K1 interview will be in 3 days... Now my fiance is not ready to get marry

[candy-bitter45 0]

Dear all,

I'm so sad and confused now, I will have K1 visa interview on Friday but my fiance said he is not ready to get marry because he thinks our relationship is not working and we couldn't communicate when we were together 1 month for his third time visiting me in January. We've been together over 1 year, we decided to file K1 visa in November because he wants me to move to US so we can be together.

In January he came to visit me, we spent 1 month to travel together, we had good time but sometime we fought but we love each other. Now he told me he still love me but we couldn't communicate, he said I didn't say thank you when we had meals, I think we're couple, I'm grateful everything he did for me but to say thank you for every meals is so weird. Then he compared between me and his friends this issue. He uses everything to be a reason just because he scare to get marry (he never did before in 45 years). Then I asked him what does he want, but he still doesn't give me a solution. He loves me and scare to leave me but he said it's not easy to be with me, he feels the visa is a pressure. I can't cancel it because I don't want to, I love him and want to take a chance. I also don't want to have a bad impress with US consulate cause it will effect to my immigration in future if I apply for another visa.

He's being far from me, sometime he shows me he loves me but sometime he ignores me and there is something in his mind keep him far away from me. He wants me to give him 3 months if everything is good he will come back in summer, I want to think positive but if it doesn't work I will get hurt again. I don't know what to do now, should I continue do the visa or forget it? All my family and my friends know I'm getting marry and going to US with him, I don't know how to face with it. I don't have no job, no money because I spent time to travel with him lately. Please give me your advise, I'm so tired and stuck with this messy...

[Georgia16 2,858]

Contact the embassy and cancel the interview in 3 days. They may be able to give you a later interview after his next visit?

I think there are some cultural differences you guys need to deal with, talk talk talk. Saying thank you after a meal is pretty common in western cultures.

But there is much more then that. I think it's good he says it now then after you have already made the move! .. and he is not saying he never will marry just that he needs time and wants to do another visit which seems like a very good idea so you guys can talk and see if this is really what you both want to do. This is why face to face time is so important.

[NewBeginnings1 10]

I agree with the above comment. Reschedule and give it more time. In the meantime, spend time looking at other forums, like major changes to family and the AOS and removal of conditions. It will give you a fel for the actual success rate. Remember it takes 2-3 years to really get to know someone. You wouldn't want to get all the way here only to find out it did work out.

I think he's taking a VERY reasonable approach. You have nothing but time.

[Vu&Nhung 2]

Sorry to hear that!. I never expect my fiance' to say "thank you" on meals. it's really not neccessary. Did he sent all the documents(I-134 ect..)for your interview? if not u might need to reschedule your interview day

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

What if you make it here and he then changes his mind again ?

It would be harder to leave the US and start all over again in your country.
If he is not sure then I would just let it go and move on but that's just me.

If you fight now you will fight when you are here, waiting for the work permit can get challenging, it's boring sitting in the house all day

not being able to drive and all hell can break loose if he changes his mind then again.

Believe him when he says he is not ready.

It ticks me off when people file who aren't ready, this is not a 'dating' visa. All of a sudden they get cold feet. Meh !

[Ontarkie 13,915]

Reschedule

It will give you time to figure out if he's just wanting you on the side, rather then having you as a wife.

No matter how much you want this and love him it takes two to make this work.

Take a real hard look for any other warning signs in your relationship. I have a feeling you have been ignoring some.

[Merrytooth 5,748]

What if you make it here and he then changes his mind again ?

It would be harder to leave the US and start all over again in your country.

If he is not sure then I would just let it go and move on but that's just me.

If you fight now you will fight when you are here, waiting for the work permit can get challenging, it's boring sitting in the house all day

not being able to drive and all hell can break loose if he changes his mind then again.

Believe him when he says he is not ready.

It ticks me off when people file who aren't ready, this is not a 'dating' visa. All of a sudden they get cold feet. Meh !

Then there will be another thread on 'How to stay in US because I have nothing left in my home country to go back to'.

I agree that OP and her USC should have in depth communication before moving forward with the visa process.

[Illiria 980]

If he's not ready then he's not ready. He is being honest with how he feels. This should be congratulated, he would be a worse person to have these misgivings and not tell you until you are out in the US.

As for saying thank you, well that's just good manners. My husband and I have split the cost of meals for all of our 12 year relationship and if he treats me by paying for both of us or I treat him by paying for both of us then we thank the other person as it is a nice thing for them to do. I certainly don't expect it of him and brush it off without saying thank you. If he does it repeatedly in a week as I was feeling down or ill, which he has done before, I would even comment on how he is being nice and thoughtful to show that I have acknowledged and appreciated his kindness. Don't think this is odd.

You say if it ends you will be hurt again, is this due to having a previous American boyfriend where it ended?

[Unlockable 7,306]

Your fiance has a legitimate concern that should not be passed off. Reschedule and work on your relationship.

[JASM 19]

Dear all,

I'm so sad and confused now, I will have K1 visa interview on Friday but my fiance said he is not ready to get marry because he thinks our relationship is not working and we couldn't communicate when we were together 1 month for his third time visiting me in January. We've been together over 1 year, we decided to file K1 visa in November because he wants me to move to US so we can be together.

In January he came to visit me, we spent 1 month to travel together, we had good time but sometime we fought but we love each other. Now he told me he still love me but we couldn't communicate, he said I didn't say thank you when we had meals, I think we're couple, I'm grateful everything he did for me but to say thank you for every meals is so weird. Then he compared between me and his friends this issue. He uses everything to be a reason just because he scare to get marry (he never did before in 45 years). Then I asked him what does he want, but he still doesn't give me a solution. He loves me and scare to leave me but he said it's not easy to be with me, he feels the visa is a pressure. I can't cancel it because I don't want to, I love him and want to take a chance. I also don't want to have a bad impress with US consulate cause it will effect to my immigration in future if I apply for another visa.

He's being far from me, sometime he shows me he loves me but sometime he ignores me and there is something in his mind keep him far away from me. He wants me to give him 3 months if everything is good he will come back in summer, I want to think positive but if it doesn't work I will get hurt again. I don't know what to do now, should I continue do the visa or forget it? All my family and my friends know I'm getting marry and going to US with him, I don't know how to face with it. I don't have no job, no money because I spent time to travel with him lately. Please give me your advise, I'm so tired and stuck with this messy...

Hi Tara28,

I'm sorry that this is happening now, just a few days before the interview, but I do agree with the other posters that if he feels he needs more time than you should give it more time. I understand that the K1 petition expires within 4 months of approval, and if you both aren't able to reschedule prior to the expiration date you may need to reapply. But it's better to take your time (if that's truly what he wants) than either party feeling pressured or rushed, as you mentioned that's how he's feeling. Moving to the U.S. is a big decision for you, you'll be leaving everything behind, so you also want to be sure that your relationship is secure before making such a move. Think about the long term effects of your decision in addition to the short term.

There are arguments in every relationship, and the cultural differences can make it even more challenging. But definitely something you can both overcome with time, patience, and the willingness to learn and understand one another's culture better. Firsthand, I know it's not easy to face family and friends after they already have all of these expectations, but it's your life and you have to make the best decision for you. I'm sure they will respect it. It's not to say that the marriage won't happen, just may require a bit more time.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

Then there will be another thread on 'How to stay in US because I have nothing left in my home country to go back to'.

I agree that OP and her USC should have in depth communication before moving forward with the visa process.

Exactly my thoughts too ! We certainly see all too many of those threads.

The K1 visa is with intent to marry. I can't stress it enough that it's not a "let's wait and see visa."

Communication is definitely needed but somehow I feel there are other issues only the USC knows.

OP, be careful to not step into a hornet's nest.

[Russ&Caro 1,548]

Like your fiancee, I had never been married when I first met my wife, and I was also 45 yrs old. Unlike your situation, we didn't get married until 8 years after meeting. I would advise you to be patient. I would say most men who have never been married at 45 yrs old, are going to be cautious about hurrying into marriage. If you give him some time and space, he is going to appreciate that.

[Cathi 5,610]

Not sure why you are worried about possible future petitions for potential other fiances. If this relationship doesn't work out, the thing to do would get to know someone better before you jump into getting a visa.

[heo luoi 206]

I can understand, its good manners but manners in East vs West can be very different. I certainly can see not saying thank you for every meal/thing. If hes been taking you out in Nam, hes been paying what $10 USD? max for the both of you? Please. Its not like hes taking you out to $100 steak dinners.

Theres going to be some of those little things you'll have to learn and get over about each other.

But Hes being honest about some of his misguidedness.

So thats somewhat commendable. Personally Id just push to pursue coming. See if that changes things. If not. You go home. Being unemployed now and going back unemployed doesn't sound so difficult to me. Finding a job now vs 3 mos from now doesn't sound like a big deal in VN for the types of conventional jobs available. Personally I wouldnt want to cancel / postpone right at the end. Maybe the lack of distance will help. You still have 90 days to get married once here.

PErsonally for me although my wife and I certainly have our escalations....I'm glad our long distance communication/relationship didn't last one day longer...that was a real drag. I dont think our relationship could grow much more than it did by that time so it was just a bit montonous and tedious. If you guys struggle to communicate now, over 1/2 a planet away and are unable to bridge that divide now, I dont think magic will happen in 90days....but maybe you can see some signs it will improve when you guys can communicate in person.

A month there is different he likely couldn't' communicate w/ you well and anyone else at all. Here it may be completely inverted, but perhaps he'll be more comfortable that way and if you are fine with it than maybe less issues for you then vs now.

Its a bit odd you filed, he commited an entire month with you which is no small feat, and then has some misgivings 6 wks later...right at interview day.

I think you guys need to have some real honest dialog and then either move on or forward.

regardless good luck OP

Edited March 14, 2016 by heo luoi

[IcezMan_IcezLady 582]

I can understand, its good manners but manners in East vs West can be very different. I certainly can see not saying thank you for every meal/thing. If hes been taking you out in Nam, hes been paying what $10 USD? max for the both of you? Please. Its not like hes taking you out to $100 steak dinners.

Theres going to be some of those little things you'll have to learn and get over about each other.

But Hes being honest about some of his misguidedness.

So thats somewhat commendable. Personally Id just push to pursue coming. See if that changes things. If not. You go home. Being unemployed now and going back unemployed doesn't sound so difficult to me. Finding a job now vs 3 mos from now doesn't sound like a big deal in VN for the types of conventional jobs available. Personally I wouldnt want to cancel / postpone right at the end. Maybe the lack of distance will help. You still have 90 days to get married once here.

PErsonally for me although my wife and I certainly have our escalations....I'm glad our long distance communication/relationship didn't last one day longer...that was a real drag. I dont think our relationship could grow much more than it did by that time so it was just a bit montonous and tedious. If you guys struggle to communicate now, over 1/2 a planet away and are unable to bridge that divide now, I dont think magic will happen in 90days....but maybe you can see some signs it will improve when you guys can communicate in person.

A month there is different he likely couldn't' communicate w/ you well and anyone else at all. Here it may be completely inverted, but perhaps he'll be more comfortable that way and if you are fine with it than maybe less issues for you then vs now.

Its a bit odd you filed, he commited an entire month with you which is no small feat, and then has some misgivings 6 wks later...right at interview day.

I think you guys need to have some real honest dialog and then either move on or forward.

regardless good luck OP

That is just ungrateful. It doesn't matter how much he spends. People should be appreciated for whatever contribution they make towards a relationship.

I can understand that it is differences in culture. For instance, expecting one to say "Thank you" for every meal is not common in African culture. But OP should understand that her partner is different and from a different background. You need to compromise. Same expectation will be required of her when she moves here because that's how Americans are. And they expect that.

Like everyone else has mentioned, OP should cancel or reschedule the interview and try to reconcile some of the differences they are facing now.

OP would have expected her fiance to adapt to her culture if he was the one moving to stay in her country.

I hope you two can compromise.

Good luck!