For Brits - Living in the U.S. Can't Compete With the U.K. - Be "Warned"

[TBoneTX 43,067]

To add to my observations:  She has made her choice, and it isn't you.

[Xyrstine 224]

Thank you so much for sharing your heartfelt thoughts and story. I'm sure many of us can relate in one way or another. Some of those feelings described that your wife was/might have been feeling are some that I worry about myself, as a Brit about to make the move very soon. I'm very close to my mum as well but the relationship I have with my family in the UK is not comparable to the life I want to build with my husband and the desire to create our own family. I would love to blend them both and find ways to do this when I am able.

 

I think home is what you make of it, and the commitment made to you in marriage and in the actual emigration/immigration process should have helped cement that. I'm sorry things haven't worked out the way you planned. I'd like to think that you have grown from this and still have had beautiful memories regardless of the way it turned out. 

 

As for home comforts, as a South Asian Brit curry is a staple... Can't say I can miss it too much as my husband absolutely loves the stuff. You can recreate what you miss, especially regarding food and material things.

 

Wishing you luck in your future. Keep positive. 

[cyclone27 710]

Simply put you make the best of wherever you decide to live. Continuously comparing is not adapting and integrating which only brings misery in the end.

[Nicola and Jordan 668]

Another Brit here. I moved here to Manhattan, NYC in February 2019. In England I lived in the countryside in a peaceful village and all my friends and family were not too far away. I have really struggled to adjust here in the city, I have tried and failed at making friends, the only friends I have made are from VJ and are English too. They are amazing and I am so grateful to have them (I was just visiting one of them this weekend). 

I work for a plastic surgeon on the Upper East Side so I meet all types of people rich, famous, young, old, British etc. but I just can't seem to click with anyone. 

We live in an apartment with my MIL which has been great but is getting a little too cozy so we are looking at buying property in the new year hopefully in the suburbs as I think I would feel more at home there.

I too have that mindset of well in England this would happen and this is how we do it etc. which I know is the wrong way to think about it. I love my husband so much and he is being supportive so I am going to try and adjust to my new home, I know it will take time and it has helped reading this thread so I appreciate you starting it. I wish you all the luck and happiness for the future. 

[LukeU 413]

19 hours ago, VadnVince said:

This fall will make my 9th anniversary with my British bride.  It will also make the 3rd anniversary since she returned home to look after her mum.  I think that our VisaJourney started off beautifully and romantically!  It's sorta landed with a thud, 11 years later, since we've first met.   I don't think that her traveling to America for to get married was what she dreamt it would be.  The trip to home to care for Mum has also been a convenient way to STAY at home and not make any concrete plans (with me) to return.  All has been placed back on me to prepare for her to return as I prepared for her initial arrival.  The problem was that during the time of being her, she was never really content, or as she put it, "comfortable" as she was at home.  I'm realistic to realize that we're never as comfortable as we are at home.  Especially if "home" is in another country.  But I also know that it on the part of the K=1 visa holder to realize that they are making a conscious move to a new home and must also make a conscientious effort to make it home.

 

I recently read a post from "Howins/NYC" by a bride who was homesick for the U.K. and not adjusting to American living.  If I didn't know better, I'd believe that it was written by MY wife.  Over the past 8.5 years, the prevailing theme has been, "It's not how it's done in the U.K."  No matter what I've done to make her comfortable, it's never as good as, "how it's done in the U.K." Obviously, nothing will ever by done as it is in the U.K. BECAUSE IT'S THE U.S.A!  Something I don't think immigrants consider when living home.  Whether you're from a third world or first world country - HOME IS HOME and you're going to have to make necessary adjustments to BE married in a new home and not just GET married on a "romantic" K-1 visa.  The parallels between the U.K. & the U.S.A. are more than the differences.  And yes, last year I considered trying to make a go of it in the U.K.  BUT, immigration to the U.K. is filled with red-tape and is expensive.  No, I don't really want to live there because our business sector systems are easier here than in the U.K.  Being an entrepreneur is challenging in the U.K. compared to the U.S., as well as as finding a job.

 

Today, I have sincere regrets after spending the past decade trying to make someone happy (& comfortable) my priority.  Only to have it constantly thrown back at me that, "It's better in the U.K." 

 

 

I am the British recipient of a K1 Visa. May 2019, married June 2019 and received my Greencard January 2020. Throughout I would say June > November, I had huge issues of adapting to the move here (USA), from home (UK). This whole process is not easy, the feelings of loneliness, boredom, fear, uncertainty and just worthlessness was a daily thing at times for me - and I'd never, ever dealt with those feelings on such a scale (Young male, ego, y'know).

 

Fast forward now to September 2020. This is home. I am from England, I will always be a Yorkshireman/English but I am at home now (MI, USA). Are there things that are better in the UK, 100% - Chocolate, fish and chips, Prawn cocktail crisps, healthcare fees (lack there of), Carling lager. Are there things that are better in the US, 100% - Travel, possibilities, finances, accesibility (hours or stores/food and so on). 

 

I wasn't as comfortable initially as I was back in England, I had 30 years practice in England, I've not had 30 months practice here. I still now aren't as comfortable on the phone discussing banking items, insurance tiers and the likes - that's life. But you can also have 60 Years somewhere, if you're forever comparing differencies you will always find them and not adapt. That goes for everything in life, cars, food, lifestyles, TV shows. "Oh well it doesn't have a caramel it must be worse".

 

No one place/thing/item has everything and anything anyone and everyone can possibly imagine. The problem comes with the immigrant, we/ have our country of origin's expectations on top of their new country of residence also and those comparrisons become second nature sadly...

 

Adjusting really, in my personal opinion is all about openess and the person's mindset. If you're willing for change and adjustments to happen - you can be extremely comfortable, more so than your country of origin.

 

19 hours ago, VadnVince said:

But I also know that it on the part of the K=1 visa holder to realize that they are making a conscious move to a new home and must also make a conscientious effort to make it home.

 

Today, I have sincere regrets after spending the past decade trying to make someone happy (& comfortable) my priority.  Only to have it constantly thrown back at me that, "It's better in the U.K." 

 

This sums it up, the novelty appears to have been the romantic story line, the conscientious effort is the requirement. You are now home, that decision was made after a lot of thought, worry and hopes.

 

Overall though, I am so sorry to hear your story. My wife (US Citizen, visited limited times, never resided there) also thinks everything is better in the U.K but thankfully she hates immigration processes - so here we stay! 

Edited September 23, 2020 by LukeU

[VadnVince 24]

19 hours ago, purem4g1c said:

Coming from Canada I think USA is better then Canada in almost every way except one. Health care. and then even then the us system is better in some ways then Canada's oh and that we call it kraft dinner not macaroni and cheese is maybe the only thing we do different. There maybe some other differences but they are not enough to bring up or cry about.

The differences between the U.K., U.S. AND Canada are more subtle than blatant.  As you've stated, healthcare is the most pretty dramatic difference.  One thing we DO have in common is that neither of us do "Kraft dinner!"  Mac 'n Cheese is HOMEMADE! 😄 Our's is Southern Style here's is Caribbean! Thanks for your thoughts!

[VadnVince 24]

19 hours ago, Pooley said:

My husband has been here from the UK a little over a year now. He moved here August 27, 2019. On Thursday we have our AOS interview but I really think it just depends on the person if they will like it here or not. My husband came from a very poor background so he loves it here and doesn't even want to go back to the UK to visit, even though I'm dying to go see more of London and even Scotland. The only thing he says is better in the UK is the beer but he has learned he loves the outdoors, hunting, and fishing... something that is practically impossible from where he comes from and my parents living on a ranch, he has pretty much unlimited access to what he loves. I'm really sorry she doesn't like the USA. At the beginning of mine and my husband's journey, I wanted to live over there but after seeing how hard things are over there, I would don't think I would move anywhere but the USA. I still try to throw in as much London themed stuff for my hubby as a can though when I host party's or anything. I make sausage rolls, I get online and order UK foods, I buy London décor, etc. to keep him from being homesick since I've read on here how many people were getting homesick.  

Congrats to you two and the successful adjustment.  For clarification, it's not about "not liking the U.S." as much as constant comparisons to the things she's accustomed to in the U.K. and putting America down for almost everything because it's "not "home."  Part of difference between our situations is that we got married at 50 and she's QUITE settled in her ways!  I've visited the U.K. often and it's very nice to VISIT, BTW.  It's very expensive and you need to be a professional to even immigrate there.  Unless you're on a student visa, you really can't "start a life" there.  The last PM even made students LEAVE within a couple years of graduation.  They recently reversed that nonsense.  Good luck on the AOS.  

[jeanieCZ 228]

Sorry to read your story, I read your contribution in the other mentioned thread. I can't say I cannot relate a little bit. People adjust in different ways and have different preferences. For me, my home country will, in many aspects, always be the best - even if I know it's not an objective judgment. 

 

The most important thing is that one finds a way to feel comfortable. If they don't, then they can either keep lying to themselves and their SO, or do something about it. 

Good luck everyone!

 

[VadnVince 24]

19 hours ago, Boiler said:

It is different, UK has also changed so what are you comparing, UK now UK 20 years ago 40 years ago what?

I'm not comparing anything based on decades since I've only been there since meeting, 11 years ago!  LOL  The similarities are more than the differences, but when you're over 50, the differences can be more dramatic when you leave your home country.

[JFH 12,189]

10 hours ago, Cndn said:

Denied with a lifetime ban?? Can I ask why? So he’s not allowed to go there at all and visit with you? That sounds hard.
 

My mum is from the UK. I wonder if I have citizenship through her (I was born in Canada)? 

He has a criminal record and was sentenced to more than 3 years in prison. The UK is very harsh with criminal records and there are no “waivers of ineligibility” as there are here for foreign spouses with criminal records. And there is no time limit either. My husband committed his crime in 1990, more than 20 years before I even met him. If he lived to be 100 he still won’t be able to travel to the UK, not even to visit, under the current laws. 
 

Whether you have citizenship or not through your mother will depend on when you were born as there was a change in the law regarding citizenship by descent. 

[VadnVince 24]

20 hours ago, VadnVince said:

Today, I have sincere regrets after spending the past decade trying to make someone happy (& comfortable) my priority.  Only to have it constantly thrown back at me that, "It's better in the U.K." 

 

 

I will add a footnote that one of my "attempts" was being an airline employee when we married.  I retired early, three years ago, so we STILL have lifetime flight privileges with a mad discount on every major carrier. So going home to visit, for her, is not a major financial hassle.  

[Boiler 43,459]

I know quite a few people who moved here at an older age, not sure it makes any difference, well not to my notice.

 

And I knew very few from the UK, Germans and Danish seem more prevalent!

[VadnVince 24]

19 hours ago, yoda one for me said:

Anyway, life is what you make it.

 

I have been in the US for almost a year, and while COVID has stopped me being able to fully integrate the way I thought I would, I've done what I can and embraced the cultural differences. I still have little chats with my husband about things that are different (the whole real estate thing is about to come up for us and it seems like an odd way of doing things compared to what i'm used to across the pond!) but never has it been a "Britain is better" just different. But ultimately I'm mostly just glad we can be together and enjoy the nice and comfortable lifestyle that we have here - something that wouldn't be as attainable for us in the UK tbh. 

 

Having said that, I'm used to moving a lot and I never felt roots in any part of the UK. For me, this has been a pretty easy move but for some I can see how it seems like an exciting adventure and then the novelty wears off. With anyone considering such a big international move, I would caution them to think very carefully and understand what you are going to have to give up for it and decide whether you can live with that, and how it will change your family relationships. 

 

As you all say, "You're SPOT ON!"  LOL  Our initial and ongoing dispute has been "accommodations" and ultimately, real estate.  The moral of THAT "comparison story" is: YOU'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE AND... (cue Montel Jordan) - THIS IS HOW WE DO IT!  Unfortunately, wife is stubborn about how things are done in the U.K. and a housing market that she bought into back in the 1990s!   I used "creative financing" to get us into a NEW home in The Villages, FL and she STILL felt that the U.K. has better options.  This is most famous, affordable, retirement, golf club community in the world!  But, she felt that we could do better getting a property in the U.K.  

[VadnVince 24]

17 hours ago, Sarah_k92 said:

Another Brit here...

I get where she might be coming from as a homebody myself. I miss certain things about the UK- the culture, food and of course family. It’s a tricky situation and it can take years for people to settle. I had family move from the UK to Australia and they always say it took over 10 years to feel completely settled. It takes time for each person. If you truly love her, then be patient and just understand it takes others longer than some. But also, she should be compromising with you. 
 

good luck and I hope you can figure it all out. 

Honestly, you LOST me with, "If you truly love her..."  Initially, that may SOUND romantic, but it's a bit insulting, just so you know.  I've already stated that I did everything I could to make her happy and comfortable.   But if it's still not regarding as "Good enough."  There's nothing more that "can be did!"  

[trudi 1,317]

33 minutes ago, VadnVince said:

Congrats to you two and the successful adjustment.  For clarification, it's not about "not liking the U.S." as much as constant comparisons to the things she's accustomed to in the U.K. and putting America down for almost everything because it's "not "home."  Part of difference between our situations is that we got married at 50 and she's QUITE settled in her ways!  

I'm also from the UK and am in my 50's. been here nearly 5 years now and it's not the life I had in the UK but it's home.

We can make English fish and chips, order most things I miss online and I talk to my family everyday.

Life is what you make of it wherever you are, put little or nothing in then you can't expect much back.

I wish you well for the future