Newly married and already issues

[Boiler 43,494]

31 minutes ago, Crazy Cat said:

In addition to the existing children who he sponsored into the US.

" but she has two young children who believe I'm their real dad."

Sorry will not let me upvote 

 

Hopefully he has not adopted the children and it seems only signed the I 134

 

The one in the oven will be the big issue and that is a done deal assuming she stays here and sounds like she has plenty of support to work the system 

 

I 864 would make it a lot worse 

[notantifun 196]

I remember your post @NoMansLand2020 about tampo. Your wife has been showing serious red flags before. I hated how in that thread people merely think tampo is just some cultural difference. That's classic manipulation tactic. Let's not be naive here.

 

Looking at your recent replies you seem to be leaning on the nuclear option. I'd even recommend going to the police station and filing a report about that incident in the car. She put yours and the kids' lives in danger.

 

 

[NoMansLand2020 298]

1 hour ago, ROK2USA said:

Your wife is pregnant with your child~ 

You should be expecting to pay some sort or child support. 

Of course I would pay the support for my child. But again, she has no money to hire an attorney.  

[Boiler 43,494]

7 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

Of course I would pay the support for my child. But again, she has no money to hire an attorney.  

Child Support is mainly for the mother and she does not need money to pay a Lawyer, the Court system will see you pay

[RO_AH 1,615]

14 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

Is this just some silly tampo fit and she will realize the predicament she's put herself and the kids in? 

You also need to understand the predicament you're in.

 

That aside you were aware of the problems before this post. I even sent you a PM after your last post.

 

My wife and I discussed things during our relationship so there would be no false expectations. I knew from the beginning that my wife was a very hard worker and has to have everything clean and organized. We discussed she will be a mother and housewife and I will be the financial provider. This is something that both of us wanted. My house is never dirty and clothes are always clean. Kids are always taken care of. Like I said, I observed how she was in the beginning but we also discussed this. We also discussed finances and that I would handle them. She has always been on the kuripot side and through experience has ALWAYS valued my money whether it was shopping at the market in the Philippines or countless friends and family always asking to "borrow". Again this is what I observed all along and what we agreed upon. I think some of your problem is that you participate in debate with your wife. If she wants something that you can't afford then you say you can't afford it right now. Done. No further discussion.

 

On the Zoo issue, in my opinion you should have never left her there alone. Now if you are at home and she gets tampo, and decides she doesn't want to go somewhere that you had planned, that's a different story.But out someplace far from home...Not a good choice. I would also be very concerned about some Filipna friend that you were unaware of. Some can be very toxic.

 

For some reason you and your wife are not bonding as you should. I get tired from work but I always try to get my wife and kids out of the house several times during the week even if it's just to go to the playground for 30 mins after work. We also try to find things to do on the weekends.I knew it was going to very hard for her to adjust to a new life in a new country and having things to do and keeping her occupied would be the best thing to feel the emptiness of being away from friends and family.

 

Good luck to you. Like I told you in PM, you allowed her behavior from the start of the relationship. You will have a very hard time changing it now.

[NoMansLand2020 298]

4 hours ago, RO_AH said:

You also need to understand the predicament you're in.

 

That aside you were aware of the problems before this post. I even sent you a PM after your last post.

 

My wife and I discussed things during our relationship so there would be no false expectations. I knew from the beginning that my wife was a very hard worker and has to have everything clean and organized. We discussed she will be a mother and housewife and I will be the financial provider. This is something that both of us wanted. My house is never dirty and clothes are always clean. Kids are always taken care of. Like I said, I observed how she was in the beginning but we also discussed this. We also discussed finances and that I would handle them. She has always been on the kuripot side and through experience has ALWAYS valued my money whether it was shopping at the market in the Philippines or countless friends and family always asking to "borrow". Again this is what I observed all along and what we agreed upon. I think some of your problem is that you participate in debate with your wife. If she wants something that you can't afford then you say you can't afford it right now. Done. No further discussion.

This exactly. I don't know what else to say. I understand she wants a car for example, so she can be more independent and not have to rely on me to take us places. She's never driven a car, nor had a license. I'm trying to explain that I would rather not take out a loan for a car at this point because we have other things to focus on. One being a baby that will be arriving in December.  I typically pay cash for everything and unfortunately the immigration process, supporting her for two years while waiting for our case to process took a huge chunk of my savings. I don't know how else to explain this to her. 

4 hours ago, RO_AH said:

 

On the Zoo issue, in my opinion you should have never left her there alone. Now if you are at home and she gets tampo, and decides she doesn't want to go somewhere that you had planned, that's a different story.But out someplace far from home...Not a good choice. I would also be very concerned about some Filipna friend that you were unaware of. Some can be very toxic.

 

She has met some Filipinas online that belong to the same Church that she communicates with. I don't know them all personally, but the girl she is currently with is one of them. 

[Lemonslice 4,559]

8 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

This exactly. I don't know what else to say. I understand she wants a car for example, so she can be more independent and not have to rely on me to take us places. She's never driven a car, nor had a license. I'm trying to explain that I would rather not take out a loan for a car at this point because we have other things to focus on. One being a baby that will be arriving in December.  I typically pay cash for everything and unfortunately the immigration process, supporting her for two years while waiting for our case to process took a huge chunk of my savings. I don't know how else to explain this to her. 

She has met some Filipinas online that belong to the same Church that she communicates with. I don't know them all personally, but the girl she is currently with is one of them. 

Do you live in a city with good public transit? Can she UBER while you are at work?  Otherwise, it is true that it is really restrictive to have to stay home unless you drive her - that certainly does not help. 

[NoMansLand2020 298]

30 minutes ago, Lemonslice said:

Do you live in a city with good public transit? Can she UBER while you are at work?  Otherwise, it is true that it is really restrictive to have to stay home unless you drive her - that certainly does not help. 

I live in the city, but we don't have good transportation system here. It's a good mile walk to the nearest bus stop. Uber could work, but it's not heavily used here, so it would be expensive to go anywhere. 

[Family 3,494]

From a distance , your wife’s current actions are indeed setting a precedent for what your future married life may look like. Abruptly taking off, taking the children and disrupting their routine/ school and seeking shelter with people IS one of two things ONLY: 

She either feels or has told them she is in fear of her “ life /well being “ / things at home unbearable for her

 

She wants to teach you a lesson and is lucky to have found support at Church ( I assume she would have taken off to her mothers house, if she was in home country)

 

While I appreciate the struggles of a new country/ lack of all the dreamed of resources/ the very real depression….I think perhaps your wife has excellent social skills ( made new friends, took kids to a stranger house ) and may be manipulating ….and going off the airwaves is not a good sign .

 

Put her on the spot and go do a Divorce Packet ( you can DIY the forms ) , show them to her and say you are filing,  tell her based on her actions ( leaving the marital home, taking the children away disrupting their life proves to you that she will do that in the future with your newborn)…BECAUSE THAT is what she seems to want . 
 

Even if you actually file divorce, so you can show the court stamp … you don’t have to go through with it ( for example don’t file proof of service and withdraw the dissolution)..IF she comes back home and you two reconcile, I would slowly reread ALL of the above VJ posts and see if the two of you can work out the challenges.

 

IF you have given up then , pull the I-864 ( by sending letter to USCIS stating the marriage is not viable and you are filing for divorce). .. but slow it down till things are worked out. 

[RO_AH 1,615]

2 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

She's never driven a car, nor had a license.

My wife is the same.

2 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I understand she wants a car for example, so she can be more independent and not have to rely on me to take us places.

Here is where my wife is different. A lot may disagree with me on this, but independence is not always a good thing. We do everything together as a family. To me, you marry to become one. The more independent a couple gets the less they need each other. The less reason that they have to stay together.

2 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I'm trying to explain that I would rather not take out a loan for a car at this point because we have other things to focus on. One being a baby that will be arriving in December. 

Like I suspected above...You are engaging in debate. Explaining or arguing a topic makes her feel that she can change your mind or win on this issue. Every time you entertain discussion on the topic you fuel the fire.Just giving yourselves a topic to argue over.

2 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I typically pay cash for everything and unfortunately the immigration process, supporting her for two years while waiting for our case to process took a huge chunk of my savings.

There is a big problem with people in the Philippines (and other foreign countries) think we are rich and in USA money just falls from the sky and we have endless resources. I don't know this but I suspect maybe you were sending too much trying to keep her happy but at the same time set up false expectations.

2 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I don't know how else to explain this to her. 

Don't waste time explaining. This is a fact and not open for discussion. Your wife needs to have a level of trust in you and your discussion making if the marriage will work. Sadly it seems she doesn't.

 

I will give you some advice I learned a long time ago. Here is how you win every argument with you spouse. By not having one. Great to talk things out, but if it gets to the point that you will start arguing and you have to keep explaining your point, you have lost.

[RO_AH 1,615]

2 hours ago, Family said:

Put her on the spot and go do a Divorce Packet ( you can DIY the forms ) , show them to her and say you are filing,  tell her based on her actions ( leaving the marital home, taking the children away disrupting their life proves to you that she will do that in the future with your newborn)…BECAUSE THAT is what she seems to want . 

Honestly this is not a bad idea. Call the bluff. A lot of times being tampo is to try to manipulate you to get a response. If she gets this as a response it might be a lesson learned. But if divorce is something she is contemplating, you will find that out too real quick. @NoMansLand2020 go back and read my PM to you from the last post that you made.

[notantifun 196]

Wants a car, doesn't have a license and has never driven??!! Your wife is delusional. If I were you, I'd play nice and convince her to fly home for vacation and never let her back. JFC this woman has some grand plans that could ruin your life. And i say this as a woman.

[Carpe Vinum 2,310]

My wife doesn't drive but works full time. She carpools with another Filipina. We kick in gas money. I take her one day a week. St. Louis isn't the safest place to be driving around in alone when you do not know the neighborhoods or who you can trust if you have problems.  We do most things together but she has a few close friends that she does things with without me. I had to push her a little to do this. I think the relative isolation of life here in the US compared to the Philippines can be the most difficult obstacle for adjustment.

 

As to the OP's predicament.  Pulling the 864 and attempting to have her return home is an option but she is pregnant with your child. Do you you really want to do that? I am pretty sure I could not.

Edited May 21, 2022 by Carpe Vinum

[B_J 2,752]

This is cool. We went from him only viewing his wife as a commodity that he's unhappy with to now she's an evil manipulator. 

 

Is there any chance their just two normal people in a bad situation who haven't figured out how to communicate with each other?

[NoMansLand2020 298]

She feels some trust with my mother. And has opened up to her on several occasions. She told my mother yesterday that she would try to give me a second chance, but if I hit her again it would be over. 

 

I messaged my wife bcak in regards to her debit card being blocked. That we had no idea where or who she was with and that I did not want her to be taken advantage of. I told her that I was in the wrong for hitting her. That there should never be a reason to hit anyone and that it wouldn't happen again. I told her that I would immediately enroll in an anger management program so that I could learn how to deal with my frustrations in a controlled manner. 

 

She said she would forgive me if I acknowledged that I hit her other arm which I did and said again there was no excuse for my actions. And that as mentioned above it wouldn't happen again and that I would go to counseling. 

 

She asked how could she know it wouldn't happen again. I responded that I knew that I would lose the most important thing in my life which was my her and the kids. She didn't respond to that.  But responded this morning that she has decided to get a separation and that I need to turn on her debit card so she can pay rent and food as per her, I am responsible for that. 

 

I have yet to respond to this request. I think we both need to sit down and talk about things. Especially with the kids and baby on the way. Text messages don't resolve issues. 

Edited May 21, 2022 by NoMansLand2020