Newly married and already issues

[B_J 2,752]

7 minutes ago, ROK2USA said:

Did you discuss housework and budget? 

 

My husband and I have spoke extensively about our future life in the US.

Our life here in Korea is amazing compared to the life we are moving to and he has prepared me for that reality since the day we got married. 

I speak as the immigrant who has never lived in the US. Everytime I talk about buying a house in a certain price range or going to Trader Joes and Whole Foods every day he brings me back to reality by talking about where we will  live and discretionary spending money. 

If no one has realized from my numerous postings... my husband is ACE/💯 and has not sold me on the America dream.

 

ETA: It is up to the US citizen to educate the foreign national about the reality of the city they are moving to... 

 

This is so important.

 

Before my wife came here, I showed her how much I get paid and I showed her what my expenses are.  She, of course, was totally unaware of what expenses are like here.  She just thought of all Americans as rich.  But she quickly found out different.

 

But now she totally runs all of our finances.  Every bit of it.  And she does it much better than I ever could.  

[Chancy 6,233]

16 minutes ago, B_J said:

It's not that she's immature, irresponsible, or lazy.  She is depressed and alone in a strange, new country.

 

I'm not so sure much has changed with the wife, other than she's now in a new country.  OP has known about his wife's concerning behavior for years, but it seems he chose to believe that somehow she would change after marriage or that he would be able to put up with it.

 

OP, same advice as when you asked about your then-fiancee.  I wish you wisdom and lots of luck.

 

 

[Redro 4,601]

Just now, Chancy said:

 

I'm not so sure much has changed with the wife, other than she's now in a new country.  OP has known about his wife's concerning behavior for years, but it seems he chose to believe that somehow she would change after marriage or that he would be able to put up with it.

 

OP, same advice as when you asked about your then-fiancee.  I wish you wisdom and lots of luck.

 

 

Can we make a "If you are unsure about the relationship just cancel the petition or pause it... because it is not going to get better" megathread? 

Because I feel like I've seen quite a few "I'm not sure about this relationship before they get their visa/ how can I cancel the visa process they are in America" threads.... 

[Boiler 43,494]

The only real question is whether he is going to go with the I 864. I can see a world of financial hurt ahead.

[Redro 4,601]

5 minutes ago, Boiler said:

The only real question is whether he is going to go with the I 864. I can see a world of financial hurt ahead.

She already has Phil connections in the US he wasnt aware of...

she couldve always been going for VAWA without the bruise after the near car accident... 

How long did he know her/how much time did they spend together?

Does he know all about her contacts in the US...?

My husband knows every single USC friend/US resident friend I have... 

Edited May 20, 2022 by ROK2USA

[Carpe Vinum 2,310]

13 minutes ago, Chancy said:

 

I'm not so sure much has changed with the wife, other than she's now in a new country.  OP has known about his wife's concerning behavior for years, but it seems he chose to believe that somehow she would change after marriage or that he would be able to put up with it.

 

OP, same advice as when you asked about your then-fiancee.  I wish you wisdom and lots of luck.

 

 

Great advice then. Great advice now. I think you are in for a difficult time. 

Edited May 20, 2022 by Carpe Vinum

[Boiler 43,494]

Just now, ROK2USA said:

She already has Phil connections in the US he wasnt aware of...

she couldve always been going for VAWA without the bruise after the near car accident... 

How long did he know her/how much time did they spend together?

Does he know all about her contacts in the US...?

My husband knows every single USC friend I have... 

I did see the mysterious friend mentioned and that did seem very odd, what are the chances

 

I have also seen mention of Facebook support groups, who knows?

[Dashinka 23,265]

53 minutes ago, ROK2USA said:

Did you discuss housework and budget? 

 

My husband and I have spoke extensively about our future life in the US.

Our life here in Korea is amazing compared to the life we are moving to and he has prepared me for that reality since the day we got married. 

I speak as the eventual immigrant who has never lived in the US. Every time I talk about buying a house in a certain price range or going to Trader Joes and Whole Foods every day he brings me back to reality by talking about where we will  live and discretionary spending money. 

His family has pulled me up on my ideas about budget and what is "normal"... his dad teased me about having domestic help. 

If no one has realized from my numerous postings... my husband is ACE/💯 and has not sold me on the America dream.

 

ETA: It is up to the US citizen to educate the foreign national about the reality of the city they are moving to... 

 

Definitely, I know when my fiancé was getting ready to come over, I made sure she was well aware of what would be different from what she was used too.  One of the biggest differences was the fact that she would need to drive as public transportation is not wide-spread here.  We also discussed the need for communication with the family back home, so I believe on the second day after she arrived, we went out and got a phone for her.  I also connected with a couple of folks in the local Russian community and when she arrived, introduced her as well, some of them are still her closest friends.  We started driving together soon after arrival as well, and eventually she passed her written and driving tests and is a very good driver today, although a bit of a lead foot (probably learned that from her teacher).  The point is there is a need for adjustment for both parties, but especially for the person leaving everything they are familiar with.  Attention and patience is necessary! Btw, both me and the wife love the produce at Whole Foods.

[Adventine 3,187]

1 hour ago, Chancy said:

 

I'm not so sure much has changed with the wife, other than she's now in a new country.  OP has known about his wife's concerning behavior for years, but it seems he chose to believe that somehow she would change after marriage or that he would be able to put up with it.

 

OP, same advice as when you asked about your then-fiancee.  I wish you wisdom and lots of luck.

 

 

 

I remember that thread. And I remember thinking "this is probably not going to end well."

 

Good luck to OP. It's not going to be an easy road.

 

 

 

1 hour ago, ROK2USA said:

Can we make a "If you are unsure about the relationship just cancel the petition or pause it... because it is not going to get better" megathread? 

Because I feel like I've seen quite a few "I'm not sure about this relationship before they get their visa/ how can I cancel the visa process they are in America" threads.... 

 

I agree. Seems we see stories like this on VJ every week.

 

 

 

 

[NoMansLand2020 298]

2 hours ago, Crazy Cat said:

You will.

I will not if she decides to take off. She needs to come back and discuss things. We would benefit from seeing a marriage counselor and figuring things out. But if she's done, she's on her own. 

[Crazy Cat 39,306]

5 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I will not if she decides to take off. She needs to come back and discuss things. We would benefit from seeing a marriage counselor and figuring things out. But if she's done, she's on her own. 

That isn't how it works......as you will see.  I assume she can find a good divorce attorney...... You will, possibly, end up paying spousal support and child support.

Edited May 20, 2022 by Crazy Cat

[NoMansLand2020 298]

1 minute ago, Crazy Cat said:

That isn't how it works......as you will see.  I assume she can find a good divorce attorney......

And who will pay for that? Definitely not me. 

[Crazy Cat 39,306]

2 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

And who will pay for that? Definitely not me. 

Considering the previous issues, along with this problem, you have a real mess on your hands.  I wish you good luck. 

[Redro 4,601]

3 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

And who will pay for that? Definitely not me. 

Your wife is pregnant with your child~ 

You should be expecting to pay some sort or child support. 

[Crazy Cat 39,306]

6 minutes ago, ROK2USA said:

Your wife is pregnant with your child~ 

In addition to the existing children who he sponsored into the US.

" but she has two young children who believe I'm their real dad."

Edited May 20, 2022 by Crazy Cat