Struggling to adjust to the new life

[SunflowerSweet 1,321]

Funny (not actually funny) but I had a very very similar experience with my in laws in the UK, though it was more focused on sexism and racism, the one-two punch! It was so similar, right down to the grandmother calling the next day and me thinking it was an apology only for it to be more criticism.

 

We had always planned on moving to the US, so thankfully I don’t really need to deal with those individuals anymore, but it did solidify my opinion that we made the right choice of where to live. In that moment I did feel very scared and isolated in an unfamiliar and unfriendly environment just while visiting, so I can’t even imagine how much worse it feels when you are setting your home up here.

 

I do agree with what people are saying that it sounds like more of a family issue than a country issue, though I do not want that to make it sound like I am making light of the US’s serious racism issues. (Both my husband and I would disagree with the claim that the UK is much better though). Surrounding yourself with like-minded friends and associates as you make yourself at home here is going to be key! Of course that’s a lot easier said than done, but definitely not impossible! 

 

Honestly, you are much more patient with your husband than I would be. I expect him to stand up for me, even if it’s too his own family. I would also never let anyone talk about him like that, especially my own family, gross.

[Dan2023 23]

7 hours ago, ATT said:

Hi, I have been searching online for a place to share my experience in hopes that others can help me feel somewhat normal or give me some advice. I moved to the US in March and I'm just finding it so hard to adjust to my new life. I'd spent at least 6 months of holiday here in the US over a few years before actually moving here, but I didn't realise how much it would hit me, actually moving here. Before I begin, I should let you know that my husband is so supportive, loving and caring, I just needed to express myself somewhere where other people may be able to give me advice or relate.

 

When I moved here things started to change. My in-laws actually started to get on my nerve, almost as if their true selves have come out at me now that I'm living here and am family, which is expected. But a few of them have started saying incredibly racist things in front of me (half of my family are darker skinned, I'm the lightest skinned person in my family so I think at times they forget about my family). I decided that although I don't agree with racism, I can't change their minds so I should just ignore it. I said something once like, "Hey, you do realise that half of my family is darker skinned and they wouldn't hurt a fly, please don't generalise an entire race based on what you've seen on the media today" and it didn't go too well. 

 

The other week my husband asked his mother if the certain people in the family could please refrain from the language they use and stories they tell when my family come to visit. My family are only visiting for 2 weeks and they would be staying at mine and my husband's house anyway - so truly, it'd be refraining from the language for a few hours of their lives. I didn't ask him to say this, but it was obviously a concern of his too. Later, at the dinner table my mother in law and my husband's grandmother started slaughtering ME for my husband's suggestion (this was dinner in a public place). They started going off at me calling me disrespectful, saying that he only asked them that because I forced him to say it (totally untrue). I sat in silence because I was unable to even get a word in over the finger pointing and yelling at me. I got up, went to the bathroom to take some deep breaths and went back to the dinner table and planned to just pretend this never happened. I couldn't, the second I sat down I had fingers pointed at me again. They just needed to criticize me for anything and everything. I was humiliated, I actually started to cry so I left with my husband before the main courses even came out. When I left I even did that with respect (I seriously show everyone in my life respect) I told everyone I loved them but it was just too much for me.

 

I couldn't understand what happened, or what I did wrong. I was upset for a while and I still am. But a few days later I got a phone call from my husband's grandmother, I thought maybe she was going to apologise. Instead, she told me that I should have apologised. I asked her why and she couldn't give me an answer. I finally stood up for myself in that phone call, I'd rather be lonely than treated badly. Before all of this, I really got along with my husband's family as much as I could, with just ignoring the racism from that handful of family members. I'd relate some of the things they say to Hitler, honestly. His mother has started being nicer to me lately, and I converse back politely but it just doesn't feel the same.

 

My husband is lovely company and has been a great support. He's fully aware that I'm very unhappy with his family and he agrees that what they did was awful, but he works 6 days a week, 11 hours a day. I don't have other family here (probably like many of you). To keep my mind off of the negatives I focus on group fitness classes I attend and I am enrolling in a college. I already have a degree but I want to take some classes while I can't work, so that I can meet some people and learn something new. I have met some people I really like but it's going to take some time to build close relationships. I guess for now, all these positives don't feel like positives. I want to travel a bit when I get my AP, maybe that'll make me feel a bit better.

 

What's your advice? Can you relate? I'm feeling quite upset with how things are. It's hard to adjust enough, but with this issue its made it much harder. I thought I had it in me to keep the peace in this situation, but it all came tumbling down even when I kept my mouth shut. I'm not looking for sympathy, more so just to feel normal and possibly to have some suggestions on how I could handle this. I'm still not comfortable with his family and I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive.

 

Thank you if you read this giant post.

Do you honestly need a good advice ?

 

Move out with your husband to a different house and stay away from husbands family.

 

[Dan2023 23]

7 hours ago, CaliforniaLovin said:

First off I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Your in-laws sound horrific. Racism should not be tolerated in any shape or form. It looks as though your husband is fully supporting you though, which is brilliant! 

 

However, it doesn't sound as though it's life in the USA that you're struggling to adjust to. It's the family. I've had issues settling in the USA too, but it's regarding the process, foods and just stuff in general I'm getting my head around. I have a 5 month old I have to shop for too and it's hard here as the doctors and processes are very different to the UK. Anyway, getting back to you... Can you and hubby move slightly further away from the in-laws or maybe restrict the amount of interaction you have with them? In-laws can really meddle in a relationship, trust me.. From experience (had similar in-laws in my previous marriage) the only way to deal with awful in-laws is to keep your distance and when they say something stupid (just say f off in your head) but don't rise to it. They want you to react and the more you do, the more they'll carry on. 

 

I'm regard to settling in, I honestly think if you don't get out enough, you'll get cabin fever. Can you volunteer locally or maybe join a gym or find a meet-up where you can meet other people? Try and keep the in-laws at arms length.

 

Hope that's helpful. Feel free to reach out if you need any advice x

I didn't read this but she just said my words. BEST ADVICE EVER

[Dan2023 23]

6 hours ago, Tanish said:

That is really horrible, what you are facing. (I can't say I can relate, as my wife is also of Indian origin) Because of this, please disregard my suggestion if it is completely out of line.

 

Please try and discuss the option of moving a bit further away from family with your husband. Maybe a farther city or a different state probably? I know, it may not be a possibility, but it never hurts to discuss (if you believe you can discuss this without it worsening your relation with your husband). A little less contact with the family may help you adjust a bit better.

 

I really cannot think of anything else. I hope you get through this. Good luck.

 

I moved out and went far far away from my in laws. and then things got better.

[ATT 13]

Thank you everyone for your great advice . To those who think this should have been clearer than what it was to me, when you are in a situation such as this, having just moved to a new country, just remember it is easy to feel isolated, lonely and a little depressed. It may not have happened to you, but some people can lose sense of what the right thing to do for themselves is. Yes, that isn't right, but I am only human and this happened, I felt stuck, I missed my home in Australia and family as many of you do too. Obviously not everyone will fall into this, but I came here for advice and I got exactly what I needed. I was missing a whole point that I didn't see before. Thanks again guys!

[little immigrant 800]

I hope your talk with your husband goes well and you both come to a satisfying solution. 

 

I remember when I came here I only had my then-husband's family and I felt that I was depended on them (and I was) and it put me in "survival mode". Don't say anything to make them upset and agree to everything they say. I always felt like the family was ganging up on me and I had no one to defend me. 

[Tanish 197]

19 minutes ago, ATT said:

Thank you everyone for your great advice . To those who think this should have been clearer than what it was to me, when you are in a situation such as this, having just moved to a new country, just remember it is easy to feel isolated, lonely and a little depressed. It may not have happened to you, but some people can lose sense of what the right thing to do for themselves is. Yes, that isn't right, but I am only human and this happened, I felt stuck, I missed my home in Australia and family as many of you do too. Obviously not everyone will fall into this, but I came here for advice and I got exactly what I needed. I was missing a whole point that I didn't see before. Thanks again guys!

Everyone reacts to situations differently. Remember that this is not juat an immigration help website, there are also people here who are going through similar situation, or who have already been theough that. You can always share your thoughts and experience and get it off your chest and get some great advise from some great people here.

39 minutes ago, Dan&Carol said:

I moved out and went far far away from my in laws. and then things got better.

As long as you find peace, that's what's important. I am glad it worked out for you.

[Dan2023 23]

26 minutes ago, ATT said:

Thank you everyone for your great advice . To those who think this should have been clearer than what it was to me, when you are in a situation such as this, having just moved to a new country, just remember it is easy to feel isolated, lonely and a little depressed. It may not have happened to you, but some people can lose sense of what the right thing to do for themselves is. Yes, that isn't right, but I am only human and this happened, I felt stuck, I missed my home in Australia and family as many of you do too. Obviously not everyone will fall into this, but I came here for advice and I got exactly what I needed. I was missing a whole point that I didn't see before. Thanks again guys!

when you do get your GC. go and visit your family it helps trust me

[Ahmed&Freda 628]

8 hours ago, ATT said:

Hi, I have been searching online for a place to share my experience in hopes that others can help me feel somewhat normal or give me some advice. I moved to the US in March and I'm just finding it so hard to adjust to my new life. I'd spent at least 6 months of holiday here in the US over a few years before actually moving here, but I didn't realise how much it would hit me, actually moving here. Before I begin, I should let you know that my husband is so supportive, loving and caring, I just needed to express myself somewhere where other people may be able to give me advice or relate.

 

When I moved here things started to change. My in-laws actually started to get on my nerve, almost as if their true selves have come out at me now that I'm living here and am family, which is expected. But a few of them have started saying incredibly racist things in front of me (half of my family are darker skinned, I'm the lightest skinned person in my family so I think at times they forget about my family). I decided that although I don't agree with racism, I can't change their minds so I should just ignore it. I said something once like, "Hey, you do realise that half of my family is darker skinned and they wouldn't hurt a fly, please don't generalise an entire race based on what you've seen on the media today" and it didn't go too well. 

 

The other week my husband asked his mother if the certain people in the family could please refrain from the language they use and stories they tell when my family come to visit. My family are only visiting for 2 weeks and they would be staying at mine and my husband's house anyway - so truly, it'd be refraining from the language for a few hours of their lives. I didn't ask him to say this, but it was obviously a concern of his too. Later, at the dinner table my mother in law and my husband's grandmother started slaughtering ME for my husband's suggestion (this was dinner in a public place). They started going off at me calling me disrespectful, saying that he only asked them that because I forced him to say it (totally untrue). I sat in silence because I was unable to even get a word in over the finger pointing and yelling at me. I got up, went to the bathroom to take some deep breaths and went back to the dinner table and planned to just pretend this never happened. I couldn't, the second I sat down I had fingers pointed at me again. They just needed to criticize me for anything and everything. I was humiliated, I actually started to cry so I left with my husband before the main courses even came out. When I left I even did that with respect (I seriously show everyone in my life respect) I told everyone I loved them but it was just too much for me.

 

I couldn't understand what happened, or what I did wrong. I was upset for a while and I still am. But a few days later I got a phone call from my husband's grandmother, I thought maybe she was going to apologise. Instead, she told me that I should have apologised. I asked her why and she couldn't give me an answer. I finally stood up for myself in that phone call, I'd rather be lonely than treated badly. Before all of this, I really got along with my husband's family as much as I could, with just ignoring the racism from that handful of family members. I'd relate some of the things they say to Hitler, honestly. His mother has started being nicer to me lately, and I converse back politely but it just doesn't feel the same.

 

My husband is lovely company and has been a great support. He's fully aware that I'm very unhappy with his family and he agrees that what they did was awful, but he works 6 days a week, 11 hours a day. I don't have other family here (probably like many of you). To keep my mind off of the negatives I focus on group fitness classes I attend and I am enrolling in a college. I already have a degree but I want to take some classes while I can't work, so that I can meet some people and learn something new. I have met some people I really like but it's going to take some time to build close relationships. I guess for now, all these positives don't feel like positives. I want to travel a bit when I get my AP, maybe that'll make me feel a bit better.

 

What's your advice? Can you relate? I'm feeling quite upset with how things are. It's hard to adjust enough, but with this issue its made it much harder. I thought I had it in me to keep the peace in this situation, but it all came tumbling down even when I kept my mouth shut. I'm not looking for sympathy, more so just to feel normal and possibly to have some suggestions on how I could handle this. I'm still not comfortable with his family and I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive.

 

Thank you if you read this giant post.

I can totally relate having lived this within my own family and having biracial children and multi-cultural home.  I'm so sorry you are going though this abuse..you don't deserve it.   I'm glad your husband is supportive but he needs to cover you, protect you and unfortunately stand up to his mother.   You are his wife and she needs to respect that.   

Edited July 2, 2019 by Ahmed&Freda

[TBoneTX 43,520]

8 hours ago, Trellick said:

decorating and arranging stuff (much to the dismay of the husband)

This is a reminder of an excellent weapon, usable by and useful for All Wives.

Intentionally rearrange the furniture in your house at 2 a.m. multiple nights per week, or every night.

Be sure that your husband trips over it.

When he raises the issue, tell him that this will happen every night unless he supports you in dealings with his family.

Positive response is 99.44% guaranteed.

[thatguyuknow 147]

Fact is when you marry someone you're marrying into the family.

 

I would never confront a group about something I found offensive if I was out numbered, pack mentality and all that. I would shrug it off and limit my time with them from then on.

 

Just pay close attention to your relationship with your partner, families drive couples apart. 

 

If your family want to meet your inlaws explain to your family the situation and limit their time with them. Surly your inlaws ain't going to be outwardly obscene/racist the first time they meet them. 

 

 

[PelagijaP 67]

Well, I am certainly struggling to adjust. 

I understand how hard it must be with your in-laws, but I couple of times wished that my husband had ANY family or even friends here so that I could talk to anybody.

I came to the US on 1st of March, gave birth to a baby girl 3 weeks later, and since then we have been out of the apartment together as a family 6!!! times (if we don't count going to the doctors). I think I am loosing my mind, I don't go anywhere, don't talk to anybody, my ' outing ' is when I run outside to throw the garbage away. Me and my husband argued a lot about it because he thinks it is unsafe for me to go out for a walk with our baby in this neighborhood and I think he is completely exaggerating . I don't know what to do, he is always tired during the week if I ask him to go out somewhere ( nowhere special, just to the local park for a walk), and then spends the weekend watching Top Gear and you tube. I cook, clean, do laundry, breastfeed, do everything around the baby. I feel exhausted, sad, lonely and now on top of all doctor said I have postnatal depression. Don't like this city nor this place where we live and can't stop thinking how I miss my family and how I used to go for walks with my dog, had a nice job, friends. 

 

 

I had to rant, sorry guys!!

 

Edited July 2, 2019 by PelagijaP

[JC&BS 75]

Ah racism! The idiot's guide to a false sense of superiority. 😊

[The_Empyrean 733]

17 hours ago, ATT said:

Hi, I have been searching online for a place to share my experience in hopes that others can help me feel somewhat normal or give me some advice. I moved to the US in March and I'm just finding it so hard to adjust to my new life. I'd spent at least 6 months of holiday here in the US over a few years before actually moving here, but I didn't realise how much it would hit me, actually moving here. Before I begin, I should let you know that my husband is so supportive, loving and caring, I just needed to express myself somewhere where other people may be able to give me advice or relate.

 

When I moved here things started to change. My in-laws actually started to get on my nerve, almost as if their true selves have come out at me now that I'm living here and am family, which is expected. But a few of them have started saying incredibly racist things in front of me (half of my family are darker skinned, I'm the lightest skinned person in my family so I think at times they forget about my family). I decided that although I don't agree with racism, I can't change their minds so I should just ignore it. I said something once like, "Hey, you do realise that half of my family is darker skinned and they wouldn't hurt a fly, please don't generalise an entire race based on what you've seen on the media today" and it didn't go too well. 

 

The other week my husband asked his mother if the certain people in the family could please refrain from the language they use and stories they tell when my family come to visit. My family are only visiting for 2 weeks and they would be staying at mine and my husband's house anyway - so truly, it'd be refraining from the language for a few hours of their lives. I didn't ask him to say this, but it was obviously a concern of his too. Later, at the dinner table my mother in law and my husband's grandmother started slaughtering ME for my husband's suggestion (this was dinner in a public place). They started going off at me calling me disrespectful, saying that he only asked them that because I forced him to say it (totally untrue). I sat in silence because I was unable to even get a word in over the finger pointing and yelling at me. I got up, went to the bathroom to take some deep breaths and went back to the dinner table and planned to just pretend this never happened. I couldn't, the second I sat down I had fingers pointed at me again. They just needed to criticize me for anything and everything. I was humiliated, I actually started to cry so I left with my husband before the main courses even came out. When I left I even did that with respect (I seriously show everyone in my life respect) I told everyone I loved them but it was just too much for me.

 

I couldn't understand what happened, or what I did wrong. I was upset for a while and I still am. But a few days later I got a phone call from my husband's grandmother, I thought maybe she was going to apologise. Instead, she told me that I should have apologised. I asked her why and she couldn't give me an answer. I finally stood up for myself in that phone call, I'd rather be lonely than treated badly. Before all of this, I really got along with my husband's family as much as I could, with just ignoring the racism from that handful of family members. I'd relate some of the things they say to Hitler, honestly. His mother has started being nicer to me lately, and I converse back politely but it just doesn't feel the same.

 

My husband is lovely company and has been a great support. He's fully aware that I'm very unhappy with his family and he agrees that what they did was awful, but he works 6 days a week, 11 hours a day. I don't have other family here (probably like many of you). To keep my mind off of the negatives I focus on group fitness classes I attend and I am enrolling in a college. I already have a degree but I want to take some classes while I can't work, so that I can meet some people and learn something new. I have met some people I really like but it's going to take some time to build close relationships. I guess for now, all these positives don't feel like positives. I want to travel a bit when I get my AP, maybe that'll make me feel a bit better.

 

What's your advice? Can you relate? I'm feeling quite upset with how things are. It's hard to adjust enough, but with this issue its made it much harder. I thought I had it in me to keep the peace in this situation, but it all came tumbling down even when I kept my mouth shut. I'm not looking for sympathy, more so just to feel normal and possibly to have some suggestions on how I could handle this. I'm still not comfortable with his family and I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive.

 

Thank you if you read this giant post.

Sorry you're going through this.. It does suck. Well.. I'm not gonna be popular for what im gonna say but.. hear me out.

Everyone is a little bit racist, no matter your race, gender, ancestry, sexual orientation etc, everyone is a bit racist. But your in laws are over the top with that and they seem proud about that, and the fact that your hubby isn't sticking up for you is honestly a bad sign. I'm the petitioner, but i'm sticking up for my wife sometimes, even though she's not always right. The fact of support regardless of situation right/wrong makes a huge confidence boost. My parents are sometimes harsh on my wife, so i make sure to be on her side rather than my parents, though our issues isn't racial stuff. Just general "you do it differently from us, and we don't like change". I like to remind my parents (old cut eastern europeans) that Soviet Union is no more, iron curtain has fallen, it's free world, and we're grown up, we don't need to be told how and what and when to do. 

Sticking up for each other is massive thing at the beginning. Her parents seem sometimes skeptical of me, but i'm a bit different from her (where she takes everything to heart vs me who doesn't care much of others opinions, and live my way). I don't get intimidated by them and stand up for myself, You didn't marry them, you married your current husband. 
Problem is that you live together with in laws, like we do with my parents. Sometimes it's fine, sometimes everyone is annoying each other. That will happen until you move out. But if i were you, i'd have a talk with your husband and clearly explain to him that you can't tolerate that kind of atmosphere at home, especially when he's not a home. His parents are dum-dums too. Want his kid to be happy by constantly bombarding and targeting you, who the hell does that? They're trying to establish superiority over you in my view. Stand up for yourself (i know you live with them, in their house, but that doesn't allow them to be racist openly, especially mentioning your family, do that about me, and in couple hours i'd be posting here asking for people to post my bail(joking)).

 

Have an open and honest talk with your husband. Explain to him seriously that this can't continue. If parents target you, shoot back. What they gonna do? Throw you out? Of course not, and if they mention something like that, and your husband doesn't respond, i'd pack the bags on my own and go back where i came from and leave contacts to my lawyer, because if your significant other can't stand up for you in front of HIS parents, i wonder what would happen if say you got into financial crisis, or something major happens. Small things like that, might show you a bigger picture of whom you got married to. Money can be made, friends can be replaced, family will understand, injuries heal, but mental and emotional scarring leaves a deep mark for life. Don't take all the abuse. I'd be pretty clear with my significant other about his/her parents, either they stop, he stands up for you, or you start thinking about whats best for you at this point. 

[Jeanne Adil 1,651]

I am not a foreigner but sometimes feel like it

i moved from the north to the south and the racism here is abundant

one man (in the  grocery store ) started talking to me totally unwanted and the last sentence he said was "they're black you know"

for what reason i don't know

and now with the political unstate we are in,  i can't even believe the comments on facebook (some from my own family)

i just find to ignore and do my thing and just obey GOD and all of us are created equal 

 

I got my cornea transplant when i lost right eye from someone of color so for anyone to talk down infuriates me 

 

all i can suggest is "stay away from those who upset you as much as possible"

find your own social group

 

truth is the US is divided into 6 totally different areas and the northeast is nothing like the southwest 

and Louisana is not like any of the rest 

we are suppose to be a melting pot of different nationalities but i refer to it as a boiling pot