I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[acajim 16]

After reading 9 pages, divorce is the most common answer, and is a great answer, it's quick and you don't have to face the origin or reality of the problem. But, is the right choice? You're the only person who can answer if is worth fighting for your marriage.

 

So far I like the response from JKStark about the possible reasons of her behavior, I also like the response from NelmaGriffin about cultural differences.

 

OrangesApples brought up something very important that I may not understand to its fullest, so I'll give you my personal point of view about the last name, to me, it's not important. Couples with same last name can fight and cheat on each other, while couples not even married can be faithful 100%. As I'm reading all the posts, I came across Eric & Idalia post about the last name.

 

Anniversary date is not important, at least to me. Going back to cultural differences, I've seen that here in the US, dates like birthdays, anniversaries are very important, anniversaries to broken relationships!

 

Facebook? for your is important... is it important for the rest to know you're married? Maybe, maybe they don't care.

 

RLA has a point: Maybe she doesn't feel loved by you, and if you don't fix it, the relationship won't have any chance to survive.

 

I didn't like the comments from Aussielad. We don't know her side of the story.

 

I found Natyerus questions very important, this is from a person who can relate to your wife, being from the same country.

 

You could be insecure, needy or both, that's not a problem as long as the other person likes it that way. You just need to find the correct person.

 

As some others already post it, if we ask your wife, what would she say about you? Have you change? Have you hurt her in any way? I'm the immigrant, and I've seen many times that here in the US is very acceptable to say whatever it comes to mind, then apologize and expect that with just one "I'm sorry", life goes back to what it was. In other words, sometimes is the way we say things and not the essence of the message that's hurtful.

 

By no means I'm putting the blame on somebody, but you said you're in your 30s, and this is your second wife, What happened to your first marriage?  .... we all have our past and we all are carrying our own baggage that can affect our present relationships. It'll be better to have an impartial point of view, from somebody who can speak with you as well as with your wife. Reading your message, of course we all going to blame her, but it wouldn't be fair. Keep your integrity and give her a chance to express her point of view. You both can learn from each other and have a better communication.

 

Good luck.

[Mary Lou 673]

4 hours ago, Orangesapples said:

Since when is Facebook central to a relationship? 

Exactly, I feel the best relationships aren't on Facebook. JMO

[dentsflogged 352]

17 hours ago, Going through said:

The sex thing....I get it, it *is* important in a relationship.  Perhaps there is a medical reason behind the lack of sex drive, however....certain types of prescription medication/ailments can lower the libido...might be a stretch but worth finding out for your sake (giving her the benefit of the doubt here, bedroom-wise).

 

The last name thing...I initially balked on that one too, truth be told.  Part of it was my self-reasoning that I'm giving up my country, I'm giving up my family, I'm giving up my friends, I'm giving up my job, I'm giving up my lifestyle, I'm giving up my home and a lot of my belongings....what, you want me to give up my NAME too!?!?  (how I thought to myself at the time when the topic first came up).

 

All the other stuff....perhaps you both would do well with a marriage counselor if you want to save your marriage as it sounds like there's a lot of resentment/underlying issues built up over the years. 

 

As for the "only in it for the green card" angle----only you will have seen the early warning signs of that, in hindsight.  Any other clues in regards to that?

Second this. 

There's also the very real possibility that she may be depressed - which is a major libido killer. Leaving my country, family etc and working in a job where I'm not earning a lot (per the OPs comment) would be enough to push someone over the edge.

Perhaps she's asexual, perhaps she's fallen for someone else, perhaps OP has put on a lot of weight recently and she's not attracted to him anymore. 

 

As for the Facebook thing... well, if it bothers you, OP, have you ASKED?   My partner doesn't have a FB at all anymore (he and I are both very quickly sliding into social media blackout because we both hate it lately, but he made the jump before I did) - maybe your wife feels the same as I do - that social media is a circle-jerk of "look at me, see how much better my life is than yours!" and is one of the fastest ways to make yourself feel bad if you're comparing yourself to others. 

 

You don't say that you've tried talking to her about any/all of these issues (and more importantly, talked about them in a way isn't telling her what she's doing WRONG, but talking about options about how both of you could feel better TOGETHER) but that the thing you DID talk to her about she's changed, which suggests that she is willing to try.  She's not a mindreader and can't be expected to know if you haven't said.

[dentsflogged 352]

17 hours ago, bogrob said:

 

She's not taking any medication that would hurt her sex drive. She's just not interested and avoids it. I understand the last name thing but my issue is that she should have told me before she came. She initially said that she wouldn't have any problems taking my last name. It was when she came here and we got married that she all of a sudden had an issue with it. I never saw any red flags about her green card and even now, she doesn't have it. She has the work permit but we are waiting for the green card. Do you honestly think that marriage counseling would work? I don't know why but I just don't have a lot of faith in that. 

In which case, your marriage may already be doomed.  Couples therapy only works for the people that WANT it to work.

 

OP I'm gonna be honest with you here: Your post makes you sound entitled and whingey.  I'm sorry if it's harsh, but it's true.  She's not cleaning and having sex with you enough, and hasn't changed her last name to stamp your ownership all over herself?  It's 2018, not 1918.   If my partner was demanding sex just because we previously had it at a more frequent rate, or was berating me for not cleaning enough, then having more sex with him is the absolute last thing that would happen.

 

Generally speaking if people aren't having sex in a long term relationship, there's a reason. 

She could be depressed. She could have a hormonal issue.  Maybe it's just one of the slumps that every relationship goes through. 

 

She's not a sex-bot designed to spread her legs and clean on command, she's a human being who has feelings and drives of her own and it seems like, for whatever reason, her sex drive is not chugging along right now.  Women's biggest driver for sex is between her ears, so try engaging her brain not just giving her oral.  Romance her with no thought of doing it just to get laid. Do things for her that make her remember & appreciate the good times you've had together. Treat her like you did when you were first dating or on your visits when it wasn't an expectation that she have sex with you. 

 

Others have said that she's "clearly in it for the green card" which could also be true, but giving her the benefit of the doubt, assume it's not and really try to work on the relationship. Try taking her out somewhere that you're both comfortable but also is not in the house so it removes any of the daily "lets just watch that last episode of Mad Men on Netflix" distractions and really try to talk.  Ask if she's unhappy. Ask if there's anything you're doing that she's rather you try to change. Ask if she's homesick, or misses her family, or not feeling well or whatever.  Just ask. Listen with an open mind.  It'll be hard but try not to interrupt or assume anything she may open up about is a personal attack. And when she's had her chance to talk, you try - try it like "this behaviour makes me feel this way" not "I hate when you don't have sex with me"- rather "I feel that we're lacking physical intimacy which makes me feel disconnected" or try putting a positive spin on it like "I really liked it when you used to kiss me more, it made me feel good the whole day" or something. 

At the end of the day, saying that you're only her second ever partner and laying the blame on HER by saying she "doesn't know how to love someone" is a complete copout and laying the whole blame on her.

[dentsflogged 352]

12 hours ago, Trinab80 said:

 

12 hours ago, Trinab80 said:

Final deal breaker....WOMEN NEVER....I MEAN NEVER, FORGET ANNIVERSARIES!!!! I don't have to go any further than that! We just don't!

Well, .  I guess I have to hand in my uterus now, since I have no freaking CLUE when my anniversary is.

Sometime in the last week of August is the closest I can manage.  I also couldn't tell you what year my partner was born without having to do the math (I know the day, but have to do the numbers to work out the year) and could probably, if I was offered money for it, get a reasonably close guess for other key events.  But yet, I can tell you the exact details of a conversation I had with someone years ago with very little prompting.  Some people just don't care about meaningless stuff like anniversaries. It's literally just a day on a calendar which marks off another year since an event.  In many places, anniversaries aren't even a thing like they are in the west. 

 

[Roel 7,191]

If you're miserable in the marriage and see no way it can be fixed, just divorce her. Plain and simple. Not sure how this needs 9 pages of advices.. 

 

Also this should be asked on some relationship forums since I don't really see any immigration issues. 

[NicolaBolton87 161]

42 minutes ago, Roel said:

If you're miserable in the marriage and see no way it can be fixed, just divorce her. Plain and simple. Not sure how this needs 9 pages of advices.. 

 

Also this should be asked on some relationship forums since I don't really see any immigration issues. 

This is so harsh and unnecessary.

 

I see posts like this on VJ all the time and it makes me so sad. Why does it matter if it's an immigration issue or not? This person is a human being going through a hard time and has reached out to this community for advice.

 

Is it not our duty as empathetic beings to understand, support and advise no matter what the issue is?

[RO_AH 1,615]

No time to read it all but I read the first few pages. Normally I see people come here and complain about their spouse and a lot of time the problem is they did not discuss important issues before getting married. I am like you in the sense my wife should take my last name. So of course that was discussed and she did. It is also important to me that she always wear her ring. It is much more than a piece of jewelery. As for Facebook, if people are very active and posting on Facebook they tend to want to share their life with people they know. If your married to someone that person should be the most important person in your life, so how do you share your life on Facebook and leave that person out? No sex? To me that is just an extension of your love together. If 2 people are in love with each other it is the most beautiful enjoyable thing that they can share. It is a very special thing and one of the most important things in a marriage/relationship. The fact that everything was fine before her arrival is a huge red flag. I agree that counseling most likely would not help the situation. If she was truly in love with you and in the marriage for the right reasons she would be the one suggesting counseling. She has to know that she is not acting like a wife and would want to find a way to fix that right? The money issue...When you get married my belief is that the 2 become one. That means there is no separate accounts. You have joint accounts and as a couple you work out what will be spent where. It's not, I pay this bill, you pay that bill, I spend my money here and you spend your money there. Where is the WE in that last sentence?

 

To me her intentions were not pure. You and everyone deserves to be happy in a functioning relationship. I don't believe counseling would do anything but buy her more time. Best of luck to you. 

[conch monch 22]

3 hours ago, dentsflogged said:

In which case, your marriage may already be doomed.  Couples therapy only works for the people that WANT it to work.

 

OP I'm gonna be honest with you here: Your post makes you sound entitled and whingey.  I'm sorry if it's harsh, but it's true.  She's not cleaning and having sex with you enough, and hasn't changed her last name to stamp your ownership all over herself?  It's 2018, not 1918.   If my partner was demanding sex just because we previously had it at a more frequent rate, or was berating me for not cleaning enough, then having more sex with him is the absolute last thing that would happen.

 

Generally speaking if people aren't having sex in a long term relationship, there's a reason. 

She could be depressed. She could have a hormonal issue.  Maybe it's just one of the slumps that every relationship goes through. 

 

She's not a sex-bot designed to spread her legs and clean on command, she's a human being who has feelings and drives of her own and it seems like, for whatever reason, her sex drive is not chugging along right now.  Women's biggest driver for sex is between her ears, so try engaging her brain not just giving her oral.  Romance her with no thought of doing it just to get laid. Do things for her that make her remember & appreciate the good times you've had together. Treat her like you did when you were first dating or on your visits when it wasn't an expectation that she have sex with you. 

 

Others have said that she's "clearly in it for the green card" which could also be true, but giving her the benefit of the doubt, assume it's not and really try to work on the relationship. Try taking her out somewhere that you're both comfortable but also is not in the house so it removes any of the daily "lets just watch that last episode of Mad Men on Netflix" distractions and really try to talk.  Ask if she's unhappy. Ask if there's anything you're doing that she's rather you try to change. Ask if she's homesick, or misses her family, or not feeling well or whatever.  Just ask. Listen with an open mind.  It'll be hard but try not to interrupt or assume anything she may open up about is a personal attack. And when she's had her chance to talk, you try - try it like "this behaviour makes me feel this way" not "I hate when you don't have sex with me"- rather "I feel that we're lacking physical intimacy which makes me feel disconnected" or try putting a positive spin on it like "I really liked it when you used to kiss me more, it made me feel good the whole day" or something. 

At the end of the day, saying that you're only her second ever partner and laying the blame on HER by saying she "doesn't know how to love someone" is a complete copout and laying the whole blame on her.

+1.

 

Esther Perel and John Gottman are world renowned relationship experts if you feel up for some reading about some of the issues you've raised. If not beneficial to this relationship, perhaps to future ones.

[Unlockable 7,306]

I am noticing people are taking issue with the fact that the OP is bothered that his wife didn't take his last name. Yes, she has every right not to take his name but I think many are missing the problem with that situation.

 

The problem is that she was in agreement to taking his last name up until after they got married. Then her tone changed and she said she couldn't do it.

 

That right there is a huge manipulation tactic and is highly disrespectful.

[dentsflogged 352]

56 minutes ago, NuestraUnion said:

I am noticing people are taking issue with the fact that the OP is bothered that his wife didn't take his last name. Yes, she has every right not to take his name but I think many are missing the problem with that situation.

 

The problem is that she was in agreement to taking his last name up until after they got married. Then her tone changed and she said she couldn't do it.

 

That right there is a huge manipulation tactic and is highly disrespectful.

I don't necessarily disagree that it's an issue, but are people not allowed to change their minds? I doubt there's been a single person on this forum or thread who hasn't said "When X happens I will do Y" but when they find themselves in the scenario, realise that the reality of it is very different and that they perhaps don't want to do that thing anymore, or don't want to do it right away.

As others have pointed out, OP's wife left home, family, country, culture and everything she'd ever known, perhaps the idea of giving up her last name (in the short term - it can always be changed later) was one thing too many right now.

 

[o0o 133]

Sorry to hear this. It’s evident that she’s driving you to pursue divorce.

[o0o 133]

12 minutes ago, o0o said:

Sorry to hear this. It’s evident that she’s driving you to pursue divorce.

If i were u I’d make a move fast before she gets perm residency green card coz to me i feel like shes gonna leave once this has been completed. You’ve tried and were patient, don’t be used anymore, put it to an end.

[Lemonslice 4,563]

22 minutes ago, dentsflogged said:

I don't necessarily disagree that it's an issue, but are people not allowed to change their minds? I doubt there's been a single person on this forum or thread who hasn't said "When X happens I will do Y" but when they find themselves in the scenario, realise that the reality of it is very different and that they perhaps don't want to do that thing anymore, or don't want to do it right away.

As others have pointed out, OP's wife left home, family, country, culture and everything she'd ever known, perhaps the idea of giving up her last name (in the short term - it can always be changed later) was one thing too many right now.

 

Exactly. If I felt my spouse didn't respect my decision to change my mind on something as trivial as a name, then I wouldn't feel comfortable doing many other things with them...

[NBA16 55]

She shows all the signs, not just one or 2. Not wearing the ring, relationship status on Facebook, sending most of the money to her parents and not helping you, forgetting anniversary, rarely physical touch and no sex. It is not even like she is cheating on you with someone else, it is more like she is cheating on someone else with you twice a year.

Divorce and move on, save yourself.