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Irrational husband adjustment issues and removal of condition

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Hi All,

I am the USC, and brought my husband on a K1 visa.

He's been here about 2 years and it's almost time to remove conditions.

Here is my issue (long post, I'm sorry)

From the beginning, he declared he doesn't like it here. He desperately wanted to come, imagining the US as the land of milk and honey, and an easy way to make money. He had severe adjustment issues, and in addition to feeling homesick and lonely and frustrated, he kept finding everything wrong with the US and it's people, constantly stating that his country and his countrymen are so much better.

It got so bad that he went home for 5 months, but then declared that he missed me and really wanted to return.

My perception is, that he decided that everything is bad here,and he barely tries to find friends, be nice to my friends or go out of his way to adjust.

I have tried to be understanding, and support him as much as I can - and turned into an enabler who tries to fulfill every whim he has.

As a result, we are now flat broke, and I am deeply in debt (all in my name).

He has used our credit cards to buy things without my knowledge.

He gets mad at the drop of a hat, and we have had many drag-out fights, during which he has done things like jump out of the car, declaring he was going to live in the streets now, demanding I buy him a ticket home, threatening to rip up the marriage certificate and so on.

During fights, he keeps telling me that I brought him here, so it's my responsibility to get him home again.

His anger gets out of control, and he will be very confrontational not just to me, but also to other people, if there is a perceived slight.

Rules do not apply to him, and while he is always sorry after one of those fights, he does not take any responsibility or admit that it might be something in his behavior, that is the problem.

He constantly states he is here to make money, so he can eventually return to his country and build a house there. When he does find a job, it never lasts more than 5 or 6 weeks (landscaping, dishwasher, cleaning). Sometimes it is not his fault, but he has quit jobs in a fit of anger (at me), or will threaten to quit because he wants to elicit a reaction.

I also have to add that he is a heavy pot smoker, so a lot of money goes towards that. I hate it, and I wonder if some of our issues do stem from his use, though he denies that it has any effect. I have asked him to quit many times, but it is a losing battle.

When things are good, he is very loving and we have a great relationship, playful, affectionate and fun. Then I feel he is the right man, the only man I ever want.

But he can drop on a dime, and will needle me with things that push my buttons until I get angry.

His main issue right now is my past and previous boyfriends. He implied that he considers me a #######, because I had many short-term relationships before him.

He demanded I get rid of our mattress (because previous boyfriends had slept over) and even that I burn the bed.

Now mind you, he had extensive relations before me as well....

I think this is mainly a way to assert himself and manipulate me into feeling guilty (which I don't. My past is my past, and I make no excuses. It's none of his business).

But I'm tired of him trying to belittle me and trying to make me feel bad about it.

I have asked him many times to not talk about my previous relationships or throw them in my face. He promises, but then he starts again the next day.

I usually try to remove myself from the argument (even leaving the house for an hour or so), but lately, he will follow me closely from room to room, taunting me.

Recently he woke up in the morning angry (we had a wonderful evening the night before), started talking about "why did you marry me. You should have married "so-and-so", talked himself into a frenzy (which I stayed calm, because the whole thing was so absurd).

He told me he was quitting his job (my red flag, because we need him to work and at least pay for his car - I pay all the other bills).

Then he called his boss, told him he was not coming to work and dragged a packed suitcase to the car and left.

I did see him sitting in the car for a while, so I think he was waiting for me to stop him, beg him not to go...whatever.

When I didn't, he left, but of course he was back in the evening, and not before he didn't send me a bunch of texts how much he loves me and kisses, and am I ok?

So I tried to talk to him that evening calmly, how that was not ok.

And again, this resulted in him arguing with me, until 2am, culminating in him trying to quit his job for good, rummaging through our paperwork to find the marriage certificate to rip it up, telling me he will never get over my past, and that he wants to divorce.

I told him he could leave, do whatever he wants, but that I loved him and didn't want a divorce. Then, suddenly out of the blue, he declared the argument was finished and went to bed.

Bizarre, right?

Now of course I am thinking that this behavior will probably only get worse and worse. When things are good, I feel like I never want to be without him, that he is the greatest yada yada yada.

But I can't close my eyes that he really doesn't contribute in any way to our life, and only thinks about what he wants...not about our future, or how it affects me.

His idea is to live back home for half of the year, and then come back for the other half to be with me. He has tried to talk me into moving elsewhere (anywhere but here), but I have a good job, good benefits and am about 10-15 years from retirement, so I can't just pack up and leave....somebody has to think about our financial situation.

I am willing to move once I retire, but in today's job market, I have to be realistic - especially since he can't be relied upon to be steady or a provider.

So lately I have been thinking, if somebody brings up divorce and leaving during every fight, and tells me he can't get over my past, maybe I should actually listen to what he is saying. Maybe this is truly what is in his heart?

Of course when I try to talk to him rationally about it, he tells me he will never leave me, I am his life, he is only here for me, etc.

I offered him to go back home for a year and visit. I offered him to spend half a year there, half a year here. (he wants to do that, but he needs money...)

He doesn't know what he wants - except to say that he can't return home without money.

Should I just buy him a plane ticket home instead of removing conditions?

What happens, if we don't remove condition and he overstays?

I don't want to waste another $600.00 for removing condition, if he just wants to go home anyway.

I would be willing to visit him and do the long-distance thing again, until I retire. Or file for him again in a few years, when he (hopefully) matures a bit more, and I'll be financially more stable again.

I have a really hard time letting go, but I feel that his basic message is loud and clear - he doesn't want to be here, and will make no effort to better his situation.

Could he visit as a tourist if we don't remove conditions (ie conditional green card expired) and stay married? (he technically has no ties to his country - no job, no home, no kids. He basically came with about half a suitcase full of clothes, he had no other possessions)

Feedback/advise would be appreciated.

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Oh the beauty of divorce. You don't have to put up with his attitude for life you know?

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Life is too short to put up with this childish, selfish, controlling behaviour. This is not love this is someone using someone else who has a kind and generous heart. People like this never change. He wants the best of both worlds but without the responsibility. He sounds like he has many many issues and you will keep going round in circles. No matter how much you think you love him right now, this really isn't healthy. It will be hard in the beginning but believe me you will find a weight has lifted. He sounds like a very immature excuse of a man who is only concerned about himself. He is grown and should be responsible for himself! These mind games will never end and they are used to try and control you. Take a deep breath and be strong. God willing you will make the right decision for you.

Edited by mommaK

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Let's take out all of the visa business. If you were simply two Americans..... with such a volatile relationship, it's time to throw in the towel. From what you have described, it sounds like this behavior would drag on for years. You are worth so much more, and deserve a true partner who will be equally supportive and genuinely in love. It sounds to me like he "wants his cake and be able to eat it, too". I'm sorry for the pain you are going through.

03/09/12 - NoA1
10/04/12 - NoA2 (210 days)


01/25/13 - NoA1
08/15/13 - NoA2 (199 days)

05/21/15 - NoA1

11/02/15 - NoA2 (164 days)


08/18/16 - NoA1
03/14/17 - Interview

03/16/17 - Oath Ceremony (217 days)

US citizen

Total time start to finish: 5 years, 12 days (1,838 days)


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It's time to respect yourself and take care of you....Divorce and send him back...Then don't look back....Only you can be the Captain of your ship and steer your destiny....Do it and do it now

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What he is doing is emotional blackmailing and even emotional abuse. It doesn't matter if he's from another country, if he'd been American I doubt you would have put up with that right? I think deep down, you know what needs to be done. I know it is hard but I think it's time to cut him out of your life and find someone who appreciates you, loves you and respects you.

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How much of this behavior was already present before you got married or early on in your marriage? I find it hard to believe this is all brand new behavior.

"A million years if I could live,
A thousand lives if I could give,
I would spend it all again with you,
Don't forget where you belong,
Only with me you are strong,
Not even the gods above can break,
Baby what we have"

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Wombat, at this point one of the most sound financial decisions you can make is to say sweetly "Honey...I bought you a plane ticket today!" and send this fellow back home. He's a liability. Divorce and start to rebuild your credit and your life.

"Wherever you go, you take yourself with you." --Neil Gaiman

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