Happy Couple turned to Unhappy

[Ambster 0]

My husband and I dated for over a year before we were married 75% of it was spent apart waiting on the visa. We were very happy and spoke all the time and had a healthy relationship. When he finally was approved and moved here things fell off. He told me that he was homesick 2 days after being here. I didn't understand it. He had been here the whole summer and spent plenty of time here, he knew what he was getting into. He finally got approved to work and started making friends and joined a football team. But our marriage is falling apart. We barely speak. We barely know each other. When we do talk its fighting. He started texting another woman, denies a relationship with her says they are just friends. I'm unsure what to believe but it is tearing me up inside. He told me if things do not start changing between us, we will not last. I agree. I told him if things do not work out, he has to go home. He got mad at me because he wants to stay here!!!

What should I do?

Is there anyone out there that feels the same?

Please help me.

[Darnell 8,478]

was he born in the UK, or elsewhere?

[Kathryn41 3,205]

The first year of any marriage is always a tough one. The first year of a marriage where the couple has been focused on dealing with long distance and immigration issues can be even tougher as you no longer have that unifying focus and have to start developing the closer relationship based upon other issues. All relationships evolve - some bringing the couple closer together and some, unfortunately, moving them apart, whether they are from a long distance relationship or with the boy/girl next door.

Homesickness is a big issue. There is a finality about knowing you no longer have a home back 'home' and you are suddenly faced with a transition to a new life. Even if you have been in the US for a while as a visitor, there is still that unexpected sense of loss which creates a huge wave of homesickness. For some people it happens fairly early on; for others it may even take a year or two to sink in.

I honestly think the best thing the two of you can do at this stage is to find a marriage counselor with whom you can meet and discuss some of the issues that are coming between the two of you. You both need to find a way to discuss your differing expectations of each other, the relationship and even of ourselves in the relationship. A good marriage can be hard work - it doesn't just happen - and sometimes a knowledgeable marriage counselor is the best way to learn what works best for your unique relationship.

Good luck. While there are immigration implications with your situation, t think the real focus should be on the relationship itself, and not on immigration at this point of time..

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

Sorry you're going through this.

A few thoughts. I don't believe someone can really "know what they are getting into" when they move somewhere, no mater how much they have visited. When you visit, you get an idea of the people, the food, but you know the stay is temporary, so you have some armor. Once you move there for good, it's much more scary. There is a whole world that opens up that a visitor never sees. You might not know how to get a job (different things employers look for), or how to pay the bills, or how to drive, or how to socialize, negotiate, when/how to call the cops in an emergency. I could go on and on - these little things add up to a feeling of helplessness. It's very normal to be homesick, and it's critical for YOU to be patient and understanding. If my husband expresses homesickness, I try to say "I know" and acknowledge his feelings and tell him how grateful I am that he moved here for me. I let him have his feelings. Even if you don't personally understand it, you should be kind and patient. Remember, he moved his whole world for you.

It's very harmful to hold his immigration status over his head and tell him if the relationship ends he has to go home. You should treat him as an equal, and leave the immigration out of it when fighting. I would be livid if someone told me "if it ends you have to go home." You don't dictate where he lives. Especially if he is a GreenCard holder, he is allowed to stay here.

It's hard to take the excitement of anticipation and turn it into an authentic, in-person relationship.

It seems like he wants counseling - I think it's a good idea.

Edited February 14, 2012 by Harpa Timsah

[skiptex 225]

Sorry you're going through this.

It seems like he wants counseling - I think it's a good idea.

[kytwell 179]

I guess I'll be the bad guy and give a reality dosage. To me it sounds like he's starting to adjust well to things here, he got a job, joined a club and is making new friends. He can't be too homesick if he doesn't want to go back. It's been conveyed to me via this section of the forum that it's perfectly normal for a female to have many male friends, but when the shoe is on the other foot and it's the guy with even just 1 female friend he is most likely to be up to no good. Not sure which side of the fence you are on, with this.

Try the counseling thing if you can't have a normal conversation with out fighting. I think counseling may be able to work in some rare instances, but in many it is just a precursor or a brief delay to the inevitable break-up. I don't think there's much you can do to prevent him from staying here(except prove fraud) if it doesn't work out.

In the meantime, you could try sending him off to work with a smile every morning with some bedroom olympics, a good breakfast and a home packed lunch. Then send flirty texts throughout the day and finally prepare him a great dinner and to cap the evening off, try and drive him through the bed again before saying goodnight. Go to some of his club games, surprise him at work with an extra snack, etc, etc. If he's not interested in any of this, then you'll have to come to the logical conclusion that he's just not that into you. Life is way too short to spend too much of it(meaning 6 or more months, not a couple of weeks) unhappy, trying to repair something that is not repairable. Good luck to you!

Edited February 14, 2012 by kytwell

[VanessaTony 3,567]

My husband and I dated for over a year before we were married 75% of it was spent apart waiting on the visa. We were very happy and spoke all the time and had a healthy relationship. When he finally was approved and moved here things fell off. He told me that he was homesick 2 days after being here. I didn't understand it. He had been here the whole summer and spent plenty of time here, he knew what he was getting into. He finally got approved to work and started making friends and joined a football team. But our marriage is falling apart. We barely speak. We barely know each other. When we do talk its fighting. He started texting another woman, denies a relationship with her says they are just friends. I'm unsure what to believe but it is tearing me up inside. He told me if things do not start changing between us, we will not last. I agree. I told him if things do not work out, he has to go home. He got mad at me because he wants to stay here!!!

What should I do?

Is there anyone out there that feels the same?

Please help me.

Ignoring immigration - yes I have felt the same. Tony and I are totally fine, i'm referring to my ex. We dated for almost 3 years. The first 1 1/2 - 2 years we lived in separate places. When we moved in together THAT was the end of our relationship. Living apart was totally different. When we saw each other we were on "good" behaviour, or as it turned out HE was. Once we moved in together all his little behaviours started to come out. He wanted me to be his mother basically. He wouldn't do anything all day (he had finished school and was waiting for grad school to start) and i'd come home from a full day at work to have to clean, get the mail, do the bins etc etc. He was just LAZY. That is why I strong advise anyone who thinks their relationship is "great" to first move in together, that's the real relationship test.

When you involve immigration you have to take the plunge and decide to help them immigrate in order to be together. You can't hold his status against him (it's against the rules actually) and of course he doesn't like it. He's trying to make his life here and you're challenging that security. You wouldn't like it if he said the same to you if you had moved to the UK and were starting to make your life there.

If your relationship doesn't work it's easy to be upset and want him to go "home", return to how things were before you "brought him here" but unless you think he married you for fake reasons, and unless you think he used you to immigrate here and you have PROOF there's nothing you can do. I'm sorry your relationship isn't working but it might not have even if immigration wasn't an issue so again, unless you have proof it's just another break-up.

[rlogan 2,036]

He can't be too homesick if he doesn't want to go back.

Exactly. He isn't homesick.

I'll respectfully disagree with some of the decent posters that have given the benefit of the doubt on homesickness. Were it true, their statements about it would be accurate. But I don't believe it. Counseling only helps if he is honest in the counseling sessions, and if his intentions are bad then he'll just lie. But the one thing counseling will do is put an impartial referee in there to help prevent a lot of the manipulative behavior.

Think carefully about any red flags you saw up to this point. Was there anything that gave you a gut feeling something was wrong and it was explained away? I'd want to know what is in those text messages to the girl too. If she's "just a friend" then there isn't any need whatsoever to conceal what is in those messages.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

Wow, this sounds like how things were for Glyn and I when we first got here in the states and we had been married and living together in the UK already for awhile. To those of you who say he isn't homesick...BS....unless you have been through it yourself, you don't understand. Luckily I had been through it already when Glyn went through it here. You can make friends and have a life and still be terribly homesick.

The thing with the woman he's texting, if it makes you uncomfortable...talk to him. Talk, no accusations no screaming. They may just be friends, but it you're having issues in the relationship, its honestly not the best time for him to be having close female friends as its too easy to get what he needs emotionally from this friend.

Someone suggested counseling and I agree completely. The strain the immigration process puts on us all is crazy. Add to that the dream of finally being together forever not measuring up to the reality of day to day living is quite a shock. Then for the person that moved....everything is different and nothing is really home yet. Its terribly hard and I am sure most if not all of us go through these issues when we are finally together.

Good luck and keep trying. Remember the love you felt for this man when you married him and try you're hardest to bring it all back.

[missmissy 38]

I moved to Sweden for a year to be with Lars and I can tell you from personal experience - being homesick is just about the worst feeling ever. We got through it. To everyone on this board that has left their entire life to come here to be with someone, you are my hero. It was the hardest thing I ever did and I have so much admiration for the strength it must take to stay here and work through it. I was lucky, I got to come home and he still wanted to come home with me!

Lars has periods of homesickness and it has led to some strange behavior on his part, but we work through it and staying busy does help. So does talking about it. He had a lot of patience with me when I was in Sweden and I have to remind myself of that sometimes.

[JnB 6]

I just want to say that by reading everyone's post, I kinda learn a lot. Weighing what everyone has to say, it gives you some sense of wisdom. It's like the "that make sense" moment. . Although I dont have the same experience as the OP, but it can shed some light to other readers. So I just want to say thanks for everyone taking their time w/ their opinion and experiences.

[dukeandduchess 141]

I think some patience and compassion would help you a lot. There is a huge difference between visiting and moving. I am already freaking out about starting my new life in California, even though it's not hugely different from Canada. Giving up your job, friends, and security will definitely make someone homesick and depressed. Things should get easier as he makes his new life. It sounds like he was miserable missing his home/work/friends but has made an effort to establish a new life here and it doesn't sound like you're making yourself involved in it. I definitely think counseling will help. Try and become involved in his life by going out with his friends or going to a place he likes. I hope things work out for you two.

[san diego 407]

I completely agree with Kathryn. This is adjusting.

[dukeandduchess 141]

Exactly. He isn't homesick.

I'll respectfully disagree with some of the decent posters that have given the benefit of the doubt on homesickness. Were it true, their statements about it would be accurate. But I don't believe it. Counseling only helps if he is honest in the counseling sessions, and if his intentions are bad then he'll just lie. But the one thing counseling will do is put an impartial referee in there to help prevent a lot of the manipulative behavior.

Think carefully about any red flags you saw up to this point. Was there anything that gave you a gut feeling something was wrong and it was explained away? I'd want to know what is in those text messages to the girl too. If she's "just a friend" then there isn't any need whatsoever to conceal what is in those messages.

Sorry, but I disagree. Although it is a possibility, it sounds more like he is adjusting to a new life. If I gave up my job/friends/family and moved across the world and then worked really hard to reestablish my life by getting a new job and friends I don't think I would give it up so easily. It's really hard to transplant yourself into a foreign country and it's hard to just abandon a job you bust your butt at.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do is quit my job to move to the US. Why? I worked really hard to make my store the best selling store in my province and one of the top stores in Western Canada. I put most of my time into making the store a success, building friendships and loyalty from my customers, and training my staff to do the same in my absence. When I quit, my company decided to hand the store off to a new person who I believe will not have the same success. I take pride in my work and it's very hard to give that up. If my marriage doesn't work out (which I doubt) and I have another successful career I don't think I would give it up so easily and return home unless I had very strong reasons for doing so.

Just an example.

[Laser1 63]

It sounds like he has been busy since the day he has arrived. This might sound cliché, but it looks like you two need to "unplug", to take a vacation. Maybe a camping trip, with no internet access or cell-phones.