Suicide note?

[Ash.1101 1,755]

13 minutes ago, Igsy said:

She gave herself the bruises by punching herself. It is really bad and frightening because I care about her and I don't know how she can be so careless. 

 

Thanks for for the help everyone. I am getting her a doctor , and a counselor for us. I know she gave yo her life by moving her but I didn't expect she would turn out like this.

 

and clearly shes depressed, I understand that, but I feel there is a misunderstanding. I want to send her to Russia to unwind. It would be good to visit her friends and family, and especially her grandfather. I'm not trying to divorce her or abandon her. I'm simply suggesting a vacation while she clears her mind.  It's better than having her feel "stuck" at home. If you're curious, she doesn't work, or drive.

 

im not even going to mention driving because I feel I could write an entire essay on that.

If you don't fix the issues at home, there's no point of her going to Russia to "unwind" only to come back home to you behaving like you. It's like having a house that's slowly burning and going "You know what, let's go off to the beach because I don't want to deal with this", have a great week at the beach and then come home to a house that's still on fire. It's  the whole "take a vacation from reality" concept, it's nice when you think that you can have a break, but it's even worse when you drop back down to earth

While some people feel that depression can just be fixed by circumstances, depression going -THAT- far isn't as simple as taking a break. 

Just from this thread alone, you've shown your disdain for her not driving, you've believed that she's careless (which yeah, depression), you can't believe she turned out this way, you think she should just go off and unwind.




I think the problem that a lot of us in this thread are having is that even without you straight up saying it, it seems like you blame her for doing this. It seems like you blame her for why both of your lives isn't easier because she doesn't drive, that you blame her because you care about her yet she hurts herself, that you blame her for becoming something you never imagined.

If that's so implied in the thread, regardless of your real feelings, what are your text conversations like when you're in the same house but don't see each other face to face? How do YOU make HER feel in the home she shares with you?



You may understand that she's depressed but you may not realize you don't understand how deeply depressed she is, or how dangerous depression actually is.

Edited March 15, 2017 by Ash.1101

[JimJesDuma 472]

13 minutes ago, Igsy said:

Oh yea.. sure. "Honey i saw your suicide note on your phone so let's bang and everything will be A-ok!"

you are the one who said it was part of the problem. Every story has 2 sides. It would be interesting to hear hers.

 

Jim

[Dianalorena 1,153]

Others have already said it, you're looking at it in a bit of a limited, narrow perspective. 

Depression is a real thing, she is sick. She is not being ''careless on porpoise'' or trying to harm herself on porpoise. She is being overruled, dominated by this. She can't think straight, and you trying to detach from the situation will only make it worse. The best thing in my opinion is to seek profesional help since it's out of both of your control, but don't send her home without treating the underlining issues. 

 

I've dealt with depression and it is hell. Your mind is foggy, you want to function normally but it is hard to even think of getting out of bed. You start to experience ideas that scare you, but they feel like they're not your own, but you can't control them still. The worst part? people getting angry at you for doing this to yourself or others, as if it were a choice. Because on top of being depressed now you feel extremely guilty and that you're not worth living. Don't do that to her. 

I can absolutely assure you that she is terrified  and needs you the most right now. Don't blame it on her, find help and proper treatment/ medication (if it's necessary) Good luck, I hope everything works out for you both. 

[Marco&Bettina 502]

24 minutes ago, Ash.1101 said:

If you don't fix the issues at home, there's no point of her going to Russia to "unwind" only to come back home to you behaving like you. It's like having a house that's slowly burning and going "You know what, let's go off to the beach because I don't want to deal with this", have a great week at the beach and then come home to a house that's still on fire. It's  the whole "take a vacation from reality" concept, it's nice when you think that you can have a break, but it's even worse when you drop back down to earth

While some people feel that depression can just be fixed by circumstances, depression going -THAT- far isn't as simple as taking a break. 

Just from this thread alone, you've shown your disdain for her not driving, you've believed that she's careless (which yeah, depression), you can't believe she turned out this way, you think she should just go off and unwind.




I think the problem that a lot of us in this thread are having is that even without you straight up saying it, it seems like you blame her for doing this. It seems like you blame her for why both of your lives isn't easier because she doesn't drive, that you blame her because you care about her yet she hurts herself, that you blame her for becoming something you never imagined.

If that's so implied in the thread, regardless of your real feelings, what are your text conversations like when you're in the same house but don't see each other face to face? How do YOU make HER feel in the home she shares with you?



You may understand that she's depressed but you may not realize you don't understand how deeply depressed she is, or how dangerous depression actually is.

Agreed. I can only imagine he treats her like he feels and that has systematically led to the detriment of her self confidence and security. She may have already had these feelings in Russia and hoped OP could help her become a better person. But instead she is now worse and feels completely hopeless.

Edited March 15, 2017 by Marco&Bettina

[YsabelEric 5]

I dont know your work situation, I know it can be hard for some people to take time off but what about trying to take a vacation back to Russia with her so it doesnt seem like you are sending her off by herself? She still gets to go back and visit with people like you said and you guys get to share some time together that you both may need. 

[Ontarkie 13,918]

~~One post removed. If you cannot post something constructive do not post.~~

[Tosh Love 77]

So sorry to hear about what you are both going through. Here are some numbers that might help and I hope you make a call for her even if she is not willing to do so herself. I do not know your County in California so I am including a general number and the California Behavioral Health link (Suicide). Good Luck with everything.

Suicide Prevention

Call 1-800-273-8255         

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/california-suicide-hotlines.html

 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

5 hours ago, DrEllaNJ said:

my husband snores and he has involuntary spasms which make his legs shake. And yet, every night, I fall asleep with his arms around me (I wear earplugs). You get used to it.

 

Even if you sleep on the couch, do you touch her? Cuddle before leaving to go sleep on the couch? I'm not naively suggesting this will solve all your problems, but show her you care. Find out what her love language is, and try to speak it.

 

 

I do want to point out that this really isn't necessary for every couple.  For the first few years of our marriage, we often slept in different rooms or I slept on the floor in the same room.  Even still now, nearly 5 years into it, we spend maybe 3 hours a night in the same bed and only because our couch is not long enough to sleep on.  I just don't like it and I couldn't think of anything less conducive to sleep than cuddling or snoring.

 

 

[USAMorocco 143]

6 hours ago, Marco&Bettina said:

That's not going to help her. She needs support from her SPOUSE!

I disagree with this.  As someone who works in the mental health field and going by what the message said she has been dealing with depression for a while and is at her breaking point.  Even if she is just voicing her feelings.  

 

I would take my spouse to therapy get her in asap.  Turning your back on her now will not help.  You didn't make a mistake getting married and this isn't her fault.  A Good therapist and possibly medication may be the answer.  Only a trained medical professional who does a complete psych evaluation will be able to make the call.  But at this point she needs you to be there for her as her family is not here and really you are all she has.  Even if it's a cry for help she trusts you enough to let you into this part of her.  Help her don't run.  It is not uncommon for people with depression or some kind of mental health issue to hurt themselves...cutting and Things of that nature are not suicide attempts but for the moment it relieves the pain on the inside.  As it was recommended to you....if you fear for her life call 911 they will take her to a psychiatric ward and she will be evaluated...which then she will be given what she needs as well.  It is also a fast track way into getting her help as going through mental health clinics can be a lengthy wait on your own.  Good luck! 

[Likeitizz 76]

Hello,

Remember, you married your wife because you LOVE her.

According to the Word of God. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS." (1 Corithians 13:4-8)

 

Don't give up on your Love. She needs her husband. Remember "for better or for worse" She is sick (depreesed). Please seek counseling for both of you. Perhaps you can find a support group for yourself with others who have love ones battling depression as well. 

 

May God comfort you and deliver your wife. ?

 

[Lenchick 133]

8 hours ago, Igsy said:

Hello. Throwaway account for identity reasons. Me and my wife have been married alittle under 2 years now. Our marriage was great but the past few months have been daunting.  

 

I think I made a mistake by getting married , and I also did not pay attention to some red flags. I don't want to bash my wife on the internet but she can be very hysterical sometimes. I have never witnessed anyone in my life ever behave like her. 

 

Last week we got into an argument because I haven't had sex with her (my mind isn't into it). And I went to sleep on the couch, after work and school I came home and found that she was wearing a long sleeve shirt. I looked closely and saw bruise marks all over her arms, and she had them on her legs, too. I'm shocked and speechless, so much that I don't even know what to do.

 

last night she asked me why I was online on VK (vk is like a Russian Facebook). Again , I'm sleeping on the couch and while we bickered on our phones, I fell asleep. Apparently she took offense to that. As I'm leaving work, i see her sleeping at 8am. I come home and prepare for my night classes at 4pm and she's still in bed. I think to myself "ok she must be sore from the gym or maybe she had a headache". After I came home from school at 9pm, she's still in bed!

 

I convinced her to get up and we went to buy some food. We came home and I grabbed her phone that she left on the bed. I opened her vk (like Facebook) and found this message in her chat (she sent it to herself)

 

"For asdf
I hope you'll find this message. Send the part of it to girls and my mum. I recommend you to block my mum after because she's hysterical. 

I don't want to live. I feel like I'm stuck in prison and I don't know what did I do wrong in my life. 
I can't go back, I can't stay here. I just can't be happy. I tried but I just can't.

You already know everything, we talked a lot. You know how depressed I am, you know all the reasons. 

A part for my mom and friends: я не чувствую себя счастливой. Мне жаль. Не расстраивайтесь. Никто ни в чем не виноват, это все я и особенности моего характера. 

Goodbye and have a good and happy life."

 

what in the hell do i do? I'm scared and thinking of sending her back to her country, at least for a vacation.

I might be wrong but for me it sounds as if she was a spoilt brat throwing tantrums to get some attention. Probably not for the first time? Is this her way to demand?  She is home and bored. Idle mind is a dangerous mind. Why doesn't she work?  Although, everyone judging you for refusing her sex, but obviously everyone forgets that none should have sex even with the loved one when they don't want it. It is not something you can be forced to give.  Is it normal not to want to have sex when you are exhausted? Yes, it is normal. Is it normal to get suicidal if you are refused? No, it is not normal. What does she want to be fixed not to feel trapped? Why does she not feel happy? What makes her feel she can't stay here and can't go back at the same time? From her words she feels stuck. What are all the reasons that you already know she mentioned, if you don't mind me asking.

 

The best therapy for her, besides counseling, is to get  busy and get some life; she needs to start going to school, find a job and learn driving.

 

It looks like this is not exactly the right place to get advice about your private problems. Except if you have some questions about visa process and such, no one really knows your situation and life to give you a reliable answer. No one truly knows what is happening, who is right and who is wrong. But I understand you needed to vent. I hope everything will work out  for you and your wife for the best and no one will suffer any loss. Take care of yourself and your family!

[Roy&Chanel 109]

Communication is the best solution. Don't send her away, have u ever think she might be unstable while on the plane ride home? What if something happen along the transit or on way back? Unless you're going to fly together with her and take vacation to be there to help her.

Try to open up and talk to her, alot of us first come to America and faced culture differences and being lonely while waiting for adjustment etc. Communication is the best, seek for professional help and u gotta show her some LOVE~~~~~~~~

[Rc123rc 528]

Counseling for the two of you and therapy for the depression for her. If she self harms or suicide attempts then dial 911 and let them handle it. Watch out for domestic abuse and violence charges since she had a bunch of bruises on her. I am speaking from experience on an ex-wife situation who is BPD and HPD. 

[Unshakable Faith 493]

1 hour ago, Lenchick said:

I might be wrong but for me it sounds as if she was a spoilt brat throwing tantrums to get some attention. Probably not for the first time? Is this her way to demand?  She is home and bored. Idle mind is a dangerous mind. Why doesn't she work?  Although, everyone judging you for refusing her sex, but obviously everyone forgets that none should have sex even with the loved one when they don't want it. It is not something you can be forced to give.  Is it normal not to want to have sex when you are exhausted? Yes, it is normal. Is it normal to get suicidal if you are refused? No, it is not normal. What does she want to be fixed not to feel trapped? Why does she not feel happy? What makes her feel she can't stay here and can't go back at the same time? From her words she feels stuck. What are all the reasons that you already know she mentioned, if you don't mind me asking.

 

The best therapy for her, besides counseling, is to get  busy and get some life; she needs to start going to school, find a job and learn driving.

 

It looks like this is not exactly the right place to get advice about your private problems. Except if you have some questions about visa process and such, no one really knows your situation and life to give you a reliable answer. No one truly knows what is happening, who is right and who is wrong. But I understand you needed to vent. I hope everything will work out  for you and your wife for the best and no one will suffer any loss. Take care of yourself and your family!

The fact that she did these things without his knowledge and not calling attention to herself would tell you that she didn't do it for attention.

 

If you read the original posts, he said she had long sleeves on, slept all day, and sent the letter to her own account.  He had to go through her phone to find it.

 

That's a definite cry for help, not a cry for attention.   I'm not sure of anything in his post that would lead you to believe she's a "spoiled brat" based on what he said.  She needs mental health treatment to help her through what she's feeling and experiencing. 

Edited March 16, 2017 by FN&KO
Unfinished

[Igsy 15]

Thanks to everyone that replied. This really opened my eyes and I know I can't take this lightly.

 

My brother offered her a job (he's a manager) in a well known electronics store and she expressed that she did not want to work in retail, and that she doesn't drive so she wouldn't be able to get there. 

 

We used ECE to look at her foreign diploma but she decided that she doesn't want to be a teacher so I told her she should go to college here and discover what she wants to do. 

 

The good thing is she will qualify to enroll as a resident this summer / fall.

 

as far as sex goes, thank you for addressing the fact that if a partner does not want to have sex, they shouldn't need to. It's not supposed to feel like a "chore". 

 

My situtation cant be examined in a forum. I mainly came here because I found the message she sent to herself, and I want to know what options we have. I did not think her depression is a sickness, because honestly what does she have to worry about? I support her financially and we're the same age. I feel like she's my daughter more than a wife. 

 

Anyway, thanks everyone for your support and like I said, we will get help. I've already set an appointment for her.