How do people cope

[suhridkhan 28]

My job does't allow me to take off more than once per year, and it's only for 3 weeks at a time.

This life alone is making me depressed most of the time.

[Jeanne Adil 1,651]

Every VJ member understands your frustration  

we all go thru it

I think when we start we have no idea of the cost/no idea of the wait time

USCIS site only says need to meet the person to apply for a K1

I do read all the State department warnings but none said you can be denied for age, or religion or sex

my total wait was 6 years and i have not actually added it up but i spent at least $35,000

 

btw   are you aware he will need the criminal reports from both countries for the interview?

 

Edited February 13, 2019 by adil-rafa

[Bengoj 133]

2 minutes ago, Apple Bee said:

Yeah I get depressed too when I leave. I've been back home for 2 weeks and I'm still trying to get back into my regular routine.  I wish I could go stay with him in Morocco until he gets the visa but I need my stupid job....I'm not waiting for an interview yet we're still waiting for a case number. An interview for him is still probably 3-5 months away...

Omg I feel the same way. I just got back from turkey on Jan 24 and I’m still in the twilight zone from being back😩😩 I think selling everything and moving also until his visa is approved but just like you, I need this stupid job. I’m looking at hopefully the end of the year that he should be here. I’ll be visiting him in May again and counting the days. The wait is killing me. 

[Bengoj 133]

1 minute ago, adil-rafa said:

Every VJ member understands your frustration  

we all go thru it

I think when we start we have no idea of the cost/no idea of the wait time

USCIS site only says need to meet the person to apply for a K1

I do read all the State department warnings but none said you can be denied for age, or religion or sex

my total wait was 6 years and i have not actually added it up but i spent at least $35,000

 

btw   are you aware he will need the criminal reports from both countries for the interview?

 

Yes I am aware. Trust me I’m on top of it. My PD is 10/9 so we have some time. I’ve spent soo much money to. Traveling to the other side of the world is not cheap. I just left Turkey Jan 24 and going back May. The wait is so long

[Tishy Wishy 18]

Last year we saw each other every 2-3 months because of his job. This year because we're trying to make sure he has met the 2 year residency clause from his old J1 visa, so we might not see each other for 5 months, maybe longer. It's a bit heartbreaking but we're also used to the ebbs and flows of a long distance relationship.

[EandH0904 1,184]

I have found that when you don't have a choice in life, things are easier to accept. 

 

I've been an RN for 17 years....most in the Emergency Department. People think they can't possibly handle their loved one's cancer diagnosis or CSR accident or miscarriage or the hundreds of horrible things I've seen....but you get by. It becomes a new normal.  

 

My husband and I had a 2.5 year journey after an unapproved K1 and then marriage and the CR1 process.  Many times we felt the hopelessness but you just live your life and adjust. He finally got here last week and now we are going through this adjustment and a new normal again. 

 

You will get by. Time helps. Keeping busy helps. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

When I was going through this whole process with my now wife I was visiting every 3 or 4 months as well which I loved. I was able to learn more about my wife just being around her in her family's home and seeing how she is around friends/family. 

[Bengoj 133]

Just now, Cyberfx1024 said:

When I was going through this whole process with my now wife I was visiting every 3 or 4 months as well which I loved. I was able to learn more about my wife just being around her in her family's home and seeing how she is around friends/family. 

Yes I actually love traveling to see my husband. The leaving part is the worst

[Bengoj 133]

4 minutes ago, EandH0904 said:

I have found that when you don't have a choice in life, things are easier to accept. 

 

I've been an RN for 17 years....most in the Emergency Department. People think they can't possibly handle their loved one's cancer diagnosis or CSR accident or miscarriage or the hundreds of horrible things I've seen....but you get by. It becomes a new normal.  

 

My husband and I had a 2.5 year journey after an unapproved K1 and then marriage and the CR1 process.  Many times we felt the hopelessness but you just live your life and adjust. He finally got here last week and now we are going through this adjustment and a new normal again. 

 

You will get by. Time helps. Keeping busy helps. 

Congratulations. I wish y’all a happy life❤️

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

4 minutes ago, Gojo said:

Yes I actually love traveling to see my husband. The leaving part is the worst

I completely agree as well. I love traveling so much and it kind of sucks now that we have a family with kids(I know it sucks to say) so everything is more expensive now when we travel. 

Edited February 13, 2019 by Cyberfx1024

[Banana9ieue 26]

21 minutes ago, EandH0904 said:

I have found that when you don't have a choice in life, things are easier to accept. 

 

I've been an RN for 17 years....most in the Emergency Department. People think they can't possibly handle their loved one's cancer diagnosis or CSR accident or miscarriage or the hundreds of horrible things I've seen....but you get by. It becomes a new normal.  

 

My husband and I had a 2.5 year journey after an unapproved K1 and then marriage and the CR1 process.  Many times we felt the hopelessness but you just live your life and adjust. He finally got here last week and now we are going through this adjustment and a new normal again. 

 

You will get by. Time helps. Keeping busy helps. 

Do you mind me asking what got you refused a K1 visa? How soon after the denial did you apply for a CR1 visa?

[EandH0904 1,184]

 

1 minute ago, Ella and James said:

Do you mind me asking what got you refused a K1 visa? How soon after the denial did you apply for a CR1 visa?

It wasn't refused. We just got put in AP and it expired.  So not denied, not approved.  We got married 9 months later (3 more visits) a d did CR1

[NinaLu 38]

This topic hits just so close to home that I had to reply. "Manage" is a big word and the distance is brutal.

My fiance and I saw each other last June for 2 weeks and that was it. Our circumstances make it so he cannot take off more than 2 weeks a year and I do not qualify for a tourist visa. The process has been long and absolutely excruciating, now we are finally at the stage where the case has reached the embassy, only for me to realize I am missing a very important document (certificate that shows I am unmarried) and the wait for that is 1 month to 1.5 months. It's the very end of the journey yet another month sounds like an impossible stretch by now.

But there is nothing that can really be done. As hard as it is, time is still passing even when it feels like it does not. Not obsessing over the time left helps a lot, although it is a hard thing to do. There is a limit to what video calls and daily texts can do as well, but in the end you just have to grit your teeth and try to distract yourself.

This is actually why some relationships fail in this stage. The time away and the distance can affect you a lot: you may physically miss important events in each other's life, you may miss special occasions due to mismatched schedule (e.g. Valentine's coming up tomorrow) and overall you will not have someone to hug when it all gets hard or when you are bursting with happiness. That's horrible, but it is temporary. It is a couple months versus you being able to spend the rest of your lives together. A tough process but a bargain in disguise. All of us going through this and putting up with the pain are quite lucky. We believe we have found someone special, so special that we plan to share every part of the future together. Some people never manage to find anyone that they connect with in such way for the entirety of their lives. So in my opinion, it's totally worth it.

Perhaps I am a romantic and I have an overly positive mindset. But perhaps a little bit of that is required in order to put up with the loneliness. With that in mind, for my fiance and I, our next meeting is once this process is over with. It could be April, it could be May. Either way, I am saving up feeling for the biggest, most emotional hug in the world and I foresee we will both sob our eyes out at the airport haha.

Good luck to everyone and hang in there.

Edited February 13, 2019 by NinaLu

[Love To Teach 161]

1 hour ago, Gojo said:

I know. I fall into depression whenever I leave him. Was just wondering how other people were doing it. I see him every 3 months. Just came back from Turkey end of January and going again in May and again around interview time. Last year I visited him 4 times. It’s too much😢😢  At least your just waiting for interview. My pd is 10/9/18. Still got a long way to go. 

I've known my husband eight years, went to first visit him after knowing him 1.5 years. I am getting ready to make my 11th visit. I think the longest time we have been apart is 9 months. I'm a teacher, so I have to go on our breaks. I'm not going into the details of what happened at his interview nearly 3 years ago now. You can read it in my posts. Heck yeah, it's horrible. And the fact that he may never get here stinks. Plus I am 67 and feel that I don't have all that long left, even if he gets here. It is VERY depressing. In Dubai, he works the opposite shift from me at the Marriott and is not allowed to be on his phone during work. (People here would die if that happened to them.) So we get to talk maybe 5 minutes a day as we pass each other going to work. We have spent a fortune to be together, probably enough to buy at least one brand new car, probably more like 2. UAE has most chat face-to-face sites blocked, or our reception is not good. Sometimes we get really depressed, but we have decided we won't ever give up, no matter what the CO's say and do to us. So much time has passed, I wasn't even 60 when we met. Now I feel like I am on a downward roller coaster heading to the end. I do have some health issues, and probably could not move permanently away from my doctors, etc., and I have other obligations here right now. We have basically decided if I have to go back and forth until one of us dies, that's the way it will be. I try not to expect anything, then you're not as disappointed. IF and WHEN he gets another interview, we will see what happens and if that changes anything in our lives. All I know is, God knows the truth about his interview and our relationship, so that's all that matters. I suppose many would have given up by now, but we're in it until the end of the line.

Edited February 13, 2019 by Love To Teach

[Bengoj 133]

8 minutes ago, Love To Teach said:

I've known my husband eight years, went to first visit him after knowing him 1.5 years. I am getting ready to make my 11th visit. I think the longest time we have been apart is 9 months. I'm a teacher, so I have to go on our breaks. I'm not going into the details of what happened at his interview nearly 3 years ago now. You can read it in my posts. Heck yeah, it's horrible. And the fact that he may never get here stinks. Plus I am 67 and feel that I don't have all that long left, even if he gets here. It is VERY depressing. In Dubai, he works the opposite shift from me at the Marriott and is not allowed to be on his phone during work. (People here would die if that happened to them.) So we get to talk maybe 5 minutes a day as we pass each other going to work. We have spent a fortune to be together, probably enough to buy at least one brand new car, probably more like 2. UAE has most chat face-to-face sites blocked, or our reception is not good. Sometimes we get really depressed, but we have decided we won't ever give up, no matter what the CO's say and do to us. So much time has passed, I wasn't even 60 when we met. Now I feel like I am on a downward roller coaster heading to the end. I do have some health issues, and probably could not move permanently away from my doctors, etc., and I have other obligations here right now. We have basically decided if I have to go back and forth until one of us dies, that's the way it will be. I try not to expect anything, then you're not as disappointed. IF and WHEN he gets another interview, we will see what happens and if that changes anything in our lives. All I know is, God knows the truth about his interview and our relationship, so that's all that matters. I suppose many would have given up by now, but we're in it until the end of the line.

I’m so sorry to hear that. I pray that everything works out in your favor. It’s never too late or too old to be with someone you love. It will work out. Or just move over where he is.