Am I being used for a green card?

[Trebaruna 0]

Hello all,



About a year ago, I started talking to this girl in Brazil from a dating website. It wasn't your "mail-order bride" type of site, but just a regular dating website. I made the first move. We hit it off pretty well. Although she's from a so-called developing country, she's from a fairly well-to-do family: her father is dentist, her mother a landlord. She's a physical therapist herself, and very well traveled for the record.

We Chatted and video-chatted non-stop for months, talking about everything. Finally, a few months ago we seriously started thinking about meeting in person.We finally opted and made arrangements to meet in Lisbon. After a few initial awkward moments, things went pretty well and there was some real chemistry between us. She even introduced me to one of her girlfriends living there.

After both being back home, we quickly stayed talking about seeing each other again quick, and about what to do to live nearby each other hypothetically. It might seem a little fast, but we're both in our late thirties and aren't exactly young anymore.

In spite of her being from a wealthy family and being the same age, the "being used" thing had always been in the back of my mind, and always have been looking out for red flags. She never really said anything that could sound like a red flag, but she's never made a mystery that she wouldn't mind leaving Brazil. She isn't necessarily keen on living in the US, but is inclined to Canada, the UK, Germany, and that kind of countries. She knows I have both US and UE citizenship. I mentioned moving to Lisbon to be together, both because it is something I am interested in and also to "test the waters". She replied "no" without a thought, and added that we wouldn't stay together if I moved there.

Her reaction got me concerned about her real intentions. What do you think?


Thanks for your feedback.

[Canerican 242]

Personally, if I was you, I would be talking about very important and serious topics. If you guys are thinking about marriage (CR-1) or pursuing the K-1 you need to get serious about where you are both at with the serious deal breaker topics. There was a recent poster on this site who got all up in arms when his wife decided that she did not want to have children or live in the same house that the mans mother purchased and now he wants to revoke her visa after it has been approved. So, that being said, I would discuss deal breaker topics with her to gauge where she is at and go from there. If there are deal breakers that you are not willing to compromise then you go your separate ways, if not then you can proceed to the next step. I would also have her answer the questions first as you do not want her parroting what you say since you think she may be using you. 

 

For me and my now wife, when we were pursuing the K-1 we discussed children. I stated that I would not mind having a few more children and she wanted children at the time. A few years into our marriage she stated that she did not want to have children and I was okay with that because it was not a deal breaker for me. 

 

Remember, once you marry her you deal with her flaws and all so get as much information as you can. For me, I would rather break it off in the beginning than get a few years into a marriage and then have to get a divorce cause that could be ugly and costly...Just my two cents. Hope this helps.  

[debbiedoo 2,339]

make more trips, TRULY get to know her. I think far too many people rush into this and have on rose coloured glasses and the reality hits hard once they move here and either were used for a GC or are simply incompatible.

[Russ&MaryAnn 110]

11 hours ago, Trebaruna said:

She replied "no" without a thought, and added that we wouldn't stay together if I moved there.

On the surface this does seem like a strange reaction to me. If I could make a living where my fiancée lives I would be there now and she’d love that. At one time I thought I had a remote job lined up and we were both excited about it. It would allow us to be together and still live near her family.

Maybe talk to her more about it to find out the reasons for her objection to it

[Trebaruna 0]

4 hours ago, Russ&MaryAnn said:

On the surface this does seem like a strange reaction to me. If I could make a living where my fiancée lives I would be there now and she’d love that. At one time I thought I had a remote job lined up and we were both excited about it. It would allow us to be together and still live near her family.

Maybe talk to her more about it to find out the reasons for her objection to it

Thank your feedback. I have to confess that, although I probably could secure more or less easily residency there,  I wouldn't want to live in Brazil. That said, not being thrilled about moving to a country with lower living and safety standards will always be more understandable than the other way around.

[TBoneTX 43,061]

Thread is moved from Off Topic to the General Immigration Discussion forum.

[igoyougoduke 1,605]

On 12/6/2019 at 5:57 PM, Trebaruna said:

Hello all,



About a year ago, I started talking to this girl in Brazil from a dating website. It wasn't your "mail-order bride" type of site, but just a regular dating website. I made the first move. We hit it off pretty well. Although she's from a so-called developing country, she's from a fairly well-to-do family: her father is dentist, her mother a landlord. She's a physical therapist herself, and very well traveled for the record.

We Chatted and video-chatted non-stop for months, talking about everything. Finally, a few months ago we seriously started thinking about meeting in person.We finally opted and made arrangements to meet in Lisbon. After a few initial awkward moments, things went pretty well and there was some real chemistry between us. She even introduced me to one of her girlfriends living there.

 

After both being back home, we quickly stayed talking about seeing each other again quick, and about what to do to live nearby each other hypothetically. It might seem a little fast, but we're both in our late thirties and aren't exactly young anymore.

In spite of her being from a wealthy family and being the same age, the "being used" thing had always been in the back of my mind, and always have been looking out for red flags. She never really said anything that could sound like a red flag, but she's never made a mystery that she wouldn't mind leaving Brazil. She isn't necessarily keen on living in the US, but is inclined to Canada, the UK, Germany, and that kind of countries. She knows I have both US and UE citizenship. I mentioned moving to Lisbon to be together, both because it is something I am interested in and also to "test the waters". She replied "no" without a thought, and added that we wouldn't stay together if I moved there.

Her reaction got me concerned about her real intentions. What do you think?


Thanks for your feedback.

Yeah you are being used. She has her interests ahead of yours.  So red flag

[ToryKendall 0]

Your scenario, so familiar to me! I was under the same scheme from this (removed) service. It's the pure "mail-order-bride" mechanism that she used on me. How on earth a woman from other part of the world can be so manipulative in the same way?

Edited December 25, 2019 by Unlockable

[Unlockable 7,306]

*** One post edited to remove unauthorized external link.

 

VJ Moderation 

[NikLR 13,220]

Maybe she just doesn't want to live there. 

As mentioned, if you're serious, start having serious conversations. 

[SusieQQQ 11,584]

Might also be worth a visit to meet her in Brazil to see if her home situation is actually what she claims it, too. You don’t trust her motives fully right now - seeing how she responds to an offer to visit her at home (which almost anyone would naturally welcome) would be additional insight.

[Quarknase 1,072]

I don't think you're being used for a greencard per se if she doesn't want to move to the US.

Did you each pay for your own travels to Lisboa?

If you are exploring third countries for living, would be interesting to understand why she believes your relationship wouldn't last in Lisbon - have you asked her about that? If not maybe start increasing the depth of conversations to really get to know each other. If my spouse would tell me such a big thing, he would also tell me why he believes this to be true.

You should definitely visit her at home and confirm the situation described is true. You could also offer moving to Brazil simply to catch her reaction.

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

even if she is not, can you overcome your trust issues