Happy Couple turned to Unhappy

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

I agree with what most people have said here. My husband and I lived in Scotland for 2 years together and we went through an adjustment period when we moved here. I have a life, a job, classes (college, exercise, art) but I am still a little bit homesick. It was hard when I first arrived and couldn't work and my husband worked hard to make it easier for me. Even suggesting that he should go back home is unacceptable. If I were you I'd apologize for that remark, it's rude.

This is the risk people take when they marry someone they don't know that well. But it seems like he wants to work on it, and you do too. And isn't that what makes a string marriage? Get some counselling. Admit to him that you don't know how to help him and you are finding it hard too. Also, tell him that your experience is a normal one and others go through it too.

Best of luck!

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Exactly. He isn't homesick.

I'll respectfully disagree with some of the decent posters that have given the benefit of the doubt on homesickness. Were it true, their statements about it would be accurate. But I don't believe it. Counseling only helps if he is honest in the counseling sessions, and if his intentions are bad then he'll just lie. But the one thing counseling will do is put an impartial referee in there to help prevent a lot of the manipulative behavior.

Think carefully about any red flags you saw up to this point. Was there anything that gave you a gut feeling something was wrong and it was explained away? I'd want to know what is in those text messages to the girl too. If she's "just a friend" then there isn't any need whatsoever to conceal what is in those messages.

She didn't say he still was homesick. She said he WAS after 2 days and now he's making a life and they barely speak and when they do it's to argue. He's unlikely to be still homesick because he now wants to stay so the "WAS homesick" isn't really relevant any more but might explain his anger toward her. Maybe she wasn't supportive enough of his feelings at the time and got the support elsewhere. Maybe he doesn't like being dependant on her.

[favored 31]

screw dat.. i think most of these replies are from beneficiaries.. i mean i understand homesick, but dang, it shouldnt be a reason or excuse.. im a guy and a petitioner.. shld a petitioner be future sick? cuz i knw hw much of one's future gets put on hold while goin thru visa process.. as a matter of fact a beneficiary continues their life in their country until they get visa meanwhile a petitioners future is on hold right from NOA1.. and flirting wit a girl is not a sign of missin home.. unless dats wat he was doin then... yah, dnt hld da GC over his head.. but dnt settle for hmesick each time.. both couples nd to knw sacrifices comes from both sides.. otherwise, why da heck do couples tell each other "i will be with u no matter where and how".. luk for signs..okay, marriages are difficult but distrust is sign of danger.

[sejr 2]

I guess I'll be the bad guy and give a reality dosage. To me it sounds like he's starting to adjust well to things here, he got a job, joined a club and is making new friends. He can't be too homesick if he doesn't want to go back. It's been conveyed to me via this section of the forum that it's perfectly normal for a female to have many male friends, but when the shoe is on the other foot and it's the guy with even just 1 female friend he is most likely to be up to no good. Not sure which side of the fence you are on, with this.

Try the counseling thing if you can't have a normal conversation with out fighting. I think counseling may be able to work in some rare instances, but in many it is just a precursor or a brief delay to the inevitable break-up. I don't think there's much you can do to prevent him from staying here(except prove fraud) if it doesn't work out.

In the meantime, you could try sending him off to work with a smile every morning with some bedroom olympics, a good breakfast and a home packed lunch. Then send flirty texts throughout the day and finally prepare him a great dinner and to cap the evening off, try and drive him through the bed again before saying goodnight. Go to some of his club games, surprise him at work with an extra snack, etc, etc. If he's not interested in any of this, then you'll have to come to the logical conclusion that he's just not that into you. Life is way too short to spend too much of it(meaning 6 or more months, not a couple of weeks) unhappy, trying to repair something that is not repairable. Good luck to you!

Wow, well said. I am feeling this response. Normally if you put those moves on a guy and he genuinely had feelings for you before, it works. He's like wow she is not trying to start a fight and be the devil, i think I love my wife let me try to make it work. But the other side of is, we females have egos too, we may feel like why should we have to make up all the time, why do we have to go the extra mile, but guess what when both of you are stubborun, normally the guy wins, so I just give it up because their prides and ego can blind them sometimes. Good luck with your relationship, I hope it works.

[HRHRHRHR 0]

Him being shady or sneaky and you catching him texting another women is a bad sign. First off, who is this women a friend someone he met randomly. Call her and find out.. is what I would do. Try to get down to business and find out everything so you dont waste anytime. This immigration process is a true nightmare in the begining which I am dealing with too. I guess only the strongest of relationships and true love will survive and go on. To me a soulmate is one who will be there no matter what. If a person is not meant to be with you or love you it will come through and it is important not to hang on if you really really know something is not right. The purpose of our life is to try to obtain hapiness and PEACE right?

[rozi 0]

It sounds like he has been busy since the day he has arrived. This might sound cliché, but it looks like you two need to "unplug", to take a vacation. Maybe a camping trip, with no internet access or cell-phones.

i think i agree with it.. dont worry everything will be just fine..

[rlogan 2,036]

Sorry, but I disagree. Although it is a possibility, it sounds more like he is adjusting to a new life. If I gave up my job/friends/family and moved across the world and then worked really hard to reestablish my life by getting a new job and friends I don't think I would give it up so easily. It's really hard to transplant yourself into a foreign country and it's hard to just abandon a job you bust your butt at.

One of the hardest things I have ever had to do is quit my job to move to the US. Why? I worked really hard to make my store the best selling store in my province and one of the top stores in Western Canada. I put most of my time into making the store a success, building friendships and loyalty from my customers, and training my staff to do the same in my absence. When I quit, my company decided to hand the store off to a new person who I believe will not have the same success. I take pride in my work and it's very hard to give that up. If my marriage doesn't work out (which I doubt) and I have another successful career I don't think I would give it up so easily and return home unless I had very strong reasons for doing so.

Just an example.

Right - a perfect example of wanting validation of your personal sacrifice. Happy to give you that: you gave up a lot. You are also talented. I noticed you gave no empathy to the OP regarding the potential infidelity and said nothing about your spouse improving your life, or what your spouse sacrificed: It's all about me, me, me.

Vanessa&Tony - That's a pretty important question, and one I considered: did she cause resentment by not showing empathy for the depression that often follows an immigrant (lethargy, fatigue, sadness, feelings of worthlessness, irritability, etc.)? Your suggestion is that resentment drove him into the arms of another. But that isn't the right thing for a committed husband to do. That's why I asked about other red flags.

All of us make assumptions or give the benefit of the doubt one way or the other. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Others are blaming her instead. With more information either of us might change our position.

[dukeandduchess 141]

Right - a perfect example of wanting validation of your personal sacrifice. Happy to give you that: you gave up a lot. You are also talented. I noticed you gave no empathy to the OP regarding the potential infidelity and said nothing about your spouse improving your life, or what your spouse sacrificed: It's all about me, me, me.

All of us make assumptions or give the benefit of the doubt one way or the other. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Others are blaming her instead. With more information either of us might change our position.

No, I don't need any validation. I know I made the right decision and I would be happy to do it again. It is a difficult decision and it was difficult to do. I do feel bad for the OP's situation, but KNOWING how it feels to move, I am giving my perspective on the situation. She doesn't seem to have a clue why her husband may feel or act the way he is. However, it makes perfect sense to me given that he has just made a life-altering change.

Where did I say anything about my fiance not sacrificing anything? I know that my fiance has sacrificed things and will continue to sacrifice things in order to make things work. However, my fiance has NEVER and would NEVER lack compassion or understanding for my situation. We have good communication and discuss what we are feeling with each other. If I complained about being homesick after 2 days I don't think my fiance would throw his hands up in the air and say "I don't understand" and get pissed off and tell me to go home if I didn't like it. Sorry but that's not very patient or understanding, which is why I advised the OP to try talking/counseling and getting involved.

Sorry you don't like my answer but unless you are put in my situation you never will. Just like I will never completely understand the sacrifices my fiance has made to have me there. Just glad I didn't decide to marry someone who lacks the empathy and love that one would expect from any spouse.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Vanessa&Tony - That's a pretty important question, and one I considered: did she cause resentment by not showing empathy for the depression that often follows an immigrant (lethargy, fatigue, sadness, feelings of worthlessness, irritability, etc.)? Your suggestion is that resentment drove him into the arms of another. But that isn't the right thing for a committed husband to do. That's why I asked about other red flags.

Don't get me wrong - he's a d*ck if he IS cheating on her and no excuse makes that okay. If you don't want to be together don't be together, don't insult the person you said you loved by running around behind their back. It's mean.

She said:

- he's texting a girl and she's suspicious, she doesn't KNOW anything is going on and there's no proof. So we can't really say he's a cheater but we can give advice to TALK to him, or to her and find out;

- he said he was homesick 2 days after arriving. This doesn't really matter as part of the story and feels like she's trying to validates her telling him that he HAD to "go home" if they broke up

- if they broke up he needed to go home and he got ticked off. This implies he either is doing better here, or he was just resentful that she tried to tell him where he could and couldn't live or probably both.

The only thing I think we can really know for sure isn't just an opinion or her take on a situation is that they barely talk now and when they do it's to argue. There are so many reasons that couples argue and it sounds like for them there's a WHOLE lot that's being unsaid. Either out of fear or because they're trying to hide things from each other. She could be defensive because she's suspicious of this girl and so she takes things wrong and overreacts. He could be feeling guilty for his behaviour and takes her questions as her being suspicious so he get's defensive. He could be fighting with his emotions of homesickness and feeling that she's unsupportive. She could be feeling that he doesn't appreciate her bringing him here and she feels separate from his new life... SO many different ways of taking things.

They need to talk to each other and figure out what's going on in each others heads. If he doesn't want to be with her any more. If he's missing home. If he's found someone else or if it's just a HUGE misunderstanding. Maybe a counsellor will help, someone to mediate any arguments.

[rlogan 2,036]

If I complained about being homesick after 2 days

Thank you for proving my point. You didn't.

Vanessa&Tony - I hear ya. No worries.

[andrea y arturo 14]

Talk and listen...talk and listen..... sit down and take a proactive approach to save the relationship..but it takes two to tango

[MattandJihyun 4]

I felt homesick when I left Korea to go back to America after living in Korea for over 4 years... and I'm 100% AMERICAN. I instantly missed the food, the music, culture, and etc. It took me a while to adjust back to the States again. So I can only imagine a non American coming to the US on a visa. Homesickness is for REAL.

[MattandJihyun 4]

screw dat.. i think most of these replies are from beneficiaries.. i mean i understand homesick, but dang, it shouldnt be a reason or excuse.. im a guy and a petitioner.. shld a petitioner be future sick? cuz i knw hw much of one's future gets put on hold while goin thru visa process.. as a matter of fact a beneficiary continues their life in their country until they get visa meanwhile a petitioners future is on hold right from NOA1.. and flirting wit a girl is not a sign of missin home.. unless dats wat he was doin then... yah, dnt hld da GC over his head.. but dnt settle for hmesick each time.. both couples nd to knw sacrifices comes from both sides.. otherwise, why da heck do couples tell each other "i will be with u no matter where and how".. luk for signs..okay, marriages are difficult but distrust is sign of danger.

Well my wife, the beneficiary, doesn't even look at this website or post on any sites for that matter. I'm the petitioner, and even I admit that I felt homesick leaving HER country. South Korea is a beautiful country, I can truly see why it was added to the Visa Waiver Program. I wouldn't mind living there my whole life even though I'm not Korean. However my job, bank and everything all rely in the United States so that's where I "lay my hat". I know getting my wife to adjust to the United States AND military lifestyle will be a huge challenge. I just have to be there to help her every step of the way.

[amyandjorge 76]

It's a lot harder to have an argument when you keep your voice level and calm.

Long distance or under the same roof, communication really is the key to a successful relationship.

And yes my husband is homesick, I completely understand, yes he did know exactly what he was 'getting himself into'. But things are different now and I make a point of asking him (whether or not he has anything to say) about how he feels and is adjusting.

[dukeandduchess 141]

Thank you for proving my point. You didn't.

Vanessa&Tony - I hear ya. No worries.

So one's homesickness or lack-there-of is indicative of their fidelity?