Newly married and already issues

[B_J 2,752]

7 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

Pushing her away or hitting her so she will get off me so I can drive safely is not abuse. 

I agree that you did nothing "wrong" or at least what you did is understandable.  However,  nobody is going to ask my opinion.  Again,  we all hope we're wrong but read what people are saying follow their advice. You are in a really bad situation and things are not in your control. 

Edited May 21, 2022 by B_J

[RO_AH 1,623]

9 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I'll buy tickets back to the Philippines for all three of them. 

She has to be willing to go.

[B_J 2,752]

8 hours ago, B_J said:

This is cool. We went from him only viewing his wife as a commodity that he's unhappy with to now she's an evil manipulator. 

 

Is there any chance their just two normal people in a bad situation who haven't figured out how to communicate with each other?

And, by the way,  I might have been just a little bit wrong on this one.

 

But, to be fair, I definitely think she's getting some help from her "friend".

[NoMansLand2020 298]

10 minutes ago, Crazy Cat said:

Good luck with that.  I doubt it will be that simple.  After all, she and her children gave up everything to join you in the US.  

She's already telling me she wants to go back.

[NoMansLand2020 298]

She's so wishy washy and back and forth about everything.  One minute it's she wants to get separated, the next it's she wants to go back to the Philippines... The next it's she wants a divorce and then she's saying she will give me a second chance. 

[Family 3,549]

2 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

Pushing her away or hitting her so she will get off me so I can drive safely is not abuse. 

Slow down and accept that she will NOT do what you say and you CANNOT send her back. The abuse  ( claim and yours and moms texts are already  sufficient for her to get the green card through VAWA)…even offering or buying tickets to send her back equals additional proof of abuse/ control. 
 

You are now in a position where the only control YOU have is on HOW you choose to react to being PUT ON NOTICE that she wants separation =divorce. 
 

Stop communication completely. File divorce. There is no need to address financial issues until they are addressed IN FAMILY COURT…stay focused . IF this is what she thinks is best for her and the children ( being away from the marital home, from YOU and has clearly stated she wants OUT…then accommodate) You may have the heartache of a lifetime but for now you only need to deal with a 2 month marriage in divorce court…BUT a lifetime necessary interaction with her as a future parent. 
 

 

[Carpe Vinum 2,311]

She may not actually like it here and want to go back. Starting over here with two small children and no family is not the easiest thing. I do try to put myself in her situation. Husband hits/pushes her then leaves her in the car in a strange place. Six weeks pregnant.  Maybe these church friends are the only people she felt any kind of cultural connection and safety with.  He does need to protect himself. That is just the way things have become here at the end of relationships. But let's not pretend OP is a victim. 

[RO_AH 1,623]

51 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

One minute it's she wants to get separated, the next it's she wants to go back to the Philippines... The next it's she wants a divorce and then she's saying she will give me a second chance.

Sounds like you are wasting your time in debate. You allow her to be wishy washy by engaging in it. You say to her simply this. I love you and I want you to be happy most of all. Make your choice and I will help you with your decision.1. You come home and we work it out. 2. You want to end things and we get divorce. 3. You fly back to the Philippines and we get divorced. Separation is off the table. Let me know what you decide and I will accept it and help you. Do not accept anything other than a decision. Do not discuss, debate, engage in any way. Her answer will dictate your next steps. But force an answer don't play games.

[Crazy Cat 39,575]

2 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

She's so wishy washy and back and forth about everything.  One minute it's she wants to get separated, the next it's she wants to go back to the Philippines... The next it's she wants a divorce and then she's saying she will give me a second chance. 

Well, the fact is that she has several options.  I sincerely hope you find a solution which is allows you all to find happiness in the future.  Good luck. 

 

Edited May 21, 2022 by Crazy Cat

[LexieJ 44]

This is really sad and disheartening situation,  from previous posts from OP this lady had so much red flags but the OP still decided to pursue with the  visa process and now he is stuck in this situation that could potentially land him in "criminal charges(DV)" and more mess in his hands. This is a BIG "WE TOLD YOU SO" type of situation. We hope that this resolves in his favor and will serve as a big lesson for him and others who will be in the same boat in the future, 

      As a Filipina myself people like this give us decent Pinays a bad name and reputation, I hope she does the right thing and just go home and resolve this with no further complications for her and the OP. 

[Lil bear 3,842]

11 minutes ago, LexieJ said:

This is really sad and disheartening situation,  from previous posts from OP this lady had so much red flags but the OP still decided to pursue with the  visa process and now he is stuck in this situation that could potentially land him in "criminal charges(DV)" and more mess in his hands. This is a BIG "WE TOLD YOU SO" type of situation. We hope that this resolves in his favor and will serve as a big lesson for him and others who will be in the same boat in the future, 

      As a Filipina myself people like this give us decent Pinays a bad name and reputation, I hope she does the right thing and just go home and resolve this with no further complications for her and the OP. 

Unfortunately we all have a tendency to think that it wont / cant happen to us .. that it happens to “ other “ people. Sadly not the case 

[Villanelle 4,121]

 

 

Concern A- immigration

As explained she can file for VAWA with what she has and be approved. There is nothing you can do about this.  She can choose to leave the US or she can stay. Heck she can even return home now and file for VAWA from overseas as long as she left due to the abuse and files with in 2yrs of a divorce being granted. 

 

So please get it out of your head that you have any power in her immigration process at this point and start focusing on what maybe you can influence the outcome of like Concern B- child custody and support/ divorce family court. 

 

Do you want your child to grow up overseas or do you want them in the US? Do you intend on having a relationship with the child? If so please understand that means having a relationship with the mother in some capacity.  It can be friendly or cold. It can be supervised through the courts strictly or it can be handled with mutual maturity. 

 

There are many posts on VJ from people who believe their ex's are intentionally exploiting 'the system' in a malicious way and they are helpless to stop it. Please consider if you want to join them (and which side would you be exactly)?

 

Concern C would be the criminal /civil justice system. This would be DV arrest and or RO. 

 

The standard of proof for each concern outlined above varies. You are in a difficult situation where the outcomes of the processes above are both independent and impacted by each other. I would suggest contacting a family law attorney asap preferably one familiar with fighting abuse allegations and if served with a RO obtaining proper representation for the hearing.

 

 

[Redro 4,601]

10 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

She feels some trust with my mother. And has opened up to her on several occasions. She told my mother yesterday that she would try to give me a second chance, but if I hit her again it would be over. 

 

I messaged my wife bcak in regards to her debit card being blocked. That we had no idea where or who she was with and that I did not want her to be taken advantage of. I told her that I was in the wrong for hitting her. That there should never be a reason to hit anyone and that it wouldn't happen again. I told her that I would immediately enroll in an anger management program so that I could learn how to deal with my frustrations in a controlled manner. 

 

She said she would forgive me if I acknowledged that I hit her other arm which I did and said again there was no excuse for my actions. And that as mentioned above it wouldn't happen again and that I would go to counseling. 

 

She asked how could she know it wouldn't happen again. I responded that I knew that I would lose the most important thing in my life which was my her and the kids. She didn't respond to that.  But responded this morning that she has decided to get a separation and that I need to turn on her debit card so she can pay rent and food as per her, I am responsible for that. 

 

I have yet to respond to this request. I think we both need to sit down and talk about things. Especially with the kids and baby on the way. Text messages don't resolve issues. 

@Villanelle and @Family am I correct in thinking him blocking her debit card can also be used in her VAWA case if she decides to go forward with one? 

 

She could submit the text messages as evidence of him admitting to physical abuse and she could maybe make a claim of financial abuse as he is controlling her access to money? 

 

Would it be wise for him to re-activate the card? 

[Family 3,549]

1 minute ago, ROK2USA said:

She could submit the text messages as evidence of him admitting to physical abuse and she could maybe make a claim of financial abuse as he is controlling her access to money? 

 

Would it be wise for him to re-activate the card? 

Activating debit card is not wise. He can choose to give her some money  ( through a friend / mediator/ attorney and by money order ) ….OR he can choose to file divorce and WAIT FOR THE COURT PROCEEDINGS to finalize…before he gives her any money at all. A two month marriage, no I-864 obligation ( if withdrawn) there will be no assets to split and only logistics of health insurance for pregnancy…

 

 

The VAWA claim is already established ( via texts and declaration from the friends housing her) so it makes no difference…but even if she files VAWA, it will not have a negative impact on him …other than a broken heart and the pain of a breakup.

 

He is in a tough spot…and she is certainly not having the best of time either , especially without the debit card…doubt she anticipated that. I would venture to guess she will “ forgive him” soon ( especially while under financial stress of caring for the children without money)….

[LexieJ 44]

4 minutes ago, Family said:

Activating debit card is not wise. He can choose to give her some money  ( through a friend / mediator/ attorney and by money order ) ….OR he can choose to file divorce and WAIT FOR THE COURT PROCEEDINGS to finalize…before he gives her any money at all. A two month marriage, no I-864 obligation ( if withdrawn) there will be no assets to split and only logistics of health insurance for pregnancy…

 

 

The VAWA claim is already established ( via texts and declaration from the friends housing her) so it makes no difference…but even if she files VAWA, it will not have a negative impact on him …other than a broken heart and the pain of a breakup.

 

He is in a tough spot…and she is certainly not having the best of time either , especially without the debit card…doubt she anticipated that. I would venture to guess she will “ forgive him” soon ( especially while under financial stress of caring for the children without money)….

Does immigration lawyers help petitioners in VAWA cases? Will he need Immigration lawyer or divorce/family lawyer for his situation? I feel for the OP (although he ignored all the red flags so partly he is to be blamed). Are VAWA cases easy to prove?