Struggling with new life in US while AOS

[Jeanne Adil 1,651]

what you are going thru is more than the normal homesickness 

you have many stress factors

have you a cell phone that has whatsapp so you can talk to family and friends back home daily? / Adil talks daily with family 

or keep in touch on facebook with them

why not some new americn friends on facebook?

write personal message if you would like to add me or any of us 

 

BTW sounds llke the wife and daughter are really going thru the same thing as you

maybe they need a good friend to do things with / worth a try / don't count them our because of your father in law who sounds very unhappy if not bipolar

and the premade food is what my adil could not take like opening cans for a vegtable  / they bought fresh every day

[enxhi96 34]

Have you started applying for jobs yet?  Look at whatever full time jobs would be a good fit for that you have experience in, because you could get lucky and get a job offer to speed up your EAD! That's what my husband did, and we are forever grateful because I couldn't imagine how crappy he would feel to be unemployed for 90+ days, at home doing nothing the whole time, similarly to your situation. 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

Living with parents and siblings is a really hard way to start a life in a new country.  You are newly married, you need space to explore your relationship and set things up well before introducing the stress of family.  I'd suggest when you have the money of maybe moving back towards where his kids are.  Moving 20 hours away from them was a particularly bad decision and I'm sure they are hurt regardless of the reasons.  Children need their parents in their lives and skype isn't a substitute for parenting.

 

As to money - you knew what that was going to be like before coming right?  America can be a struggle and his pre-existing kids deserve his income first.  Know that if you have any children together and then separate that you might be getting a greatly reduced amount of child support, depending on the state, due to the existing children.  

 

Can you make all this work with all the cards stacked against you?  Sure, but it is going to be rough for a while.   I'd suggest that you re-train in something that pays better in America (my husband had to do this), move closer to the kids or somewhere with a community that you enjoy more (we moved from my mother's house to a Scandinavian enclave in northern MN and it suits my husband much better than wealthy WASPs), and seriously consider moving back to Iceland.  If he is already 20 hours away from his children, what would be the difference in Iceland?  It is a short flight from most American cities.  You need financial stability, your own housing, and good medical care - can you get that in Iceland with your spouse?  Can you do that in America?  Therein lies the choice of the moment.

[Orangesapples 1,954]

One way to occupy yourself if you're interested is free online courses. There's edX, MIT, Coursera (it used to be better), Udemy. There are many free courses that teach you different programming languages as well, such as Code Academy. You can learn some new skills that might help you in the job market through these courses or you can just study something you've always been interested in. You can try meetup.com to try and find people with similar interests although not having a car could make things difficult. 

[Brittani 484]

That does sound like a sucky situations BUT remember you have your love. The hardest part is now over so that is one positive. I am the petitioner and my fiance who has worked since he was 15 years old (great work ethic) who is 37 now knows what he's coming into. It roughly takes four months maybe more who knows to get the permission to work. Fortunately, we have a beautiful toddler together and I work full time so he will get to spend those months bonding with her, potty training, and teaching ABC'S and 123's but he also wants to get his GED "General Education Development" which is a high school equivalent while he waits. In England he dropped out at 15 and I guess it's not a big requirement to finish school for a lot of jobs there but here it's kinda a requirement unfortunately. So, once he gets his SSN he's going to do some online classes and work towards that....not that our situation applies to yours but just an example of how he's going to make his time go by. Maybe you could do like others suggested maybe some volunteer work...going on long walks (which is good for your health)...journaling....drawing....painting....maybe even getting a small pet like a cat or small dog? Best of luck to you. Just think in a year you'll be in your own place with the love of your life!

[jle2234 68]

I'm sorry to hear of the difficulties people are facing with their new lives in the U.S. Like others, I have had some struggles meeting new people, getting comfortable in my new town, etc., but they have been fairly manageable. Here are a few strategies/suggestions:

 

1. @Irisandjoel I'm not sure of the exact nature of your husband's disability and/or financial troubles, but have you looked in to assistance for veterans? For example, there is the VASH program that helps disabled veterans (and their families) establish long-term, sustainable housing. This is a good starting place to see if you qualify: https://www.va.gov/homeless/housing.asp

 

2. I used meetup.com as a way to meet people in my new home town. You can toggle by both location and interests to find activities that are both near and interesting to you.

 

3. For anyone of faith -- or who is simply open to a faithful community -- churches and other places of worship are usually very welcoming to newcomers. Many have free social activities, and some have opportunities for informal volunteer work.

[blooms 63]

Hi Iris,

 

I’m sorry that you’re struggling a lot, but I completely understand girl. I was homesick and had a tough time adjusting. Took me about a year to settle in! 

I get how you’re frustrated in your living arrangements, that would kill me! I can stand my in-laws for 3 days max, and I can bear living with my own parents for 2 weeks tops! They’ll drive me absolutely bonkers if I have to be around them more than that!

 

Good thing is you started AOS right? Your EAD should come in in a few months. In the mean time, I’d recommend yoga, go to a public library, volunteer? Or go for walks/hike? Not sure what your area looks like, but I find long walks to be invigorating and calming as well (as long as you’re spending more time outside than in that house). Sending you good vibes. Don’t give up and push through!

 

blooms

[nightingalejules 678]

This is a big change and it's normal to have doubts. We also lived with the inlaws for awhile, and we did CR1! It was stressful, but just hang in there... remind yourself as often as you can that this part is just temporary.

Love doesn't conquer all, but you'll get through this. Hugs!

[-Trinity- 513]

Hi Iris,  funny my husband just mentioned that he would love to visit Iceland. 

 

Although I don't live with my in-laws, I kinda recognize some of the emotions you go through. It's all part of adjusting to a different culture, and I'm like you from a European culture. And people always think it's very close to the American culture, in reality it's not.

 

What I do to cope with the differences is volunteer work and study. And I run at least three times a week. That's has been my life saver.

 

Also, I think if you guys have your own place things will be different.i have the sweetest mother in law, but I wouldn't want to live a day with here because we are so different and that wouldn't work out well.

 

I hope you can find the strength and the patience to make it through this, everything will get better after your AOS.

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

I wish people would not belittle those who took the K1 route versus the CR1 route. There are multiple options for a reason. In some cases, people don't have too much of a choice, whether it be financially speaking or otherwise. If CR1 worked best for you, that's great for YOU. Not helpful to insinuate that someone made a poor choice now that they're past the point of no return.

 

Also - whoever said something about America being mostly in poverty...? I'm sorry wherever you happened to visit sounds as though it was not a fair representation of our country. Perhaps you should visit the Carolinas next time - we're all happy down here.

 

OP - it's always sad to hear when someone is struggling with the change. I'm the petitioner, so I can't immediately relate, but I do have anxiety for the sake of my fiancé. He isn't here yet (we're still awaiting our K1; yep, apparently we made the same poor decision you did, according to some people ), but I pray every day that he will feel at home here and be happy. We're both rational enough to know that we can't expect him actually living here permanently to be the same as his visits here. Those visits were kind of like the honeymoon phase, and also temporary. But we are both trying to prepare ourselves as much as possible. It's a transition for both people. I have always lived alone ever since I first moved out on my own, and living with someone at all will be new for me. Living with a boy, even more so.  I grew up with my mom and sister, so I have to get used to toilet seats being up and facial hair in the sink.

 

Anyway - I think it's normal for people to struggle a bit in the beginning. ESPECIALLY in a situation such as yours, which breeds extra stress than you already have. Not living alone, just the two of you, makes it tougher. Living with someone who is difficult to be around makes it even worse. It's easy for people to come here and tell you to just find a cheap place to live, just find something to do, just this, just that. But things are always easier said than done. And we are not living in your shoes. I have been in a rut similar to what you are describing, I also have high functioning anxiety and have for years - sometimes it is NOT "just" so simple. I get it.

 

As someone has already mentioned - I would try writing in some form or fashion. It seems to be cathartic for you and you do it well. Whether it be traditional journaling, starting a blog, whatever. I have a blog. I've had one for a long time, before I even met my fiancé (it's how we actually met ). I've continued it in recent years, and while we've been going through our process. It's my therapy. Sometimes it feels good to just sit down and bleed emotions through words, on paper or a keyboard. I've found a lot of beneficial networking that way, too. Of course, there's this place! A lot of people around here know where you are going through and sometimes, just venting with like minded people can help. This forum has been such a blessing to both my fiancé and I when it comes to that.

 

One last thing, and I will hush because this became much longer than intended.  At the end of the day, while you're waiting to be able to work, think about things that have made you happy and boosted your mood in the past. Is it exercise? That's something you can do easily, and do for free, and it isn't considered work or volunteering somewhere. That would be my first thing. Something to get you out of the house, even if it's going for a walk around the neighborhood once a day. It'll do more wonders than you think. Going stir crazy is probably part of this, and doing something at the same time every day and having it to look forward to will give you back some of that structure and routine that you are lacking, and are used to.

 

Best of luck to you and your other half. XOXOXO

[Ashley Scott 180]

1 hour ago, Paul & Mallory said:

I wish people would not belittle those who took the K1 route versus the CR1 route. There are multiple options for a reason. In some cases, people don't have too much of a choice, whether it be financially speaking or otherwise. If CR1 worked best for you, that's great for YOU. Not helpful to insinuate that someone made a poor choice now that they're past the point of no return.

 

Also - whoever said something about America being mostly in poverty...? I'm sorry wherever you happened to visit sounds as though it was not a fair representation of our country. Perhaps you should visit the Carolinas next time - we're all happy down here.

 

OP - it's always sad to hear when someone is struggling with the change. I'm the petitioner, so I can't immediately relate, but I do have anxiety for the sake of my fiancé. He isn't here yet (we're still awaiting our K1; yep, apparently we made the same poor decision you did, according to some people ),

I don't think that anyone ever said that the K1 route is a poor decision.  It is just a much tougher route when you are not financially stable.  The biggest benefit of the CR1 is that the beneficiary is able to work upon arrival making the financial situation a much better one for someone who is struggling to support themselves already.  The benefit of the K1 is that you are able to be with your partner faster.. but then you face issues such as the one that the OP is in. 

 

We are lucky that our financial situation was not an issue.  My husband just started working yesterday after arriving on June 23, 2017.  So we went 6 months with him not being able to work.  Financially, we were fine and did not struggle.  The emotional toll it was taking on my husband was the issue.  He was active and busy.  He worked around the house and helped with things that my family needed.  He went out and did the shopping sometimes or took my daughter places to get him out of the house but that did not help with the aspect of feeling like he "didn't fit in".  Not being able to work and integrate into society can be very emotionally draining.  Just in his first day of work I have seen a drastic improvement of his attitude towards being here.  He finally feels like he has a place in this country, so to speak. 

 

So for the OP... All you can really do is try to keep your head up and hang in there.  Once you get your EAD you will hopefully feel like you have a little more freedom and more options.  Take whatever job you can find until you find the one that you want.  The social and financial aspect of working again will hopefully have many positive effects on your mindset and situation.  Good luck to you and your husband.  You will get to where you want to be as long as you stay focused on your goals and work towards them! 

[TBoneTX 43,061]

Nine posts discussing CR-1 vs. K-1 have been removed for being off-topic, noncontributory clutter.  If you feel strongly, contribute to a thread in the "What Visa Do I Need" forum.

---

OP, eat your elephant a bite at a time.  Remove impediments one by one.  Get away from the stresses added by father and the teenager.  Move into a trailer, if that's what you can afford (even barely).  You'll feel your stress level diminishing palpably, and, "be it ever so humble," your new place will be "home" to you.

Edited January 9, 2018 by TBoneTX

[Redheadguy03 505]

I'd suggest getting involved in church or try finding a group of people. We actually got lucky and my wife met a Filipina at Walmart and with that she met tons more. (I actually spotted her, so I got some brownie points lol) 

 

Try getting out of the house, for any reason it helps. Even going to the store, just go because it helps getting out and about. 

 

Good luck!!! 

 

 

[usmsbow 796]

OP- my wife's most unhappy times in the US have been a) when she was unemployed b) when we were briefly living with my mom. Even though the two of them get along very well, my wife just didn't feel comfortable living in "someone else's home". 

 

Point being, life right now is about as low as it can get for you. Obviously the good news is life can only go up from here! Once you get your EAD and start working, you'll likely start to feel better. I also think moving out will do more for your spirits than anything else. 

 

Just my 2 cents. Good luck!

 

 

[usmsbow 796]

22 hours ago, TNJ17 said:

You can’t volunteer without EAD either because that could also be seen as work and get you in trouble further down the line. 

 

 

I seriously doubt that. My wife volunteered at a non-profit, prepping food at a shelter while she was waiting for her EAD. It was pretty clear it was volunteer work. Also helped her have a professional reference when applying for jobs.