Impact on relationship

[Biffa 89]

Hi Sarah,

I am so surprised I don't see more posts like this - I have been so tempted to post the same thing! 

This process is so difficult, at times I've thought the aim of the US government is to eke out the weak so people don't make it through these hugely long wait times! 

I'm doing the K1 visa, the 6 month wait time was the hardest, now we are nearing to an interview stage. (Which is also a weird phenomenon because now Im so used to being back home that I'm anxious knowing I'm leaving soon). Although the K1 is shorter wait times (at the time I couldn't think of doing the CR1 cos it seemed so much longer) but now I realise the K1 has its own set of issues with having to wait up to 5 months to work in US (which will drive me proper mental and provide huge challenges within our marriage because I want to work ASAP). I've been lucky my partner is such a steady eddy and just gets on with life. My advice to get through this time period is work full time (made me feel SO much better), schedule visits for 3 month increments or hold out as long as you can so it passes the time. Know that one day it'll all be over and you're going to stuck together, forever! (Perhaps try and enjoy your freedoms you may not have as much when you're together...) 

Heart goes out to you though. Sometimes I just want to hang out with all the people on this site cos they understand the pain and frustration!!!

Also --- contrary to what some people have posted on this thread. I have DEFINITELY found the relationship changed... Like not for bad, but the distance does in turn, create a distance between you eventually.. I find its like I'm living my own life and him his, and unless you want to be texting every 3 seconds you definitely lose touch on what the other persons doing and it does feel like you're living seperate lives. Thats what happens to me after about 3 weeks apart. But we've never had fights, or broken up, or anything like that. The relationship just changes naturally. I think aslong as you're both committed to the end game and trust each other, somehow, you miraculously make it through... Trying to be as honest as possible!! hate fake bs answers on stuff like this lol - its a rough ride for sure

Edited January 17, 2019 by Biffa

[Biffa 89]

10 hours ago, Apelcina said:

To answer your question... yes. It can happen even to strong and genuine couples. Only someone who is naive will tell you that if it's true love then mountains can't stand between you; there is a lot more to relationships than "love".

 

I have been long distance for over two years now and I can feel that the humdrum of daily life, which ironically used to be novel and fun to discuss, also begins to turn stale. I've made a conscious effort to make a mental note of interesting things that happen to me, I see or read.

 

And here is the key, the bottom line, the beginning and the end-all, the ring to your golem: you are responsible for your happiness. You need to make yourself happy first, and that will let you live more in moment, more carefree, more interesting, more addicting.

100% agree

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

I'll preface this by saying that I'm one of those weird people that didn't mind being apart and having Skype dates.  Living together meant that someone was always in my space, I had to share a bedroom (which I abhor), and so on. We've been married 6.5 years now, so don't any newbies go "oh but you can't be in looooooooove if you don't want to share the same space."

 

That being said, the immigration process while we were together was stressful. It consumed my thoughts and I was well and truly stressed over it. Lots of things beyond immigration put a stress on our marriage, like the death of a parent, infertility, miscarriages, living with my mother, our different socio-economic backgrounds, and him not bowing to my obviously superior intellect (I'm being sarcastic here). We weathered our storms together and it has made our marriage pretty unbreakable. 

 

11 hours ago, Sarah G said:

I definitely know we are lucky that I'm from the UK, and will be able to visit him in the interim. 

 

Alcohol has long been an issue. When I'm there he is better with it, when we are apart he uses it as a crutch. We have discussed it several times, and he is seeking therapy to deal with the underlying issues. 

 

My problem is that I am a control freak. Usually it manifests quite healthily but in this scenario I have no control over the immigration process. The waiting makes me feel powerless and I find that hard to deal with. My response is to read constantly about this process, knowledge is power, and I need to feel some kind of power or I am all kinds of uncomfortable. 

 

 

I honestly think that once alcohol is an issue, it is always an issue, even when the person is in recovery. Any sort of life stressor can throw that person right back down into a dark hole. It is your life and your marriage, so you do what makes you comfortable, but excessive drinking is beyond my comfort zone.

 

I am also a bit of a control freak and it manifests in some other ways, like not liking being a passenger in heavy traffic. I find it helps to figure out something to occupy your time elsewhere. The more you read, the worse it is going to get.

[Daniela M_______ 409]

Hi Sarah, 

In our case it's been difficult but somehow easy at the same time. The immigration journey itself requires an incredible amount of patience. I've been teaching myself to just wait. In the past when I rushed things they never worked (from jobs to relationships and other life circumstances), so I'm like "whatever is going to happen will happen wether if I push it or not". We've grown together as a couple after 2 years LDR, at first we had visits every 4 months but the last year was specially hard because we haven't seen each other since May 2018. We were traying to push the visit as far as possible because we tought I would be in the US by Dec 2018 and we ddin't want to spend money we could have used to file for AOS or for the wedding. Well, it didn't happen, but we still managed to survive.

 

We communicate everyday, from good morning to good night but still we give each other space when neccesary. At the beginning of the immigration process all I could talk about was the visa, what I read, etc. As the first month or so went by I felt more relaxed because there was nothing that we could have done to speed up the process. It's not in our hands so let's relax and just wait.

 

To give you some context. I live away from my home country, I came to Mexico 2 years ago and I didn't know a soul back then, my family is back home, and I only have 2 friends in here but overall I'm very independent and I like being alone and enjoy my time. I keep myself busy working and walking around the city. What brings me the most anxiety, is that I can't commit to anything permanent because I'm leaving soon and at the same time I have to keep myself busy... It's been exhausting but so far I managed to handle it.

LDR are hard and IMO not for everyone, a LDR will survive as long as the 2 people in it have a clear path and a timeline to be together, and we all here seem to have that path clear (maybe with a plan B or C), so follow the path, look forward but stay in the present. You will be together sooner than later. 

[sherydenise 66]

13 hours ago, Sarah G said:

 

My problem is that I am a control freak. Usually it manifests quite healthily but in this scenario I have no control over the immigration process. The waiting makes me feel powerless and I find that hard to deal with. My response is to read constantly about this process, knowledge is power, and I need to feel some kind of power or I am all kinds of uncomfortable. 

 

I'm quite the same, well in the beginning I didn't really look anything up because I knew there would be a little wait, but neither of us realised it would be a 20 month wait for our approval(f2a) as his friends all had much shorter wait times for theirs a couple of years ago. We've been long distance for 6 years and married for 2. 

 

After I realised the process was taking longer than usual, thats when I started googling and finding out information. I joined VJ last year and facebook groups and would let him know about peoples timelines and what we should expect and many of our conversations turned into talking about immigration and the process and me saying "I read this..." and he'd say "but my friends said this.." and probably 80% of our conversations were me talking about it until he told me to stop because its just stressful on him and he doesn't want to think about it. So I did stop, until we got our approval then I slooowlllyyyy started talking about it again (not to the extent I was before) and after a couple of weeks he told me to stop again - which is when I told him that I NEED someone to be able to talk with about this - none of my friends or family have ever been through this process or understand what we're going through, whereas most of his friends have gone through it and he talks with them about it when he wants but won't talk to me about it. Then I got all dramatic and said I won't mention anything else until I have my visa and book my plane ticket 🤣 🤣 but we were able to chat it out and see each others point of view. 

 

It does get super stressful and hard, but might be good for you guys to try and find a healthy balance of how much immigration talk happens between you two. I've found it really helpful for my peace of mind to know how far along we were in the process and what our next steps would be etc whereas my husband finds too much information as "stressful". Thankfully I've had these forums and the fb pages to talk with others about the whole thing otherwise I would've lost the plot haha..

 

I'm still waiting for a police certificate to arrive from overseas before I can submit my documents to NVC and I'm trying so hard not to talk about it every day because I can tell its starting to annoy him lol so I keep managing to find ways to bring it up to others as you can see 😂 

 

So I can understand how you're feeling, and I'm totally up to chat if you ever need to, even if its just about immigration stuff because I know how frustrating it can be to keep it all pent up inside while he tries not to think about it at all. I'm so thankful that this whole process will be over for us in a few months. Its been a loong two years so far (will be two years since filing next month!).

[Russ&Caro 1,548]

The sitting home alone, drinking and being unhealthy (poor sleep, poor eating habits, lost motivation to exercise) sounds pretty familiar to me as I waited for my wife to arrive 13 months after filing the i130. The good news is that after a choppy first 6 months after she arrived, things gradually got better. I dropped 40 pounds, cut back from 3-4 beers/night to 1, and started exercising, eating right and sleeping right.

 

I don't have any good advice to offer except maybe misery loves company. As difficult as nightly chats or calls often were, there was a sort of solidarity that formed btwn the two of us... like if we can get through this, then maybe our marriage will be stronger. I do remember falling back, during our chats, on the great memories from our wedding. We married in Colombia and amazingly 6 of my family members showed up to support us. We were surrounded by her friends and family and it was awesome. Talking about our wedding seemed to ease the loneliness some.

 

Best of luck to both of you as you wait it out.

[carmel34 3,531]

I love reading all of your heartfelt expressions of frustration with this long process.  I haven't met anyone here on VJ but I can sense a connection through your words.  I can relate and empathize and that makes a world of difference.  Thank you everyone, please know that your words comfort me, to know that others feel much the same way as I do, and as my husband does.  We all cope with this long wait to be together in different ways, but to know that there is an ending that will someday bring us together, whether in the US or some other country, helps so much to allay the doubts and fears and increase the patience that we all need to get through it.  Thank God for VJ and this very supportive community!  It has helped so much to check on how everyone is doing, offer a bit of advice to the newbies, and to know that we are together in this fight for love.  Thanks again to all of you!  And all the best wherever you are in this journey.

[JSWH 261]

2 years and 3 months ago, we started our immigration journey by submitting our application for fiancee visa. Today, we received the Green Card. If I learned something along the way, it is how to be patient and endure all curved balls life throws at us. By no means, it was the easy time of our lives. However, I am grateful for every single hardship we had to overcome together for what a great test of endurance it was and how much it strengthened our relationship. And of course, the VisaJourney forum has remained a great source of wisdom and emotional support throughout the process. 

Hang in there, you can do that!

Edited January 18, 2019 by JSWH

[Ed&Midori1031 330]

9 hours ago, carmel34 said:

My husband and I have seen our relationship grow stronger in the last 14 months, living apart.  Keys to this growth while waiting for the immigration process:

 

1.  complete honesty, sharing everything including feelings of jealousy, misunderstanding, doubts, fears

2.  trust, trust, trust

3.  constant communication every day via text, email, with a nightly video call to see each other, share how our day went, say good night, I love you

4.  frequent visits to be together--we have had seven so far

5.  be positive and focus on little daily things that we both appreciate, avoid too much doom and gloom, negativity, sadness, pain at being apart communication

6.  spend time on yourself, to be strong individually, set goals and work on them whatever they are like exercise, learning a language, career development, etc.  If you are strong individuals, you will be stronger as a couple.

 

Good luck everyone with your waits!

I second that!  

[Ed&Midori1031 330]

20 hours ago, Sarah G said:

For those who are going through fiancé or spousal visa processes, how has this affected your relationship? 

 

We have only just submitted the I-130 and already I know the stress is having an impact on us both. I find myself unable to talk to him about almost anything other than immigration related things, and I know it frustrates him hugely. His approach is to not talk about anything much at all, and stay home alone and drink all evening, every evening. Neither of us is dealing with it in a healthy way and it's really tough. 

 

I only left the US from my last visit nine days ago and already it feels like I haven't seen him in months. 

 

We tell ourselves this is a temporary situation, that every day that passes is a day closer to me getting the visa, but it really isn't that comforting. 

 

How on earth do you all cope? 

My wife and I always had a long distant relationship, and we had gotten so used to it.  Even while we were apart from each other, we had our issues, and often at times we didn't have much to talk about, so instead we came up with games to play with each other, like asking each other random questions to get to know each other more, sharing recipes for each of us to try, sharing things to put our opinions out, etc.  It is VERY tough, and keeping the flame going is the toughest part. There were moments where my wife and I would just be on the phone silent, and not talk at all, it did hurt. 

 

Do remind each other that each passing day is another day closer to getting the visa, and before you know it you will both be in each other's arms again.  Just remind each other not to stress, and to keep each other's heads up as best as possible.  Hope this helps... 

[Mrsjackson 300]

I gave birth in my home country while waiting for my k1 approval. Now mind you that was in Canada and he was able to visit quite a bit but still. I had a newborn and sleep deprivation and I was hormonal and I missed him terribly when he had to leave. It was so hard. But we got through it. As any couple who has a truly strong love and desire to be together will. It’s not easy but it’s not impossible. Plan visits and look forward to them. 

[beloved_dingo 1,932]

It's comforting in itself to see the stories of the people here that made it through it (some of which, it took many years and many hurdles to reach that point). 

 

I can certainly relate to many of the feelings expressed here. Last year was especially tough, because my fiance and I spent 10 months apart and we were also awaiting our NOA2 during this time. We spend every available moment talking and spending time together, but that doesn't always stop the loneliness and frustration. I have often felt like my life and our future together has been on hold through this process. "Normal" couples can just plan their wedding, move in together, buy/rent their own place, etc. But then I remember that there is literally no one else in the world that I want to marry, and at the end of the day that is what makes it worth it.

 

My fiance has his interview on January 29th. I have been so stressed out and scared leading up to it so far, but I just hope and pray that soon he will have his visa in hand.

Good luck to the rest of you that are in various stages of the process, and thank you to all of you here that have already made it through but come back here to give advice and support. I have done research here for just about every little thing you could think of

[Sarah G 166]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and sharing your experiences. It really helps to know that we are not alone in this and that so many others are dealing with the same thing. It's very helpful to read of the various ways you deal with it, both practically and emotionally and I truly appreciate your input.