Pregnancy during the process is ridiculous

[Allegra+Hadrien 2]

I agree with you. I would love to have children but what's more exciting is starting our new lives together. We've been together for almost 6 years now, but now that we're finally married and moving, I cannot wait to spend time with him and only him. We have so much fun, just the both of us.

We talked about having children and in NO WAY he wanted me to be pregnant away from him. He wants to be by my side for the process. It's his child as well!

I am waiting 3-4 years until we both settle down. Who knows if he will even like living in the States yet.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Please. This dude's post on Visa Journey isn't going to stop anyone from getting knocked up. He's just proselytizing and putting himself on a high horse. My daughter was born during this process. I had her because I wanted a child. It was my choice, and if things didn't work out with her father, I'd raise her on my own. Stay out of other people's uteri.

I wish more people cared about how their actions affect their child/future child than they do about their own needs.

Edited September 12, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[Rebecca616 38]

My husband did it. He got his visa- it didn't help or hurt him.

I am happy for you that you are living the life you want. May you all be blessed.

[KrisDanne 2]

babies are blessings! dont judge other people like you know everything.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

I wonder when an article will appear in the AMA that the cure for infertility has been found at last. File an I130 or I129f for your spouse. Positive prenacy test by the time NOA1 arrives.

[TBoneTX 43,326]

in NO WAY he wanted me to be pregnant away from him

Uh, if personal experience is any guide, he could miss the first three months of the pregnancy without any ill effects befalling him...

[AmyWrites 593]

I agree with OP. I don't believe most people who say "it was an accident" when they were using BC of some sort; used properly, many of the most popular BC methods are nearly fail proof. Take that pill correctly, use the condom like you have to, get a IUD, whatever. Getting pregnant to rush the process isn't fair to the kid, it's nearly as bad as couples who are having serious problems in their marriage and decide a baby will magically fix things. Having children is a wonderful thing, but it's complicated, expensive, and adds a lot of stress to a relationship, and I can't imagine why anyone would want to add more stress to a long distance relationship that's, by the way, going through the very stressful immigration process. IMO the first years of marriage should be used to build YOUR relationship... make it strong enough to ensure children won't strain it negatively. I know there are people who are fine and happy having kids early in a relationship, but I've seen the scenario in which a baby comes, and at first it's fine, then the stress is too much, too many times.

That being said, if I got pregnant right now, I wouldn't abort (not because I am anti-choice, since I am pro-choice). I would keep the child. I use BC pills, but in my case, I have endometriosis, so it's much more difficult for me to get pregnant, and if it happened (although SO and I are doing everything in our power for it NOT to happen because it would be terrible timing) I'd be happy that I at least got the chance to be a mom, since I'm not sure the possibility is even available to me. I hope a pregnancy wouldn't be seen as a negative!

[Bryan and Isabel 29]

I agree with OP. I don't believe most people who say "it was an accident" when they were using BC of some sort; used properly, many of the most popular BC methods are nearly fail proof. Take that pill correctly, use the condom like you have to, get a IUD, whatever. Getting pregnant to rush the process isn't fair to the kid, it's nearly as bad as couples who are having serious problems in their marriage and decide a baby will magically fix things. Having children is a wonderful thing, but it's complicated, expensive, and adds a lot of stress to a relationship, and I can't imagine why anyone would want to add more stress to a long distance relationship that's, by the way, going through the very stressful immigration process. IMO the first years of marriage should be used to build YOUR relationship... make it strong enough to ensure children won't strain it negatively. I know there are people who are fine and happy having kids early in a relationship, but I've seen the scenario in which a baby comes, and at first it's fine, then the stress is too much, too many times.

That being said, if I got pregnant right now, I wouldn't abort (not because I am anti-choice, since I am pro-choice). I would keep the child. I use BC pills, but in my case, I have endometriosis, so it's much more difficult for me to get pregnant, and if it happened (although SO and I are doing everything in our power for it NOT to happen because it would be terrible timing) I'd be happy that I at least got the chance to be a mom, since I'm not sure the possibility is even available to me. I hope a pregnancy wouldn't be seen as a negative!

Pro-Choice!!!!

[xxxwabbiexxx 70]

Thanks for taking an interest in my post, I wasn't trying to offend anyone at all, I was just trying to urge people to think twice thats all. I think each point is completely valid, be that agreeing or disagreeing - Children are the biggest possible blessing from God, but so is time alone with the love of your life, getting to know each other inside out and that really only comes around twice - first off at the very beginning and then second off when the children have moved out which if you have more than one child is 20+ years (I'm not suggesting that parent hood ends then at all, when I have children I'll be there night and day, any where in the world in a heart beat, right till the day I die, I'm just stating that, that is the next time parents get their along time again) - we personally want to treasure each and every second with each other and then when the time is right we want to beyond treasure each second with our children.

AmyWrites - I from the bottom of my heart I hope you become a mother one day!!!

[LlamaInvasion 76]

We weren't in the process already when I got pregnant, but it still affected us.

On the one hand, it irks me that I'm doomed to forever have ignorant people who know nothing about me or my situation, think that I got pregnant on purpose, or by being careless, when my birth control pills randomly failed for the first time in the 11 years I've been on them. No, I wasn't on antibiotics. No, I didn't throw them up or have diarrhea. No, I didn't take them incorrectly. I've had people call my baby an anchor baby (and boy, do I ever LOATHE that term) by people who didn't realize that the concept doesn't work and that me and my husband would marry regardless of the baby (the only difference is, my son made us opt for AOS rather than K-1/CR-1 after I graduated from college, and I in fact stressed to leave the US before the birth, to avoid birth costs). And I can say that I took my BC pills faithfully, not missing one, correctly, and still ended up pregnant until I'm blue in the face, but people will still think whatever they want because they didn't witness me take my pill every day.

On the other hand, I have my husband (whom I spent five wonderful years with as "just us" before I got pregnant), I have my son, and I am blessed beyond words, and I'm terribly amused that said people who know nothing about me or my situation - on the internet or otherwise - would ever judge me for having my wonderful family.

Every situation is different, and knowing the unlikely, but true scenario I found myself in, I make it a point to try my hardest not to judge others.

Edited September 12, 2011 by LlamaInvasion

[SimranS 9]

I wish more people cared about how their actions affect their child/future child than they do about their own needs.

What if the father isn't able to immigrate because the relationship broke up before that could happen, and the child asks where her father is and wants to see him but can't because he can't travel to the US? Frequent visits by the child to the father's country probably wouldn't be financially practical either, if the mother allowed it at all.

On the other hand if the couple waits until they are both safely settled in one country and then has a child, the child will be able to have both parents in his/her life.

[SMR 368]

Am I the only person who believes that getting pregnant during either the fiance visa process or spouse visa process is ridiculous??

So many people write 'we accidently got pregnant' no you didn't, you were having unprotected sex and you got the obvious result of that - I fully understand that accidents can happen occasionally, but I would bet that, that didn't happen for the majority of people - it's the 21st century, so for the majority of people there really is no excuse. If you truly want a child very early on in the relationship then that really is your decision but my advise from the bottom of my heart would be to wait till the process is over - for the sake of the innocent child.

What happened to spending time together - why introduce a poor child in the mix of an already complicated situation?? My husband and I don't want to even consider children for at least 5 years because we absolutely love being with each other, we love being selfish and spending money on expensive shoes or bags, we love eating at adult restaurant, we love just being able to take off somewhere at the drop of a hat and we love waking up gone 12 in the afternoon on weekends - surely this is what new couples need? to spend each and every possible second devoted to each other and enjoying each other, and then when they're ready to share their love, decide to have a child.

How many time have I read stories of people wanting to expedite their case because of pregnancy; so many times people have written that they've been married 6 months and have a one year old child and things have gone wrong, I wonder why - you knew each other for a few weeks fell deeply in love, got pregnant, married then actually lived together and things have gone wrong because you didn't know each other - all I can say is poor child.

This is just my opinion and I'm sure I'll get met with lots of abuse, but like you I'm entitled to my opinion and I think more marriages, in and out side of the visa process would last a hell of a lot longer if people waited till they were ready as a couple to have a child.

Really? Your husband enjoys spending money on expensive shoes and bags? Or is that just you?

Actually, I agree with you. You really are much too shallow to be the kind of parent that a child deserves. I also agree that a pregnancy shouldn't entitle anyone to special immigration privileges. But you've never had a child. Don't presume to understand what having a child means.

I also am not aware of any restaurants that don't allow children (there probably are some but I never went to them anyways). I also wasn't aware that having a kid meant you couldn't go on vacation, spend time with your spouse, or even take off somewhere at the drop of a hat (all things that we do with a kid in tow). I suppose you're right about sleeping in but we have a little different concept of a weekend well spent. In short, I agree that you shouldn't bring a kid into a situation that is unstable because of immigration or finances or a number of other reasons. But 5 years? No, I'm not saying that you should have a kid. You're probably not ready. But your implication that people who get married and settle down and want to have kids on the honeymoon, or after 6 months or a year, are not properly spending time with their spouses is really quite strange.

[DeeDee&Sam 68]

Wow OP- Mind your own business!

+50 for you

whoever said "abortion might be answer" keep that for yourself. i tried to get a baby this summer, and no, not for the immigration purposes, but for US!!!

when you KNOW your relationship will work out, and when you have decent conditions for the baby i dunno whats the problem with getting pregnant?

and thumbs up @KrisDanne.

before judging someone, JUDGE YOURSELF

[Used to be broken 143]

Wow OP- Mind your own business!

How about "full disclosure" ? You did a post where you gave advice not to book tickets, pay for wedding or plan it, etc. etc. until the process is over ...

How is pregnancy different? It complicates things, since there is no garauntee the father/mother will be admitted for residence it is in fact HIGHLY RISKY and potentially will result in a child who has no access to one of the parents for a long period of time or in some cases until adulthood when the child can travel to visit the other parent.

[KittyPollitt 284]

How about "full disclosure" ? You did a post where you gave advice not to book tickets, pay for wedding or plan it, etc. etc. until the process is over ...

How is pregnancy different? It complicates things, since there is no garauntee the father/mother will be admitted for residence it is in fact HIGHLY RISKY and potentially will result in a child who has no access to one of the parents for a long period of time or in some cases until adulthood when the child can travel to visit the other parent.

The advice I gave can apply to everyone across the board, regardless of their personal situations. The same advice is given by USCIS and also consulates. Telling people when they should or should not conceive in a relationship is different because, frankly, it's NOBODY'S BUSINESS- except that of the parties involved. The OP's post is one small step short of trolling, IMHO.