Struggling with new life in US while AOS

[hispany 23]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It seems to me that living in Iceland would be a better option for both of you. You and your husband would get paid more, you'd have tip-top health insurance, subsidized housing, education, child support, social security, retirement pension, etc.

 

It looks like in your current situation you are headed directly towards poverty (if you're not already there).

[TBoneTX 43,061]

A post has been removed for advocating illegal behavior.

[TNJ17 1,329]

20 minutes ago, usmsbow said:

 

I seriously doubt that. My wife volunteered at a non-profit, prepping food at a shelter while she was waiting for her EAD. It was pretty clear it was volunteer work. Also helped her have a professional reference when applying for jobs. 

It says on the guidelines no work, not even volunteer. Some people on VJ have posted getting in trouble for it. Your wife was lucky. 

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 3:37 PM, uhondo said:

I am sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing, but have little advice since I also find myself in a somewhat frustrating situation having moved here about 2 months ago. I came here on a F1 visa (not the student one), and have recently received my green card. My mom petitioned for me. Apparently even with the GC finding a job isn't much easier with a foreign education (unless maybe from Europe, Aussie, or Canada). I worked in IT back home for a decade, and have certifications from the major US companies. I was making a decent amount of money back home and I had an okay life. I have made close to a hundred job applications online with little success, and the likely reason the employers will not consider me is because I have a foreign degre. 

The few people from my home country who have been here long enough are advising to go back to school but that is not possible at the moment given the cost. So the only option would be to do some odd jobs while I try to figure a way out.

 

So it appears to be a major step backwards from where I was (career/life wise) back home. Literally the only thing stopping me from going back is that I had gotten rid of nearly all of my few worldly possessions back home, and the fact that I had resigned from my job. 

 

For now all I can do is sit in the house watching bad cable since its impossible to get around without a car and I have no driving license yet. I am studying for the test but finding it really hard to concentrate with so much running through my mind. 

I remember the anxiety I had right before I left, not knowing what to expect. And my anxiety was not misplaced. All I can advise is to do your research well so that you may learn about ways to make your life a little less frustrating initially once you get here since adjusting here does not appear to be easy at all.

 

End rant.

I am so sorry to hear that. That sucks so bad. Going back to school is a good idea, but the cost here in the US is ridiculous! 

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 5:12 PM, MyJourney said:

I am sorry to hear all the difficulties you and your husband are experiencing. However, it seems like there are issues more serious than just boredom. 

It seems like your husband has a difficult health situation and I hope he has a job that is not physically demanding. It is never easy to get a full picture of another person's situation. However, it seems like you guys must get out of that place. I admire your respect for your husbands choices and preferences, however, you must have a say on this as well. Clearly, you are not enjoying where you are right now and moving to a different place where you can live on your own is the best option, even if it is a trailer. I know this will be a big hit for your self-esteem after all other things you have already given up, however, it is not as much damaging and upsetting sticking around where you guys are not welcome. 
I am not asking this in a bad or mean way, but how did your husband get his petition approved? Especially, if he is paying so much for his ex, his kids, and on the top of that he filed for bankruptcy. 
I do not think he is doing enough to make you happy, however regretful he may be feeling. It seems like you are emotionally connected and feel obligated. That is a double edged sword. Even if you get a job, soon, you may find yourself working non-stop to provide for an entire family, a very realistic prospect. 
I have not personally met, but I have heard a lady from where I come from originally who married an american husband. Her husband was also a veteran, divorced, and all that, with health issues and he stopped working or something after marriage. My impression was that she was a lonely, dependent, unprotected woman who was constantly taken advantage of and over-worked to feed an unemployed husband...
You don't have to sacrifice your life in such a manner. If you don't like where you are at in life as a result of this decision, it is OK to part your ways and even go back to your place and carry on from where you left off. 

You definitely have valid points. 

My husband's body is indeed in bad shape after being in the military. And well.. he is training to be a wilderness guide and is out in the woods all day doing physical stuff, he often struggles but he is used to being in pain.. But I often wonder if he is actually gonna be physically able to be a guide once his training is over.. But I hope for the best, he used to work in the medical field doing data management sitting at a desk and he grew to hate that job. He loves the outdoors and being active. And he doesn't want to not work and just receive his military benefits, when going through his divorce the judge called him a leech on society because he was receiving benefits and working too.. well sorry he wants to provide for his kids since his ex wife has NEVER worked in her life. 

 

Yes I agree with that I might have to swallow my pride and settle for maybe living in a trailer for some period, I value me and my husband's mental health more than being too proud at this point. But actually seems like trailers around here have the same rent price as regular apartments. We have asked our friends to let us know if they hear of something for us to rent and his mother too, and she told us she will help us with a deposit and I am very grateful for that. She definitely knows what we are going through after having being married to my husband's dad and she is so furious hearing the stories we tell her. 

 

Well with my husband's military benefits he was well above the poverty guideline set by the USCIS when we filed, they don't seem to deduct child support or alimony, and since I got here and I filed AOS he is now getting that housing stipend for his training program on top of that. And he is gonna have a talk with his ex wife in the next few days about stopping paying alimony since she has been living with her new boyfriend since last summer but my husband is being nice and kept paying her alimony. But he can't anymore, we need that money to get our life started. She is gonna be furious because she is a and just wants money and he is dreading to have that conversation with her but I will make sure he will, I have been frustrated enough over how manipulative she still is with him and he allows her to be that way too. 

 

My husband is the most selfless person I have ever known, he has sacrificed so much, his physical and mental health for his country, he stayed in his first marriage for way too long because of his daughters, he still paid alimony when is ex wasn't eligible for it anymore because he worries about his daughters not having stuff they need etc. I don't worry he is gonna use me or anything like that. He just applied for a part time job at his father's company because they are looking for people and he used to work for them years ago, so he can pick up some shifts there a few times a week. And I see some November AOS filers are getting EADs approved, so hopefully mine is coming soon too! 

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 6:20 PM, Cheschirecat said:

I just saw that you live in Maine! Yeah way too cold!! I am freezing here in the south too. We had a heatwave today and it is in the 30s woot woot!

Haha yeah, I moved to Iceland to this?! Lol. I posted on FB the other day about the temperature and my friend sent me a screenshot of the temperature in the south pole where it was WARMER than here in Maine!

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 6:24 PM, Cheschirecat said:

Hey in the US a military disability is not always a physical disability.. War is Hell

Very true. I come from a country with no military and it has been very interesting learning about a very military involved culture like the USA. It really amazes me that men and women are willing to serve their country knowing they are probably gonna finish their service with physical disabilities, severe PTSD and most likely divorced(high chances of marrying a stripper or a dependa who is just looking for benefits and cheats during deployments) and with few job opportunities and are gonna have serious problems functioning in the civilian world. 

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 6:50 PM, JT4/25 said:

Im sorry you are having a rough time....it stinks not being able to work.  My husband from Italy has a foreign degree...he got a job within one week of getting his EAD.  he has changed jobs 3x in 12 years...and now he is making more money than he ever did in Italy.  I just want to say.....that I am sorry your husband has health issues...but if the money is that bad for you....cant he find a part time job?  When you get your EAD...you may have to work 2 jobs....does it suck...yes...but when we were in financial distress...we both worked 2 jobs to get us out of a bad situation.  Are you tired...exhausted...yes....but you have to do what you have to do to survive.  Dont mean to sound cold...but seems your husband is home for the evenings.  Time to get a paper route or something...no?  My husband when he first got here.....before his EAD...helped a friend of mine deliver meals to the elderly.  get involved...get out of that crazy house.

Yes exactly. I have a job lined up already but probably won't give me as many hours as I would like, I am gonna alter my resume a bit today and go apply for a part time job for evenings and weekends at local restaurants and places like that. And my husband applied for a part time job at his dad's company since they were looking for people to do part time shifts and he is doing his orientation today and will probably start this weekend. 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

6 minutes ago, Irisandjoel said:

well sorry he wants to provide for his kids since his ex wife has NEVER worked in her life. 

 

Well with my husband's military benefits he was well above the poverty guideline set by the USCIS when we filed, they don't seem to deduct child support or alimony, and since I got here and I filed AOS he is now getting that housing stipend for his training program on top of that. And he is gonna have a talk with his ex wife in the next few days about stopping paying alimony since she has been living with her new boyfriend since last summer but my husband is being nice and kept paying her alimony. But he can't anymore, we need that money to get our life started. She is gonna be furious because she is a and just wants money and he is dreading to have that conversation with her but I will make sure he will, I have been frustrated enough over how manipulative she still is with him and he allows her to be that way too. 

 

 

For child support purposes, it doesn't matter if she is working or not.  In fact, in some states, he might have to pay more if she were working.  It is probably not a good idea to be bad mouthing the mother of your husband's children.  Would you want your children around a woman who spoke this way about you?

 

When a woman sacrifices her chances at building a career to support her husband and stay home with her children, alimony allows her to transition to a different phase of life.  The court has already determined the period of alimony based on the length of their marriage and other factors.  That doesn't make someone greedy for money.  Living with a boyfriend means nothing in this country, they aren't married, they might as well be roommates.

 

 

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 7:14 PM, littlewingxx said:

OP, your words really resonate with me because I find myself in a vaguely similar situation and I can fully empathise with the rollercoaster of emotions you're experiencing.

 

My husband and I currently share a house with his mother and younger sister and although I was well aware this would be the living situation before I moved out here, I was unprepared with just how hard it was going to make things. The house we live in isn't really suitable for sharing; it's too small and lacks any sort of space or privacy. My stepson is at our house every day as well, so evenings are really hard for me as the noise reaches an almost unbearable level for me. I spend a lot of my time in our bedroom, and often feel as though I am living in someone else's home. I've struggled since moving here with the lack of control I feel like I have over my life at the moment. I have moments of feeling resentment for everything I gave up; a well paying job, a car, independence, family, friends, home comforts, my own home and space.

 

I finally started working just before Christmas, and received my greencard not long after. It has made a huge difference to my outlook, and it does make it a little easier. I now have something that is mine, separate from my house which was starting to feel like a prison because I had nothing out with it. I feel like I'm regaining my sense of independence and self worth, I'm making friends and have something to apply myself to. Hopefully when you have the ability to work, it'll help you feel less lost.

 

It's freakin' hard starting out new, marriage has its challenges and combining that with being in a new country without friends and family for support, it can be an overwhelming and daunting road ahead. You can do it! Please, please, please feel free to PM me if you want to talk, I totally understand how you feel and what you are going through. I honestly feel like I want to reach out and hug you .

 

Chin up. You got this!

 

Yes. Everything you said is like taking the words out of my own mouth. I really don't like depending on others and using and living in other people's house. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so going from that to this is such a change! 

Getting the EAD will help so much, I saw a November filer with almost the same timeline as mine getting approved for EAD this morning so that made me very happy, most of the wait is over and my turn is coming soon!

Marriage is hard enough, and adding moving to another country and start living with a person you haven't lived with before and not being employed and all that is definitely a big test. For the relationship and yourself as a person. There is a lot of risk involved with the K1 route. 

But it's gonna be ok, we are taking one day at a time, we are going tomorrow and buying a car for me that we found, so soon I will at least have my own car to go places. Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it, it's good not to feel completely alone and that other people relate.

[Irisandjoel 52]

On ‎1‎/‎8‎/‎2018 at 6:16 PM, caliliving said:

Ha yup it's interesting how the view people think of America is hardly the truth! Outside of few areas I  very large cities 90% of America is exactly what you say. Poverty! I hope you can find a good paying job quite quick! I would recommend looking in a restaurant/bar. For someone from a different country the tips are great and u would have instant money. Unless you can find a 25/hour job making 200+ in tips is pretty good imo especially since you seem pretty and have good English. 

I hope you the best but you are in a struggle and hopefully your husband can start making more $$ as well:)

 

 

Yup, my mouth sometimes drops seeing some of the houses that people live in.. Where I come from drug addicts wouldn't even go that low! I follow visa groups on FB and I often wonder about some couples where the foreign fiance seems to be looking for a better life and money, I'd like to see their faces when they come to America and expect everything to look like Hollywood and money growing on trees but end up living somewhere in middle of nowhere of Kentucky or something!(no offence to Kentucky, I have never been there personally just heard stories)

Edited January 10, 2018 by TBoneTX
edited out scatalogical term

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 7:16 PM, caliliving said:

Ha yup it's interesting how the view people think of America is hardly the truth! Outside of few areas I  very large cities 90% of America is exactly what you say. Poverty! I hope you can find a good paying job quite quick! I would recommend looking in a restaurant/bar. For someone from a different country the tips are great and u would have instant money. Unless you can find a 25/hour job making 200+ in tips is pretty good imo especially since you seem pretty and have good English. 

I hope you the best but you are in a struggle and hopefully your husband can start making more $$ as well:)

 

 

And I'm gonna go in the next few days and leave my resume at local restaurants to see if they have a job and my EAD should be approved in the next month or so hopefully, I have experience waitressing and lots of experience in the culinary field from working in restaurants, hotels and bakeries(I'm a professional baker). I don't like working evenings but I have done it when I was in school and I will do it again since we need it. 

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 9:15 PM, enxhi96 said:

Have you started applying for jobs yet?  Look at whatever full time jobs would be a good fit for that you have experience in, because you could get lucky and get a job offer to speed up your EAD! That's what my husband did, and we are forever grateful because I couldn't imagine how crappy he would feel to be unemployed for 90+ days, at home doing nothing the whole time, similarly to your situation. 

Yes I have an employer who is waiting for my EAD. Is that reason enough to expedite my EAD? I tried looking into it and the info I found was that you can only get and expedite if you can prove the future employer is losing significant amount of money not having you working for them already.. and since I'm just a professional baker and not a lawyer or a brain surgeon I think I would have a hard time proving that.

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 9:39 PM, N-o-l-a said:

Living with parents and siblings is a really hard way to start a life in a new country.  You are newly married, you need space to explore your relationship and set things up well before introducing the stress of family.  I'd suggest when you have the money of maybe moving back towards where his kids are.  Moving 20 hours away from them was a particularly bad decision and I'm sure they are hurt regardless of the reasons.  Children need their parents in their lives and skype isn't a substitute for parenting.

 

As to money - you knew what that was going to be like before coming right?  America can be a struggle and his pre-existing kids deserve his income first.  Know that if you have any children together and then separate that you might be getting a greatly reduced amount of child support, depending on the state, due to the existing children.  

 

Can you make all this work with all the cards stacked against you?  Sure, but it is going to be rough for a while.   I'd suggest that you re-train in something that pays better in America (my husband had to do this), move closer to the kids or somewhere with a community that you enjoy more (we moved from my mother's house to a Scandinavian enclave in northern MN and it suits my husband much better than wealthy WASPs), and seriously consider moving back to Iceland.  If he is already 20 hours away from his children, what would be the difference in Iceland?  It is a short flight from most American cities.  You need financial stability, your own housing, and good medical care - can you get that in Iceland with your spouse?  Can you do that in America?  Therein lies the choice of the moment.

Good points. I often wonder if he actually made the right decision moving back to his home state. I know he loves it here and I do too, but being so far away from his children is really tough for him and his daughters too of course, they love their dad. In the future we want to try to get the custody of them and have them live with us. But that is gonna require money and time, it's not gonna happen any time soon. 

 

Yes I knew it was gonna be tough coming here especially since we were gonna stay with his parents and all that. Life in America definitely isn't easy. But I made this choice coming here and I have to deal with it, I have nobody but myself to blame if I am unhappy. But we will stick this out, this is temporary but just sucks while it is. 

 

I don't know about retraining, I can't think of anything I would like to do other than what I already have a degree in.. 

We talked about living in Iceland, and yeah, he is already far away and Iceland might not be much different I guess. But he doesn't speak the language and it's not easy to learn. He is not a language person haha. So getting a job for him would be tough I think. And with all his physical problems I don't think the health system would be very good and getting the care he needs would be expensive.

[Irisandjoel 52]

On 1/8/2018 at 10:16 PM, blooms said:

Hi Iris,

 

I’m sorry that you’re struggling a lot, but I completely understand girl. I was homesick and had a tough time adjusting. Took me about a year to settle in! 

I get how you’re frustrated in your living arrangements, that would kill me! I can stand my in-laws for 3 days max, and I can bear living with my own parents for 2 weeks tops! They’ll drive me absolutely bonkers if I have to be around them more than that!

 

Good thing is you started AOS right? Your EAD should come in in a few months. In the mean time, I’d recommend yoga, go to a public library, volunteer? Or go for walks/hike? Not sure what your area looks like, but I find long walks to be invigorating and calming as well (as long as you’re spending more time outside than in that house). Sending you good vibes. Don’t give up and push through!

 

blooms

Yes, I applied for AOS 2 months ago, hopefully my EAD will be approved within a month, a few November filers have got their approved in the last few days. So it is close thankfully! Walks are nice, it has just been so fricking cold here for the past few weeks haha, around 0F!