Happy Couple turned to Unhappy

[Darnell 8,478]

Where did Ambster go ?

I'd still like to know what country the foreign spouse was born in.

[Danilu 11]

I agree with the quote Anita Cocktail posted ja ja.

Darnell, Ambster's husband is from England.

[BesosforMexico 13]

Sometimes I think my fiancé will turn right back around and head home after a few days. Being homesick is normal. My fiance has children that are staying in mexico so i know it will be very tough for him, but to him the most important thing is being with me. He is changing his life to be with me. My life is changing as well obviously but im not the one completely changing cultures. And when i think of it i know if the roles were reversed and he had said he wanted me to move there..... I would have but i would have been VERY apprehensive and i would have likely tried to convince him to move here instead. Try to remember what brought you together in the first place. He moved here for a reason. None of us know your relationship or the circumstances of it.

A vacation might be a good idea.... Time for your relationship.

[rlogan 2,036]

To me, it doesn't sound like he wants therapy...it sounds like a threat. 'change or we won't last'

I'm not about to form a solid opinion based on a few posts...but I'm inclined to feel that a lot of peeps overromanticize the immigration process. Their problems won't be solved with a weekend cruise.

I felt the same way. One person reached outside the marriage for some advice on how to save it. The other is texting a "friend". Such a cliche'!

One of the manipulative tactics we learn about is called "minimization", and we are told to watch very carefully for minimizers like "just", as in "just a friend". We have friends from work, friends from the gym, friends from the bridge club or whatever, and that is what we say about them when there is nothing to hide: we give the reason why they are a friend. We are told to be alert for a non-specific minimizer because it is used when someone has something to hide, and is trying to make you seem in the wrong for making a big deal out of it. The fact it is tearing her up inside should make a husband leap to attention and console her. I have radar for the slightest cue my wife has about something bothering her, and I nip it in the bud before it grows into something significant.

I don't need to be told ad nauseum that immigration is difficult for some people and that her words could be interpreted as not showing enough empathy. The first thing a deceptive person would say to conceal their lack of interest in the relationship is that they are homesick the day after they get here. All we could think about was getting down each others pants.

The other important thing Anita said is to listen to her gut. That is straight out of the book as top-flight advice, and her gut is being torn up. We don't hear how the man is being torn up. He's fighting, yea - but we aren't hearing about depression, sadness, feelings of worthlessness, etc. that are attendant to post-immigration depression.

Edited February 16, 2012 by rlogan

[Fandango 1,439]

And this will prove exactly nothing.

"Honey, we are just friends and she asked me to help her with her computer problem blah blah blah I did not tell you because I was afraid you'd be angry". And who knows, it could be true.

If he's a bad guy, accusations of infidelity and immigration status threats will do nothing, but alert him. If he's a good guy, baseless accusations of infidelity and immigration status threats are damage to the relationship which is very hard to repair.

Yeah, that's called lying if he says he's somewhere else...that's what damages the relationship.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

My husband and I dated for over a year before we were married 75% of it was spent apart waiting on the visa. We were very happy and spoke all the time and had a healthy relationship. When he finally was approved and moved here things fell off. He told me that he was homesick 2 days after being here. I didn't understand it. He had been here the whole summer and spent plenty of time here, he knew what he was getting into. He finally got approved to work and started making friends and joined a football team. But our marriage is falling apart. We barely speak. We barely know each other. When we do talk its fighting. He started texting another woman, denies a relationship with her says they are just friends. I'm unsure what to believe but it is tearing me up inside. He told me if things do not start changing between us, we will not last. I agree. I told him if things do not work out, he has to go home. He got mad at me because he wants to stay here!!!

What should I do?

Is there anyone out there that feels the same?

Please help me.

I don't know if you are still reading this thread, Ambster. But seriously, saying he "knew what he was getting into" because he spent a summer here tells me you aren't appreciating the gravity of moving abroad, or perhaps even the gravity of a long-term relationship.

[Sandra G. 5,019]

Perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you, and he might not be the one.

[Abby62 23]

Perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you, and he might not be the one.

Ain't that always the truth..none of us are getting any younger though..

[Basee 2]

My husband and I dated for over a year before we were married 75% of it was spent apart waiting on the visa. We were very happy and spoke all the time and had a healthy relationship. When he finally was approved and moved here things fell off. He told me that he was homesick 2 days after being here. I didn't understand it. He had been here the whole summer and spent plenty of time here, he knew what he was getting into. He finally got approved to work and started making friends and joined a football team. But our marriage is falling apart. We barely speak. We barely know each other. When we do talk its fighting. He started texting another woman, denies a relationship with her says they are just friends. I'm unsure what to believe but it is tearing me up inside. He told me if things do not start changing between us, we will not last. I agree. I told him if things do not work out, he has to go home. He got mad at me because he wants to stay here!!!

What should I do?

Is there anyone out there that feels the same?

Please help me.

I smiled at the part that said 'if things don't start changing...'

Things will only change if you both want them to and actually DO something about it. This might not be the forum for it, but I figure someones marriage is important... so... The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a rather thought provoking read. You guys don't know each other... like someone said you had immigration as a unifying factor, it's no longer there... now it's time to take off the rose coloured glasses and really look at who you are with and whether you actually LOVE each other or were caught up in the heady experience of 'being in love'. Often when the love mist settles for a couple (even those who live next door to each other) the clarity shows that there isn't much to build on.

So, talk to each other, delve into the crevices of your hearts and decide if you love each other enough to go the distance or not. Sort that out first, save yourself some time, energy and heartache! once you make a choice one way or another, you deal with the next steps. As for telling him he has to go home, GROW UP! that's sounds like, 'if you don't play ball my way I'm taking my ball away' - Accept that you BOTH aren't ready to be together and let him do him, his way. Whether he has his conditions removed yet or not is immaterial. He can get a lawyer to help him with that. You don't HAVE to make it difficult just because you haven't got what you want.

[Basee 2]

Just read the timeline, there is no indication of AOS being filed. If you split up, what happens when the K-1 expires is up to him. If you have filed, then as with any marriage that ends, get a divorce. Don't complicate and/or implicate yourself in anything that could get you in trouble.

[rkk1 34]

Things will only change if you both want them to and actually DO something about it. This might not be the forum for it, but I figure someones marriage is important... so...

I really like your post, and I think it is very relevant. Some people may think that this forum should only be strictly about the visa application process, but I disagree. I think dealing with cross-cultural marriage issues is very pertinent to our journeys, and something we all share in common (for those of us who have spouses or fiances from abroad). There are unique facets to our relationships that we share that the general US public doesn't necessarily understand, being married to another American or someone from their own culture. Yes, there are other marriage/relationship forums on the web (even some that I participate in), but most of those couples don't understand issues relating to international marriages, dealing with not seeing your spouse for 10-12 months as the person is out of the country (unless they have a military spouse), having conflict with a spouse because you grew up in totally different cultures and have different cultural expectations of spousal roles. These are topics that I can share HERE on this site and get advice from others who can relate to my experiences, that I can't get in other forums. So I think Visa Journey is also a place for us to discuss these sorts of topics. For me, this site is not soley about my visa application process (although that was the primary reason I joined). I like the community aspect of being able to discuss issues with others who are going through similar experiences as myself.

Edited March 23, 2012 by rkk1

[kytwell 179]

I did not know she was Ukrainian.

or Greek or those that fall under the Scorpio sign

[GnBnL 50]

Exactly. He isn't homesick.

I'll respectfully disagree with some of the decent posters that have given the benefit of the doubt on homesickness. Were it true, their statements about it would be accurate. But I don't believe it. Counseling only helps if he is honest in the counseling sessions, and if his intentions are bad then he'll just lie. But the one thing counseling will do is put an impartial referee in there to help prevent a lot of the manipulative behavior.

Think carefully about any red flags you saw up to this point. Was there anything that gave you a gut feeling something was wrong and it was explained away? I'd want to know what is in those text messages to the girl too. If she's "just a friend" then there isn't any need whatsoever to conceal what is in those messages.

Being homesick does not mean you want to go home necessarily...it just means you're having a hard time being away from home, and maybe if you had support to adjusting to your new surroundings, you could transition more easily. He can be homesick, but with the desire to still be there...how many college students became "homesick" their first month of college? did that mean they wanted to give up college and go home? Adjusting to a new life is hard, and holding someone's immigration status over their head is a cheap power grab and a nasty threat to make in my opinion...to me, its no different than making any other kind of threat out of anger...I can never understand why if the relationship does not work, that USC's feel the need to "return" their "investments" like a bad birthday gift. I understand the anger, but if feels a little bit like they are being seen as a thing, not a person. Just my opinion.

OP, I hope that you guys can get some help through some therapy, or if you do split that it will mean a better life for you both. Adjusting can be so hard, and it requires a lot of effort on both parts. Good luck to you, and I wish you the best.

[rlogan 2,036]

I can never understand why if the relationship does not work, that USC's feel the need to "return" their "investments" like a bad birthday gift. I understand the anger, but if feels a little bit like they are being seen as a thing, not a person. Just my opinion.

She said nothing of the kind. This is the most common empty accusation I see on this board, achieved only by exaggerating and twisting someone's words maliciously.

Being homesick does not mean you want to go home necessarily...it just means you're having a hard time being away from home, and maybe if you had support to adjusting to your new surroundings, you could transition more easily. He can be homesick, but with the desire to still be there...how many college students became "homesick" their first month of college? did that mean they wanted to give up college and go home?

Victimologists are people who are always telling us how difficult everything is and that we should be expected to cry like little babies in a new environment. Only about 4% of college students get homesick enough for it to affect their academic performance at all. Except for this tiny minority, homesickness is completely irrelevant.

Yes, there are things we do to help in the adjustment like internet chat or whatever, but how difficult is that? How difficult is it to show empathy to your spouse? I find it extremely easy to give my wife a lot of empathy. It was also easy to study her culture. Maybe if you are stubborn, selfish, rude, mean-spirited, etc. these things are hard.

Adjusting to a new life is hard...Adjusting can be so hard, and it requires a lot of effort on both parts.

Winning an olympic gold medal is hard. Moving is something billions of people do without much consequence.

and holding someone's immigration status over their head is a cheap power grab and a nasty threat to make in my opinion...to me, its no different than making any other kind of threat out of anger...

How did she hold immigration over his head? The law on K-1's and K-3's is clear, and it isn't her doing. They have a visa for one purpose and if the requirements are not met then they have to go home. Pointing the law out is not a threat.

I noticed zero empathy for this woman who has a man texting a secret woman "friend". Because the important thing is to cast her as a person that views people as commoddities instead of someone who brought a spouse here that is showing a lack of committment to her.

[elmcitymaven 9,711]

Victimologists are people who are always telling us how difficult everything is and that we should be expected to cry like little babies in a new environment. Only about 4% of college students get homesick enough for it to affect their academic performance at all. Except for this tiny minority, homesickness is completely irrelevant.

Link? I'm not exactly sure how analogous the situation of college students (are these American students in America? or international students?), who have a fixed period of time living together collectively in generally non-romantic situations with the aim of gaining education, after which they may or may not stay near their university, is to the situation of newlyweds, one of whom has moved to a foreign country, living in a domestic, open-ended, romantic relationship.

When I moved to the UK as brand-new bride just out of college, I suffered from massive homesickness even though I had been living there prior to my marriage. No matter how much I loved my new husband -- I really, truly did -- I was often overcome with something like sorrow and the passing of my old life. It did not mean I was unhappy, but that I was transitioning from one stage in life to another. I had left my friends and my doting family behind, and had to forge new links with people who were often ignorant at best and dismissive or rude at worst about my culture. I didn't know how anything worked -- from getting a bank account, to figuring out which bus to take, which words to use, which words NOT to use, and so much more -- all while navigating the waters of a new marriage. It was hard work and my husband gave me a ton of support, thankfully, but I spent a long time forging a new identity in Britain and it wasn't a painless process.

And yes, I cried. A lot. I loved my husband but I was so miserable I wasn't sure how I could make it work. I threatened to leave more than once. But I knew I had married this person and we had chosen together to live where we did, so I was going to have to lump it.

But eventually life over there became what was normal, London became "home" and my homesickness turned into the occasional pang of missing a certain person. And when he and I split after nearly 10 years together, I didn't think of going back to America because London was now home. When I did move back to the States after 12 years abroad, I went through the process of homesickness and acclimatization again, but this time with someone who was new to America as well. Double greenhorn syndrome! I had no clue how to do so much in America when I returned. I am grateful to the family and friends who helped smooth the path.

Despite your pounding away about homesickness, attempting to pathologize it into practically a mental illness, it is not an abnormal state of affairs. For someone who touts his empathy, you seem to withhold it from those here who have said they have suffered from homesickness. I don't hold anyone else responsible for my happiness except myself and being homesick isn't (necessarily) playing the victim.

I think it's fantastic and admirable your wife has had a much easier time adjusting to life abroad than I (or others here) have, and that you have given her the support and love she needs. That doesn't mean, as you should know full well, that everyone can react similarly. Dismissing homesickness as some form of manipulation seems a little odd to me.