Has anyone's fiance' had a last-minute change of heart scare?

[zamardii12 25]

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but it's relevant. 

 

So, we are now in the final stages of schedule medical and the interview and my fiance just was crying and talking about how scared she is. She said she felt unsure about everything and scared that we rushed things, she would feel more confident if we lived together longer beforehand, or whatever... and I am here reading what she's typing and my heart stops because i'm thinking to myself "we've been waiting for 8 months for this moment and NOW you're telling me this?"

 

So anyway, we talked and she said "You always know how to calm me down." Everything seems fine now, but has anyone gone through this? I am afraid this is some deeper thing. Has anyone gone through this and did it come back or have to address it again later? 

[Coco8 1,039]

Yes, it is common. But I'm not sure this is a change of heart. He is just scared because this is a very big move and she probably is thinking about being far from her family, friends, and everything she knows. 

 

I'd calm her down and also, start thinking about what she is going to be doing with her time there so that she is not alone for long hours when you work. Plan to get her her favorite foods, maybe find some free classes she can attend to (e.g. book club or there are usually english as second language talking groups), enroll your friends or girlfriends (or girlfriends of your male friends) to take her out for coffee or to show her around or take her to their activities, etc. 

 

 

[LenaT 95]

5 minutes ago, zamardii12 said:

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but it's relevant. 

 

So, we are now in the final stages of schedule medical and the interview and my fiance just was crying and talking about how scared she is. She said she felt unsure about everything and scared that we rushed things, she would feel more confident if we lived together longer beforehand, or whatever... and I am here reading what she's typing and my heart stops because i'm thinking to myself "we've been waiting for 8 months for this moment and NOW you're telling me this?"

 

So anyway, we talked and she said "You always know how to calm me down." Everything seems fine now, but has anyone gone through this? I am afraid this is some deeper thing. Has anyone gone through this and did it come back or have to address it again later? 

The closer it gets, the more people around will tell her it's dangerous or foolish or anything else. It's a normal part of the process, but if you love each other and you've lived together, it should not affect her a lot. I would recommend finding somebody from her country/town to connect with online and share insecurities. I don't worry at all, even though people are actively trying to persuade me that I'm insane and it's such a big change.

[nullaccount234 882]

Not a change of heart scare, no. But moving abroad and getting married is really, really scary. She will most likely feel these feelings again, because it's how it goes. 

 

The best thing you can do in my opinion is stay calm and talk to her. Show stability by talking to her about what it's going to be like when she gets there, plans you have made for the two of you in the near future, things that'll make her feel welcome. And I agree with @Coco8, try to get her to meet people as soon as possible and encourage her to find her own friends. If she wants to talk to other people who've been through the same thing, tell her to get an account here. That helps too 

[NateAndJessica 200]

7 minutes ago, zamardii12 said:

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but it's relevant. 

 

So, we are now in the final stages of schedule medical and the interview and my fiance just was crying and talking about how scared she is. She said she felt unsure about everything and scared that we rushed things, she would feel more confident if we lived together longer beforehand, or whatever... and I am here reading what she's typing and my heart stops because i'm thinking to myself "we've been waiting for 8 months for this moment and NOW you're telling me this?"

 

So anyway, we talked and she said "You always know how to calm me down." Everything seems fine now, but has anyone gone through this? I am afraid this is some deeper thing. Has anyone gone through this and did it come back or have to address it again later? 

it does have the possibility of foreshadowing future troubles... that said I have the feeling you don't have any cold feet, so does it matter, your going to go forward to find the answer anyway. My only advice is to keep your hopes and expectations in check, consider if your willing to be ok with worse case scenario and then keep moving towards that best case scenario. Just be practical, you are entering a high risk situation even in the best of situations. people leaving home and country comes with challenges. marriage without cohabitation first comes with challenges. You seem strong continue to lend her a hand until she refuses it, then walk away if she decides so, def don't try to force the situation.

[Marieke H 2,301]

I was terrified before I moved to the US, leaving everything and everyone I knew behind. That doesn't mean I don't love my husband or didn't want to be with him. It's just a very emotional and stressful time. My husband didn't really understand the emotional rollercoaster I was going through, but he was supportive and patient; that's all you can do really.

Give it some time; I felt better after a few months in the country, and we've been happily married for almost a year now.

[NateAndJessica 200]

just our case study fyi... We would both do anything to be together, jessica my fiance would go to any lengths and fight any battle. That said she also has some fears leaving everything behind, that parts normal. I would say if your fiance is not quite sure about the "you" part quite yet... you probably jumped the gun a wee bit.

[zamardii12 25]

2 minutes ago, NateAndJessica said:

just our case study fyi... We would both do anything to be together, jessica my fiance would go to any lengths and fight any battle. That said she also has some fears leaving everything behind, that parts normal. I would say if your fiance is not quite sure about the "you" part quite yet... you probably jumped the gun a wee bit.

There is no question how we feel about each other. That is very clear. Her concern is that we haven't lived with each other yet, and that the time apart has been a lot and maybe she has changed, and afraid that we went too fast. I honestly don't feel that way and I think it's just her fears overclouding her judgement, because after I talked to her about it she seemed fine. 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

I definitely do not believe you are the only one who has experienced this, either in yourself or in your partner. Or both. Moving to another country is scary. Getting married is scary. Both are major lifetime commitments. Our partners are doing BOTH, at the same time. That's even scarier!

 

These processes definitely test your relationship. I think anyone on this website can attest to that. The best thing you can do for her is be as supportive as you can, even if that just means listening to her vent, cry, whatever she needs to do. As the USCs in these relationships - and essentially the ones who are not giving up half near what our partners are in the long run - it's our job to do whatever we can to make the transition for them as positive as possible. That being said - we cannot entirely eliminate the fears and the emotions. That is incredibly natural. They will miss their families, their friends, just the environment and culture they know and are used to. There will be plenty of bad days between now and...well, indefinitely. There's no expiration date on nostalgia or the occasional homesickness.

[kanderson101 131]

I feel like it would be only natural to feel that way. My fiance is also getting quite nervous/scared as the process of being approved comes closer. Sometimes I feel disappointed because it seems like he isn't as excited as I am to finally be together, but I always remind myself that I would likely be feeling the same way if the situation was reversed. I try to keep that in mind and, as others suggest, make plans for the future that will be exciting/fun for us to do together. Another thing you could consider is checking out Meetup groups in your area. I recently found a very active group nearby of people who all speak the same language he does, and some of them are even from the same country/town! 

 

This will be difficult for both of you, and I wouldn't expect those feelings to disappear anytime soon (if ever). Leaving your home country, family, and friends is a LOT to ask of someone. All we can do is try to be supportive, patient, and most of all understanding of the feelings that our loved ones are experiencing.

 

Best of luck!

[Crazy Cat 39,179]

I don't think there is a single person who has not had "what if" scary feelings.  It is completely normal.  Immigration is a long, sometimes gut-wrenching process.  The best solution for us was to concentrate on the task at hand....good luck.

[Smelserjl 137]

I didn't live with my fiance before we got married. It's not really allowed in his country anyway, but I did live there for a long time while studying abroad (that's where we met) and met his family many times/had dinner and meals with them. You don't have to live together to know this is the "real thing." But you DO have to spend as much time as possible together--in person, skype, fb messages, whatever.

[NateAndJessica 200]

1 hour ago, zamardii12 said:

There is no question how we feel about each other. That is very clear. Her concern is that we haven't lived with each other yet, and that the time apart has been a lot and maybe she has changed, and afraid that we went too fast. I honestly don't feel that way and I think it's just her fears overclouding her judgement, because after I talked to her about it she seemed fine. 

You definitely learn a lot about your partner during the process. And you definitely learn alot about them still as your life together begins. Nothing to do but to do it. Best of luck, im sure it will all work out, it is a highly emotional time and process.  Jump with your eyes open its all any human on earth can do.

[usmsbow 795]

You could view her behavior as a good thing: she realizes it is a big move and change in her life. Better now than after she's arrived in the US. I think a lot of people are naive and think they'll adjust with no problem in their new home, but then SURPRISE, the adjustment isn't so smooth after all. If one is already prepared to go through some difficulties, it can be easier to overcome them.  

 

 

[zamardii12 25]

Just now, usmsbow said:

You could view her behavior as a good thing: she realizes it is a big move and change in her life. Better now than after she's arrived in the US. I think a lot of people are naive and think they'll adjust with no problem in their new home, but then SURPRISE, the adjustment isn't so smooth after all. If one is already prepared to go through some difficulties, it can be easier to overcome them.  

 

 

Appreciate that perspective. She is a very strong woman and I trust she will make the right decision for herself.