dawning

I think it's best if you speak for yourself.  While I myself am not really interested in practicing polyamory, I don't find consensual sex between adults in any number or combination immoral, and I think that saying "most people would say it's immoral" makes open discourse harder to have and pushes people who might be judged for being outside the norm further into the shadows.  Ten years ago many would have written that about a same-sex relationship, however we are now in a situation where a majority of the US population sees same sex relationships as just as valid as heterosexual ones.   
 
The other point that people sometimes miss is that polyamory isn't just about "what goes on in the bedroom".  As USCIS requirements show, a marriage or long-term relationship is much more than just sex.  I think the OP has a valid point in that if USCIS somehow finds out/knows that she is in a relationship with Adam at the same time as she is married to Steve they might argue that the relationship with Steve is just for immigration benefits, as the more dominant norm in the US is for people to see fidelity and the requirement of fidelity as an evidence of a bonafide relationship. I'm thinking maybe in some ways the question is not just "can I/do I have to hide my relationship to Adam" but also "If they find out will they assume we are not for genuine in our relationship?"  Which is understandable, as many people in polyamorous relationships have that experience with friends and family and casual acquaintances. Friends and family don't have the same power over us as USCIS officers, however.
 
Good luck OP.  If you do proceed perhaps you can come back and tell your experience so that others can learn from it.

Actually a some experts recommend one parent, one language, to force the child to compartmentalize and be able to express themselves, and not just understand, in both languages.   So while it's great for you to learn Spanish for a lot of reasons, including speaking to your in-laws, I don't think you should feel bad about using English with your daughter.
 

Actually, in many parts of the world it is within the realm of "normal" for young women to marry significantly older men WHEN the older men have financial resources that make them more than averagely desirable.  Not so common for a young attractive woman to marry a broke old man.  I have noticed this in my husband's home country of Venezuela, for example, and I am guessing the Philippines is similar. At the same time it is still considered suspicious and not genuine when a younger man is seemingly attracted to an older woman.  It seems to me that it has to do with men's historical value being as financial providers, and women's historical value being attractiveness and reproductive potential.  In the US and other western countries, as women have become more financially independent, our cultural distaste for marriages with a big age difference has increased, as evidenced by snide remarks about trophy wives.  But I would say that the older male/younger female is still consider a viable option in many parts of the world, and the opposite is often likewise considered highly suspicious. 
 
It DOES seem a little inconsistent though, that a young Filipina may be considered normal and genuine for valuing an older American man in part for the financial stability and opportunities he can provide her, and a young Moroccan man may be considered fraudulent and deceitful for valuing the same in an older American woman.  But both are consistent with local cultural norms.  And those norms are also influenced by biological possibilities for children, and by ideas about female "purity" (divorced women or those already having children maybe traditionally not desirable in some cultures, while this tends not to affect men's desirability).  So while imperfect, the overall biases do make sense. 
That doesn't mean that there can't be a genuine relationship between two people not within cultural norms.  But that they would have more scrutiny is normal.

I have to say it, even though I am SURE there will be backlash about it but whatever. I won't reply to it.
 
I think sometimes we forget that when we are talking about people's situations especially illegals, we are talking about other HUMANS. Family members. People that are very meaningful to others. We are all here on visajourney because somewhere along the way, we were separated from our loved ones so if anything, we should be understanding. It isn't easy. Do people make mistakes or poor decisions? Yes. Are they aware this was not a smart idea? Yes. But the OP's mother-in-law is still a person---a human being. And as far as we know, she isn't a murderer or did any type of dangerous criminal activity that hurts someone. Sometimes I feel like people act like those who crossed/overstayed did the WORST possible thing imaginable. 
 
We know immigration is a hot topic and there are millions of illegal immigrants who have crossed/overstayed  in the US. But each one is a person with a story, family, etc.  But when these people want to try to fix it and do the right thing, there are literally ZERO options. If this country created some type of path to citizenship, these people could come out of the woodwork and  also become taxpayers. We could reunite families the right way. 
 
For those of us who did it legally, that is great. We have nothing at all to worry about. I can sleep at night knowing my husband is not at risk for deportation and that is great. I'm glad we went the route we did and we were guided well. My husband was not in any type of oppressed situation and never once felt like he had to leave due to bad circumstances in his country. My husband's immigration status is not effected by anyone else. But it just drives me crazy when people who gained status through marrying in or whatever all of a sudden act like they are better and more deserving than anyone else. No, they were just lucky they met the right person. It is situational. 
 
OP, I do not know enough about the system to advise you on how to fix your mother-in-law's situation. But I just want to say that I feel for you and your family and wish you the best of luck! 

Some advice often shared on here that applies to your situation:  Keep your important documents, including immigration documents, evidence of your good faith marriage, and, if necessary, evidence of his mistreatment of you, in a safe location he does not have access to.  A safe deposit at a bank could be one example.  While ROC with a divorce is definitely possible, some people on here have struggled with providing enough evidence after having divorced an abusive spouse who kept or destroyed evidence. 
 
I understand that you want to work on your marriage, and no one here can tell you whether or not it is worthwhile.  But it could be wise to have a stash of evidence in case things don't work out, as he could get worse in his treatment of you.  Racist and derogatory language is already pretty bad.
 
Good luck!  Don't give up on your dreams.  If he doesn't want to come along for the great life you have planned for yourself then it's his loss, not yours.

Some advice often shared on here that applies to your situation:  Keep your important documents, including immigration documents, evidence of your good faith marriage, and, if necessary, evidence of his mistreatment of you, in a safe location he does not have access to.  A safe deposit at a bank could be one example.  While ROC with a divorce is definitely possible, some people on here have struggled with providing enough evidence after having divorced an abusive spouse who kept or destroyed evidence. 
 
I understand that you want to work on your marriage, and no one here can tell you whether or not it is worthwhile.  But it could be wise to have a stash of evidence in case things don't work out, as he could get worse in his treatment of you.  Racist and derogatory language is already pretty bad.
 
Good luck!  Don't give up on your dreams.  If he doesn't want to come along for the great life you have planned for yourself then it's his loss, not yours.

Some advice often shared on here that applies to your situation:  Keep your important documents, including immigration documents, evidence of your good faith marriage, and, if necessary, evidence of his mistreatment of you, in a safe location he does not have access to.  A safe deposit at a bank could be one example.  While ROC with a divorce is definitely possible, some people on here have struggled with providing enough evidence after having divorced an abusive spouse who kept or destroyed evidence. 
 
I understand that you want to work on your marriage, and no one here can tell you whether or not it is worthwhile.  But it could be wise to have a stash of evidence in case things don't work out, as he could get worse in his treatment of you.  Racist and derogatory language is already pretty bad.
 
Good luck!  Don't give up on your dreams.  If he doesn't want to come along for the great life you have planned for yourself then it's his loss, not yours.

It’s an easy mistake for ESL learners. Especially when their native language doesn’t depend on the pronoun to define the sex of the person.

Sounds like a difficult situation.  It could be she has fraudulent intent, in which case advice to pull the I-864 and send her home would be reasonable; but it could also be that she is just homesick and struggling with life here not being what she expected.  If not having children is a deal-breaker for her, perhaps you should divorce and help her get back to her country? 
Maybe some kind of counseling or mediation could help the two of you to be clearer about what each wants and what each is willing to do and not willing to do. 
Perhaps going back to the Philippines for a visit could help her to get clear in her own mind what she wants?  

Actually a some experts recommend one parent, one language, to force the child to compartmentalize and be able to express themselves, and not just understand, in both languages.   So while it's great for you to learn Spanish for a lot of reasons, including speaking to your in-laws, I don't think you should feel bad about using English with your daughter.
 

She wrote " He's told me if I speak to his family about anything he has done, he'll just throw me out and I'll end up getting deported. " 
 
Threatening a spouse is typically understood as abusive behavior.  She also writes about him being angry and giving her a hard time if she sees or calls people outside of the house, which fits with a pattern of controlling/abusive behavior.
 
I can't remember if there is also some specific language in the VAWA descriptions about using a victim's immigration status to threaten and control?
 

Thank you, I thought I remembered that language but wasn't sure.
 
I would say if she were a USC, and lived originally in the same city as her husband, their marriage would be borderline abusive.  But given that she immigrated and is entirely dependent on the husband and his family for support in the absence of AOS that would allow her to work, I would say that it is clearly abusive.
 
To the OP: I think it is clear that you DO qualify for VAWA, although the diminished conditions you have been living in since marriage may make showing a bona fide relationship difficult.  Someone else also mentioned a U Visa, which is for witnesses to crimes, due to the child pornography you have seen him possess.  You could also scrape up money to go home, which would be the easiest legally.  You have a lot of options to choose from.  Please don't give up.

Thank you, I thought I remembered that language but wasn't sure.
 
I would say if she were a USC, and lived originally in the same city as her husband, their marriage would be borderline abusive.  But given that she immigrated and is entirely dependent on the husband and his family for support in the absence of AOS that would allow her to work, I would say that it is clearly abusive.
 
To the OP: I think it is clear that you DO qualify for VAWA, although the diminished conditions you have been living in since marriage may make showing a bona fide relationship difficult.  Someone else also mentioned a U Visa, which is for witnesses to crimes, due to the child pornography you have seen him possess.  You could also scrape up money to go home, which would be the easiest legally.  You have a lot of options to choose from.  Please don't give up.

She wrote " He's told me if I speak to his family about anything he has done, he'll just throw me out and I'll end up getting deported. " 
 
Threatening a spouse is typically understood as abusive behavior.  She also writes about him being angry and giving her a hard time if she sees or calls people outside of the house, which fits with a pattern of controlling/abusive behavior.
 
I can't remember if there is also some specific language in the VAWA descriptions about using a victim's immigration status to threaten and control?
 

She wrote " He's told me if I speak to his family about anything he has done, he'll just throw me out and I'll end up getting deported. " 
 
Threatening a spouse is typically understood as abusive behavior.  She also writes about him being angry and giving her a hard time if she sees or calls people outside of the house, which fits with a pattern of controlling/abusive behavior.
 
I can't remember if there is also some specific language in the VAWA descriptions about using a victim's immigration status to threaten and control?
 

She wrote " He's told me if I speak to his family about anything he has done, he'll just throw me out and I'll end up getting deported. " 
 
Threatening a spouse is typically understood as abusive behavior.  She also writes about him being angry and giving her a hard time if she sees or calls people outside of the house, which fits with a pattern of controlling/abusive behavior.
 
I can't remember if there is also some specific language in the VAWA descriptions about using a victim's immigration status to threaten and control?
 

Actually I know some seniors with addiction issues.   It's a common belief that drugs are something that only the modern degenerate youth do, but that's not at all true across the board in my experience.
Age stereotyping is no more accurate than racial, gender or other forms of stereotyping.

Actually I know some seniors with addiction issues.   It's a common belief that drugs are something that only the modern degenerate youth do, but that's not at all true across the board in my experience.
Age stereotyping is no more accurate than racial, gender or other forms of stereotyping.

I think that there are far too many different scenarios under which a couple may need a cosponsor to make it a blanket rule.
 
Just off the top of my head-- there are young people/students who do not currently have a high salary but may soon (and yes, they could wait, but the reality of student visas etc makes that complicated); Americans who lose their jobs between immigration on K1 and time for AOS and a variety of scenarios (K1s, students etc) in which the beneficiary cannot yet work in the US but when they can, the household income will easily exceed the requirements. I wouldn't want them to factor in earning potential into a decision even though most of these scenarios are cleared up by the immigrant being able to work because that's not solid... it is potential, not fact. What IS solid is a co-sponsor signing the affidavit of support. 
 
All of the rest of it about stress on the relationship and how a family handles its finances (example: parents happily supporting a daughter and foreign son-in-law) really isn't the government's business so long as the government has made sure the foreigner won't be a burden on the welfare system. It could be a bad idea, or culturally odd but that's the couple's problem, not the government's.  I do personally think that people who can't get to 125% on their own really shouldn't be messing around with this process but I also think a lot of things about other people's finances and life choices. The question is really what the government should do, and cosponsors are really just a tool to help protect the taxpayer. Their relationship and finances are up to them. 

It's not just that divorces are hard to track; there are also a lot of stressful things about immigration aside from the wait times and uncertainty.  Moving to another country and acclimating is stressful.  (Of course it is more stressful for some individuals than others.)  Cross-cultural relationships do tend to have their own special set of challenges as well.  For some the real stress starts when the immigrant arrives, not during the wait.  Or it could  feel liketrading one stress for another. 
I do agree that it's simplistic to say that if a marriage doesn't survive, it's because the partners didn't love each other enough.  Almost as simplistic as blaming it on immigration processes.

It's not just that divorces are hard to track; there are also a lot of stressful things about immigration aside from the wait times and uncertainty.  Moving to another country and acclimating is stressful.  (Of course it is more stressful for some individuals than others.)  Cross-cultural relationships do tend to have their own special set of challenges as well.  For some the real stress starts when the immigrant arrives, not during the wait.  Or it could  feel liketrading one stress for another. 
I do agree that it's simplistic to say that if a marriage doesn't survive, it's because the partners didn't love each other enough.  Almost as simplistic as blaming it on immigration processes.

Just curious: why not try to go through the Dubai consulate if he is residing there?

Just curious: why not try to go through the Dubai consulate if he is residing there?

Just curious: why not try to go through the Dubai consulate if he is residing there?

Just curious: why not try to go through the Dubai consulate if he is residing there?