Happy Couple turned to Unhappy

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Link? I'm not exactly sure how analogous the situation of college students (are these American students in America? or international students?), who have a fixed period of time living together collectively in generally non-romantic situations with the aim of gaining education, after which they may or may not stay near their university, is to the situation of newlyweds, one of whom has moved to a foreign country, living in a domestic, open-ended, romantic relationship.

When I moved to the UK as brand-new bride just out of college, I suffered from massive homesickness even though I had been living there prior to my marriage. No matter how much I loved my new husband -- I really, truly did -- I was often overcome with something like sorrow and the passing of my old life. It did not mean I was unhappy, but that I was transitioning from one stage in life to another. I had left my friends and my doting family behind, and had to forge new links with people who were often ignorant at best and dismissive or rude at worst about my culture. I didn't know how anything worked -- from getting a bank account, to figuring out which bus to take, which words to use, which words NOT to use, and so much more -- all while navigating the waters of a new marriage. It was hard work and my husband gave me a ton of support, thankfully, but I spent a long time forging a new identity in Britain and it wasn't a painless process.

And yes, I cried. A lot. I loved my husband but I was so miserable I wasn't sure how I could make it work. I threatened to leave more than once. But I knew I had married this person and we had chosen together to live where we did, so I was going to have to lump it.

But eventually life over there became what was normal, London became "home" and my homesickness turned into the occasional pang of missing a certain person. And when he and I split after nearly 10 years together, I didn't think of going back to America because London was now home. When I did move back to the States after 12 years abroad, I went through the process of homesickness and acclimatization again, but this time with someone who was new to America as well. Double greenhorn syndrome! I had no clue how to do so much in America when I returned. I am grateful to the family and friends who helped smooth the path.

Despite your pounding away about homesickness, attempting to pathologize it into practically a mental illness, it is not an abnormal state of affairs. For someone who touts his empathy, you seem to withhold it from those here who have said they have suffered from homesickness. I don't hold anyone else responsible for my happiness except myself and being homesick isn't (necessarily) playing the victim.

I think it's fantastic and admirable your wife has had a much easier time adjusting to life abroad than I (or others here) have, and that you have given her the support and love she needs. That doesn't mean, as you should know full well, that everyone can react similarly. Dismissing homesickness as some form of manipulation seems a little odd to me.

Really well written and completely agree. Especially about how distressing "normal" things like opening bank accounts, getting a job (and knowing what to look and ask for) and filing taxes are. Even something simple as going grocery shopping. I remember my first trip well, I had NO idea about brands, what was good and what was bad. It was, and sometimes still is, hard... and I've been here for 2 1/2 years now.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Really well written and completely agree. Especially about how distressing "normal" things like opening bank accounts, getting a job (and knowing what to look and ask for) and filing taxes are. Even something simple as going grocery shopping. I remember my first trip well, I had NO idea about brands, what was good and what was bad. It was, and sometimes still is, hard... and I've been here for 2 1/2 years now.

Thanks Vanessa. It does get better with time, and stuff you have to actively think about now (like what the best brand is, using your example) gets to be habit. Having the support of a loving spouse (and it always sounds like Tony has your back) helps so much. And technology has made it so much easier to connect with those we miss abroad. When I moved to the UK in 1995 I didn't have an email address, there was no Skype, no cheap calling plans. I made do with a phone call home every two weeks and lots of letters and aerogrammes. There were no Americans I knew of in my area, and no real way to connect with them if they were there. It's so much better now!

[rlogan 2,036]

Link?

Took all of five seconds:

My link

Here's the pertinent part:

The 2008 American College Health Association's national survey of college students found that homesickness was a minor factor — just 4.2 percent — when it came to overall academic performance.

As far as this attempt at invalidation:

I'm not exactly sure how analogous the situation of college students (are these American students in America? or international students?),

I didn't use the example. Someone else did, and because I was a university professor for a couple of decades dealing with native students who came from the bush with no roads, subsistence lifestyle, never having left their tiny village, speaking a native language at home - I knew something about it. I had a lot of international students when I was graduate director too, so I am the one who worked with them. Instead of viewing them as fragile little children that couldn't handle it, we had orientation and counseling programs to facilitate their transition. We took the positive attitude of taking on exciting new challenges, accomplishment, self-improvement, etc. instead of coaching them to be depressed, withdrawn, sullen victims.

When I moved to the UK as brand-new bride just out of college, I suffered from massive homesickness even though I had been living there prior to my marriage. No matter how much I loved my new husband -- I really, truly did -- I was often overcome with something like sorrow and the passing of my old life. It did not mean I was unhappy, but that I was transitioning from one stage in life to another. I had left my friends and my doting family behind, and had to forge new links with people who were often ignorant at best and dismissive or rude at worst about my culture. I didn't know how anything worked -- from getting a bank account, to figuring out which bus to take, which words to use, which words NOT to use, and so much more -- all while navigating the waters of a new marriage. It was hard work and my husband gave me a ton of support, thankfully, but I spent a long time forging a new identity in Britain and it wasn't a painless process.

And yes, I cried. A lot. I loved my husband but I was so miserable I wasn't sure how I could make it work. I threatened to leave more than once. But I knew I had married this person and we had chosen together to live where we did, so I was going to have to lump it.

But eventually life over there became what was normal, London became "home" and my homesickness turned into the occasional pang of missing a certain person. And when he and I split after nearly 10 years together, I didn't think of going back to America because London was now home. When I did move back to the States after 12 years abroad, I went through the process of homesickness and acclimatization again, but this time with someone who was new to America as well. Double greenhorn syndrome! I had no clue how to do so much in America when I returned. I am grateful to the family and friends who helped smooth the path.

Despite your pounding away about homesickness, attempting to pathologize it into practically a mental illness, it is not an abnormal state of affairs. For someone who touts his empathy, you seem to withhold it from those here who have said they have suffered from homesickness. I don't hold anyone else responsible for my happiness except myself and being homesick isn't (necessarily) playing the victim.

I think it's fantastic and admirable your wife has had a much easier time adjusting to life abroad than I (or others here) have, and that you have given her the support and love she needs. That doesn't mean, as you should know full well, that everyone can react similarly. Dismissing homesickness as some form of manipulation seems a little odd to me.

This forum is too dominated by those wishing to stereotype immigration as this horrible, wrenching, miserable, depressing ordeal of culture shock. There need to be voices of reason for the vast majority that do not fall into symptoms of clinical depression, a difference you will see this article highlights. Homesickness is not a clinical disorder. It is you, not me, trying to elevate homesickness to clinical status: trying to paint it as far more grave than it is. It is telling indeed you spoke of your doting family because yeah - the pampered princess who enters the real world is going to be upset she does not have a retinue of doting servants around her when she takes on basic responsibilities in life.

The pampered princess is one person who is going to make a big deal about how much suffering she is going through without her personal assistants running around doting on them. That person needs to grow up, not to be doted on by yet more people.

There is a logical fallacy employed in this subject that homesickness is both widespread but at the same time grave. Yes, it is widespread in that everyone misses something about home. That longing is nearly 100% amongst us. You would have to really hate home to not miss anything about it. But that longing is not grave, it is not clinical depression, and it deserves no special status beyond simple homesickness. That feeling is something anyone normal can handle just fine, and there are some very simple things you can do to alleviate it. We do not award medals of valor for getting over homesickness. It is something an adult is expected to do.

When you substitute clinical symptoms for simple homesickness, now you are not talking about the vast majority anymore. You have pulled a bait-and-switch. If you want to talk about clinical depression symptoms then it is only a very small minority. Depression takes clinical attention. Something like 15% of adults at some time in their life suffer from serious depression - a spouse dies or their child is raped and murdered, etc. About half that number suffer from depression at any given time in the USA.

That doesn't mean, as you should know full well, that everyone can react similarly.

Exactly so - I know full well and it is obvious that I do so there is no point to saying this except to pretend I don't. The reason for the "you should know" statement is called shaming. Shame on you for not knowing.

Dismissing homesickness as some form of manipulation seems a little odd to me.

Perfect thanks! Because you've used two manipulative tactics here. The first is the strawman and the second is more shaming. I said no such thing, and I feel no shame over your accusation of being odd.

I am very careful to use the terms homesickness and depression correctly. One of them is normal and no big deal. The other is a serious clinical disorder. Homesickness can be a trigger to major depression but it is very unusual.

[patient2010 93]

I hope the two of you can work through your issue

[TBoneTX 43,254]

The pampered princess is one person who is going to make a big deal about how much suffering she is going through without her personal assistants running around doting on them. That person needs to grow up, not to be doted on by yet more people.

This reminds me of a stereotypical-type joke (with the group in question intentionally edited out here):

Q: How many ______-American Princesses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two -- one to call Daddy, and the other to order the Diet Pepsi.

[kytwell 179]

Opening post

My husband and I dated for over a year before we were married 75% of it was spent apart waiting on the visa. We were very happy and spoke all the time and had a healthy relationship. When he finally was approved and moved here things fell off. He told me that he was homesick 2 days after being here. I didn't understand it. He had been here the whole summer and spent plenty of time here, he knew what he was getting into. He finally got approved to work and started making friends and joined a football team. But our marriage is falling apart. We barely speak. We barely know each other. When we do talk its fighting. He started texting another woman, denies a relationship with her says they are just friends. I'm unsure what to believe but it is tearing me up inside. He told me if things do not start changing between us, we will not last. I agree. I told him if things do not work out, he has to go home. He got mad at me because he wants to stay here!!!

What should I do?

Is there anyone out there that feels the same?

Please help me.

Right on!

I can never understand why if the relationship does not work, that USC's feel the need to "return" their "investments" like a bad birthday gift. I understand the anger, but if feels a little bit like they are being seen as a thing, not a person. Just my opinion.

Wrong!

She said nothing of the kind. This is the most common empty accusation I see on this board, achieved only by exaggerating and twisting someone's words maliciously.

Read the opening post, I put in bold without twisting words, what she said to him.