Immigrants with poor families back home, how much do you help out your family?

[JeanneAdil 6,203]

1 hour ago, chikondichamayi said:

Wow, a brother that doesn't ask for money all the time and actually does good in school. This just made me think of how my brother used money I sent for school fees to drink, failed all classes,yet everyone expects me to forgive him just like that and want me to TRY TO ASK HIM WHAT HE WANTS TO DO IN HIS LIFE. Am sorry if i sound bitter, i am still angry about it. One of the reasons that had me question what i can actually put up with although i obviously love my family.

Love of family doesn't mean you have to provide for him to drink 

tell him i love you but i don't send money for alcohol and / or any drugs

 

i have let Adil do as he wants with his pay and notice that now  he sends less to Morocco and offers more for the house here

like paying for the new deck,  buying 2 TV's and a new dishwasher and more

when he 1st came i paid it all and he helped family back home and talked to them every minute of his day off

now,  he talks a few hours and cooks and cleans here and when i say "talk to this family member or anther one,  he says No, they want money and i am not a rich American

[Jer1234 65]

13 hours ago, JeanneAdil said:

Jim Cantore is there (Bethlehem ) for the storm now

time to pack up and find warmer weather

😂not yet. I got a good thing going..just got to adjust and make it work for now✊🏾

Edited December 17, 2020 by Jer1234

[TBoneTX 43,069]

The exception that I made with Mrs. T-B.'s family was when they were "trying but couldn't quite."

 

When Mama-Mrs.-T-B. got her tourist visa and wanted to visit, she could pay some of her air ticket.  Mrs. T-B. could pay some but not all of the remainder, and she asked me.  Answer = yes.

---

Background for these next stories:  In Ecu, things made locally are quite affordable, but tariffs/taxes on other things -- chief among these, clothing and textiles -- are startlingly high.  As further background, no one in Mrs. T-B.'s family ever asked her or me for money, or for items that they didn't intend to pay for.

 

Story #1:  Before each time that I visited Ecu, I asked Mrs. T-B. what clothing sizes my "nephews" wore, and what size my brothers-in-law wore, and what household items my sisters-in-law might want.  I would bring an extra suitcase filled with stuff -- all nice, all bought resale at thrift stores/garage sales/estate sales -- that I'd personally laundered.  This was chiefly clothing, thick towels, bed sheets, and especially bathmats (which for some reason were not prevalent or affordable there).  My sisters-in-law were invariably surprised and thrilled, and they were tickled to learn that I had personally laundered everything (in Ecu, husbands don't do that).

 

Story #2:  When Mama- and Papa-Mrs.-T-B. came to visit, they usually had money to buy things, but I'd often pay.  Despite a 99.44% language barrier, I was able to stop Mama-Mrs.-T-B. from spending $65 for a pair of jeans for Papa-Mrs.-T-B in a department store.  The next day, I took him out with me to several resale stores and got him 6 jeans for something like $27 total (he and I each paid for some).  At the end, in his rusty English, he observed, "Things in America are really cheap!"

 

So for very little cash outlay, I was able to make a lot of family members happy -- with unexpected gifts or savings, at a level of thrift that I myself could abide.  I did learn their chief needs through Mrs. T-B.

 

Whether or not our foreign relatives ask or don't ask for money or things, perhaps a plan like the above will enable them to save more of their own money to have available for their other needs in life.  If foreign relatives are greedy, bluntly point out exactly what you're doing and why you're doing it.  I bet that they won't say much more except perhaps an embarrassed "thank you."  This sure beats merely forking over money, I think.

Edited December 18, 2020 by TBoneTX

[Kano1024 6]

Quote

You are the gate-keeper for your family against stuff like that. Do not let this kind of thing put a wedge and eat away at the relationship between you and your husband! He may be understanding now but that may change.

That would be me.  The husband.  This issue alone is what's leading us towards divorce. 

 

It's not a single issue.  It has branches, that have branches.  Let me offer what this means, to me:

• catching your wife send money home in a sneaky manner
• her lying to you about that; but you catch her cold
• her developing a perspective that she has "her money" and you have "your money".  That's called roommates, or friends with benefits.
• selfishness that her family is entitled to money, but my family is not; it's all about sending money to her family
• she starts hoarding/hiding cash; the eventual goal is to send that in a balikbayan box
• all this sneaking around and lying breeds mistrust
• this stops being a marriage and you start feeling used -- you married me for the sole purpose of being able to send money home
• that transaction is not much different than prostitution

I no longer trust this woman.  It's literally the same as if she had cheated on me with another man.  I'm not going to play this game of watching you, or tracking you, or giving any thought to any deception related to money.  If you feel you have "your money", then go rent an apartment with "your money". 

 

Everything I had was shared with her, unconditionally as soon as I said "I do".  Money. House. Car. 401k.  Investments, crypto.  Whatever.  All of it.  We have a house.  We have a car.  We have a 401k retirement plan.  It doesn't matter how much she makes or even if she works at all.  There is no measuring stick.  She's my wife.  I'm not playing that game of "you only make $40k a year, so you're only entitled to..."  No.  She is a first class member of the household.  She's an adult.  She doesn't need permission to do anything.  Her value isn't measured by her salary or lack of one.  Equals. We're total equals.

 

That, however, does not grant her the right to make me a human Social Security Administration, or a provider of government checks.  I didn't say "I do" to supporting her family.  I am not a welfare office. I'm not an unemployment office.  I'm not a 401k account.

 

There is a world of difference between a one-time "the tricycle engine broke down and needs repairs" and a constant, steady stream of money leaving your house.  Every. Month.  I don't give my parents money every month. I don't give my siblings money every month. 

 

This is the genesis of a divorce in my world.  Others may be fine with it.  I am not. 

 

 

 

[TBoneTX 43,069]

5 minutes ago, Kano1024 said:

I no longer trust this woman.  It's literally the same as if she had cheated on me with another man.

Check to see if you live in a community-property state (if you do, big sigh).

Quietly transfer your assets into separate accounts that only you know of.

If legally permissible in your state, revise your estate documents to exclude her.

Interview lawyers EXHAUSTIVELY until you find one who offers a flat fee.

After the above steps (ONLY after), file for divorce.  No one should have to live this way.

[Kano1024 6]

Quote

After the above steps (ONLY after), file for divorce.  No one should have to live this way.

In progress bro.  This is not a 6 months thing.  This occurred over the course of a few years.

 

I watched.  And watched.  And watched.  I'd express my concerns.  And I'd watch some more.  And kept watching.  Making mental notes along the way.

 

And then I broke.

 

I'm going nuclear.  I'm done.

Edited February 14, 2021 by Kano1024

[Adventine 3,187]

51 minutes ago, Kano1024 said:

That would be me.  The husband.  This issue alone is what's leading us towards divorce. 

 

It's not a single issue.  It has branches, that have branches.  Let me offer what this means, to me:

• catching your wife send money home in a sneaky manner
• her lying to you about that; but you catch her cold
• her developing a perspective that she has "her money" and you have "your money".  That's called roommates, or friends with benefits.
• selfishness that her family is entitled to money, but my family is not; it's all about sending money to her family
• she starts hoarding/hiding cash; the eventual goal is to send that in a balikbayan box
• all this sneaking around and lying breeds mistrust
• this stops being a marriage and you start feeling used -- you married me for the sole purpose of being able to send money home
• that transaction is not much different than prostitution

I no longer trust this woman.  It's literally the same as if she had cheated on me with another man.  I'm not going to play this game of watching you, or tracking you, or giving any thought to any deception related to money.  If you feel you have "your money", then go rent an apartment with "your money". 

 

Everything I had was shared with her, unconditionally as soon as I said "I do".  Money. House. Car. 401k.  Investments, crypto.  Whatever.  All of it.  We have a house.  We have a car.  We have a 401k retirement plan.  It doesn't matter how much she makes or even if she works at all.  There is no measuring stick.  She's my wife.  I'm not playing that game of "you only make $40k a year, so you're only entitled to..."  No.  She is a first class member of the household.  She's an adult.  She doesn't need permission to do anything.  Her value isn't measured by her salary or lack of one.  Equals. We're total equals.

 

That, however, does not grant her the right to make me a human Social Security Administration, or a provider of government checks.  I didn't say "I do" to supporting her family.  I am not a welfare office. I'm not an unemployment office.  I'm not a 401k account.

 

There is a world of difference between a one-time "the tricycle engine broke down and needs repairs" and a constant, steady stream of money leaving your house.  Every. Month.  I don't give my parents money every month. I don't give my siblings money every month. 

 

This is the genesis of a divorce in my world.  Others may be fine with it.  I am not. 

 

 

 

 

Based on some of the terms you've used (balikbayan, tricycle, etc), I'm assuming you're married to a Filipina.

 

I'm sorry you're in this position. I agree that she should never have gone behind your back and that she should have prioritized you over her family. 

 

It's much too late for this now, and I'm sure you know this: in hindsight, all the concerns about family support should have been addressed well before getting married.

 

I personally was not comfortable getting engaged to my USC fiancé until we had openly addressed all our concerns about financially supporting family: we both have family who may need significant help in the future.

 

I knew it could easily become a huge problem, so I made sure we were clear with each other about our obligations, our expectations and our boundaries when it came to financial support. We even have our financial plan in writing. It helps keep us on track and serves as a reference for any future disagreements about money.

 

From your description, it doesn't seem like your marriage is going to last much longer. Whatever you decide, I wish you well and that you protect your assets in the best way possible.

Edited February 14, 2021 by Adventine

[Kano1024 6]

Quote

she should have prioritized you over her family. 

And that is the only thing I want. 

 

Sometimes, people fall on hard times.  I'm sensitive to being available to help someone when they fall on hard times.  I don't mind being there for her family in an emergency.  What I mind is putting me in a position of having to be a retirement plan for them. 

 

We send gifts, with love.  No regrets, at all.  But there is something vile and offensive about regularly sending cash.  It's vulgar.

[Adventine 3,187]

28 minutes ago, Kano1024 said:

And that is the only thing I want. 

 

Sometimes, people fall on hard times.  I'm sensitive to being available to help someone when they fall on hard times.  I don't mind being there for her family in an emergency.  What I mind is putting me in a position of having to be a retirement plan for them. 

 

We send gifts, with love.  No regrets, at all.  But there is something vile and offensive about regularly sending cash.  It's vulgar.

 

Regularly sending money doesn't have to be vile, offensive, or vulgar. But it's come to this because your wife, for whatever reason, wasn't honest with you before getting married. 

 

Money given to the right family member (meaning responsible, productive, hardworking people who just happen to be born in a poor country) is fine. What's not fine is sending money against the wishes of the spouse. It shows a fundamental clash in values and priorities.

 

Again, sorry you are in this position and that your relationship with your wife has become so adversarial.  

[RamonGomez 259]

We send a few hundred $ a couple times a year to my in laws, usually as holiday or other special ocassion gifts. They don't need it as they own their home as well as rent out their previous house. But my wife often feels super guilty (her sister also left China) and this small gift makes her feel a tiny bit better. That alone makes it worth it for me. Sometimes we do joint gifts (last year we got her father a $500 phone for his 70th birthday, we paid half, wife's sister + husband paid the other half).

 

They treat us really well when we visit so I really don't mind. We're fortunate that we can set aside a lot for retirement, have good insurance, and paid off our house in the US. I'm definitely not starting a war over maybe $1000/year, given how hard my wife works and how well her parents have treated us over the years.

Edited February 15, 2021 by RamonGomez

[Ed&Midori1031 330]

On 12/15/2020 at 1:59 PM, chikondichamayi said:

I have been lurking around here for a while and I am hoping the community can relate. I have been in the US since 2013, started as an F1 student from Africa on a full scholarship. I am now married , working part time and still going to school. I have a conditional Green card and I am currently removing conditions. Now the question , how much do you all help out parents, siblings, or relatives back home?

 

I can say 90 % of all my earnings have been going home the last 3 years or so. I bought my mum a car and pay to maintain it; I was paying for both my sister and brother's college; I pay for rent every month where my siblings live which is different from where my mom live; I have been renovating my mom's house as of late so she can move in. I am not rich, I have no savings now because all the money has gone home. I haven't bought myself new things like clothes in so long. I feel I need to do this because here I have a high standard of living, and just me being able to drive everyday and enjoy things like wi-fi is good enough .I think I want to make sure their standard of living is at least close to mine.

 

I also know this is taking a toll on the finances in my marriage. Although my husband is understanding, I don't wanna push it too far. I need to save for retirement and just stuff around the house. How do you all do it? Personally I feel I still don't do enough, and I am just trying to see what people in similar situations do. Maybe I can get different perspectives/ideas.

My situation isn't as extreme, but I do help my wife's family financially, and have been doing  so for years.  It's not like hundred and hundreds of dollars from my paychecks, but I do help. 

 

I personally don't enjoy a single income family, and I strive to have my wife work and both save, not just to have money on the side, but definitely for retirement.  

[luckytxn 2,263]

My wife does send money back through a money service once a year for Tet which is usually 4-5 hundred dollars for the red envelope occasion and when the red envelope is being handed out ours is usually passed out at that time to certain youngsters. This is a custom around for generations so I have no problem at all being a part of it. It does get tedious though that we are usually on a video chat for part of it watching and allowing some interaction for the kids to show us and thank us. My wifes family is well off and there is no need for us to help out any family there. She does have some poor family in the countryside but the family there helps them out. We do sponsor a couple of Nieces  for student visas and care for to an extent where we help them out and stuff but their family sends them or us money when needed such as buying them a vehicle or school expenses. We do have them also do things for us and pay them some to help them have spending money and I quietly give them some money now and again ( a hundred or so every few months) sneakily and say don't tell their Aunt but ask them to help their Aunt and stuff. This is done because I appreciate them doing so well and doing so much and my wife is I think too tough on them.

My wife does send what we call a care package that is sending them vitamins and cereals and creams and things of that sort. Vietnamese products are mostly from China and is known as being poisoned or very inferior to what we can get here.  They do send us packages also for things for my wife such as special Ao Dai dresses she wears for church or weddings or things for her salon business. This maybe costs us a few couple hundred a month but we do it as we can easily afford to do so and it makes her happy to do things like this. I would not have married her if she was a poor impoverished waif that I knew we would have had to help out financially. 

[Unlockable 7,306]

Great thread. It shows both sides of giving. It can be beneficial and sometimes it can also be detrimental.

 

There is a saying, "Givers should always set limits, because takers don't set any."