the CEO and board of directors

That is very true and I plan to start putting extra towards retirement once school is done. I am also glad to find someone in a similar situation with the same outlook on the whole situation. When I considered helping my family out the way I was long term, I knew it was unsustainable and that is why I went back to school. I figure if I increase my future earning potential, maybe the same level of help won't be so bad.

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8 hours ago, coforever said:

I will say you actually do alot for your family, I think you should also tall to your siblings to be more involved in taking some responsibility, I was a student and working at the same time in my country and taking care of my younger brother,so being in school is not enough reason for someone not be responsible. talk to your family especially sibling about taking some stuff off your shoulder. Put your mother on a budget and let her try to manage it. Same as your siblings,you can pay school fees but they should shoulder the other bills.where I come from they say" Problem nor dey finish, enjoy yourself once once"

Take care of yourself and save for your future also because you,your husband and kids matter .

This! I have been hoping they could finish school and maybe take over the rent . But for now, my sister just started a job and pays 1/3 of the rent. So I still send about $250  a month for the rest of the rent. Am still glad she helps some. My mother actually feels bad when she asks for anything, so I am hesitant to tell her that. I wouldn't want her feeling bad to even ask money for food since governments home are so bad some months they don't even pay people.

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8 hours ago, Timona said:

 

I guess this is Nigeria? Lemme tell you about Kenya. 

 

You will soon come to regret this. You're breeding a culture of dependence. I helped pay 50% for my aunt's kids (2) school fees early this year. She just texted me today asking me to "remember her during Christmas." My cousin and high school pals want money to go "drink." Another cousin wants money for tools. My sister's friend wants money for school. Whenever I see "hello" text out of the blues from these people, I know the second text will be "can you give me $$." It's like money grows on trees here in US.

 

My dad wanted another house, in another location. We agreed to get him a standard one. No sooner had the construction began than the price ballooned. So when we pressed for the construction document, we found they (mom & dad) had added 2 port car garage and others. You know where this is headed? I'll tell you. I'm sure those car ports were for future cars that we'd be forced to buy. We refused to pay. The house just got finished, minus the car ports. We only paid 50%. My mom paid the rest (she came to US a year ago, has been having the African energy and worked). So she paid the rest and other unnecessary adjustments that they added to the design later again. 

 

Before the house, he wanted a car. We agreed to get him a simpler one. Next, audi was what was being shopped for. We had to put a stop to this. 

 

Most of these are just to give themselves unnecessary status in the neighborhood. My dad is now honorary chair of a high school. His new status now calls for more upkeep 🤦🏽‍♂️.

 

Since my mom came over a year ago, her Whatsapp is evert buzzing. Relatives and my aunties needing $$$. She sends money to them 24/7. The same aunt that is asking me for Christmas $$$ is staying in one of our houses, free of rent, water and all bills with her 2 kids. Shamelessly, she's asking me for $$$ yet I am sure my mom gives her $$$.

 

I went home last year. Never told anyone apart from my sister who was picking me from the airport. Why? As soon as they get wind, everyone has a shopping list - not just one, but numerous stuff. Failure to buy renders you a bad guy.

 

We just remodeled my sister's house here in the US. The remodeler was  50+ years Kenyan. His phone kept on buzzing. His youngest child who's about to hit 30 years wants a laptop, but nothing short of the new MacBook. His dad was over here heaving and crying. He has paid for all their schools but they still want to sulk of him though they are all grown. Give the guy a break.

 

 

@chikondichamayi

At some point, you get tired of this. Help, whenever there is a legit problem. However, I wouldn't be buying cars for them. 

 

I am not even done. But I'll stop here.

 

My two cents 

Haha, I so get the status thing, I have seen in a lot. And every time I get a text or go home, I have to give money to everyone now I am scared of going at all. But one thing for sure,  do not send money to other relatives and friends. I am barely making it helping my immediate family, I can only imagine the chain reaction that would create. I appreciate your perspective, I definitely wanna draw some boundaries and make sure I am not being taken advantage of , while ensuring I help when truly needed. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I will try this.

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Filed: IR-1/CR-1 Visa Country: Jamaica
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It's the same thing In the Caribbean, I would send money every month ,when I couldn't  afford to send it,they would be upset .so I just stop for like 6months.before u can help anyone ,you have to ensure your helping yourself first.even people who never reached out to before will reach out to you when your living in America. I still send money to my mom and my sister from time to time when I can afford it..but I control what I send .in America you have to work very hard ,and it's even more difficult coming from a tropical climate to work in the snow..

Edited by Jer1234
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8 hours ago, Luckycuds said:

Full disclosure I am sharing from the US citizen perspective but my husband and I have talked a lot about it. He also comes from a very poor country and he has a large family- 12 siblings and 3 parents (step) as well as many cousins/friends etc. It's tough. He use to send more money back to his family but has significantly cut back for many reasons. We have to live our life here. It is impossible to think he can support 15 immediate family members as well as himself. Today is actually 6 years my husband has been in the USA and he still relies on me-which is no problem because he is finishing his education which will better both of us in the future. Yes, we have a lot and we will never have to worry about not having a roof over our heads or going hungry- things his family faces on a daily basis- but we have to live our lives. I don't say this to sound cruel or mean- but the USA is completely different. We have bills that HAVE to get paid, insurance, we have taxes that people don't understand- we need to have savings for the future- there are so many things his family wouldn't understand and they think it is just so easy to get a job here. Yes, you can get a job but just because you make $15 an hour doesn't mean you bring that home- social security, medicare; state and federal taxes, etc. We now have a daughter-some of his siblings recently had kids of their own- but my husband has said he's not going to take food out of our daughters mouth to feed theirs. And I'm proud of him for sticking up saying this. I know it's tough for him because it's tough for me- but I know realistically we can't support that many other people without putting us in a hole- which we already have debt.

 

You need to find a happy medium. Do your siblings work now? If so, slowly decrease what you send them. I'm not sure if they are living day to day or if they have excess to buy things they otherwise couldn't- but if it were the latter I would definitely send them less and then none when they can support themselves. You need to live YOUR life. Which is now in the USA. Helping once in a while is fine but you don't want to be taken advantage of. I don't know your situation and maybe your partner has better insight to see if you are being taken advantage of. If so then that really should stop.You can't punish yourself because you have a car and you have wi-fi. (I completely understand as husbands family doesn't own a vehicle or have wifi-heck they barely have electricity). You have to live your life and you have to live your reality. Your reality is that you live in the USA and you have privilege that others do not. You also have bills that HAVE to get paid and you need to think about your future-whether this means starting a 401k, savings account, etc- you need to have something to fall back on when you are older or you will live in poverty in the US.

 

To touch base on it taking a toll on your marriage- I will say for us it did a bit. Husband didn't send money monthly but when he did I did want to know why and who it was for. For example- I am in charge of the bills here so he has no clue what is due when and how much and there were times he overdrew the account- which would result in a fee- so me knowing when he was planning and how much was important- I also was concerned about him being taken advantage of- not so much family but by friends. Like someone asking for an iPad when my husband wouldn't be able to afford one himself type of thing. Or people only reaching out when they want something. I do have to say its a fine line - because I realize in some countries parents expect their kids to care for them and it's their culture. Plus like you said you have so many "luxuries" here when your family may be struggling to eat (unsure if this is your case) but husband and I both agree we have to live "our life" and this (USA) is "our reality". Maybe when he is in a better place financially in the future he will be able to help out more- but for now he needs to focus on our life right now. Please know you DO do enough and don't have any guilt. Hope any of this was useful- sorry it's so long!

 

I wanted to edit this to add we also occasionally send things to his family (giant boxes) and that costs hundreds of dollars. We are always collecting items for his family and when we go visit half of what we bring goes to them and then my husband ends up leaving his entire wardrobe to them as well. He's even had customs ask him where his clothes are when he got back to the USA lol 

OMG 15 family members, that is so impossible- I struggle with only 4. I went back to school for a better future earning potential so I depend on husband for home bills. He pretty much pays everything except my car and the money I send home. In emergencies back home, he helps me out but I try to limit this. I know its depressing for him seeing his savings go down  and I really don't wanna put this on him. I definitely know if I had a child, it would be so different. KIDS are EXPENSIVE! SO I understand changing life circumstances will definitely influence my future decisions to help. I will also try to treat myself a bit more. Thank you!

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